Parent Truisms: End-of-School & Summer Vacation Edition
1. Don’t bother cleaning out your kid’s backpack at the end of the school year. Just light it on fire.
2. Beginning of the year party: You bring two dozen gourmet cupcakes.
End of the year party: You bring an expired bag of chips.
3. The teacher who’s the most bright-eyed in September will be the one zooming out of the parking lot with a bottle of tequila in June.
5. You think you want to be the house where the neighborhood kids hang out all summer. Until you’re the house the neighborhood kids hang out at all summer.
6. There will be one kid who spends so much time at your house this summer, you’ll wonder if you should start a college fund for him.
7. What a kid packs in their suitcase for vacation: balls, old markers, cookies, cat toys, action figures, Play-Doh.
What a kid doesn’t pack in their suitcase: Underwear.
8. The kid who says, “I’m bored” on the first day of summer is the kid doing yard work on the first day home from school.
9. Popsicles count as a meal during the summer.
10. You will roll your eyes at the idea of a preschool graduation until it’s your kid graduating.
11. Limiting your kids to one hour of summer TV is as hard as limiting yourself to one margarita.
12. If you send your kids to sleep away camp, you will cry before they leave, cry while they are away and cry that they are home. Yet be completely happy you sent them.
13. You will at some point beg anyone who comes to your house – whether it’s the pest control guy or the cable guy – to help you take care of the kids.
14. Your quest to be the fun, carefree mom will last exactly 7 hours – at the moment your kids are spitting chocolate covered marshmallows at each other and demanding another marathon dance party with 20 of their friends.
15. You will take too long to sign up your kids for camp and will try to convince them to take the last two spots at Camp Lottsa-Lice.
16. At some point you will let your kids convince you that sitting outside with an iPad is pretty much the same thing as playing outside.
17. In June, happy hour starts at 5. In July, it starts at 4:30. In August, morning mimosas anyone?
18. You will forget to order the required school supplies and will end up wrestling some 12-year-old for the last packet of highlighters at an overcrowded office supply store in late August.
19. The day your kid goes on a camp field trip to the zoo is the same day a rare lizard goes missing. Your child will swear it’s just a coincidence.
20. You will wonder how on earth you are supposed to apply a 4 oz bottle of sunscreen liberally and frequently on all 3 kids.
21.You will consider chucking your child’s giant sculpture out the window on the way home from art camp.
22. You will hide your wallet from your children every time the ice cream truck circles your block.