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Witty Mom Comebacks for Dumb Questions by Kelcey Kintner and Wendi Aarons for Alphamom.com

Don’t Call It A Comeback (Unless You’re a Mom, Then You Can)

By Kelcey & Wendi

We’ve all had it happen to us. There you are, enjoying a lovely day at the park with your kids when wham! someone blindsides you with an unsolicited comment that sounds nice, but really isn’t. Of course you think of the perfect comeback, but it’s usually hours later when it totally doesn’t count. That’s why we’re giving you this handy dandy cheat sheet with the perfect things to reply when you find yourself on the receiving end of a mom slam. Use them wisely and use them often.

Dumb Questions &
Unsolicited Comments

Witty Comebacks

 

Pregnancy

Q: I listened to classical music my entire pregnancy as a way to soothe and calm my baby.
A: That’s great. When I was pregnant, my baby got to hear me yelling at my other kids.
 

Postpartum

Q: Are you doing anything to get your body back after baby? A: I sure am! I switched to light beer and reduced fat Doritos.
 

Baby

Q: You’re using disposable diapers?! You know that diapers are one of the most common items in landfills. A: Uh… yes. But I also know that if I don’t use disposable diapers, I will fill a landfill with Hershey wrappers because of all my stress eating.
Q: My baby was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks! A: That’s amazing. My baby learned how to find the square root of Pi at 6 weeks!
Q: I puree all my baby’s food. A: I kind of do that, too. Like when I bite a grape in half in my own mouth before I feed it to my baby.
 

Raising Kids

Q: I would never let my child watch TV before the age of 2. A: It was important to our family that our toddler develop a healthy respect for television from a very early age.
Q: My toddler is already enrolled in Mandarin, Basketweaving and Pre-Algebra. What do you do to stimulate your child? A: He’s taking some free classes at our house called “Playing with Tupperware,” “Throwing Things in the Toilet,” and “Destroying the House.”
Q: My preschool child is already reading! Is yours? A: No. But he did recently learn how to say, “What’s up, chicken butt” and we are tremendously proud.
Q: I never buy plastic toys or ones that light up or make noises. I want my toddler to use her creative mind. A: Honestly, anything that keeps my kid from disassembling my home is A-OK by me.
Q: Ugh, it’s not always easy having a gifted child. A: I’m sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your nerd.
Q: We’re sending our child to private school because we care about his education. A: We’re sending our child to public school because we care about paying our mortgage.
Q: I can’t believe you let your son play violent video games. A: How else is he going to learn how to use a machete?
Q: What sports does your child do? They need to get involved in competitive sports from an early age. A: My kid’s main sport seems to be “How much complaining can I do today?” He definitely has the competitive edge.
 

Surviving Motherhood

Q: Congratulations! I see you’re pregnant again! A: Nope. That’s just fat from the last baby. It keeps me warm at night.
Q: You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you volunteer at school. A: I totally wish I could, but it’s not allowed by my parole officer.

 

We hope this helps you navigate the rude comment waters and hold your own with the snarky things that come your way. And if you have any go-to comebacks that you’ve used, please share them with us! We promise to put them to good use.

Published January 26, 2018. Last updated January 30, 2018.
Kelcey & Wendi
About the Author

Kelcey & Wendi

This post was jointly written by Kelcey Kintner & Wendi Aarons.

Kelcey Kintner, a Florida-based mother of five, writes the humor blog,

This post was jointly written by Kelcey Kintner & Wendi Aarons.

Kelcey Kintner, a Florida-based mother of five, writes the humor blog, The Mama Bird Diaries. Wendi Aarons is an award-winning humor writer and blogger who lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and two sons. You can usually find her at Wendi Aarons. Kelcey & Wendi are also co-founders of the cheeky advice site, The Mouthy Housewives. They are also individual contributors to Alpha Mom.

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