When Your Toddler Stops Sleeping
Hi Amy,
I’ve written before and you were amazing in helping out when I had drama with my Mother-in-Law so I figured I would pitch another question your way and see what you had to say. My son is now about 17.5 months old and is driving.me.insane.
Since he was around 11 months old he’s been sleeping through the night getting about 11 hours and he dropped to one nap a day around a year old and that nap was about 2 hours. Lately that has gone all to hell. About 3 weeks ago he started waking up early in the morning, somewhere between 4am and 5:30am. He will not go back to sleep at this point even though he is clearly still tired. We’ve pretty much tried everything to get him to stay in bed longer and sometimes we’ll get an extra 30mins-1 hour, sometimes he’s just up and that’s the end of it.
Naps have also gone all to hell and are only about an hour these days. He’s cranky, over-tired and throwing temper tantrums at the drop of a hat (which I realize is age-related anyway). The thing that’s interesting about all of this is that he naps at daycare. He’ll put in at least 2 hours there if not more and doesn’t wake up after an hour, or at least that’s the report I’ve gotten from the women who are with him.
I know he’s getting molars but those have all cut through and when he wakes up he screams bloody murder until one of us comes in. It almost sounds like he’s scared but it’s not night terrors considering how responsive he is when we go see him. I suppose my question is, do you have any insight into what’s up here? Did you go through this with either Noah or Ezra and did it pass by?
I’ve combated this on the weekends by giving him two naps if necessary getting his daytime sleep back to 2 hours and we put him to bed extra early to help manage his over tiredness. If you have any other insight or suggestions let me know because this is killing me. I kind of feel like I’m doing everything wrong all over again because of how miserable we all are right now.
Thanks in advance for your help. If you haven’t dealt with this nonsense with your kids hopefully Ike won’t be an exception.
E
Everybody! Say it with me! Let’s give a big cheer for the 18-MONTH SLEEP REGRESSION YAAAAYYYYY!
I know it’s cold comfort, but this is so, so normal. Hair-pulling, eyeball-searing, crazy-making NORMAL. I don’t know why more pediatricians don’t arm parents with information about sleep regressions, because it would be SO NICE to know that hey, yeah: Sometime around 18 months old your child’s sleep will go to absolute HELL. Both for naps and nighttime.
(For the record, I don’t think your daycare ladies are telling you the full truth. I bet he’s giving them hell too, but they’re trying to assure you that everything is fine. Because MY daycare ladies did the same thing to me during Noah’s four-month sleep regression, just INSISTING that his naps were continuing on all perfectly and peacefully there. This white-lie had the opposite effect on me, because it made me feel like a failure at home because WHY AREN’T YOU NAPPING FOR MEEEEEE. Then one day I had to drop off some extra supplies for him after lunch and caught them doing laps around the room with a howling, pissed-off Noah who was CLEARLY in no mood for a nap, oh hellll no.)
Anyway. Obviously, you want to rule out other possibilities (festering ear infection, molars, night terrors, etc.), but once you blow through that relatively short list and are STILL dealing with crazy non-sleeping patterns in the 17-19 month range, yep. 18-month sleep regression. Hello and welcome to it. Please read this entry by the great sleep-regression-whisperer Ask Moxie, because she describes it perfectly. It’s normal. It’s awful. It’s not your fault, there’s not really anything you can do to fix it, but. But! IT WILL PASS.
I wish I could remember how long it lasted for us — and oh yes, we went through it with both Noah and Ezra, and I am confident we will go through it with Ike (who just last week seemed like he was getting a head start on the four-month regression, then went back to normal the last two nights, ebb and flow and unpredictability, ahoy!). It was definitely one of the longer, more brutal regressions. A month, at least, I’d say. (I’ve blocked it out, lalalala.) The early ones tended to last under two weeks, on average. And since the 18-month regression hit the boys’ naps just as hard, it meant day after day of dealing with a cranky, willful, overtired toddler who JUST NEEDED TO SLEEP BUT WOULDN’T.
I have no solutions or suggestions. You’re not doing anything wrong. You just go day by day and hope for the best, and hope that maybe today is the day he’ll snap out of it and go to sleep. If not, well, maybe tomorrow.
I do have a ton of sympathy though, because oh. OH. There were days when my exhaustion and frustration would take over and I just. Couldn’t. Deal. With my child’s sleep-deprived tantrums and whining. There were days when I made multiple trips to the bathroom to count to 10. Who is this annoying, non-sleeping monster child and where did my sweet little baby go? Why did I think we were so lucky to have a good sleeper only to have it all turn to crap before his second birthday? WHY GODS OF HYPERBOLE, WHYYYYY?
And then, just like that, BAM. Done. Over. Back to sleeping through the night and waking up cheerful and well-rested and napping just as good as before.
That will happen for you too, I promise.
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23 Responses to “When Your Toddler Stops Sleeping”
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Feb 13
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I had never heard of sleep regressions when my oldest two were babies probably because they slept great. But after going through a 4 night sleep regression at 4 months with my youngest (it felt like a lot longer though), and a 10 night one at 10 months, I am not looking forward to what’s heading our way in 6 months. I might start sobbing now.
I still have night terrors. Actually, even moreso now that I’m an adult.
Amy, thank you. Thank you so damn much. At least now I feel better because this is the one regression I feel like NO ONE talks about. 4 months and 9 months people talked about. This one, no one will cop to dealing with. Now I must just survive without killing someone (likely my husband).
Zoe, I had the baby who didn’t sleep through until after he got through the 9 month regression. He went from growth spurts to regressions and just never slept. Then after 8 months or sleeping BAM! I will cross my fingers that you do not deal with this business too.
Also the transition from two naps to one can go back and forth for quite a while. My daughter started daycare around 18 months, and they do one nap there, but on the weekends she still seemed to need two naps for a long time. We finally dropped to one nap on the weekend when she was over 2 yrs. And, I don’t know about daycare lieing about your kid’s naps. Mine consistently sleep 2 hrs or more at daycare, but we are lucky to get an hour at home. I chalk it up to different environment and routines.
I just wanted to note that my kid also went through sleep regression periodically, but would actually sleep just fine at daycare for whatever reason. More tired? Knew he couldn’t pull his crazy tactics? Who knows. But it is possible that the OP’s kid is napping just fine as the daycare people say. Mine did.
And yes, my kid is now five and went through all kinds of crazy regressions for sleep and now again sleeps through the night (note: it didn’t take until now.) It all goes away … eventually …
I don’t have anything helpful to offer to the OP, unfortunately, but I did read this interesting article about baby and toddler sleep in the NYT today: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/13/health/views/13klass.html
I have a small dayhome and *all* the kids nap here better than they do in their own homes. I’m not the sleep whisperer or anything – my own kids gave up naps entirely really young – but my theory is just that the other kids (many of whom are only children) just get more tired here than they do at home. We go for walks, there is lots of running and mental & physical exertion… kids get worn-out at daycare. So he *may* be sleeping at daycare better than he does at home. It wouldn’t be unusual.
My 19 month old daughter just went through this, and right around the time I was frantically calling my mother to come and help because I couldn’t function, she started sleeping again. Just like with all of these milestones, right? About the time you think you’re DONE, voila, it is all better. I will say that in her regression, my daughter stopped sleeping through the night AND at daycare, and would completely pass out in the car going home from daycare and then be a wreck until her bedtime. Her teachers and I figured out that she would sleep at daycare if she was on the floor mat and she went to sleep well after all the other kids. She just needed a shorter nap and less of a fight about going to sleep that would leave her exhausted. Around the same time we also figured out that she needed less sleep at night. Although on the weekends she often does take 2 naps (of only around 30 mins). So weird.
What about at 2 1/2 years old? She’s always been an early riser but now I just can not get her to go to bed and stay in bed though clearly she’s exhausted.
My older daughter didn’t really go through this at 18 months. She went through SOMETHING between 9 months and 14 months, where she’d previously slept twelve hours a night with no fuss for 6 months prior. I was on the verge of checking myself into the loony bin when she finally started sleeping again. But at 18 months? She was fine.
.
My younger (more willful, stronger, more vocal, more… MORE) daughter did do the 18-month sleep regression. And the two of them share a room. That was fantastic. We did just about everything we could think of that would not get her in the habit of screaming in order to get out of bed (I still live in fear of going back to that, and it’s been a year and a half since our older daughter went through her nightmarish sleep strike). Made sure she had enough water before bed, checked her diaper if she screamed (without getting her out of bed), made sure she had pain relief if her FOUR MOLARS were making another damn surge. On particularly bad nights, we didn’t do anything, but we did go in every half hour or so to pat her and reassure her that we didn’t disappear into the ether every time we walked out the door.
.
But we did NOT get her out of bed unless she needed a diaper change. Two weeks of two hours of screaming every night, and she abruptly went back to sleeping like a champ. In fact, I think she’s an even better sleeper now than she was.
I could have written this EXACT same letter a month ago. I seriously was dying. AND, I was uber-pregnant with our second (we just had her on Sunday!) so I was really freaking out because how in the world would I deal with a newborn AND this new crazed toddler who just needs to sleep???!!!
And, Amy is right. Suddenly, one day the horror just ended. I think she started sleeping in to her normal time first (after we instituted earlier bed time) and then within a few days, her nap got back to normal. I am so glad it is over. So, I know that isn’t super helpful other than to know that I feel your pain!
I was going to ask the same question as Andrea. Ours went through a sleep regression a little before she turned two and then again at 2 & 3/4. Our pediatrician just went through the list of questions about our parenting techniques (we were following all the “tried and true stuff that should have had our child sleeping on a regular basis within two or three nights of being consistent” crap) & never said a word about sleep regression. I honestly felt like I was just a terrible mom with a crazy child. Thankfully it evened out for several months and then hit again for about a month when she was 2 & 1/2. Are there more times that it’s typical for sleep regression to pop up?
Oh my goodness! I am so there right now! My son is 19 months old and we have been going through this for a while, but this week it has been much worse. Lately he’s been waking up crying at various times in the late evening, usually right before we’re going to bed. This morning he woke up a little after five and screamed, “MAMA! DADA!” and whichever one of us would try to leave the room, he would cry for us until we came back. It is so weird, and frankly, getting tiresome! So, I hope it is over soon and we can return to the sweet, happy little boy who would go to bed so nicely and stay there until a decent hour in the morning. I keep telling my husband that I don’t know how we’re ever going to have a second child, because we keep jumping hurdles with this one! So, to all you mommies and daddies with more than one, I am in awe of your courage!
phase phase phase.
my 2 yr old just SEEMS to be coming out of his crazy ‘i-refuse-to-sleep-in-the-day’ phase. it drove me nuts. up at abt 6 in the morning and then non stop activity (and crankiness towards evening) till about 6.30 in the evening…at which point he would be just-cant-stay-awake any longer.
so breathe. my son’s phase lasted a lilttle over 2 months. but now he seems to be coming out of it (anti-jinx) . things will get better.
Our 2.5-year-old definitely went through some kind of sleep regression. She started SCREAMING every night when we put her to bed. She’s very articulate, but was only just beginning to learn how to express her own feelings and fears, and we couldn’t figure out the source of her distress. I finally deduced that a shadow on the wall and ceiling made by her crib bars looked like giant monster teeth. This is a girl who has never seen a show or read a book that had monsters in it. Funny what their little brains can concoct all by themselves. I did some rearranging to eliminate the shadow made by the nightlight, and that helped. But she still refused to sleep. Absolutely nothing worked. In the end, we had to just ignore her screaming and wait it out. It took one night of us ignoring it. I felt like the worst mother ever, but I was starting to lose it (I, uh, don’t do well with sleep deprivation). And it only took one night, and then she was fine. So weird. So, look out for shadows or other things that might look scary in the room.
I love the idea that other people’s houses make them more tired, and am now wondering why that never occured to me. I just used the fact that she would take naps for babysitters as more evidence that I just didn’t know what I was doing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing makes me more mama-stabby than a kid who won’t sleep and then fusses the rest of the afternoon. I can handle almost anything else, but dangit, kid, sleeeeeep.
Oh thank all higher powers that you wrote this. We’re in the midst of this and I was wondering what in the world was going on. Sprout has generally been a pretty good sleeper, the obvious teeth had broken through, and yet she was waking up all the time. Or being up from 1-4 am. Or waking up at 5 and not going back to sleep. And I was dozing off at my desk and completely failing to get anything done. So it’s nice to know that it’s just part of the giant SEKRET baby conspiracy and she’ll grow out of it. Right? RIGHT???
We went through this HARD and I was pregnant and totally lost for what to do. Maybe it would have stopped on it’s own, but my husband and I had totally reached our breaking point and so he did what every many does when he hits his limit – he called his mom.
She took the monitor from us and stayed for a week, though we didn’t need that long. 2 or 3 nights of her getting my son in the middle of the night instead of me or daddy (which were the two people he wanted) and it was over. I should note she lived 7 hours away, so although at that age my son knew her, he didn’t have the super close fun relationship with her that he has now.
I realize this isn’t a viable option for everyone, but if you have someone who will do this for you, then go for it!
I just have to comment.. Amalah.. you said the 18 month one was ‘the long one – lasting a month or more’. Gah. the 4month regression lasted for 3 months for me. Luckily, we skated past the 9 month regression (a couple nights and it was over – might have been teeth). I think I paid my first year dues. Not looking forward to the 18month one at all (not that anyone would).
I hope that is what is happening with my little girl right now! Regression mixed with teething and now a cold to top it all off! She started sleeping through the night at 14 months, the week after I weaned her. Before that she NEVER slept through the night and woke up at least 3 times a night. At 7 months she went through a THREE MONTH period of waking up 7-10 times Every. Single. Night!!! I nearly lost my mind. My husband had just deployed for a year and it was one of the lowest points in my Mama career. She is 21 month now and I would say the regression started 6 weeks ago. I’m pregnant with #2 so she better learn to sleep and nap again soon! I can’t wait for 10 hours of sweet sleep and a 3 hour afternoon nap…..someday!
Up until three weeks ago, my daughter was sleeping 7 to 7 and then leisurely hanging out in bed for half an hour by herself after that. Now at 17.5 months, she is suddenly waking up at 5:30 crying for us to go to her immediately and having nighttime wake-ups too. I’d never heard of sleep regression but it totally fits. She had this same early morning pattern earlier this year (at 9 months I see now) and it lasted a few MONTHS but then went away. It’s miserable to be up in the dark cursing your kid to go back to bed, and worse three hours later when you’re both exhausted and sick of each other before the day’s really even started. I feel for you… hoping it’s a phase like the folks above say it is.
It seems my daughter has been experiencing the 18 month regression. It started at about 17 1/2 months. She’s now 19 months and she’s still having one issue. We’ve made it through night wakings and right now she’s having nap issues. Prior to the regression she napped everyday like clockwork, 12:30-2:30pm. She slept every night like clockwork 7:30-7:30. Now, at exactly the one hour mark of her nap, she wakes crying. She’s never done this before the regression. It’s obvious later in the day that her nap wasn’t sufficient. Is it normal for the 18 month regression to last 2+ months? Is there anything I can do to help her stay asleep and nap longer?