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A Survivor's Guide to Air Travel With Multiple Young Children

Published 02.05.2010 | Permanent Link | Comments (13)

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I stepped off a plane less than 12 hours ago. I stepped off of that plane with two small children in tow, successfully resisting the temptation to abandon their tushies somewhere along the way. There was that nice family in the terminal in Atlanta. Or that comfy pile of unclaimed luggage in customs.

Needless to say, I am EXHAUSTED. And in no shape for confronting your Major Life Problems or Assorted Hair-Related Crises. So instead, I present a list of the stuff that came in super-handy during our little jaunt across international waters.

1. The Traveling Toddler Car Seat Travel Accessory

We looked at dozens of uber-clever "solutions" for traveling with our car seat. Stroller frames, zippered covers, backpack carriers, etc. We had two basic needs: a) We were not bringing a separate stroller, and wanted to use the car seat as airport transport. And most importantly, b) We were bringing a LOT OF STUFF ALREADY, and wanted something lightweight and easy to assemble and disassemble at security lines and gates. In the end, we went with the most basic-looking option: a strong, adjustable strap that attaches any LATCH-compatible car seat to any small rolling carry-on suitcase. Put the kid in the seat and roll them merrily along. Done.

I was nervous about our choice (I mean, come on, $14.99? You'll pay more than that for an airport sandwich). But oh, this thing worked brilliantly. We adjusted it at home, on a trial run (which I highly recommend), then simply snapped it all together curbside at the airport in a matter of minutes. Our intrepid Samsonite wheelie bag (in which we'd packed our spare "massive climate-change" wardrobe) became a stroller. When we were able to score a seat for Ezra (he was an "infant in arms" but on two out of four planes we got a seat for him), we simply wheeled him down the plane aisles, miraculously clearing the seats even in his massive Britax. He slept in the seat through BOTH of those flights. When he had to sit on our lap, we gate-checked the seat and went on with just the suitcase, and the Travel Accessory stayed hooked onto the seat.

Multiple times we were approached by highly jealous parents who had checked their car seats, only to be confronted with a half-empty flight and no suitable child restraint, or who were carrying seats backpack-style in addition to wrangling a toddler. One pregnant woman got on her iPhone to add it to her baby registry right then and there. Multiple thumbs up!

2) Ergo Carrier

This was my lifesaver on my last trip -- solo, with just the baby -- and lo and behold, it came in just as handy this time. Once we arrived in Jamaica, gate-checked items were not returned to until we cleared customs and got everything else at baggage claim. This meant parents had to navigate the maze of an airport and a MASSIVE line at Immigration without their strollers or car seats or restraints or aaaaeeeeiiiii. Totally not a situation we planned for...but I'd tossed the Ergo into a carry-on at the last minute, unsure of whether I'd need it or not, but OHTHANKGOD is all I can say.

3) Sony Children's Headphones

Noah was EASY to please on the flight. My laptop and a DVD kept him happy. Throw in a bag of mini-pretzels and a cup of apple juice and he thought air travel was pretty much the greatest thing since the school bus. We've had problems, though, with headphones in the past. Ear buds don't stay in and regular adult-sized ones slide off. These headphones say they are sized for 8 years and up but they fit Noah (4 years) perfectly. His head does trend toward the upper end of the percentile chart, so if you've got yourself a 95th percentile noggin, you could likely use these well before age 8 as well. (We ONLY use them for travel...regular use of headphones for little kids is not a good thing, obviously.)

4) NotToys

Ezra, on the other hand... OY VEY, HE WAS A CHALLENGE. I deeply regretted our decision to save money and not buy him a dedicated seat. (We paid a percentage of our tickets because it was international travel, and kind of misunderstood the ticketing agent, who made it sound like it was simply a discounted seat, but still a seat. IT WAS NOT A SEAT.) When he was in a seat, strapped into the Britax, he was a dream. He ate a snack, drank some juice, charmed passerbys in the aisle, fell asleep. When he was on our laps, he was a nightmare. A squirmy, whiny, shrieky nightmare who wanted to climb and kick and throw Cheerios at the people in front of us. (If you're traveling coach with a toddler on your lap, here's a tip: REQUEST BULKHEAD SEATING. It sucks having to stow your stuff overhead, but it is waaaaaay better to only have a wall in front of you for your child to torture.) We'd brought a zillion and one toys -- nice toys, cheap toys, new toys, old toys. Noah didn't need them, and Ezra didn't want them. Unless he could throw them. Things he did like: plastic cups, beverage stirrers, airsickness bags, laminated emergency instructions, tearing pages out of the SkyMall catalog.

In summary: Buy a seat, ask the flight attendants for any free crap they can spare, use the space for toys in your carry-on for headache and anti-anxiety medication instead.

5) Chewy snacks

The ear thing. Oh, the ear thing! We had sippy cups ready to go for take-off, hoping to get the boys drinking and swallowing at the right time...only we misjudged the timing EVERY. TIME. and the cups were empty by the time the actual ear-popping started. Ezra would suck his thumb if given his lovey, but on our flights out they both complained of earaches at various points. On the way back we inadvertently solved the problem with a big bag of juicy, chewy raisins. Easy to dole out as needed, encouraged lots of chewing and frequent swallowing, healthier than candy or gum, AND nothing you'll need to arrange after the security folks make you dump out your sippy cup contents. (This only happened in the States. I've been allowed to bring milk and formula along, but was told to dump their water this time. Jamaica had no problem allowing children to bring their juice along.)

5) Overpriced alcohol.

Yeah. You know what? When that beverage cart comes along and you've successfully gotten both children through security and elevators and trams and interminable waits and onto a plane and somewhat happy and quiet and maybe even asleep and contented? Spring for the $5 beer or $7 cocktail. YOU'VE EARNED IT.

Related:

- How To Fly with a Young Child
- Traveling with Kids: some fun & helpful products

Updates & Follow-Ups: Monster-in-Law

Published 02.03.2010 | Permanent Link | Comments (0)

An update on this situation here, about an abusive MIL with a child still in her home.

Hi Amy,

An update post from a couple of weeks ago made me realize I am long overdue in writing you a thank you for posting my question regarding my abusive mother-in-law. While I knew in my heart that something needed to be done, reading your response and the comments gave me the courage to really put my foot down with my husband, not only about my daughter but for his sister as well. I was prepared for the conversation with him to be difficult, but he said he totally agreed with me. Just like that. No arguing, no making a case, just "I totally agree with you." His sister is no longer in the house with the MIL (she's the only sibling but I was trying to change things around to seem anonymous) and my husband and I are doing everything we can to help her and make sure that she stays safe and that she knows that we are here for her and are her support system. It's been hard for her. She feels like she has no parents and is angry at her mom for doing what she did and at her dad for not protecting her, but she's seeing a therapist and I know she'll make it through. It's been hard for my husband too, realizing that his mother can't be trusted with anyone's child, including her own, but he's seeing someone as well and working through it.

My MIL did come for her visit as scheduled. It was...stressful and not fun for me or my husband, but she was actually really good with my daughter. But I stuck to my rules and we did not leave the baby alone with her, despite her numerous pleas for us to go out and have her babysit, and we made it through. It makes me sad to think that I'll never be able to leave my daughter with her grandmother, but I think it's important for her to know her and have some type of relationship with her. Thankfully MIL lives across the country so we'll likely only have to deal with this once a year or so.

So, again, thank you so much for posting my question so quickly. Sometimes you really need to hear that you're doing the right thing.

-Lisa

Thank you so, so much for writing back. I've thought about your situation so many times over the past few months, and your sister-in-law's wellbeing was very heavy on my mind while writing my responses to "Concerned." I'm happy to hear that she's safe and once again, that other people were willing to step up and intervene and do the right thing, even when it's difficult.

Paging Joan Collins

Published 02.01.2010 | Permanent Link | Comments (27)

Dearest Amy,

Jesus Lordy. I have an issue that isn't really a problem and yet I'm obsessing and would like to be prepared should it become a problem, as it has potential to become one.

I met my husband six months after his parents passed away as the result of a car accident. His father lived and worked overseas while his mother kept the family home in their hometown and traveled frequently to his father's apartment overseas. When my husband and his two sisters cleaned out the overseas apartment, they packed everything in boxes with the intent of going through them later. The boxes ended up at our house after we were married so hubby and I went through the boxes, I more than he.

My father-in-law kept everything. Everything including a copy of a very personal letter he wrote to a much younger woman he worked with and apparently had a more intimate relationship with. Hubby and his sisters met the woman but thought she was their father's protege. This woman, 'O' has kept in touch with hubby's oldest sister and my sister-in-law sees O occasionally as her job involves traveling overseas often. Including this week. Sis-in-law always returns from these trips reporting how much she loves seeing O and how O would really like to come visit my husband and I as we still live in the town he and his sisters grew up in. Sis-in-law is excited about this as she sees O as one of her last links to her father and is becoming more insistent on this happening. Who knows what O's intentions are in saying she wants to visit. I know she must need closure and is still mourning my father-in-law, but she did have an inappropriate (in my eyes) relationship with him and to involve his kids in all this seems certifiable.

I found the letter and while my husband knows "something" happened between his father and O, he has never read the letter which I have kept all these years for reasons unbeknownst to even myself. (I blame the Erica Kane school of intrigue I encountered watching All My Children with my mother in my formative years) I'm assuming my sisters-in-law are in the dark as the younger one frequently laments how she can never hear a certain song without thinking of her father; the same song my father-in-law references in the letter as a song he can't hear without thinking of O. And they all joke how crazy it is that my mother-in-law never liked O.

I feel like I'm covering for my father-in-law. Although this is a small part of his otherwise wonderful and full life, I can't help but internally roll my eyes whenever someone mentions how great and upstanding he was. A huge part of me thinks a visit will never happen because it has been many years since my in-laws passed and there simply is no point, really. I think O is a bit mental and perpetuates this visiting charade in order to keep in contact with the family. I want to scream every time sis-in-law returns from seeing O going on and on about how wonderful O is and how their father was instrumental in O becoming successful. If I have to hear about one more plan for O to come visit us, I may very well scream. How do I continue to keep this to myself when all I want to do is throw the letter in their faces and be done with it?

Signed,
Seriously. WTF.

OMG. I'm just going to go ahead and quote you: Jesus Lordy. What a soap opera. Funny how they get so significantly less fun in real life.

I'm generally from the "don't speak ill of the dead" camp -- i.e., if you find a mildly unsavory letter where all the cast members have passed on, you destroy it and generally allow people to go on thinking nice things about their loved ones. There are exceptions, of course, like finding out that there's an illegitimate sibling out there, or that some long-ago relative was totally Jack the Ripper or something and HERE IS THE PROOF, but for your more garden-variety sins...eh. I think people who aren't around to explain or defend themselves should get the occasional free pass.

HOWEVER. Your situation veers away from my camp for two reasons: 1) it involves deceiving your husband, and 2) the continued existence and presence of one pesky cast member, O.

I COMPLETELY agree with you: It is downright inappropriate for this woman to be clinging to her dead lover's family. Though maybe also a little understandable, like you said. She's still grieving him. Maybe he was the one great love of her life. Maybe she pictured becoming a stepmother to his children or even secretly considered herself one. I don't know, but I know I would also be pretty wigged out by the idea of her coming to my house and putting on some happy family friend face when the truth is a bit more inappropriate.

Now here is where I project my relationship onto yours, in possibly an unfair manner: I would never, ever keep something like this from my husband. I would have handed that letter over immediately. I would have at least left the letter out where he would have found it. We have a few hard and fast rules that we hold each other to, and number one is Absolutely No Deceptions or Secret-Keeping. I do not doubt that your intentions in keeping the letter secret were ENTIRELY good -- you weren't trying to blackmail anyone here, you were honestly trying to preserve the reputation of your father-in-law. I so get that. However. Road. Hell. Good intentions as the asphalt and all that.

You're now stuck in a situation where you know too much. Your sisters-in-law and O keep pushing while the little thermostat in your temper inches closer to the breaking point. It's...probably doubtful that you'll be able to keep this charade up for much longer, and even if O drops dead tomorrow you'll have to sit through a funeral and listen to everybody mourn this kind of strange, insert-y woman who played a part in the betrayal of their own mother.

I see two options (though I welcome additional recommendations from anyone who is reading, particularly from anyone who has watched more soap operas than me, as I went cold turkey on Days of Our Lives my junior year of college and OH IT STILL HURTS A LITTLE BIT LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE SAMMIE ON BIGGEST LOSER).

One: you come clean to your husband. You apologize for keeping the letter from him, you explain your good intentions and how you would never, ever want to speak ill of his parents blah blah blah, but here is why you are so resistant to the idea of spending time with O. Put the letter in his hands and let him decide whether to tell his sisters. If he decides not to, that's his call and you go along with it, because it is his family. (Likewise, if he does decide to tell them, you should totally be all, LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS and ask him to please play down or erase your role in any of it.)

Two: You let the visit happen. You meet with O, privately. You hand her a copy of the letter. You wait for an explanation, an apology, anything. Maybe your father-in-law never sent her the letter, or any letter. Maybe it was all a big fantasy on his part for his promising young protege who actually looked to him like a father. Maybe not. I would probably only go with this option if you have any doubts about whether the relationship actually happened or not, and are willing to listen to O and her side of the story. If there was an affair, though, it's still be doubtful that you'll get a nice happy clump of closure tied up with a neat little bow (like O being able to "prove" that nothing sexual happened between them, or admitting the affair and immediately agreeing to stop with the weird relationshippy stalking of his children). You may very well end up back at option one, only with an added level of complicated because you've officially "interfered."

Readers? What say you? Option one, two...or just burn the letter and pledge to resist the eye-rolling urge for the next couple decades?

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A Survivor's Guide to Air Travel With Multiple Young Children
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About

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. A Washington D.C.-based freelance writer. The Smackdown is published on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays. You can follow Amy's daily mothering adventures at www.amalah.com. Also, it's pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

Amy also documented her second pregnancy in a Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to delicious preschooler Noah and baby Ezra. NomNomNom.

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