Five Things I Wish Somebody Told Me About Weaning
Yes, weaning. Whether it happens at two months or two years, it can be a really weird time. Maybe you feel relieved, like somebody finally gave back your freedom and your body. Maybe you feel guilty, like you did something wrong or didn’t try hard enough. Maybe you even feel a distinct loss of identity, like you aren’t sure how to be a mom without the “nursing” adjective. Maybe it’s a mix of all three, plus some other conflicting emotions I forgot to mention.
My baby weaned for good last week, right at the 10 month mark. I still, sometimes, can’t believe it. I keep waiting for him to change his mind and for everything to go back to “normal.” My husband goes on morning auto-pilot and brings him to bed and hands him off, before stopping and thinking about it, like…Oh. Right. We’ve begun taking turns putting each boy to bed, and while I really missed regular bedtime stories with Noah, I still really, REALLY miss my nighttime routine with Ezra, my baby, my boob man.
On the other hand, I don’t miss being bitten, or pinched, or slapped with a poundy little palm, or having my hair pulled. I like being able to wear THAT shirt or THAT dress, the ones without buttons or elastic. I like cocktails and another glass of wine and all the tuna sashimi I can eat.
Weaning Noah was easier, in a way, since we never had an exclusive nursing relationship to begin with. Going back to work full-time was a blow that my low supply and his poor suck and flow preference could not recover from, but that’s just how it went. Nothing more to be done. I tried to nurse him one morning and he pulled off and screamed until I gave him a bottle. I tried upping my pumping schedule that day, produced nothing, and couldn’t even get him to latch again that night. The end. Okay. My mom told me I did the exact same thing at the exact same age. Huh. Moving on.
So I was a little unprepared for the weaning this time, since it wasn’t so clear cut. I could, usually, convince and cajole Ezra into latching — even after a refusal earlier in the day. Was he done? No, he can’t be done. I better try again, keep going, keep offering. Turns out that I, philosophical advocate of “child-led weaning,” had absolutely no real idea what that meant in real life. A few things I wish I had known ahead of time:
1) Babies DO self-wean before a year, I don’t care what anyone says, SO THERE. When I first suspected that Ezra’s “distracted phase” was quite possibly something more than a phase, I consulted all my favorite books and websites for information about weaning, and how to tell if your baby was weaning. And was told over and over again that, essentially, it was all in my head, that babies don’t typically wean before 12 months, that it’s usually the mother misinterpreting a developmental stage. So…PHASE. Just a phase. And I’ll tell you what, that information made breastfeeding somewhat miserable, there at the end. How long was this phase going to LAST? Why was my baby being so DIFFICULT? What’s with the biting, the twisting, the boob strikes when he was clearly hungry? Snap out of it, baby! I was fighting a losing battle that I didn’t even know I was fighting; but I thought I was just being a diligent and informed nursing mom.
2). Your baby probably understands the process better than you do. Another thing that kept me soldiering on was the thought that I was WRONG about it, that I would stop and let my milk dry up and then OH THE HORRORS, Ezra would start rooting around and I would have nothing for him. Oh, God. Never happened. It’s eerie, almost like he has already forgotten that he ever nursed at all, or what my boobs were for. The last few times I tried nursing he regarded them as a curiosity — something to grab and poke rather than baby-bird dive-bomb at, like all those months before. If your baby is ready, he’s ready. Trust him, and your instincts.
3) You may continue to make milk for longer than you think. My supply was pathetic, by the end. I could not pump a drop, Ezra rarely nursed for more than a few minutes…so I assumed I would simply stop producing any milk rather quickly. A day, probably! And while I never had issues with leaking or engorgement, like many weaning moms, I did continue to have milk for more than a few days. It wasn’t a big deal physically, but oh, emotionally it tore me up. It kept tempting me to try ONE LAST TIME, to try to pump it, save it, something.
4) Phantom letdown! I KNOW there’s no more milk in there now, but…still. Like a phantom limb, I get these fake sensations of my milk letting down ALL THE TIME. Like, more than I did on a regular day of nursing. Does this ever…stop, do you know? It’s weird.
5) Any and all breastfeeding is successful breastfeeding. Okay, I actually already knew this one, but it’s important. I don’t care if you only nursed in the hospital, once or twice, or for a couple weeks, or months, or years. It doesn’t matter if always had to supplement with formula or pumped exclusively, or if nursed until your baby weaned or until you were ready and made the conscious decision to stop. You did it, and you rock. Be proud of what you accomplished, whatever that was, and don’t let anyone else’s breastfeeding yardstick make you feel like you fell short.
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Thanks for this post. I read your column as well so i had the background on Ezra’s self-weaning, but this makes me feel better about when I stopped nursing my son Jack. we stopped for good at the 9 month mark. I would have called it until recently called it mom-lead weaning, but reading about this I can now refer to it as a mutual decision. Jack started doing everything you decribed with Ezra. I was okay continuing with AM feeds before work, but they lasted all of 3 minutes before I was bitten, HARD. Plus the slapping, pulling off, distractions by every. single. noise. It was no longer an enjoyable experience. Pumping became more difficult at work, and we were supplementing, add a wedding on the west coast and we were done.
I had a bit of an identity crisis (although the realization is in hindsight). It was tough not being his sole food provider and the only one who could calm him down. And you’re right, it WAS quick, the memory loss of breast-feeding. I would say by 11 months he had no recollection of it at all.
Overall I am happy we had that relationship, happy that we had that bond, but at the end I was happy that we were mutually motivated wean. Thanks again…it reminded me that breastfeeding no matter how long you do it is worth commendation.
#5 really struck home. It’s so true. I’m not sure at which point we all felt we had to reach some magical milestone to have considered our children “breast-fed” and “job well done.” My son was about 4 months old when I quit breastfeeding.
I had a more than adequate supply of milk, and no problem pumping at work at all. BUT– between my many food allergies and his food allergies, there was hardly anything left for me to eat and the milk had so little fat it just went through him. His stomach was always upset and he was eating 35-40 ounces a day because it barely stayed in his system. I stopped giving him breastmilk and switched him to Neocate formula, and within a week, his tummy was acting “normal,” his cradle cap had cleared up, and the conjunctivitis in his eye was gone. None of it has come back since we switched to formula, and we didn’t start doing anything else differently. It was all because of allergies.
I know it was the best decision–best for him. But it broke my heart a little that he didn’t mind losing the breastfeeding a bit, and that we didn’t last longer. So anyway, I keep reminding myself about #5 all the time.
I decided to wean my first baby when after a morning out she still wanted to feed while standing on one leg and stretching the other leg over her head. Sometimes you can really tell that they have other things they’d rather do.
By 13 months we ended up with just one feed a day. The books I had all reckoned that the last feed to be dropped would be the snuggly night feed. Hah! The last feed we dropped was the snuggly, let mummy lie in bed for an extra half hour, morning feed.
I thought we would have a huge problem dropping the evening feed but when the time came I offered her cows milk in a sippy cup. The first night she drank it all and then settled to sleep. The second night she didn’t bother with it at all. And that was the end of that.
A fortnight after we weaned she had a bit of a tumble and cried and cried. I offered her the boob to calm her down and it was as if I was speaking a foreign language. She just didn’t understand why I thought it would help.
It was definitely stranger for me than it was for her.
Oh, I didn’t leak or feel that hard engorged feeling but my boobs did hurt for more than a month.
My daughter is 20 months old, and we weaned at 13 months, and I STILL HAVE MILK (didn’t mean to yell there).
Thanks for that last one, Amalah. I saw five different lactation people and still couldn’t ever get Griffin withdrawing milk. I pumped and supplemented for months, but around five months he had had enough of hanging out while I pumped during the day–he had places to go and things to do! I finally stopped pumping a few weeks ago (Griffin’s seven months now), when my nightly pump dwindled to half a bottle’s worth of milk. I still have milk in my breasts, one in particular, and I’m lately going through the whole “I never managed to be a nursing mother” thing again. Sigh. Hopefully I’ll have a boobman like Ezra someday to help me come to terms with this!
Thanks for #5, by the way… I’ve had a nightmare with nursing so far, and at almost 8 weeks now Jakob is getting pretty much all of his meals pumped into a bottle, with a nightly comfort suck from an empty boob (thanks, raging oversupply). I needed to hear (read) #5!
Uh, my daughter weaned almost a year ago? And I still have phantom letdown. It’s really freaky.
I decided to wean my first baby when after a morning out she still wanted to feed while standing on one leg and stretching the other leg over her head. Sometimes you can really tell that they have other things they’d rather do.
By 13 months we ended up with just one feed a day. The books I had all reckoned that the last feed to be dropped would be the snuggly night feed. Hah! The last feed we dropped was the snuggly, let mummy lie in bed for an extra half hour, morning feed.
I thought we would have a huge problem dropping the evening feed but when the time came I offered her cows milk in a sippy cup. The first night she drank it all and then settled to sleep. The second night she didn’t bother with it at all. And that was the end of that.
A fortnight after we weaned she had a bit of a tumble and cried and cried. I offered her the boob to calm her down and it was as if I was speaking a foreign language. She just didn’t understand why I thought it would help.
It was definitely stranger for me than it was for her.
Oh, I didn’t leak or feel that hard engorged feeling but my boobs did hurt for more than a month.
This is a great post.
My daughter quit breastfeeding cold turkey when she was 13 months. I had a lot of mixed emotions about it. More than a year later, I still have some milk in my breasts.
Although all of my six kids weaned at about 16 months, ALL of my neighbor’s five quit at 10 or 11 months. It made her sad, too.
And, um my “baby” is 16 1/2 and I can STILL feel phantom let-down. (I did while reading this post.) But it changes from wistful to funny after a while — how can I still feel that when I’m menopausal?!!!
My son finally stopped of his own volition at four years old – he is now 13 years old and I still remember “the breast-feeding years” with huge joy and warmth. I’m not a “feeding nazi” – my daughter stopped at about a year old – it just goes to show that they will just stop when they want to if you want to/can leave it to them!
I wish someone had told me I might stop making milk, even if both the baby and I still want to nurse.
At about 7 1/2 months, my daughter bit me hard enough to break the skin. It became horribly infected a few days later while we were on a trip. The pain was so bad that I cried every time I realized it was close to her feeding time. She wasn’t exclusively nursing, but I had a limited supply of formula, so I nursed through it, and got on some antibiotics as soon as we got home.
Within a few days, I realized that my supply was not what it had been, so we were down to just the bed time feeding. Within a week after that, I noticed that she hadn’t slept through the night several nights in a row. She wasn’t sick and we hadn’t changed routines, and it finally dawned on me that she was hungry. It broke my heart to realize that I wasn’t even making enough for that one feeding, but what really killed me was the realization that *I* was the one preventing her from getting enough to eat. We switched to formula and she started sleeping through the night again.
My milk dried up completely within a couple days and I never had any leakage or residual letdown. I chalk that up to the raging infection, courtesy my little vampire. I was sad, but still happy that we’d been able to do it, even when we were down to only once a day.
A, who turns 1 on the 3rd (ZOMG, sob!) stopped nursing after I landed in the hospital with a kidney infection for five days when he was 8 months old. I pumped and dumped for 15 days (b/c of meds) and then the morning when i could finally nurse him he looked at me like i was crazy and wtf is my bottle!. waaaah.
I pumped for another few weeks but then my supply just took a hit. and that was that. im still slightly sad about it, since we were going strong till i went to the ER (literally nursed him before walking out the door to go). but i know, were all healthy and fine today, so thats important.
the wine helps those sad feelings though:-)
I never imagined how sad, empty and depressed I felt when my daughter weaned at 18 months. I felt like my best friend died. I did research and learned that it’s the hormone withdrawal – similar to heroin.
Thank you for #1. My son stopped nursing during the day at 8 months old. I was so very emotional over it, convinced that it was me, all me! Everything I read, everyone I talked to said there was no way an 8-month old would self-wean. I pumped myself silly, hoping he would eventually want to go back to more than just his late-night feeding. I tried every trick in the book for two weeks, and nothing worked. And then, at 9 months old, he gave up the night feeding, too.
It was hard. Really hard. But in the end, I really felt that it was his decision, not something that I had caused, that he was ready to move on. Of course, that story on Kellymom about the 40-day nursing strike still haunts me, just a little.
I stopped nursing my son, who is 3 now, almost a year ago. He knows what they are for and what he did. He still asks from time to time, but at least he is ok with “no they’re empty”. but I don’t think it matters how long … I still feel guilty that I weaned him too early (2 months after he turned 2) … its been a year and I still have the phantom let down and/or an engorged feeling even when they are obviously not.
I enjoy his new freedom (and mine) sometimes I have to force the happiness, im sure he will go nuts when the new baby is nursing and he can’t but I hope he can understand
I’m at the point where I don’t know if my son will wean himself, ever. He’s almost one, but the amount of solid food he eats is laughable. I’m ok with it, I love nursing. But I’m seeing many more months of nursing, long past the 18 month mark.
what does that mean, “still have milk”?
And what’s with this phantom letdown? I don’t like my letdown! (like menstrual cramps of the boobs)
Thanks for posting on this topic…timely given Ezra’s self-weaning. My son is 10-almost-11 months old and I’m wondering if we are getting near that time (to wean). I have a couple of questions though:
1. If we drop the morning and night nursing (I nurse him to sleep), do I give a bottle, or should I transition him to a cup?
2. Is biting a sure sign of weaning? I thought that was also due to teething. So how do I know it’s weaning/not teething? (My son has 4 teeth and is working on 5/6 now)
After reading this post and the comments that followed, I’m scared of feeling like I still have milk. I had never heard of this before! (or phantom let-down…ugh) I wonder if there’s anything that can be done about this to alleviate the feeling/get rid of the milk. Please let us know if you hear of any remedies. I will also check with a lactation consultant when the time comes…UGH!
I really needed to read that…My 10 month old lost all interest in nursing about a week ago, and like mentioned above, I feel like my friend has died. Not only that, but I feel like the LaLeche League will come pounding down my door demanding I try harder to get him back on there.
Thanks for putting something out there that validated my feelings!
I quit cold turkey on my first son at 7 months because I felt overwhelmed, and couldn’t ever pump enough for him when I was gone or at work- let alone able to DO anything for myself. I don’t know why I never supplemented with formula. I just thought that was failure. Then I quit on him one morning in a mess of tears and guilt and bought formula… and he was fine. I was not. I felt like a total failure, and regretted it for every day of the last 3 1/2 years. Now with number two who is 4 months we are going strong. I am pumping, but also not afraid to supplement with formula if necessary. Life is much more enjoyable. For everyone. My fear? Son number 1 didn’t teeth until 8 1/2 months- long after weaning. Son number two show signs of ALREADY teething soon. I fear the fangs!!!
I was vaguely aware there would be a hormone shift, but I was totally thrown when I had a huge hormone crash and was completely depressed for days after. It was awful. My daughter chose to wean on her third birthday. Also, I had never heard of hair falling out post-weaning like it does post-partum, but wow. It only lasted a couple days, but handfuls of hair came out. It was crazy.
man I needed this. julian has the self wean going on during the day, I still try though in my ten hour workday the pump does nothing. I have my night feedings and morning feesings. but I desperately wanted to go to a year. I’m having a hard time with it.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
I nursed my son for 11.5 months. (see – still trying to prove my boob worth) It became so horrible pumping that I had looked down one day and it was pink – from blood! Crazy nursing expectations!
I woke up one day with an insane upper respiratory infection. I need shots and heavy meds and the doctor told me it was over with the nursing. I went home – crying like a moron. He never noticed. No fussing, he couldn’t care less! I think society somehow brainwashes us to think we have to do it for a year. Next time, I won’t beat myself up like I did the first time around! He and I bonded and enjoyed it and then life went on.
Well, #1 nursed until 28 months, mostly because I was uncomfortable because I was pregnant. She would have continued for quite a while. Our last to go was our morning “mommy drink”. And she still asked a few times after we were finished. I can still remember sitting on the floor and holding her while she cried that there was no more mommy drink. We’ll see where #2 goes to (6 mo so far), though she nurses much less and I’m beginning to suspect that my cycles will resume much earlier…(not until 13 mo after #1)
i am going through this right now with my almost two-year-old bean. i never thought it would be so hard to wean – but she’s ready and if i dig down deep and admit it, so am i.
i just blogged about my own experience – today is day two. hand me the cabbage, please.
Thanks for this post — it’s something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I have a 7.5 month old little girl, and for us – breastfeeding has always just been the easier, more economical way to feed. We had a spot of trouble in the very very beginning which resulted in a 5 day old baby taking expressed milk from a bottle for 3 days until I could get a consultant over to help me with the latching — and we always continued to give her a bottle of pumped milk a couple times a week to keep her familiar with the bottle. I always have had a decent milk supply, but she’s never really been a long feeder – only during a growth spurt will she actually stay interested long enough to take both boobs. She’s had a cold for the past week, and I think her stuffed-up nose is making it hard for her to nurse. Since she’s also not very interested in eating — we’ve been giving her more and more formula. This of course is making me very nervous that we won’t recover and go back to breastfeeding. She’s become increasingly fidgety, and trying to feed in public is becoming quite an exercise in futility. She doesn’t want to be covered up, she wants to turn her head and look at stuff, and basically she is just impatient if the milk isn’t RIGHT THERE. I’ve always had a slow letdown, and this is what caused us the problems when she was first-born, but she was a good (if fast) eater, and never seemed unhappy. But now – sigh, I don’t know. I’ve never placed a whole lot of feelings one way or the other about breastfeeding, but since it seems almost over, or on it’s way to being over, I am feeling nostalgic and sad. It’s like a whole category will be gone: “provider of food.” Now I will just be nurturer and caregiver. It’s a step away from me, and I hate it. I guess it’s not so much about ME, but that she is moving on. No longer my little baby that I can keep all to myself. So anyway that’s my sob story, lol. Thanks for the post Amy!
I really loved this article. Very informative. The last paragraph touched me very much. I have nursed two other babies and have mentally beaten myself up for not nursing an entire year! With my last I avoidedbottles like the plague and regret that now due to my lo needing me constantly not taking a bottle and not really bonding with anyone else, dh especially. Oh the things we mothers worry ourselves with!!!
So, so, so needed to hear this. I needed the positive reinforcement even if this is just a strike or phase.
YES!
My baby weaned right at the end of 8 months and I was devastated! I called my La Leche leaders and they were more unhelpful than I expected: they said it was a nursing strike and that I should not give a bottle or a cup. When I asked about nutritional needs or when I should see a doctor, they provided a vague and evasive answer, simply repeating their previous statements (spoke with two of them). I then went to see a Lactation Consultant who said he is likely weaning and then, when I saw my doctor, whom I trust completely, he said that he is indeed weaning and that I shouldn’t beat myself up. He said I could keep trying to give the breast, but if he refuses after two weeks, it’s weaning. I am really angry that the bulk of information available about breastfeeding online is not written by professionals but by mothers who judge mothers who can’t or choose not to breastfeed.
Yes, his weaning was right around his teething. In fact, within thirty-two days of weaning, he got six teeth! I’m still offering, but after eight weeks, am beginning to give up. All he wants to do is either pinch or nip with his teeth, like a toy. He is completely uninterested. I’m pumping but am starting to cut down significantly because it’s such an inconvenience that I’m not sure is necessary. Baby’s been heavy on solids for a while now (of his own accord). For breakfast, he easily devours a whole egg with half an avocado and veggies — he eats this on his own and I don’t ever force him to eat more than we would like. I figure he had long been getting his nutritional requirements from solids when he weaned. The doctor said that if he has no allergies, it was fine to start him on homogenized milk.
I wish more than anything that we could have continued nursing to a year, but I can’t control what I can’t control. Thank you for being a voice that supports what most of the professional community is saying.