Dealing with Pushy, Touchy Grandparents-to-Be

Hi Amy,

I’ve recently started reading your advice column and would really appreciate some of your straight talking advice.

I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law and the rest of my husband’s family. They all live very close together and are very close and involved in each others live. This took a bit of getting used to as, even though I have a lovely supportive family, we are generally very private people. This has not caused a problem before but now I am pregnant (20 weeks) and I’m starting to feel a little bit overwhelmed.

Now I don’t want to seem ungrateful or rude but I am getting a bit tired of feeling like public property.

I have had to deal with my mother-in-law pretty much begging to be in the delivery room when I give birth. I only want my husband there and if I was to have another person surely my own mother would be the first choice. There is also the tummy touching every time I see her without her asking first. I don’t particularly like being touched which is a separate issue but one that I can usually deal with as it didn’t used to happen often. I wouldn’t mind so much if she asked first but I get no warning at all.

The most recent issue is the sex of the baby. I’ve still not decided if I want to find out and if we do find out, I don’t know if I want to tell everyone. But my mother-in-law TOLD us this weekend that we would find out and would tell her straight away.

I have mentioned these things to my husband but he has said that bringing anything up will just upset her and he won’t say anything unless I feel that her behavior is really upsetting me.

Do I just put up with this behavior for the sake of a good mother-in-law relationship? Or do I get my husband to have a word and risk causing upset? So far I have just been biting my tongue and ignoring comments about her being in the delivery room as that is not up for debate. But I really don’t know if pregnancy hormones will let me bite my tongue, especially about the bump touching much longer.

Yours hopefully,
Trying to be a good daughter-in-law

“I have mentioned these things to my husband but he has said that bringing anything up will just upset her and he won’t say anything unless I feel that her behavior is really upsetting me.”

Soooooo….I may be projecting here, but I think once an issue has escalated to “writing to an online advice column for help,” it’s PRETTY SAFE to assume that her behavior IS really upsetting you. Ergo, tell your husband to (lovingly, nicely, respectfully) tell his mother to back the eff up.

Look, we all have different boundaries. You don’t need to rank or rate YOUR personal boundaries against anyone else’s. You don’t need some neutral third party to tell you whether you’re being unreasonable…though for the record, you got exactly that, because you’re not being unreasonable. Your MIL does not get to invite herself into the delivery room or make demands about personal pregnancy decisions. And no one has the right to put their hands on your body if you don’t want their hands on your body.

So maybe we can give your MIL the benefit of the doubt on that one — perhaps she simply doesn’t know or realize that you’re uncomfortable with people touching you in general, and that her unexpected/continued intrusion of your personal space is a Thing.

You’d be perfectly within your rights to say, next time, “Hey, I’m really sorry I didn’t say something earlier but I’d really, really prefer if you didn’t touch my belly without asking me first. I have a thing about being touched when I’m not expecting it and I guess being pregnant has made it worse. Thanks.”

You’d also be perfectly within your rights to make your husband have that conversation with her in private, however, to spare you any and all uncomfy-ness. Tell him to think of this as Supportive Pregnancy Partner Job #1: Deal with his mother’s overstepping so you don’t have to.

As for the delivery room and sex reveal thing, well, WHATEVER. He needs to shut that talk down now. Both are decisions that only you and your husband get to make. Full stop. The end. Back off.

It’s important to remember, though, during these crazy-making moments, to take a deep breath and recognize that all this stuff IS coming from a loving, excited place. It’s just that her way of expressing said love and excitement is…well. Yeah. Not really your jam. AND THAT’S OKAY.

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