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Fare thee well, 2006.

By Alice Bradley

Well, it’s been another year. Didn’t it feel year-ish? As if we’ve come full circle? Call me crazy, but right now it feels like something old is ending, and something new is just about to begin.
We all know what the end of the year means: it means that pundits everywhere are holding forth on what happened in the last year. As if you don’t already know. As if the memories were scrubbed clean from your minds sometime during Christmas. Well, I’m going to do the same thing, and Mrs. Kennedy, also known as Eden, better known as the author of Fussy, is going to help me. Onward!
Favorite news story of 2006
Python Eats Pregnant Sheep!
While a snake eating a larger animal than itself is indeed a glorious event, my favorite news item still has to be Delta’s breastfeeding debacle. But this is only because I never believed that so many people would take my post about it literally and write me long, vitriolic, typo-strewn emails. BRESTFEDING WOMEN ARE NOT DISCUSTING YOU HORIBLE PERSON!! YOU’RE MOTHER PROBABLY BOTLE-FED YU!! Each new email thrilled me just a little bit more. Oh, thank you!
Most panic-inducing news story of 2006
Elephants deliberately killing people “with the ceremonious flash and precision of gladiators.” The chronic stress of shrinking habitats and the aftermath of poaching appears to be bringing on a total collapse of elephant societies all over the globe. What people could do about it, of course, is to quit poaching and leave all the elephant habitats alone and, oh, eliminate poverty, war, and disease.
All ocean life will disappear in a little over forty years. Not only will this mean no more delicious seafood, but it will also mean, in the words of this article, “apocalypse.” You don’t say! More shrimp, please!
Worst song of 2006
Anything on a KidzBop CD.
I was going to say that song by Fergie, but then I imagined “London Bridge” produced by the Satan-worshipers who created Kidzbop, and my brain liquefied and streamed out of my nostrils. I bet it’s being recorded right now. Chipper ten-year-olds squawking about their London Bridges. This will be my nomination for worst song of 2007. Does anyone have a tissue?
Most unnecessary medical study of 2006
Maternal Diet During Pregnancy Can Impact Offspring For Generations, Study Shows.I like this story because it reminds me of what my yoga teacher once told me, that practicing yoga with diligence will affect your family for ten generations. In both directions. It’s just so mystically satisfying, whereas telling a pregnant woman that that tub of Haagen Dazs will enfatten her grandchildren is a surefire recipe for guilt and paranoia. Oh, how I heart science.
Long-Awaited Medical Study Questions the Power of Prayer.
Scientists just couldn’t sit with the idea that prayer might help some people, so they spent 2.4 million dollars to recheck this oft-quoted finding. Conclusion? Using prayer in a controlled study doesn’t seem to do very much, and sometimes it hurts. This god we’re praying to is weak and ineffectual, and we must find a new one forthwith. Let’s spend another 2.4 million to find a better one!
Best blog post of 2006
My very favorite new blog of 2006 is Whoopee, which is written by Antonia, who makes me laugh and who, despite the appearance of her brand new baby girl, has gone so far as to send me things in the mail to both prove that she actually exists and to make me laugh. This post is just one of many that made tears run down my face.
Bad News Hughes writes posts for which you should set aside entire days to read. Because when you do, you will laugh until you’re half-retching, half-crying, and at the same time emailing your friends and begging them to read. Then you’ll lie down for a while, giggling helplessly, wondering what’s wrong with the world that everyone isn’t laughing as hard as you are right now. Then you’ll check your email and most of your friends won’t want to talk to you anymore. Because Bad News Hughes is riddled with filthy, tasteless material. The particular post I am most fond of discusses in great detail a maneuver known as the Minnesota wristwatch. I cannot possibly describe this post in any kind of way that would do it justice and/or gain the approval of the AlphaMom editorial staff. I will just say that it makes me laugh so hard that when I reread it just now I had to stop reading before I tore a muscle. If you read this and don’t laugh, I don’t want to know you. Patrick Hughes has never sent me any gifts, for the record, and yet here I am, touting his genius. Such is my journalistic integrity.
Word we’d like to see destroyed in 2007
BRANGELINA. World, please refrain henceforth from ever conflating two celebrity names. Unless you’re Stephen Colbert, who combined Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy to create the splendid “Filliam H. Muffman” and may freely continue to make fun of this wretched trend until it’s over.
Assvice– a word often seen on blogs to mean unsolicited and/or unhelpful advice. There are 39,400 references to assvice on Google. And now the word must die. Not even Stephen Colbert could use this word and get away with it.
Most annoying commercial of 2006
I tend to tune out annoying commercials, but the commercial I love best is one for Nike where basketball star LeBron James acts out four different characters arguing about a dunk contest: a grandpa, a pretty boy, a skinny kid with a big head, and himself. I love the end when the pretty boy, who’s all in silver lam?, and who’s huffy about being beaten by the real LeBron, says in this soft, pretty voice, “Dunk contests are bourgeois.”
Those VW Jetta commercials where some young attractive people are driving along and chatting when WHAMMO! another car hits them. With this ad campaign, I finally got what I’ve been looking for all along: more emotional scarring. Thanks, Volkswagen!
Predicted body part that will be exposed by celebrities in 2007.
Eden: Toe cleavage.
Me: Clearly, it will be the taint. It will take a can-do attitude and a lot of flexibility, but if anyone can expose this little-seen body part, it’s a celebrity.

Alice Bradley
About the Author

Alice Bradley

Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.


Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.

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  • Melissa

    December 29, 2006 at 2:14 pm

    The Bad News Hughes Christmas post, which features pictures of his father in the tiny super hero costume, made me laugh so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.

  • Jenn

    December 29, 2006 at 3:08 pm

    Taint lol. I learn so much from you, Alice.

  • clickmom

    December 29, 2006 at 3:37 pm

    I am totally with you guys on most here, but ENTIRELY with Eden on the KidzBop music. It even makes my kids scream like they have been sprayed with acid or anti-bacterial soap or something just as evil. Just thinking about it raises my blood sugar. shivers.

  • kimblahg

    December 29, 2006 at 4:05 pm

    I love how when you click the taint link, you are brought to Wiki that says (See Also: Choad). Heh Heh

  • lizpenn

    December 29, 2006 at 4:25 pm

    you are my two favorite bloggers on all the internet, and i hail your convergence as i would the meeting of two suns! my word(s) to be crushed in ’07 is “baby bump.”

  • Maren

    December 29, 2006 at 5:31 pm

    Thank you for naming the VW commercials for all of us Post Traumatic Stress Disorder sufferers! They get me EVERY TIME…now my husband warns me and I can close my eyes and say “LALALALALALALALA” until he tells me it is over…

  • Coley

    December 29, 2006 at 6:02 pm

    Alice, I just read the post you referenced from Bad News Hughes. I think I may be fired for disrupting the entire office with my explosive laughter. Good call.
    Oh, and the VW commercials make me shriek. Every time.
    Thanks ladies, I needed that.

  • dorothy

    December 29, 2006 at 6:11 pm

    I agree. Taint. Have a good new year, guys!

  • Kyran @ Notes to Self

    December 30, 2006 at 11:22 am

    Wonder Twins, activate!!
    Excellent girl-on-girl action, sistahs. Hope it becomes a regular feature.
    Eden, what sort of shiny objects should one dangle in your mailbox to win favors? I may have some stamps left over from the Christmas card mailing.

  • Antonia

    December 30, 2006 at 3:33 pm

    Holy shit. Thank you, Eden.

  • mammaloves

    December 30, 2006 at 8:44 pm

    Worst commercial of 2006? Head On
    and now they have a new product! Help me now!!

  • Rebecca

    December 31, 2006 at 3:01 pm

    Thanks, Alice. I fully expect to be standing at the checkout line in a grocery store a year from now, looking at the covers of some of the trashier magazines, and seeing the headline “Celebrity Taint Slips” in 20 point Courier bold.
    And I’m sure the first picture on the cover will be the female half of that hot new celebrity couple Pilmer Hilterrama.

  • Melanie

    January 5, 2007 at 10:47 pm

    I bet if you look closely at the Britney Spears pictures, you’ll see her taint. I mean, really!!! The snake picture just KILLED me, there should have been some sort of warning… crazy stuff. This was a very, very awesome post, except now I have to add Fussy to my already overcrowded blogroll and I need more time to read blogs!!! Great job, ladies.

  • missbanshee

    January 7, 2007 at 1:17 pm

    Dangit, Alice! Now I have to read the entirety of Bad News Hughes, therefore eating away my entire weekend. Too frakking funny!!!

  • Jessica

    January 9, 2007 at 11:31 pm

    Bad News Hughes KILLS me! Patrick is so damned funny. I read the post you’re talking about right when he posted it and found it positively brilliant. So, of course, I went and reread it just now and laughed my ass off! He’s very clever and a fabulous writer!
    And OMG Melissa — I read that Christmas post, too, and for awhile was convinced I’d laughed up a lung because I had trouble breathing, too!
    Great job Eden and Alice!

  • Fuzz

    January 12, 2007 at 11:13 am

    That Bad News Hughes post made me laugh so hard I woke up the dogs from 3 rooms away. It’s so wrong…and yet so good.