The Etiquette of Children’s Clothing Hand-Me-Downs

Hi Amy,

Looking for some advice when it comes to hand-me-down kids’ clothing. I have 2 sisters-in-law who both have children of their own. We are lucky enough to be around the same age & size, so we all share maternity clothes with each other, and we also do a fair amount of hand-me-downs when it comes to the kids clothing (There’s a total of 7 children under the age of 9 in our family- the holidays are a blast right now)

Most recently, my eldest sister-in-law gave birth to her 3rd child in early February, making my newest nephew only 7 months younger than my son. So far, my son has outgrown clothing right around the time that she needs it for her son, however I tend to grow small, skinny babies, while her babies tend to be on the larger end of the growth curve. I can see this becoming a problem sooner rather than later in that her son may need the next size up of clothing before my son has outgrown it.

So what’s the etiquette here? Do I make her buy her son a few new clothing items to get by until my son has outgrown the size they both need? Do I give her the clothes and only keep the items I’ve purchased myself for the time being? Do I offer to split up the clothing with her when she begins to need it? And what about further in the future, when kids begin to outgrow clothing at a much slower rate? I can predict this becoming an issue for me on the opposite side of the equation as well since the next-oldest male cousin in the family (my younger sister-in-law’s second child) is only 10 months older than my son.

It’s worth noting that her middle child is also a boy, so these clothes are hand-me-downs from her in the first place (although they’ve now gone through 2 other boy cousins since then, so I would never be able to guess what was hers in the first place and what was purchased by the younger sister-in-law). She also has male cousins on her husband’s side of the family that she could potentially get clothing from, although I don’t know if it’s proper to ask her to get clothing from them and hold these clothes hostage, so to speak.

Thanks for any insight you can give me!

I think you’re looking for solutions to problems that don’t actually exist yet! Or won’t ever exist!

Hand-me-downs are great, but they aren’t an exact science — kids outgrow stuff at different rates, some kids are harder on clothing than others, babies born during different seasons require completely different wardrobes, parental/child taste/style preferences start to vary, etc. And there aren’t any hard-and-fast etiquette rules when it comes to a casual family circle of clothing swaps, nor should there be! This is a Nice Thing y’all are doing for each other, and that’s how it should be viewed: It’s a nice thing to do, if you can, if it works, but no one should feel entitled or obligated about it, in either the giving or receiving direction.

Honesty is the best policy

If, at some point, the scenario you’re worried about happens — she specifically asks you if you can give back the size 2T clothing that your son is still wearing — just be honest. “He’s actually still wearing 2T! I have no idea what’s yours or mine or other SIL’s at this point…is there anything in particular you really need? I might have an extra [jacket, snowsuit, pair of boots, etc.].” Offer what you can — especially if she did pass along any big-ticket clothing items like outerwear or a specific special occasion outfit — but don’t stress out over a stack of grape-juice stained Old Navy graphic tees or pilled-up play clothes. I’m sure she’ll be grateful for whatever you can pass along, but isn’t mentally inventorying the trash bag o’ toddler clothes she gave away two years ago.

Plus, kids’ clothing sizes are wildly inconsistent

My three boys always outgrow certain brands or specific clothing items faster than others, so even with a size overlap you’ll probably still be able to cull some stuff from your son’s wardrobe for her. I’m going through this now, with my long and skinny almost-9 and 11 year olds. They’re essentially wearing the same size in shirts and shorts, but not jeans or pajamas. Everyone gets bumped up a size in coats/outerwear but can go down a size in bathing suits. It’s a weird, random sizing dance and even with three boys, I’ve never gone a season/size change without needing to make at least some new clothing purchases for the younger ones.

Don’t forget how personal opinions play into it

Not to mention that at some point, all of these children will start having their Own Opinions about their clothing, and those Opinions might be very, very different than their cousins.

(My oldest loved shirts with trains on them! My nephew only wanted dinosaurs! My middle child hates the color green and prefers button-down shirts over tees! And my youngest just wants superhero EVERYTHING and none of his brothers ever wanted superhero ANYTHING! Our neighbor dropped off three bags of boys’ clothing but it was almost all Disney and my kids are not! Into! Disney! That’s! For! Babies!)

So yeah, you’ll probably always be able to offer her SOMETHING…

… even if it’s not the entire hand-me-down stash. And personally, I would NEVER assume that clothing that’s gone through two or three boy children already would even be usable at that point, and would view anything that did make its way back to me as a bonus — not anything I’d count on. If for some weird reason your SIL does decide to be weird about it, pack up a bag of whatever clothing you care the least about and pass it back, and then politely decline her future strings-attached, hand-me-down offers.

Expect that the hand-me-down train will slow

And yeah, at some point you’ll need to accept that your downstream flow of hand-me-downs will slow or even stop completely, as the older boys will wear the same size for longer…and their clothing will be much more likely to be worn out and not really hand-me-down material by the time it’s been outgrown. There’s not really much to be done about it other than to buy your kids clothes when they need them, or find another source of hand-me-downs. (But then your family circle of clothing might magically start up again when they’re all teenagers going through massive growth spurts and outgrowing their clothes every few months like babies! It’s insane!)

Your SIL might already realize that — with so many boy cousins so close in age — the hand-me-down circle is not as practical/helpful as it once was, and might choose to hold onto her middle son’s clothing going forward. That’s fine! Or she might start a secondary circle with the boy cousins on her husband’s side. Also fine! Or she might not care nearly about the hand-me-downs as much as you think she does, and be totally fine with buying new clothing for baby #3, since she’s tired of seeing that same old Daddy’s ‘Lil Slugger t-shirt from circa 2017 anyway. 

This is a Nice Thing. No need to overthink the Nice Thing. You’ll all figure it out, and nobody’s kids are gonna go naked.

More about Kids’ Clothing from Alpha Mom:

1. Making the Most of a Hand-Me-Down Wardrobe
2. On Tying (and Buying) Kids’ Shoes
3. A Guide To Thrifting With Your Teen

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