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Death to Poochy

By Amalah

Dear She Who Rocks Most:

Maybe you can help me out with a little beauty dilemma I’m experiencing. I had a baby back in July. I weighed a little (okay, a lot) more than I would have liked before I got pregnant. However, I didn’t really gain much (read: anything) while I was pregnant so that was a bonus. In the months since my son was born, I’ve lost a lot of weight. Which is YAY fantastic! Even though I suffer the common mommy illness of not being able to spend any money on myself, I did purchase a pair of jeans for myself that are two sizes down from what I used to wear. And even THOSE are a little large on me right now.

I know this all sounds pretty great and there’s no problem to be seen, but believe me, there is. I look great and everyone remarks on how great I look. And then I sit down. Now, the jeans I wear are of the lower-rise variety and I really do like that style a lot better than the old high-waisted mommy-jean look. But when I sit, all that extra skin and CRUD just tends to pile up and pour over and UGH. If I’m wearing a halfway fitted shirt, it looks even WORSE.

So my question is this: What can I do to make my figure look just as good sitting down as it does standing up? I need serious help so any bones you can throw me here would be GREATLY appreciated!

Many, many, many thanks!
CallistaWolf

Ahhh, the pooch. The joey pouch. The belly button love handle. I know it all too well.

I’ve yet to find the One! Big! All-Purpose! secret to postpartum dressing, because apparently no one has invented the miracle pooch-reducing shirt yet. (Well, okay, they did invent the girdle but GIRLPLEASE.) But here are a couple tips:

1) Looooong shirts. Wear shirts that are long enough to completely cover the waistband of your jeans by at least several inches even when standing up. When you sit down. all that extra fabric around your middle will provide a very nice camouflage. Luckily, these are super in style right now and easy to find. Please do not ask me this question again next season in case of a return of the belly shirt. Because then my advice will be simply to not leave the house. Ever.

2) Layers! I don’t think I go anywhere these days without wearing at least two shirts. I wear a long tank or tee under everything, usually in white or black or some other neutral color. Again, long tanks are readily available these days, but a nice cheap option (especially if your torso is on the long side, like mine) is to buy a pack of men’s white undershirts. Wife-beater style. These will be just about hip-length and are perfect for wearing under those shorter shirts that you find yourself constantly yanking down. Plus, MORE extra fabric to camouflage the pooch. Even if people notice a little bulge when you sit down (which: they probably won’t, because when was the last time you paid that much attention to another person’s midsection?), they’ll probably just assume it’s your shirt(s).

3) The Waistband Tuck. Disgusting but true. Right after sitting down, I suuuuuck in my gut. Then I ever-so-casually slide my hand down my front, as if I’m just smoothing my shirt(s) down. But I’m actually pushing the pooch down into the waistband of my pants. This is an ESSENTIAL move when you’re wearing fitted tops (and especially button-downs where you might otherwise get the dreaded button-gap around your middle). And with enough practice, no one will know what you’re really doing.

Unless you announce it to the Internet. D’oh.

Amalah
About the Author

Amy Corbett Storch

Amalah

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Ama...

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Amalah. Also, it’s pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

If there is a question you would like answered on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to amyadvice@gmail.com.

Amy also documented her second pregnancy (with Ezra) in our wildly popular Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to rising first-grader Noah, preschooler Ezra, and toddler Ike.

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