Delivery Room Abandonment Threat

Hi Amy,

I am 34 weeks pregnant. This past Saturday was my baby shower. As the night was almost coming to an end, everything that was great ended up bad.

It all started with my husband wanting to leave the baby shower and me starting it by screaming out loud why he was leaving that we needed to open presents. That all escalated with my mother getting loud and my father rushing my husband to take away the car keys so he wouldn’t leave because he was supposedly drunk (which he wasn’t).

I’ve been in a very depressed mode where I don’t know what to do. My husband called me today telling me I had no option and saying that he doesn’t want my parents in the hospital when the baby is born. That he would be in the delivery room and after the baby birth he would sign the birth certificate and leave because, he doesn’t want to be around my family.

I am the only daughter and I have two other brothers. I have always been mommy and daddy’s little girl and I have always sacrificed everything to make them happy. I am stuck and in need of some serious help! What do I do? How can I not have my parents there but then not my husband there! I am going crazy and falling into such a deep depression! I really need this advice. What do I do?

Please help me.

Oh dear.

I have so many follow-up questions here. Why did your husband want to leave the baby shower early? Was he actually drinking and maybe more intoxicated that he (and you) would like to admit? Does he have a history of over-indulging? Or do your parents have a history of fanning the drama flames and made a weird situation purposely worse? What’s the larger history between your husband and your family and why is it just NOW becoming a Huge Major Ultimatum thing?

(And why do you say you “started it” by asking your husband to hey, the shower isn’t over, don’t be rude, sit back down? All reasonable requests, even if you didn’t deliver them as calmly as you’d like; he WAS being rude and shouldn’t have tried to leave without a really good reason.)

I want you to call your doctor and ask for a referral for a therapist or psychologist RIGHT NOW

But even knowing I’m missing a lot of background information here, what your husband is doing now — emotionally blackmailing you right before you’re about to GIVE BIRTH TO HIS CHILD — is so, sooooooo not cool. There’s a right way to make requests to the mother-to-be about delivery room and hospital arrangements, but “I will abandon you and my newborn child if I don’t get my way” sure as HELL ain’t it.

You should NOT be navigating this mess alone right now.

I’m really, really sorry you’re going through this. Unless there’s really some awful, AWFUL things your family has done to your husband (beyond just…embarrassing him at a baby shower?), I’m coming down pretty hard as anti-husband right now. The way he’s chosen to escalate HIS problem with YOUR parents, while threatening to abandon you in the delivery room (and it sounds like he isn’t even living at home since the shower incident?)  is pretty emotionally abusive, and I will not have that shit. Not when you’re 34 weeks pregnant, not when you’re newly postpartum, not ever.

I don’t care, frankly, if he’s got a valid case against your parents and family and has valid reasons for not wanting them at the hospital right away. (Lots of couples ask for a few hours or even days just to themselves after giving birth!) The way he’s gone about “solving” the problem is vindictive and cruel.

I initially wrote that you should call his bluff and tell him your family will be present, but upon more reflection, I don’t think any sort of confrontation is wise. There’s just too much risk for this situation to escalate into something unsafe for you. (If he’s not at home right now, you should ask someone — a parent or sibling or friend — to come stay with you in case he does show up demanding answers to his ultimatum.)

And, I want you to call your doctor and ask for a referral for a therapist or psychologist RIGHT NOW, because you REALLY need some good neutral third party support and more advice. Someone who you can tell the whole big picture to and help you sort out who is being the bigger asshole here (hint: it’s not you) and –if I’m right here — help you plan a SAFE exit strategy from an emotionally abusive situation. Or get out from under your parents’ control, if that’s the case! Anything is possible I suppose, but you should NOT be navigating this mess alone right now.

And since you twice mentioned depression: Here is the direct link for contact information for Postpartum Support International which also provides assistance for prenatal mood and anxiety.  Their depression helpline phone number is 1-800-944-4773. They offer free and anonymous info sessions. 

Good luck, and I hope you and your baby are deliciously happy together, with or without him.

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Photo source: Depositphotos/masterwilu

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