How Can I Avoid Gendered Baby Gifts?
Hello! You’ve helped me before and I’m hoping you’ll help me again. I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant, and my husband and I are going to find out the sex of the baby around United States Thanksgiving. We’ve already decided to find out, and that we’ll just tell everyone. No “gender reveal” parties are in our future because with the holidays, we’re highly likely to be completely partied out, among other reasons.
The question is, is it possible to completely stop gendered clothing, toys, and so on if we do tell? Most of my family and most of his are on board with the non-gendered baby clothing objective, mainly because we may want to have more than one child, and it would be nice to be able to reuse SOME things.
Also, I don’t see colors as inherently gendered, but many gender-specific items have gross messages. Is it possible to specify on, for example, baby shower invites that we’d prefer non-gendered gifts?
Or am I doomed to “Daddy’s Little Princess” or “Little Slugger” nonsense that pops up everywhere? Is it super gauche to state a distinct dislike for an entire class of clothing and other baby articles?
Help!!
Manage your own expectations re: others embracing your Gender Neutral Objectives
The short answer is no, it’s not really possible to completely stop gendered baby clothing, toys, etc. Particularly if you are announcing your baby’s biological sex before the birth — our society is still very much hard-wired to hear It’s a Boy/Girl! and run for the nearest gender stereotype on the clothing rack.
And while it’s a noble objective that I am 100% supportive of, it’s also one that will drive you 100% batty if you try to enforce it across the board. So it’s best to simply accept that you can’t really dictate other people’s generosity and you’re going to get some of that stuff, and that’s okay. That’s what gift receipts and the Goodwill are for.
(This also goes for parents hoping to avoid baby gifts with batteries or plastic, or would prefer all gifts be unpainted organic artisanal Montessori-approved items that match their living room decor: I get it. I really do get it. But Great Aunt Karen ain’t gonna get it, so…oh well. Smile and be gracious! Check the gift bag for a receipt later! Donate the offending item if you must! But send a thank-you note anyway!)
Baby shower invites and gift etiquette regarding requests
It’s considered rude and gauche to include ANY references to baby gifts on party and shower invites (and yes, I am going to die on this particular etiquette hill; feel free to give me a push and roll me off after my corpse is cold), so no, you should not explicitly put a request for non-gendered gifts on the invitation.
Ideas for how to suggest to guests your preference for gender-neutral baby items
What you CAN do, on the other hand, is:
1) opt for gender-neutral invitations that make no mention of the baby’s sex,
2) load up your baby registry to the brim with your preferred non-gendered items, and
3) have your shower host or hostess aware and informed of your preference, and then field any and all guest questions.
“Do they know what they’re having?”
“Yes! It’s a boy/girl. But we’re requesting guests bring all gender-neutral baby items anyway; they’d like to have things to reuse for future babies!!”
“Oh, okay. Do they have a baby gift registry?”
“Yes! Here’s the link. Can’t wait to see you at the baby shower!”
There will ALWAYS be someone who goes off-script and off-registry. There will ALWAYS be someone who thinks every baby girl must own a pink sequined tutu and matching tiara, or who just can’t bring themselves to buy the beautiful ecru swaddling blankets for a boy when there’s a package covered in various tacky blue sportsball graphics right there on the shelf. (Not that sports should be inherently viewed as gendered either, but you get my point.)
You could also opt to SELECTIVELY tell people the sex — close friends and family, who you say are already mostly onboard with your plan, get to know, while maybe you don’t tell…say, your coworkers. I’m not sure this would totally work if your shower(s) end up having a lot of guest crossover, though.
Big-ticket items like strollers and car seats and travel cribs and exersaucers, on the other hand, are definitely where you can more easily push for the gender-neutral options since those are built for re-use. Put what you want in the color scheme you want on your registry, and if asked about group gifts from shower attendees or coworkers or whatever, cheerfully and graciously offer them the link, along with an offhand comment about this being “baby number one,” so you’re hoping to keep things gender-free and neutral for the future. Most people “get” this, so it should be easier to have your preferences honored without a lot of WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF HIPPIE LIBERAL WEIRDO? judgment or eyerolls.
Creative ideas for when you do receive gendered baby items
Here’s another thing: Newborn clothes already have a low chance at reuse, to be honest. Diaper blowouts and spit-up and all other unholy bodily fluid messes will render a LOT of your baby’s wardrobe a one-and-done kind of thing. So if you can’t return or donate something you find to be ridiculously and needlessly gendered or annoying, relegate to at-home/pajamas/literally-everything-else-is-in-the-laundry wear. Use the princess onesies as a protective inner layer for your favorite neutral footie romper. Send Great Aunt Karen a photo of whatever ridiculous thing she sent, then cut it up for burp rags.
(xoxo and congratulations from a fellow hippie liberal weirdo)
More articles on Gendered Neutral Baby Items at Alpha Mom
1. Boys Will Be (Feminist) Boys
2. How to Gender-Neutral Parent in a Family of Bias
3. The Gender-Neutral Clothing War
