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No-Show Baby Shower Blues

May25

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Dear Amy:

I spent 4 years trying to get pregnant. Finally we got good news and my best friend couldn’t wait to throw me a shower. After week 14, I let her and another long-time friend begin the discussions of a shower. I gave them a list of about 15 family, friends and co-workers whom I wanted to invite. Invitations were sent out about 6 weeks before the shower and all but 2 people RSVP’d yes to the event. Finally about 3 weeks ago I let myself become excited about this event. Unfortunately last week with only 4 days before the shower, everyone began to cancel. It wasn’t even that they cancelled, but that I had to contact them to find out whether or not they were still coming and then they gave a lame excuse for why they could no longer attend. They never contacted the hostesses to apologize for the last minute no show. I ended up having 3 great friends still come and it was a nice day. My problem is that some of these women that last minute cancelled are relatives, friends, or co-workers that I now have to see on a regular basis. I am extremely angry and hurt by what happened and am having a difficult time getting over it. I need some advice on how do I handle my emotions when I see them.

Disappointed

Ugh. I’m sorry. I really am. I feel you.

Something really similar happened at my baby shower.  I wanted something small and intimate, but…uh, it ended up being REALLY small. Embarrassingly small. Four friends (two of which were the hostesses) and my mom and MIL. Everybody else sent their regrets, or RSVP’d yes only to later send their regrets, or made me and the hostesses chase them down to get their regrets. We ended up having a perfectly nice afternoon and all, but it wasn’t at all what I’d pictured.

My friends splurged on a gorgeous cake to feed a crowd, and I ended up going home with enough leftovers to feed at least a dozen no-shows. Have you ever had your ego mocked by slices of cake in your fridge? It’s…weird. SCREW YOU, CAKE.

Obviously, in the grand scheme of life, this doesn’t really matter. I’m sure there are people reading who are like, uh, get the hell over it, it’s a tacky gift-grabby party anyway and who are you to judge people who were legitimately busy and blah blah blah. But at the same time, the fear of throwing a party — be it a shower, birthday, housewarming, or regular ol’ dinner — and having no one show up is pretty much a universal fear of universal mortification. It’s something I still think about when sending out invites to my children’s birthdays: Oh God, what if no one can come? What if only two people can come? What if only two people say they can come and then they don’t come and gaaaaaahhhhh.

Add onto this your potential guests’ completely rude behavior of RSVP FAIL and making you, the guest of honor, track them down later when a simple “I’m sorry, I cannot attend” email would have spared you having to listen to lame excuses. Yuck, man. People who RSVP yes or maybe and then cancel get a pass — I’ve had to that, for sure. But I understand the frustration of having to see and interact with people after the fact who let you down. Who probably don’t even realize they let you down or that there was a mass group-wide letting down that turned a special event into kind of a bummer.

But yeah, in the end, that’s all this was: A bummer. An overly emotional bummer because you’re pregnant and this was an event wrought with meaning for you. And a bunch of thoughtless clods hurt your feelings. You’re perfectly entitled to your hurt feelings. You’re perfectly entitled to not invite those people to anything ever again and maybe secretly pass on contributing to the next office birthday gift for them or something. Remember that relatives let each other down too, sometimes even more so than friends and acquaintances because family is easier to take for granted.

But then around them you keep your chin up and your head high and focus on the wonderful three friends you do have (because seriously: as life goes on and gets more crazy, having three whole wonderful best-type friends is REALLY EXCELLENT). If you feel emotional (HELLO HORMONES) and need to have a mini-pity party in the bathroom you go right ahead. It doesn’t mean you’re going to feel this way around them forever, but I’ve learned from experience that it’s really better to just go ahead and FEEL and OWN your pregnancy emotions rather than fight tooth-and-nail to bottle them up.

These emotions do have an expiration date, or at least a set point (BIRTH) when they won’t feel so acute and consuming. I promise. You’ll look back on this and say, “Well, that was kind of a bummer.” The specifics of the original guest list will fade and your memories of who gave what excuse will grow fuzzy. Think back to your wedding or graduation party or some other big event and try to remember the guest list/wedding party drama and who didn’t RSVP and who didn’t show up and…huh. I definitely remember that feeling like a really big deal at the time. But I guess it wasn’t.

You’re having a baby. Your social landscape is about to change drastically, whether you particularly want it to or not. There will be friends who drift away from you and possibly friends you drift away from, not necessarily on purpose. At least now you have a clear picture of who matters and who…really doesn’t. Don’t let the people who don’t matter occupy your headspace.

About the author

Amalah

http://www.amalah.com
Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy's daily mothering adventures at Amalah. Also, it's pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

If there is a question you would like answered on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to amyadvice@gmail.com.

Amy also documented her second pregnancy (with Ezra) in our wildly popular Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to rising first-grader Noah, preschooler Ezra, and toddler Ike.


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36 Responses to “No-Show Baby Shower Blues”

  1. Kacie May 25 at 1:33 pm Reply Reply

    GEEZ why do people have to be so rude about RSVPs? People just have really poor manners and it’s infuriating.

    I’m sorry you had that lame experience. If you can, try to focus on the people who *could* make it.

  2. LMo May 25 at 1:42 pm Reply Reply

    This is one of my great fears and pet peeves also. While my best friend had a huge wedding, she had the same issue with RSVPs–people just don’t understand the etiquette surrounding them anymore! Sorry your feelings were hurt, but Amy is right–the older you get, the more you realize that a handfull of good friends is worth more than a room full of acquantances. What the no-shows did was crappy, but you’ve got a couple of great women who obviously cherish you!

  3. Raquel May 25 at 1:54 pm Reply Reply

    I had the same feelings after my wedding. I was most upset at those who responded yes and then….no show. It was about 30 people. Now some of them called to offer congrats and regrets, some sent gifts, but there are some who I have still not heard from 2 years later. It is sad, but I got past it by admitting that those who were meant to be there, were there. And now what I have moved to this new phase in my life, those are the people who are closest to me and most supportive of me.

  4. Jimmy May 25 at 2:16 pm Reply Reply

    That sucks.  Im very sorry to hear that.  Ditto the point made about a small group of friends is better than a lot.  That is the truth.  And I’m finding that with having children it becomes pretty difficult to maintain those secondary relationships (the friends you like, but aren’t exactly the tightest with).  Free time becomes a lot more precious, and frankly, you barely have enough time for the people you really love, let alone that college buddy you used to enjoy on occasion.  

    To those who haven’t had their baby showers yet, I have two unconventional suggestions to help you avoid this fate:

    1) Invite the men.  Fellow parents don’t often get a day to be free of their family, and to be honest, a shower isn’t likely their preferred event when they finally do have that freedom.  Inviting the men, and the kids – diversifying your crowd – gives people something fun to do together, instead of forcing them to split up and make arrangements and such.  Related suggestion: make it a cookout.  

    2) Ask that gifts *not* be wrapped.  Tell people the gifts will be put on display right when they get there, so that everyone has more time to enjoy each other, instead of watching you unwrap gifts for an afternoon.  We made a little rhyme on our invites that made this explicit and playful, feel free to use it: “Our time is short, but our friends are many – so when it comes to wrapping, you shouldn’t do any.”  When each guest arrived, bare gift in hand, we made it a point to enjoy and express gratitude for the present there on the spot; check it out, talk about how much you love it, show it off to people next to you.  Make it all part of the party-atmosphere interaction.  This method with be slightly off-putting to a few people who prefer the traditional method of opening gifts one by one, but the vast majority of your guests will really love and appreciate that you chose this route.  

    (sorry for the long post! and happy weekend everyone!)

    • Liz May 25 at 2:30 pm Reply Reply

      These are brilliant suggestions, thanks for sharing. I always thought the hours-long gift opening portion was so off-putting, even at my own showers. We did a casual brunch with food, libations, and invited men and children. All our male friends came and I believe everyone enjoyed themselves. We also went with a Reduce-Reuse-Recycle theme and requested no wrapping of gifts, but no one over age 50 obliged, and still brought a boatload of cellophane, tinsel, bows, etc. Oh well!

    • roo May 25 at 5:00 pm Reply Reply

      This no-wrap option– wow. What a fabulous idea. 

      I don’t think I ever could have had that, because my mom and MIL are very traditional about these things (for instance, my mom put her foot down with a vengeance against having a wedding reception buffet and letting people sit where they wanted– even though it would have been less work and much less expensive. And IMHO, more fun. c’est la guerre.)

      But if I’m ever hosting an event like this, or in a position to advise someone who is– yeah. That’s a great idea. 

      I had a lovely baby shower. But I was sad that all these people I don’t see much came and went without me having much time to see them. 

      To the OP– I hope you don’t feel bad about feeling bad. And I’d say go ahead and avoid the people you don’t want to see, or simply be polite and distant, if need be.

      You have three friends who love you. And an amazing baby on the way. Congratulations!

    • Nerwal May 26 at 2:50 pm Reply Reply

      LOVE the no wrapping idea – we had a couples/family shower that was great – until the unwrapping, which took FOREVER. And it was uncomfortable for me to have all the attention on me/us for such a long time. And also I knew people were getting bored, because, really after the present you brought is unwrapped, who cares?

      OP: So sorry that happened to you. I would concentrate on the friends who could come and short of a super valid reason for not coming, not invest so much into the other people. 

    • Andrea Jun 05 at 3:11 pm Reply Reply

      I just had my baby shower last weekend, and I WISH I would have heard this suggestion. I always feel so completely awkward opening gifts in front of others, and even asked my lovely host if there was any way we could just “skip that part.” This would have been the perfect solution! 

  5. Liz May 25 at 2:19 pm Reply Reply

    People who don’t RSVP or who cancel on showers and weddings and parties probably think they are the only one doing so, and assume they won’t be noticed or missed. They don’t think that maybe 50% of the other invitees do the same and it can feel disastrous to the party hosts! Surely no one individual intended to hurt you, and the hurt mostly comes from the unfortunate fact that so many of them cancelled at the same time so it feels like a mass rejection. Which it honestly is not. I am sorry it happened to you but I bet that many of them will come through later on with thoughtful gifts and wishes and help after the baby arrives. Have faith that your friends will come through for you in the end.

  6. Lori May 25 at 2:36 pm Reply Reply

    I’m so sorry, Disappointed.  I can feel the sting from here,.  I agree with Amy’s advice as well as the comments of the other posters and I am sending a GINORMOUS hug to Jimmy for his excellent suggestions.
    When my kids were younger and had birthday parties at home, I had them unwrap each gift from each guest as he/she arrived, and I took photos to include with the thank-you notes.  I HATE those parties where the Guest of Honor (be it a bride-elect, an expectant mom or a Birthday Boy or Girl) devotes a huge chunk of time to opening gifts.  Granted, one might miss the “OoohAah Chorus,” but the actual celebration with family and friends of one’s milestone IS the most important part, innit?!

  7. Tara May 25 at 2:39 pm Reply Reply

    Ugh, I totally hear you. My mom and sister threw me a surprise shower for my first and… none of my husband’s relatives showed. Not his mom (who actually had a valid excuse), not his sister or nieces (who didn’t), cousins, etc. He and I were both pretty hurt by it, but like Amy said, it sort of fades into the background and you move on…

    But it still amazes me how rude people can be with rsvp’s. Whether you’re coming or not coming, how hard is it to respond by the date on the invite?

  8. C May 25 at 3:59 pm Reply Reply

    honestly, i can’t stand wedding and baby showers, for the reasons one of the commenters mentions. i’m going to give up my precious weekend time with my kids to fawn over a bouncy seat? nope.  but i do always send a gift (or bring one when i come see the baby), and i send a nice email when the kid arrives. i care! really. 

    but i always RSVP!  

  9. Kat May 25 at 4:18 pm Reply Reply

    Oh no! Sorry to hear about people not responding/no showing. People completely ignored the RSVP on my shower invitation too, and my friend who hosted didn’t take the time to track people down so we had no idea how many would show. We did invite men and kept it kid friendly, and ended up with a pretty good turn out despite the annoying guessing game with food quantities etc…the funny thing was some of the people who did show have shown ZERO interest since we had our son. Keep your good friends close, they will be the ones who show up with food and smiles after baby arrives (which is way better than hanging out at the shower!)

  10. VG May 25 at 4:29 pm Reply Reply

    This broke my heart. For someone to try for 4 years, finally be pregnant and want to share that celebration with everyone, and then no one RSVPs/no shows/cancels last minute just suck ass! Amy did make valid points, and I’m all for men @ showers, it’s a new age of parenting and men are more involved than they were 50-60 yrs ago.
    But I would like to throw out the question: Would it be bad for the OP to let those know how she feels? I know this is going against the grain here, but if she’s going to own those feelings of being hurt by the Huge Diss of no one at her shower, then why not let them know? Especially those that are relatives – I know me, and that would have to be called out on.

  11. Heather May 25 at 5:42 pm Reply Reply

    I know how you feel, OP.  While I was pregnant, I hosted a large baby shower for a friend due 2 months before me (25+ friends and her family) along with a couple of mutual friends.  They all said, “can’t wait for your turn!”. Well, two of them did nothing and the other one made a half hearted effort literally two weeks before I was due to pull something together, but it wasnt enough notice and no one could make it.  That hurt, especially since I had done a lot for these friends in the past.  But while I obviously haven’t forgotten the hurt, I’m over it.  I’m still friends with those people, but we’re not close at all.  Some of that is due to the baby, but some of it is due to me concluding that they aren’t good friends and I stopped making the effort.  They haven’t tried either, so the shower was a good indicator of whether they were real friends.  It sucks, but it is also nice to find out who your true friends are.  And it sounds like you have a couple of great ones!  

  12. Annie May 25 at 6:15 pm Reply Reply

    Ugh. It is an awful feeling. My husband threw me a suprise birthday party. Two friends came. I remember forcing myself repeatedly that night to focus on the friends who were there, and enjoy them. I just had to shake it off that so many people no-showed, and tell myself I was grateful I had never seen the guest list. But it did sting. I think thoughtlessness can be as painful as intentionally hurtful actions. I had similar experiences to previous commenters, that hurt faded away and didn’t matter as time went by. I am sorry you were hurt by the thoughtlessness of friends at an occasion that meantso much to you. A huge hug to you. I hope you enjoy a wonderful pregnancy.

  13. Mona May 25 at 10:11 pm Reply Reply

    Congrats, momma to be, on your baby! I also had a small shower, and frankly I just don’t have a lot of close girlfriends.  My best friends have always been guys, which is wonderful, but secretly I must confess to feeling a little inadequate, missing the “girl’s girl” gene.  So girly events like showers are always potentially awkward and bring up some less than positive feelings about my non existent girl circle.  I like the idea of inviting guys, and just focusing on the positive folks that surround you.
    Also, we here in Internet land are SO happy for you and the new love of your life.

  14. hrl May 26 at 12:39 am Reply Reply

    Ouch. That stings. I’m so sorry. I have a lot of friends who don’t have kids yet and they don’t like babies, baby showers, etc. Hang in there. 

  15. anon May 26 at 11:32 am Reply Reply

    Congratulations on your long-awaited pregnancy!

    I think people failing to RSVP at all, or RSVP-ing “yes” only to say “no” last minute or worse – just not show up – are beyond rude and thoughtless and they drive me straight up a wall. I would be very furious and hurt if I were in your position, and I am sorry that this happened to you.

    I wanted to provide a different perspective though, that might account for maybe one or two of your guests’ bad behavior. I recently found out that I cannot have children after many years and medical procedures. I am still reeling from the news. I haven’t attended a baby shower in YEARS (but I always always always RSVP). Anyway a friend of mine is pregnant and I know that pretty soon I will be getting a shower invitation. I really want to be there to support her (she has had a HORRIBLE journey herself) and yet I’m not sure I can do it. I cry whenever I see babies and baby stuff and babies on TV etc. – I am not sure I can handle this baby shower. And yet I WANT to handle it. The point I am making is that in this case I could see myself with the best of intentions saying that I can attend and then very last minute having a panic attack and backing out. I would of course let her and/or the hostess know but it would likely be the day of and I know it’s rude but you know, what is ruder? Showing up and bawling and leaving early is pretty damn rude too.

    So, I know that this could not possibly apply to all of your flakes or maybe even any of them but maybe it could explain at least someone’s last minute bad behavior.

  16. Niki May 27 at 12:05 am Reply Reply

    OP, I am so sorry. Amy is do right that this is a fundamental human fear, and then when you add in the excitement of celebrating something that took so long and which you feared might never come? Oh, honey!

    Y’know, I am teaching my fist class this quarter, and attendance has been remarkably good. Until. One day a couple of weeks ago, 1/3 of the class didn’t show up. Somebody remarked that each absent student probably thought “oh, nobody’ll notice if I don’t come today.”. And it would have been true any other day of the quarter. Maybe something like this happened with your invitees. It is something I will try to keep in mind in the future, should I feel inclined to flake.

    Okay, now to the suggestion of unwrapping presents immediately. This is brilliant! I hate present unwrapping extravaganzas. It is one of the reasons i kep my daughter’s second birthday party so small. At the same time, I do like a chance to see what folks got, and to chat with the guest of honor or others about how fabulous that Sophie giraffe is, or whatever. The last shower I attended was a free-for-all buffet with full families in attendance, and I was disappointed to simply dump our present (a Sophie; now that I think of it) in the guest bedroom, and then receive a thank you card a few weeks later.

    I am so excited about this idea, I think I will coopt it for every gift-giving party that isn’t Christmas. Thanks!

  17. Danielle May 28 at 10:40 pm Reply Reply

    This is one of those things where the sting fades with time. I graduated from a prestigious university the same year my brother graduated from high school. So my parents waited until June (a month after my graduation) so they could combine our celebrations into one massive party. We invited a huge number of people — we’re talking a wedding size guest list — and we stocked the house with food and drinks for a magnificent feast for a small army. And then, only a handful of people actually showed up (quite a few said they’d be there but just flaked without so much as a call or anything). It was heartbreaking, pathetic and I felt super unloved — and angry at a lot of people. But, I couldn’t change what happened. Over the years, it hurt less and less, and I started to forget exactly who all came and who didn’t. And most of the no-shows managed to make it to other important events (like my wedding, showers, 30th birthday surprise party, etc), so I eventually came to accept that it was just one of those crappy “perfect storm” situations, and not a sign that nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna eat some wooooorms.

    It has influenced how I (and my mom) schedule events now though. We realized then that May and June are horrendous months to schedule a party/event, because people get overbooked with weddings, graduations, Mothers/Fathers day, summer picnics/BBQs, vacations, Memorial Day (and camping that weekend especially), etc. Not sure when the letter-writer’s shower was… but if it was this month, perhaps that accounts for the turnout (not that it feels much better to know that so many people would pick other events over yours).

  18. tasterspoon May 29 at 4:44 pm Reply Reply

    It may be petty of me, but I’d probably find some comfort if the flakes found out, indirectly or otherwise, how the party turned out. One of the attendees could let the word “slip out” that only three people showed, and let the grapevine take it from there. Or maybe someone will ask YOU how the shower was and you could say, cheerily, “Oh, I haven’t had such a good time in years! There were only four of us so we [made our own ice cream/ upgraded our manicures/ whatever] … we laughed so hard I thought I was going to have the baby right then!”

    Maybe the flakes would feel properly horrified and remorseful and choose to make it up to you (by showering you with love and food and attention after the baby comes). If these are truly well-meaning, normally unselfish people who care about you, getting the word out now might prove useful to whoever’s organizing the casserole brigade down the road.
    Congratulations.

  19. Andrea May 30 at 8:53 am Reply Reply

    Sorry Amy,  I know didn’t do the best job in helping to organize it. I hadn’t even been to one let alone organized one to know that you really need to invite everyone you know.  Including work colleagues since offices no longer seem to organize baby showers.  I do remember one friend had car trouble and did call a few times apologizing and that was sweet.  

    I am glad to you did get to have a “do over” baby shower with your second.  I think we should all get at least one “do over” for life’s big events.  “wait.. wait.. cut.. let’s just take this again from the top people!”  That would be pretty sweet.  

  20. Randon Nennie May 31 at 10:41 am Reply Reply

    Oh hun … *hugs* x10. I feel you. Borderline same thing happened to me. I have no advice, but just wanted to let you know you’re not the only one it happens to. Just focus on the awesome people that were there – they matter!!

  21. Lauren @ T&G Jun 03 at 10:57 pm Reply Reply

    Awww there is nothing to say other than this just sucks :(. I am sure once the baby comes the anger/frustration will dissipate, and a lot of the people who disappointed you may end up surprising you!

  22. Chantell Terry Jun 04 at 5:29 am Reply Reply

    I definately know the feeling. Yesterday I had my baby shower. I really wanted my friend of 4 years to be the mistress of ceremony. Once my friends that I knew longer found out, they through a fit and I ended up putting them down to help with facilitating the shower. Once the shower happened, the friends who gave me the most grief were the ones who showed up late and did not offer to help with Setting up before or during the day of the shower. What I learned from this experience was that the people who you think will be there and help will be the ones who let you down. I take pride on knowing that way comes around come back around. I too had invited 125 guest that all RSVP and only 90 showed up. Even though I had a good turnout it was people that I was not that close to:( I hope the sting does go away. I really appreciate everyone’s posts, it is helping me get through this.

  23. LB Jun 05 at 3:56 pm Reply Reply

    I just had a baby two weeks ago, and we didn’t have any baby showers at all. My husband and I live almost 3 hours from our nearest relatives and across the country from many of our dear friends and close family. It didn’t surprise me that no one planned a shower… but I have thought about it (especially since the baby book I bought for our daughter has a page about “Parties held in my honor before I was born”). We’re financially stable and in our 30′s, and we were easily able to afford all of the baby essentials. In contrast, my older sister had her first child when she was barely 19- and I remember going to her shower when I was in 8th grade and she really needed to rely on the generosity of friends and family so that her son would have a crib, a car seat, etc. We are planning a party in about 6 weeks at our home so that people can come meet the baby- which I think will be far more fun than a baby shower.

  24. Danie Jun 15 at 6:01 am Reply Reply

    LB, we are doing the same thing.  We’re both active duty military stationed overseas and I haven’t made a ton of female friends that I feel close enough with to accept gifts from…we’re stable enough to have purchased everything we need :)  We will be having a BBQ after the little one comes, no gifts required.  
    Jimmy, your ideas were fantastic…I definitely agree if you invite the men you’ll get a better turn out.  Beer and BBQ (maybe cigars from daddy) will always get a good response, while the ladies oogle cute clothes and tell stories amongst themselves.  And the no wrap gift idea is nothing short of genius!!!!

  25. Madison Jul 01 at 5:19 am Reply Reply

    I understand completely how you feel and since this JUST happened to me yesterday and I came to the internet to seek some type of comfort or relief from those who have gone through it, i’m happy that I’m not the only one this has happened to. I sent out personal invites to 50 plus people, family and friends of my husband and I, invited husbands and kids, and reiterated on each invitation how excited I was to see everyone and hoped they could make it. I genuinely was excited to see those haven’t seen for along time. I spent about 350 dollars on the shower, getting nice gifts for the guests when they won games. (I had to throw my own baby shower, because my mom canceled on me last minute). My husband was great allowing me to allot money for a nice shower and he helped me with everything. 5 people showed up, I was mortified and hurt. By the end of the shower, after everyone left, I could not handle my emotions and almost a day later I can’t even process what happened. I feel hurt, betrayed and helpless. I feel that I don’t want to be nice to anyone because I obviously overestimate the extent of our relationships. Also, the gifts that people brought and the ones that just “dropped by” gifts but couldn’t hang out were things that weren’t off my registry. So though appreciated, now I have to go buy all the things I need. Except I can’t because I don’t have enough money right now after the baby shower. The lesson I learned from all this is to not throw parties, but rather celebrate occasions by using the money to go splurge on the event yourself. For example a trip for your wedding or baby items for your baby. I much would have rather bought cloth diapers and a swing for myself than a cookie cake and multiple 3 dollar table cloths that were never used. In this day and age etiquette for anything does not exist and people are lazy. If they can’t send a quick text to say whether or not they can show up then they don’t deserve a personalized invitation, with a purchased stamp, sent to them. In addition to my hurt and the “sting” most of you described, I am in disgust of many people that I thought I knew and really enjoyed. Eventually I’ll find a way to get over this and find a way to afford the things I need for my baby, but inevitably I will be very “cold” to these people when I eventually encounter them and if my baby happens to be on my arm at these encounters they will not get anytime with them. It’s not acceptable to ignore an invite to a celebration, no one is that “good” or “important” to just blatantly ignore an invite to an event. Shame on them.

  26. Jessica Sep 11 at 3:54 pm Reply Reply

    This same thing happened to me with my bridal shower. I invited lots of family and friends, no one but the three people hosting it, my MIL, and my 12 year old SIL showed up. I was fine with no one coming, but now I am terrified that the same thing will happen with my baby shower coming up soon. I almost feel like canceling it at this point to avoid the same thing happening again.

  27. Kelly Sep 26 at 3:35 pm Reply Reply

    All of these stories are so sad. I think there is nothing wrong at all with letting some of the no-show jerks KNOW that you’re upset at what happened. I think sometimes people really need to be told off and put in their place.

  28. Daniela Oct 13 at 3:17 pm Reply Reply

    Wow that is awesome, what the person said above my comment. I am feeling the same way to, I am glad I stumbled upon this, it makes me feel way better.

  29. Steff Dec 01 at 8:44 pm Reply Reply

    I had my baby shower yesterday, my two hostesses had 20 people RSVP and only 7, showed up and one person who didn’t RSVP but then showed up! ONLY ONE person called to cancel at the last minute. Of the other 12 three responded when I sent a text of hey missed you at the shower. All of the three knew ahead of time they couldn’t make it but STILL didn’t call with a I can’t make it. It is NOT about the gifts but the fact my hostesses spent money and favors for 20 people and then I had less than 50% show up! This is it for me out of the last three parties I have planned I had less than 50% RSVP people show. I won’t even mention the fact I planned the shower on a busy holiday weekend for two out of town people who could make this weekend didn’t RSVP or show up!

  30. Rose Apr 05 at 11:05 pm Reply Reply

    Just came back from a baby shower where my friend only had 3 guest, her mom, the one that hosted the party, and me. Sad that it seems like there is no real friends

  31. Jennifer Jun 04 at 9:20 pm Reply Reply

    I too had the same experience with my 1st child’s baby shower. I sent out over 80 invitations, invitations to some people who INVITED THEMSELVES and then only had about 15 people show up. Which was humiliating since I planned the baby shower myself and spend over $500 on the event and had my mom slave over TONS of food to accomodate all these ppl that were supposedly going to come. I even had all my games planned around having a lot of guests, AND procrastinated on playing them to wait for late arrivals… who never arrived at all. No one cancelled, just didn’t show up. Most humiliating thing ever and such a waste of money, I cried at my baby shower and i feel this way 3 years later. I now have a new baby on the way, and i’m concidering not having one or only inviting a small amount of highly dependable people. I feel your pain love.

  32. Beth Aug 29 at 10:14 pm Reply Reply

    I am so sorry you had a disappointing baby shower experience. I know the pains of fertility issues first hand, and I could NOT ever imagine not flying across the country to a friend’s baby shower after fertility issues if the situation presented itself. I hurt for you that your friends could not recognize the significance of the shower for you.

    Having said that, I am a mom who was never able to carry a baby to term (from my first marriage), but I have twins via stepparent adoption (from my second and final marriage–rare but true.) They have been in my & my husband’s sole care since they were 8 months old, and I was able to adopt them when they were 20 months old. I never had a baby shower. I had 48 hours warning that my fiancé (now husband) was getting emergency custody of them. We were married 10 days afterward. I never had the chance to tell people I was pregnant “for real” this time (because I wasn’t.) The adoption announcement was lost in the shuffle of everyday life happening and sees as old news to most. I now live in a neighborhood where women ask me all the time about my pregnancy with the twins (how much weight I gained, whether my pregnancy was “natural” or IVF, etc.) It is beyond heartbreaking and frankly a little silly at this point since my twins are now in kindergarten. I feel like a compete imposter and have avoided social gatherings due to the awkwardness. Most of my neighbors have no idea about the circumstances, so they mean no harm, but the pain is excruciating. My next door neighbor just had a baby shower for her 3rd child, and I sent my immediate regrets and a gift. I guess my point is that I hope you’re able to focus more on the people who were there for you than those who didn’t come and to realize that, although I personally would NEVER NOT RSVP, it could be that at least one of your friends has some hidden pain that they are grappling with that led to their standing you up. I can say that if you were my friend (a true friend and not just an acquaintance,) I would have thrown the shower for you to celebrate your gift of life despite my own struggles. If you were an acquaintance, you would have received immediate regrets along with the most practical gift on your list. Hugs and peace your way, as well as congratulations on your long-awaited baby. With love, Beth

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