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The only possible explanation.

By Alice Bradley

A mother and her son were booted off a plane after a flight attendant became upset when the 19-month-old kept saying “Bye, bye plane” as the aircraft prepared for liftoff.
… “‘It’s called Baby Benadryl,'” Penland said the attendant told her, suggesting she give her child allergy medication to help him fall asleep fast.

Grounded! Mom, Tot Booted From Plane
Setting: A dimly lit, futuristic hall. Several men and women in flight attendant suits sit around a polished metal conference table. One of the attendants, wearing a name tag that reads “SHEILA,” stands.
Sheila: Welcome, everyone, to the 32nd meeting of the League of Obstinate Flight Attendants. Here at LOOFA, our number one concern is, of course, alienating that percent of our passengers who might be defined as “feisty,” “spirited,” or “children.” What have we done recently to ensure that these sassy customers don’t return to our planes? Let’s go around the room.
Attendant #1: Some woman asked me for an extra blanket. Because she was cold. I turned the plane around. You don’t talk to me like that.
Attendant #2: When the seatbelt light was turned on, I intercepted a passenger on her way to the restroom. She said she was having an emergency, but I said real loud, MA’AM I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATHROOM EMERGENCY YOU MEAN BUT IF YOU BROKE YOUR HEAD IN THERE THAT WOULD BE A REAL BATHROOM EMERGENCY, WOULDN’T IT?
Attendant #3: During my fifth obligatory aisle walk, a passenger complained that his light was broken and he couldn’t read his Proust. I hissed, “Why don’t you go back to your cork-lined bedroom, you syphilitic know-it-all. ” Then I tossed him out the emergency door.
Attendant #4: When one surly gentleman went off by himself to find water or whatever it is he claimed he needed, I placed a live scorpion on his headrest.
The other attendants murmur.
Attendant #4: Too much?
Attendant #5: I forced a woman and her child-thing to get off the plane, even though the child was not bothering any of the other passengers. Even though the child had fallen asleep!
Sheila: Excellent. Before they left, did you note any specific threat the child might have posed?
Attendant #5: Indeed I did. He kept squealing, “Biplane. Biplane.”
Attendant #4: But—but how did he know? Was your Female Person Suit ill-fitting?
Attendant #5: Not at all. I had just had my Female Person Suit repaired and resized. The biplane arrangement of my forelimbs and hindlimbs were wound tightly around my exoskeleton, entirely hidden from view.
Attendant #4: You know, I was just thinking, while she was saying that? While the gentleman I surprised with the scorpion did not have a child with him, he probably had a kid at home he might report back to.
Sheila (ignoring Attendant #4): It is disturbing, but not surprising, about the child. Children of humans have a remarkable capacity to detect our true identities.
Attendant #1 (raising hand): I was just wondering–why don’t we want the children nursing on the plane, again? Wouldn’t that distract them?
(Shrill cries emanate from the other attendants’ abdominal gills.)
Moderator: Bizaw! The opposite is true, as your fellow LOOFA-mates could tell you! When the child is nursing, his senses are keener than ever. He can smell our ammoniac exudations. He can hear our high-pitched sonar. The nursing child is the enemy!
Attendant #4: MORE SCORPIONS!
(Everyone looks at him.)
Attendant #4: You know, because scorpions are cool, and stuff.
Sheila removes her molded silicone face mask, revealing compound eyes and horny, pincer-like jaws from which wave toothed chitinous ribbons.
Sheila: Excuse me, but this face unit was chafing. Anyway, if we’re going to increase the percentage of complacent passengers, whom we will fly to our hidden planet in the alternate dimension we call [editor’s note: name redacted because if it appeared here it would cause the Internet to implode] in order to feast on their brain matter and savory thigh meat, we must make sure no children remain on board. Ever. Got it?
Attendant #4: Way to telegraph the entire joke, there, Sheila.
Moderator: That’s it. To everyone Get him!
The other attendants all leap upon Attendant #4 as Sheila massages her pincers and stares into the middle distance, feeling oddly defeated.

Alice Bradley
About the Author

Alice Bradley

Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.


Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.

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