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The Digital Footprint Your Kids Leave Behind

Oct03

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Last night I was on Twitter when I noticed that there was a topic trending “helpfindkara.” Ordinarily I don’t click on trending topics, but I had nothing really going on so I clicked to see who was “kara” and why was she lost.

After reading a few tweets, and reading where those tweets led, I realized it was about a teenage girl who tweeted there is someone in my house, call 911.  Then she disappeared and had not been heard from since. As I am typing this right now, the news outlets are reporting that it was a hoax and she apparently has tweeted that and actually ran away from home. Why anyone would do that is beyond my comprehension, but that seems to be the story. There are photos of her from a bus station where she is seen alone with packed bags. I thought the whole point of running away was that you didn’t want people to find you, tweeting what she did seems to assure that there would be boatloads of people searching for her. But, what do I know.

What interested me as this whole ordeal unfolded, was the fact that other teenagers, or so they mostly appeared to be, read through the girl’s Twitter account and one after another they declared her as mean, rude, and that they should all “helpfindkara” some manners. And this was all before it was revealed to be a hoax.

It got me thinking about the digital footprint we leave behind, all of us. But for our teenagers, many of whom do not seem to grasp the concept of long-term consequences, it is an especially important topic. What you put out there on the Internet, lives there forever. Even if you delete things, they are still out there, floating around in the Internet ether. There could have been a screenshot of that regretful photo. Things you wish you had never said are forwarded on and become viral. The Internet is not an anonymous faceless place anymore. I’m not sure that it ever was, but at least the illusion was there years ago.

I had a wake up call a few years back when one someone was able to cross- reference photos I posted on my personal blog with posts I had written over the years and use that information to find my exact address and my children’s last name. Not only was that creepy, but it seems like that stranger was really emotionally-over-invested in me and family.

Last week a friend shared something that happened in her teen son’s social circle and it really made me pause. She was approached by Ann, the parent of one of her teenage son’s friends with screenshots of her own son’s Facebook account. My friend’s son rarely uses Facebook so what he writes shows up only occasionally in her or her husband’s feed and they often miss what he posts. When she and her husband looked through his account later in the day, they noticed that over the past 6 months he had a couple innocent photos… sitting in class with friends, one of him and his girlfriend, etc. He had three status Facebook posts. One tagged his girlfriend and said “If you were a drug, I’d be addicted to you.” The second said “The worst test to fail is a drug test.” In the comments of that one he had clarified that he wasn’t talking about himself at all, since he has never even taken a drug test, but a “friend.” The third simply said “Legalize” and half of his one trillion friends had “liked” it.

Ann, the concerned parent, was checking up on her own teenager’s friends and she had read those three Facebook status updates in succession on his page and thought my friend and all the other parents whose kids had “Liked” those Facebook updates would want to know that their teenager was into drugs. Look at the evidence, Ann implored, it is right there under your nose and you are missing it! But, is what is online always the truth?

My friend and the other parents thanked Ann profusely for bringing it to their attention, and while they know that their teenager is not into drugs in the real world, they were shaken by it. There is no back-when-I-was-your-age frame of reference for this. When we were kids, we would say stupid things to our friends or perhaps write them in a note that was passed in class. But things are different now, the stakes are higher. Our kids type out a hasty status update or a tweet and it is there, and searchable, for as long as someone wants to search for it. I am not sure we really know the long term implications of this. I always say that raising teenagers is about protecting them from themselves, but now that has shifted in recent years, to protecting their future-selves from their teenage-selves.

What if it had been my kid? What would I have thought if those statuses had scrolled by me on my Facebook page, months apart? Had I seen the post on his Facebook account, the one that simply said “Legalize,” I think I would have made him take it down. I am all for erring on the side of caution and his future career prospects. I’d really like for my children to move out one day and be well-educated and gainfully employed. The other two Facebook posts did not bother me in the least, but maybe they should have. I really don’t know the answer.

When viewed in succession it does seem to suggest a pattern and it’s definitely not a pattern I would want to be associated with my kid.

Last night, I watched over and over people on Twitter point out that Kara from “helpfindkara” was not a very nice girl. They pointed to her tweets as evidence of that. What does my twitter feed say about me, I wondered. I looked over my last tweets, they are mostly me complaining. I don’t even really recognize that voice. That is not how I see myself on a daily basis, but yet, there it is in writing for everyone to see. If I were to disappear and people had only those tweets to get to know me, what would it say about me? That my appliances break way too often, I hate exercise, I love vodka and shoes, and my children’s homework makes me homicidal. Is that the message I want to send? While all of those things are more or less true, they do not accurately portray me. If I disappeared would people say I was an out-of-shape, materialistic drunk with anger issues?

That is pretty much what I saw happen with the Kara story.

It would be nice if, when our kids turned 18, everything they had ever typed online disappeared as though it were written in invisible ink. Someone should get on that.

 

******

Speaking of parenting (like that segue?), we have chosen the first book in our parenting book club.  I am so excited to read The 5 Love Languages of Children with everyone.  It has been a very long time since I first read it and it truly changed the way I thought about parenting and my relationships with my children.  I can’t wait to reread it and see what I take away this time, as well as hear what everyone else thinks.

 

 

About the author

Chris Jordan

http://notesfromthetrenches.com
Chris Jordan began blogging at Notes From the Trenches in 2004 where she writes about her life raising her children in Austin, Texas.

Oh, she has seven of them. Yes, children.

Yes, they are all hers.

No she's not Catholic or Mormon. Though she wouldn’t mind having a sister-wife because holy hell the laundry never stops.

Yes, she finally figured out what causes it. That's why her youngest is almost 6.

Yes, she has a television.

She enjoys referring to herself in the third person.

If you would like to submit a question for Chris to answer publicly, please do so to adviceforparentsoftweens[at]gmail[dot]com.


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7 Responses to “The Digital Footprint Your Kids Leave Behind”

  1. MR Oct 04 at 12:18 pm Reply Reply

    Chris, your columns are always spot on! The digital footprint is a big concern for me as well. My kids are still little, but I post things they have done on FB frequently for our families. I try to be very conscious of what I post about them, and the WAY I write it. Every few months, I go back and copy all of my posts about each of them into a Word file that will one day be part of their baby books. I end up rereading what I wrote, and it is a reminder to me to always try to post nice things. I would be absolutely horrified if my child ever found a post by me written in a nasty way about them, so I am committed to never creating such a post to begin with.

    In regards to the book club, I already devoured the 5 love languages of children (can’t wait to talk about it!), and it prompted me to get the version for couples. Seriously, I read the whole thing with the thought “OMG, this is us to a T!!!” My dh and I have been have had a super rough year (new baby, way too many health issues, and loss all in one fun filled year) and have come to the brink of separation too many times. We have both genuinely been trying, but it hasn’t quite been working right. Now, I know why! It gives me hope again. I can’t thank you enough for including the 5 love languages of children in your list for the book club! Just another reason I am so grateful for having stumbled along alphamom a while back. The advice and insights are always valuable. Thank you!

  2. Fairly Odd Mother Oct 04 at 10:36 pm Reply Reply

    Not 18. 25. I shudder to think what my digital footprint would look like had I had access to Facebook and Twitter in college and my young 20’s. 

    My kids aren’t on social media (yet) but I’ve already started to talk to them about the “trail” they leave behind. Strange days ahead I’m sure.

  3. s Oct 06 at 7:28 am Reply Reply

    very good topic – and not just for kids.  Some of the FB statuses I see are just awful – parents spewing hurtful comments for the world to see  – I’ve posed this to more than one person – how would you feel if your kid posted a similar comment involving you – would you make them take it down or remove privileges?” – it makes me pause myself when I want to post some flippant remark about my kids or my husband – it might get a laugh and some likes, but what damage will it inflict, even though it was a “harmless” complaint?  Those harmless complaints are often the things that build up and topple a marriage or a relationship.  So I think we’d all do well to heed our digital footprint.  And I like the invisible ink at 18 idea!

  4. Sharon Oct 11 at 8:58 pm Reply Reply

    Your should keep writing posts about digital issues and kids. My kids are just entering this stage and I really don’t have past experience to rely on in when it comes to my kids and the Internet.  There really is no “back in my day” to reference in this area. 

  5. Sharon m. Oct 12 at 1:50 am Reply Reply

    You are right on target with digital footprints that we all leave. I have done a google search on my own name, as well as my kids, and there is a lot to be found out there. My kids are grown, 25 -32, so they weren’t online as teenagers. I think parents have a tough job these days keeping kids from jeopardizing their futures. I love reading your writing, and I think that it was pretty creepy that a reader tried and succeeded to track you and your family down. I’m glad that you have continued to write. I’m looking forward to reading The Five Love Languages of Children.

  6. Liz Oct 23 at 6:08 pm Reply Reply

    We finally had a talk with the kids about what you do/don’t put on the Internet– and they don’t even use the ‘net yet.

    BUT. That being said– I had things that were said on the ‘net come back to bite me in the butt in such a major way. We told the kids what happened. We explained how it could happen to them. And even now, before they are on the ‘net, we’re letting them know how things that are put out there remain forever.

  7. Amanda Oct 24 at 5:54 am Reply Reply

    I think your topic is spot on. Lately in the UK there have been news reports about authorities cracking down on ‘troll’ posts. Usually a younger person, posts something on Twitter to a celebrity or a charity group that is hurtful and are surprised when they get a rude-awakening from the cops – then they apologise and say they didn’t mean what they posted. 

    It all comes back to your digital foot print though, more of us need to think before we type.

    Thanks for the great article!

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