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A longtime reader is trying to conceive now and needs help finding an online community that doesn't indulge in cutesy talk.

TTC POAS BFN OMG WTF

By Amalah

Dear Amy,

You’ve answered my question about my sister before, so now I’m back with my own question.

My husband and I started trying to conceive extremely recently, so I joined a couple of groups attached to an ovulation tracker that I use. And I find the terminology nauseating-more than PMS, even! And then I went to other websites and joined groups at THOSE sites. They have the same problem, and often the same terms.

Baby dance? It’s sex! Call it sex! You’re adults! If you can’t use the word sex, you are not mature enough to have children!. Baby dust? I accept your good hopes and wishes, but baby dust? Gag me with a spoon. And then, they apparently need to have initialisms and acronyms for everything! POAS rather than peeing on a stick (or, better yet, taking a pregnancy test). BFN for a negative test, BFP for a positive test.

Is it just that I’m new to all of this and I’ll become inured to all of it, like these women apparently have? Is there a forum for women (and men!) who don’t want the cutesy stuff, who just want to commiserate?

I just don’t know anymore.

Not Cutesy

I cannot believe — and by that I mean I 100% totally believe — that absolutely nothing has changed in the TTC (Trying To Conceive) community since I was once a reluctant member. FOURTEEN YEARS AGO.

I no longer have my finger on the pulse for where the “cool” TTC kids congregate — in MY day (smacks gums) we all just up and started blogs about it. I, like you, found the endless acronyms and *~*~baby dust~*~* and MySpace-era web design to be absolutely unbearable. I could not do it, not even a little bit. I eventually found my people among the infertility bloggers — smart, snarky women who said words like sex and pee and vagina. Because that’s the stuff you’re talking about when you talk about this stuff.

But it’s a different age now, and just about all of those bloggers have packed up and moved on with their lives (and raising their children, in most cases, I’m thrilled to say). But I still believe that you are not alone. Just like there will (apparently) ALWAYS be women who are perfectly happy to adopt an entire second language while trying to get pregnant (see also: the cloth diapering community), there will ALWAYS be women like you and me, who…just sort of….want to back away slowly from all of that. But who also DO want a community of support and advice and maybe online friendship. Who will toast your “BFN” with a shot of vodka and let you curse from the disappointment.

So, dear readers, I am throwing my advice torch to you for this one: Do you know of a good TTC community that doesn’t indulge in all the cutesy talk, or at least keeps it to a minimum for easier typing purposes? (Like: WHYYYYY all the acronyms while also typing “baby dance” instead of “sex,” which has fewer letters and is thus faster to type? These are questions I am still asking more than a decade later.) A Facebook group? A message board? A solid group text?

How did you find support and advice during the TTC period?

*********

Photo source: Depositphotos/wavebreakmedia

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Amalah
About the Author

Amy Corbett Storch

Amalah

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Ama...

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Amalah. Also, it’s pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

If there is a question you would like answered on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to [email protected].

Amy also documented her second pregnancy (with Ezra) in our wildly popular Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to rising first-grader Noah, preschooler Ezra, and toddler Ike.

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LK
Guest
LK

Omfg. I’ve got a 6yo and all those cutesy acronyms still make me pukey.

I found my people (in person) through a hospital mom group but online, through the podcast One Bad Mother. Funny, sarcastic, cursing instead of fake cutesy bs. Good luck!

Alicia
Guest
Alicia

The infertility/trying to conceive boards on Reddit were less awful than the others I browsed. Most people seemed to have a working brain and basic understanding of high school health… I think it still had many of the acronyms, though.

Amy
Guest
Amy

I second the Reddit suggestion. The absolute worst offenders, in my opinion, were the forums associated with the ovulation trackers. Just truly scraping the bottom of the intellectual barrel there.You’ll probably want to steer clear of BabyCenter forums too. They *can* be helpful and I definitely popped into my birth-board every once in a while, but the redundancy will kill you. In all sincerity, I pretty much had to abandon forums though in the dark period of my infertility struggle. I just couldn’t find a place that didn’t make me want to scream at the injustice of it all when… Read more »

Deify Plums
Guest
Deify Plums

so, I think you have to stay away (far, far, far, away) from the What To Expect and other mainstream message boards. (Honestly, it reminds me of the mainstream BS when I was getting married). I’m in the infertility space, and I hope you never have to go there, but I can highly recommend the Matt and Doree’s Eggcellent Adventure facebook group (there’s also a podcast, but it can be a bit divisive as times) … it actually led me to a local group and we collectively HATE terms like baby dust. But there are still about a gazillion acronyms,… Read more »

Emily H
Guest
Emily H

I hesitate to recommend this site, as sometimes it can get a little snarky and unhelpful, but DC Urban Moms & Dads does have two infertility forums that are practically minded and tend to stay away from the unhelpful bullshit. Prepare for some judgment but if you know that going on and are in the right mindset, I found it helpful about the actual medicine. Also even though it’s meant for the DC area there’s lots of info that’s helpful to people struggling with these issues who live anywhere.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/forums/list.page

Hannah
Guest
Hannah

I don’t have any helpful recommendations because I eventually just gave up and soldiered on by myself (and then conceived so it became irrelevant), but I want to let the asker know she’s not the only one who thinks the world (or at least everyone in the world who is trying to conceive and access the internet) suddenly went crazy and needs to stop with the cutseyness and acronyms. Hope her wait is short 🙁

Margaret
Guest
Margaret

I’m 16 days postpartum from my ivf conceived daughter’s birth. It’s been a 5 year journey, for various reasons. Early on I looked at those ttc boards (baby center I’m looking at you) and never looked again because it was too cutesy and also I recognized that so much intense ttc navel-gazing would throw me down a rabbit hole of ttc stress. I had a few friends who had gone through it and briefly heard their experiences, researched it from a medical perspective for myself, and then leaned on my mum if necessary for sympathy. I tried to keep my… Read more »

K
Guest
K

Just commiserating – all the TTC groups I’ve seen are awful (and sometimes wildly incorrect, in terms of information shared). I’m with a few other posters – a close group of girlfriends/friends or a smaller FB group or local support-ish group through church/your barre class/your fertility specialist/whatever are a good bet – maybe better than internet strangers all hopped up on *baby dust*. Wishing luck to the OP on her TTC journey, and if you find a group come back and share!

Tiffany Benedict
Guest
Tiffany Benedict

I have had the same issues as you and have yet to find a group without all the silly nonsense. I just don’t get it we are adults trying to have a baby not giggly teenage girls. I would look for a local Facebook group as like you I found all the others filled with crazy woman and too many silly acronyms. I am 34 and feel far to old for that sillness. I wish you good luck, my husband and I are in our 8th month of trying and it feels like an eternity. I like other posters try… Read more »

Hannah
Guest
Hannah

r/infertility on reddit specifically defines themselves as “a science-minded, realistic, sometimes cynical sub.” Their rules go on to say: “There are many communities online for people who want a more “positive” or “upbeat” experience complete with baby du$t and those who are seeking ways to “cure” infertility with natural remedies, gimmicks or diet cleanses have many places to go. People who do not feel they belong in those spaces often feel deep relief to have found our realistic, pragmatic and science-focused space and we do our best to ensure that it retains this quality. We welcome all kinds of discussions,… Read more »

Lissy
Guest
Lissy

I agree with others, Reddit is pretty good. However, they do still use most of these terms, except baby dust has been banned. Also, there are many women there who have been trying a while and are a a bit bitter. The subreddits of ttc are better though.