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(Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition) Your favorite kid is the one who can carve a pumpkin that looks like Ryan Gosling.

Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition

By Kelcey & Wendi

You can totally relate, right?

1. The moment you press “Complete Transaction” to order your son his Power Ranger outfit, he will decide to be Spiderman.

2. You will spend $10 on a cute candy bucket and your tween son will instead use your best pillowcase for trick or treating.

3. It’s really hard to explain to kids how the Halloween decorating budget got spent at Bloomingdales on really really cute wedges.

(Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition) Your favorite kid is the one who can carve a pumpkin that looks like Ryan Gosling.

4. Your favorite kid is the one who can carve a pumpkin that looks like Ryan Gosling.

5. The Halloween triathlon: Jumping over a candy rack, shimmying under table and knocking over 3 fellow shoppers to get the last Elsa costume.

Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition Good parents sort* through their kids’ Halloween candy. (*steal the chocolate)

6. Good parents sort* through their kids’ Halloween candy. (*steal the chocolate)

7. If you leave a bowl of candy outside your door with a sign that reads, “Please just take one,” you are a true optimist.

(Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition) Kids have just as much fun counting all their loot at the end of the night as they do eating it. Just kidding. Counting sucks. Eating rocks.

8. Kids have just as much fun counting all their loot at the end of the night as they do eating it. Just kidding. Counting sucks. Eating rocks.

9. A successful parent is one that can steal their kid’s candy without detection.

(Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition) Carving a fancy jack-o-lantern won’t impress your kids. But the swear words you yell while you’re doing it might.

10. Carving a fancy jack-o-lantern won’t impress your kids. But the swear words you yell while you’re doing it might.

11. If you buy bags of candy you don’t like, you’ll eventually decide you do like it. Usually at 3 a.m.

12. Even if you’re super exhausted, the neighbor’s fake graveyard is never a suitable place to take a nap.

13. Turning your porch light off is a signal that you don’t have candy. And a signal that you want your house pelted with eggs.

14. Your kid is too old to trick or treat if you can see his mustache under his Elmo mask.

15. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should dress up like a Sexy Hamburger.

16. If you buy a singing skeleton, and you have children, you will hear “Another One Bites The Dust” 857 times.

17. Kids never forget the houses that hand out pennies instead of candy.

What did we miss?

Explore Halloween costumes, crafts, decorations and treats from our archives here.

Kelcey & Wendi
About the Author

Kelcey & Wendi

This post was jointly written by Kelcey Kintner & Wendi Aarons.

Kelcey Kintner, a Florida-based mother of five, writes the humor blog,

This post was jointly written by Kelcey Kintner & Wendi Aarons.

Kelcey Kintner, a Florida-based mother of five, writes the humor blog, The Mama Bird Diaries. Wendi Aarons is an award-winning humor writer and blogger who lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and two sons. You can usually find her at Wendi Aarons. Kelcey & Wendi are also co-founders of the cheeky advice site, The Mouthy Housewives. They are also individual contributors to Alpha Mom.

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Comments

  • Kari

    Even 30 years later – you will remember the houses that gave out full sized chocolate bars to the kids and “coffee” to their exhausted parents!

    • Kari, please let me know if any of those “coffee” houses are in Austin. Thank you.