advert

Special Needs, Yes Indeed: Find Your Family’s Tribe

Aug06

by

Because I work out of my home, and because many of my non-work activities hinge on my kids’ needs, for better or for worse, a large number of potential adult friends in my life come via my children’s friends. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn’t. There’s acquaintance-friends I know through my daughter’s school or my son’s homeschooling group, there’s quick-pretend-to-be-on-the-phone folks I maybe try to avoid encountering at some activity or another, and then there’s the happy accidents of warm, wonderful humans I never would have met if not for my children’s friendships with their children.

My daughter has a friend, for example, whose mother did a lot of virtual hand-holding with me last year when my daughter was hospitalized. We’d been friendly prior to that, but during the rough times she was always there, checking in, asking how things were, and if they could do anything to help. This woman also coached (I assume) her daughter in appropriate empathy to the situation (which was not a given amongst her friends), and she will forever have a special place in my heart for caring for our family through a difficult time. She’s a wonderful woman and I’m grateful to have her in my life.

My son’s best friend is the middle child in a family of three boys, ages 12-15, all with special needs. This is probably enough to nominate their parents for sainthood right off the bat—I cannot think of another family I know meeting so many challenges with continual grace and humor and love—but both parents have become good friends to us over the years, and we joke about my son having become their fourth kid (whether they want him or not). When we were spending so much time last year going back and forth to the out-of-town hospital where my daughter was, my son practically lived at their house, and most of the time when we returned to get him, he didn’t want to leave.

This past weekend we four parents took our four boys camping, together, on our first joint trip. My husband joked that for the first time we’d enabled a man-to-man defense rather than a zone one, as it’s much more common for three or four of the boys to be at one house or the other. I’m not going to lie, it was loud. Awesome, but loud. My son sometimes refers to himself and two of the three brothers as the “Three Aspie-teers,” which always makes me laugh. (Inside joke: What’s better than one Aspie? Answer: Your answer is invalid. Why is it so loud in here? Please pass the Excedrin.) All four boys have certain… quirks and foibles, let’s say… and in addition to their general rambunctiousness and persnicketiness, it was fascinating to watch them work out their individual needs while grouped together in a small space for an extended time period.

While there are other adults in all of our boys’ lives who tolerate and/or care about them, one afternoon as we watched them creating some elaborate game together, the other mom and I were marveling about the comfort and ease in having another set of parents who get them. It’s reassuring for us adults, of course, because we want that acceptance for our all our kids (maybe especially our “different” ones), but I believe the effect on the boys themselves is amazing, too. My son is more himself with this other family than I see him in any other setting. He’s less anxious and happier. He views his friends’ parents as a second set of parents rather than adults who might not understand him. Our friends’ boys seem to have a similar acceptance with us. I never have to explain that my son might freak out over some small injustice and require a cool-down period and we do our best to remember that one of their sons eats fruits but not veggies and the other does veggies but not fruits. No explanations were needed for the frequent juxtapositions between overly-adult moments of behavior and ones where they behaved like much younger children. The boys were all themselves, no apologies needed.

The last night we camped, as the sun set, we moms plunked ourselves down on the ground to play Pig Pile with three of the boys. (If you’ve never played this one, it’s basically an Uno-like card game, slightly more complicated, but pig-themed and where each hand you stand to win some little plastic pigs as a method of keeping score.) Game play was fast and furious, by which I mean that there was much whooping and hollering and I kept forgetting the rules and the boys kept laughing at me. At one point my son curled up next to me and put his head in my lap. Although still a little small for his age, he’s well on his way to 14, and a little large (and “too old” by society’s standards) for this maneuver. “Are you trying to get back into the womb?” I joked, ruffling his hair.

“Yes!” he responded, delighted, curling himself up even tighter, and head-butting my stomach. Ow. His friends shrieked with laughter. The other mom and I exchanged giggles and head-shakes. What would’ve been weird and “inappropriate” in another setting was simply business as usual for us with our boys. No judgment, either of my kid or my parenting. This is just the way life goes with this group, and we’re all okay with it.

“Whatever, Fetus-Boy,” I told him. “Your turn.” I called him Fetus-Boy for the rest of the game. Every time I did, all three boys burst out laughing.

Once I ended up with a small pile of plastic pigs (beginner’s luck!), I started rearranging them in various ways to try to amuse the boys. “Look,” I said, stacking them up, “it’s a power! That’s a tower, but with pigs.” Later: “It’s a pircle! That’s a circle, but with pigs.” And: “It’s a pigtangle! That’s—”

“Okay, okay, we get it!” said the boys, laughing. “A rectangle but with pigs!” (For some reason my friend suggested I stop after I arranged them in a semi-stacked horde and suggested that I’d created a porgy….)

When it was time to part ways, the brothers begged us to let my son go home with them. We had things to do here at home so we declined, but promised to get together again soon. And we will. I love that my son has these boys as his friends, and I love even more that he brought their parents to us to be our friends, too. Sometimes the universe really does just present you with the people you need in your life. Lucky us!

About the author

Mir Kamin

http://wouldashoulda.com/
Mir Kamin began writing about her life online nearly a decade ago, back when she was a divorced mom trying to raise two regular little kids and figure out what she wanted to be when she grew up. Now her life looks very different than it did back then: Those little kids turned into anything-but-regular teenagers, she is remarried, and somehow she's become one of those people who talks to her dog in a high-pitched baby voice. Along the way she's continued chronicling the everyday at Woulda Coulda Shoulda, plus she's bringing you daily bargain therapy at Want Not. The good news is that Mir grew up and became a writer and she still really likes hanging out with her kids; the bad news is that her hair is a lot grayer than it used to be.


Subscribe to posts by Mir Kamin

9 Responses to “Special Needs, Yes Indeed: Find Your Family’s Tribe”

  1. Chuck Aug 06 at 4:02 pm Reply Reply

    Porgy is my new favorite made up word.

  2. Jen Aug 06 at 4:22 pm Reply Reply

    I really hope someday to have similar friends for my son and our family. Having others who “get it” is more valuable than anything some days.

  3. Debra Aug 06 at 5:47 pm Reply Reply

    Having another family that ‘gets’ your family makes life so much more enjoyable. This can be another single parent family, a newly blended family, another family with quirky kids, whatever. Great for the kids, great for the parents.

    • Mir Kamin
      Mir Kamin Aug 06 at 6:11 pm Reply Reply

      Absolutely! And there are plenty of folks who I feel care for my son even if they don’t always quite “get” him, but the easy back and forth with no apologies necessary on either side is just really lovely all around.

  4. Wendy E Aug 06 at 8:52 pm Reply Reply

    When my daughter was in preschool (she is now a senior) she met a little girl who lived up the road. Said little girl had a sister one year younger and a brother two years older. Fast forward 12 years. The girls are still friends, their mother became my best friend, and the kids are considered my adopted kids.

  5. Celeste Aug 08 at 9:47 am Reply Reply

    Years ago, when my boy was in about 3rd grade, he became friends with two boys in our neighborhood. I became friends with their moms. Scroll forward to now… the boys have gone in different directions. They have different friends. But the moms and I are still close friends. One day I mentioned that I felt badly that the boys were no longer close, but one of the moms made me feel completely better when she said, “But that’s a natural part of life. It has nothing to do with our friendship.”

  6. Angie Mar 30 at 12:00 am Reply Reply

    I would love to find friends and families like that for my kids!!!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. It’s just like that song | Woulda Coulda Shoulda - Aug 06

    [...] the meantime, I just went over to Alpha Mom and wrote about the little joys in hanging out with our special needs tribe, because it was really fantastic. (Also: really, really loud. Boys! So many boys.) Come on over and [...]

Follow us on Google+

Close