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Child of Mine: When Your Parents Disagree With Your Parenting

By Amalah

Hi Amy,

I know this isn’t the usual kind of question you answer on the advice smackdown, but I thought you & the other parents might have some helpful words of advice for me.

My husband & I are just starting to think about trying for our first baby. As someone who spent the greater part of her life being freaked straight out by the prospect of pregnancy & parenthood, this has sometimes been a little scary for me, what with the wonky body changes, having to think about things like day care and college funds, and the fateful day I learned what an episiotomy is (good LORD, why don’t they teach us this stuff in sex ed? I bet the teen pregnancy rate would plummet). Anyway, the thing that scares me the most is this: telling my parents that I will not be baptizing this baby.

My parents are pretty hard-core Catholics, and raised me to be the same, but it never really took with me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt at-odds with the Catholic faith, and later on, religion in general. A few years back, my parents and I had a huge blow-out when they discovered I had not been attending church. It was pretty intense – they told me that I was disgracing the family and was destined for hell. It’s now common knowledge that I don’t go to church, but it’s definitely a sore subject that we dance around from time to time. What they don’t know is that – since that monumental argument 3 years ago – I have completely cut my ties with the Catholic church, and I can’t see myself ever going back. I don’t really see the point in telling them, since all it will do is get everyone upset and dredge up a subject I really never want to discuss again.

So, we’re not going to be baptizing our baby. My parents don’t know this. How in the world do I break it to them? I know it’s not going to be pretty, but I need some advice here…even if it’s just knowing that someone else went through the same thing and came out on the other side OK. I really want to get rid of this feeling of dread I have hanging over me about this…this is supposed to be a happy time, dammit!

Thanks in advance for any advice you & your readers can give.
G

(Why? Why? Four million questions about bangs and blackheads, and I am inexplicably drawn to the one question I really have no easy answer for.)

We didn’t baptize Noah, either. However, for Protestants, baptism (especially infant baptism) doesn’t really carry the same weight. Noah can always choose to get baptized later in life, and possibly our parents comfort themselves with this idea. Plus, we usually dance around our real reasons (that we simply feel no need for organized religion in our lives) and blame the fact that we simply haven’t found a “church home” yet. We omit the part that we aren’t really even looking, but what can I say? We’re WASPs, and are exceedingly good at ignoring problems to the point that they don’t exist — anything to avoid that dreaded and undignified confrontation.

So I don’t have first-hand experience with Catholics and lapsed Catholics and the inevitable tug-of-war over the baby’s soul. I get the sense it’s probably a lot tougher.

But here’s the big picture: Almost every parent eventually faces a dilemma like this. No matter how great your relationship with your parents is, sooner or later you end up doing things differently than they think you should. And you have to put your foot down, because your child is yours, not theirs. And so are your parenting decisions. Mom, we’ve decided not to spank Sara and we need you to respect that. Dad, Billy goes to an international school and we’d appreciate it if you not talk about the damn dirty immigrants at the dinner table.

My mother-in-law strongly disagrees with how we feed Noah (she’s a raw-food vegan), and every time they visit she moves his Harry Potter books out of his room. She really wishes we took him to church, and believes that his speech delay is the result of demonic forces trying to silence his prophetic voice. She is also a wonderfully warm and loving grandmother and Noah adores her.

So we’ve had to think long and hard about what we’re willing to compromise over. If she wants to feed Noah wheat grass juice and dehydrated zucchini while she visits, that’s fine. I’m not hiding the Kraft macaroni and cheese, but hey, she’s getting him to eat vegetables. Score. And then after they leave, I go upstairs and quietly move the Harry Potter books back into Noah’s room. Whatever.

But we have made it clear that there is to be no demon talk around Noah. His relationship with religion is really important to us — mostly because we want it to be very different from what we grew up with — and therefore any Bible storybooks they bring need to be pre-approved by us and deemed child- and damn-dirty-liberal-appropriate.

Anyway. I’ve lost my grip on this question, and I’m sorry I don’t have a simple-three-step skincare line that will satisfy the Catholic requirements for salvation.

In the meantime, try to let this fear go. You aren’t even pregnant yet, and if you sit around and map out every hypothetical problem that could happen to your hypothetical child, you will lose your ever-loving mind. Do you know other former Catholics who have children and have dealt with the family fall-out? Talk to them. Ask questions. Consider any and all compromises you might be willing to make. (Baptism at a more progressive parish? Unitarianism?) If there are none, then stand firm. Consider coming clean about the extent of your break with the church now, so it won’t be such a shock to your family when the baptism talk starts up.

Amalah
About the Author

Amy Corbett Storch

Amalah

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Ama...

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Amalah. Also, it’s pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

If there is a question you would like answered on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to [email protected].

Amy also documented her second pregnancy (with Ezra) in our wildly popular Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to rising first-grader Noah, preschooler Ezra, and toddler Ike.

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Alice_R
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Alice_R

Timely post… I’m not yet pregnant but will be trying soon, and am starting to think about things like this, because my mom is pretty much anti- everything I believe in. I know I’m going to have the same problem regarding baptism, but she’s not Catholic, so like Amy said, it’s not exactly the same… I actually *just* got into a major argument with her last weekend regarding the choices I plan to make regarding prenatal care and delivery. She has been an RN in the NICU for 25 years and very much subscribes to the whole medicalized OB by-the-book… Read more »

ethansmomma
Guest
ethansmomma

I understand the fear of conflict between your views and your parents. I faced similiar fears when talking with my mom about breastfeeding and homeschool vs public school. You have to make your own decisions on what is best for your family and hope your parent’s will understand. I was raised Baptist and my husband was raised Catholic but as teenagers we both rejected our respective religions chosen by our parents. We are now very happy at a non-denominational church which I think of as bare bones Christianity without all the trappings of organized religious rituals. However, we did choose… Read more »

Alice_R
Guest
Alice_R

ethansmomma, regarding your statement about having a ‘hard time believing that anyone who was raised in a church would later choose to abandon all religious beliefs’ – unfortunately, if a child is raised in the *wrong* church – or simply a really oppressive religious environment – there’s certainly a good change that they WILL indeed abandon religious beliefs or at least will not want to have anything to do with any kind of church, non-denominational or not. I’m speaking from personal experience. My husband and I have no desire whatsoever to attend church or participate in anything relating to organized… Read more »

robin m
Guest
robin m

At my wedding (since been divorced, thanks) my great uncle who never met my then-husband before came up to us and said, “Promise your old uncle (insert name) that you’ll put your kids in Sunday School.” It was horrifying. I hadn’t talked to him in years and he was guilt tripping me based on the fact that he didn’t have long to go but basically he wouldn’t rest in peace if my ex and I weren’t putting our kids in Sunday School. I have to agree with what Amy said above, though. You have to try to choose your battles.… Read more »

Danielle
Guest
Danielle

This is coming from a non practicing Catholic who baptized her children but has chosen not to continue with sacraments. I totally agree with letting the fear go for now. I think your parents already know you will not be baptizing your children Catholic. Perhaps a part of why the blow up was so big was they not only “feared” for you but for your future children. You absolutely have the right to make the choice and they have the choice to accept you as you are or not.

HaLaura
Guest
HaLaura

Perfect timing! I’m 15 weeks pregnant and a lapsed Catholic facing the exact same situation. In fact, it was one of the first questions mother asked me, “Will you baptizing your child?” The short answer was no, absolutely not, no way, not a chance. The response I gave her, though, was that husband and I need to “talk about it”. After a few weeks of thought on the topic, I’ve realized that I’m not against having the child baptized, I’m just against letting the kid-o be raised the way I was, with 13 years of Catholic schooling and a terrible… Read more »

jive turkey
Guest

Hi – I’m the one who submitted this fluffy little question (and I promise to ask one about blackheads next time). Thanks to Amy & everyone else for your advice. It really, really helps. I know I’m stressing over a completely hypothetical situation (one of my many charms), but this conflict between me & my parents is on my mind a lot. I didn’t go into the various & sundry reasons why I have distanced myself from religion/Catholicism, but rest assured they’re pretty strong ones. I definitely don’t see myself taking to organized religion anytime soon – which is why… Read more »

jamimess
Guest
jamimess

Just to throw my two Jewish cents in… About 7 years ago, before I even started to think about having kids, we were at a friend’s son’s bris (circumcision ceremony, typically held on the 8th day of the baby’s life), and my mom asked if we’d have a bris if and when we had a son, assuming we’d say yes. Never having thought about it before, I said I wasn’t sure we would… we’d definitely circumcise any sons and have some kind of naming ceremony (official introduction to Judaism). Well, imagine her horror; you’d’ve thought I committed atrocities. It led… Read more »

heels
Guest

There are these times in our lives when we have to turn to our parents and declare that we really are our own people with our own ideas and ways of doing things and not *just* their children. In my experience, they come more often once we have children of our own who, if we raise them right, will one day turn to us and tell us to mind our own effin’ business about some things. As lovingly as possibly, I’m sure. But this will be your child and, for better or worse, your decision. AND this will be their… Read more »

appelsauce
Guest
appelsauce

Amy is absolutely right. Something like this is bound to come up in every new parent’s life. When I decided to tell my parents I was pregnant, I immediately had to put my foot down on two things: no, it didn’t mean I was getting married, and no, I don’t want you guys in the delivery room. It was quite hard because I had to argue with them about both points before they even congratulated me! They were a little upset at first, but it blew over more quickly than I had thought it would, and soon they were as… Read more »

annemie
Guest
annemie

I apologize for the following long response… it’s kind of a long story: I’m a non-practicing Catholic married to a non-practicing Jew and when we got pregnant, I told my husband that it was up to him to make the decision regarding circumcision, bris, etc. However, at four months along, I started a nursing job on a postpartum unit where I was assisting with circumcision all the time. Couple that with pregnancy hormones, and I was wishing I could take back my offer. I didn’t, but I can’t say I didn’t exert some pressure along the way. We didn’t find… Read more »

Mary
Guest

What you need to remember is that your parents, and their parents before them, were probably taught that they were going to hell if you don’t go to church, baptize your children, etc. Nothing like a little pressure there. The commenters here are right, you need to put your foot down. My husband and I aren’t particularly religious, but we baptized the kids to avoid conflict. Now my mom is all over my case because they go to public school instead of Catholic school. My brother never baptized his kids at all, and she’s all over him about that. You’re… Read more »

chiquita
Guest
chiquita

two words: united front. You and your husband need to determine your boundaries and ground rules and be strong about them. each partner should lay down the law to his/her own parents.

Kourtney_R
Guest
Kourtney_R

I have a very devout Catholic mother-in-law, & a very devout Jehovah’s Witness grandmother. (The rest of the family sort of happily falls into “pagan”.) My baby’s education has been a subject of conversation, to say the least. If it comes up in conversation, I make it very, very clear that we are not baptising our girl because we want her to be able to choose her own religion & beliefs for herself. I follow that up with saying that I belive that a choice made as a consenting adult will mean that much more to her. The reality (that… Read more »

Colleen
Guest

Catholics generally believe that you NEED to baptize a baby to erase Original Sin and be allowed in Heaven. Some Protestants just see it as a promise to God to raise the child along the Straight and Narrow (so essentially a baby dedication with water, usually to diffuse the Catholics lurking about screeching “water!…where’s the holy water!”). And some Protestants don’t believe (as Amy mentioned) in infant/childhood baptism at all–that only older children (generally around 12 and up) and adults can decide how they will behave and if they want to dedicate themselves to a life in Christ. Also…you may… Read more »

qwyneth
Guest

Good luck in your struggles with your parents! As a “recovering” Catholic I’ve been through my share of battles with my family. My father definitely told me I was going to Hell when I began attending an Episcopalian church as a teenager. While I know I’ll struggle with this all again when we have kids, it has gotten better over the years. (There is hope for you!) I want to reiterate what Mary said above: your family may take it out of your hands and baptize your children without your knowledge. The church officially left Limbo behind, but obviously a… Read more »

Harper
Guest
Harper

I appreciate reading all of these different perspectives on this issue! I went through a similar thing with my family and ended up baptizing my son when he was 18 months old. I’m still not sure whether it was the right decision or not, my feelings on this issue tend to be kind of complicated. But it’s so reassuring to know I’m not the only one conflicted on the issue. The reason I’m posting is to clear up an issue for the Catholics on the board – I’m pretty sure that recently the Church has abandoned the idea of “limbo”… Read more »