Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition
You can totally relate, right?
1. The moment you press “Complete Transaction” to order your son his Power Ranger outfit, he will decide to be Spiderman.
2. You will spend $10 on a cute candy bucket and your tween son will instead use your best pillowcase for trick or treating.
3. It’s really hard to explain to kids how the Halloween decorating budget got spent at Bloomingdales on really really cute wedges.
4. Your favorite kid is the one who can carve a pumpkin that looks like Ryan Gosling.
5. The Halloween triathlon: Jumping over a candy rack, shimmying under table and knocking over 3 fellow shoppers to get the last Elsa costume.
6. Good parents sort* through their kids’ Halloween candy. (*steal the chocolate)
7. If you leave a bowl of candy outside your door with a sign that reads, “Please just take one,” you are a true optimist.
8. Kids have just as much fun counting all their loot at the end of the night as they do eating it. Just kidding. Counting sucks. Eating rocks.
9. A successful parent is one that can steal their kid’s candy without detection.
10. Carving a fancy jack-o-lantern won’t impress your kids. But the swear words you yell while you’re doing it might.
11. If you buy bags of candy you don’t like, you’ll eventually decide you do like it. Usually at 3 a.m.
12. Even if you’re super exhausted, the neighbor’s fake graveyard is never a suitable place to take a nap.
13. Turning your porch light off is a signal that you don’t have candy. And a signal that you want your house pelted with eggs.
14. Your kid is too old to trick or treat if you can see his mustache under his Elmo mask.
15. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should dress up like a Sexy Hamburger.
16. If you buy a singing skeleton, and you have children, you will hear “Another One Bites The Dust” 857 times.
17. Kids never forget the houses that hand out pennies instead of candy.
What did we miss?