I don’t really know if you will have advice to give, but I just feel like talking to someone. Last year I wrote to you about wanting advice concerning a tubal ligation. I spent my entire pregnancy trying to figure out what to do. It was our fourth child. My husband was done, and I mostly agreed. I got my tubes tied right after my c-section and I have regretted it every day. I just feel so sad that I will never have another child. I feel ridiculous for having these feeling since most days I feel overwhelmed with the four that I have. My husband does not share my feelings. He is very sympathetic, and I’ve expressed to him how I feel a lot. I have been a private math tutor the last 7 years and have recently turned it into an actual business. I love it. I was hoping by moving forward with something new these feelings may dissipate, but they haven’t. Will this just naturally fade with time? I don’t want to spend the next decade aching for another child.
I am very sorry you are feeling this way. I completely understand why you are feeling this way.
You need to talk to someone and tell them you are feeling this way.
It’s very good that you’re able to share your feelings with your husband and have him be mostly understanding, but I think a professional therapist is more suited to assess and deal with this much residual sadness and regret. Especially since it’s gone on as long as it has.
I am not a therapist or doctor, but your letter is setting off my alarm bells for postpartum depression. Yes, you have an Actual Thing That You Are Sad About, but that does not preclude the sadness from being PPD. You’ve been carrying around daily regret and sadness — while probably beating yourself up and chiding yourself for being “ridiculous” — for how long now? About a year, I’m guessing, given where you were with your last pregnancy when you wrote before.
Please please please stop waiting for this to just “go away” on its own, with time, and take some proactive steps to pull yourself out of this sadness. (I also highly recommend a visit to the excellent Postpartum Progress website.)
It might not be PPD, of course. It could just be regular ol’ sadness and regret and a profound mourning of the end of your childbearing years. Which I totally get, because hi. I skipped the tubal on baby number three, we’ve since determined that we are DONE DONE DONE, my husband got a referral to a good urologist and….uh. Yeah. Nothing happened after that. Yet. It will. Soon. Maybe. I guess.
But again: The sitting around waiting to magically “feel better” isn’t working. The sadness is obviously intrusive enough for you to reach back out and write this email. You said you weren’t sure if I’d have any advice to give, but I DO. It’s time to deal with these feelings under the care and guidance of a professional who can help you work through them and refocus your thoughts and view of the future. Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.Published August 11, 2014. Last updated August 11, 2014.