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To Three or Not to Three, Revisited

By Amalah

Hi Amy-

I’ve read your column for several years and you’ve helped me with a couple of questions, too. Now I have what I realize is sort of a ridiculous question and one that no one else can really answer for me. I had written out a long, crazy-person email when I finally tracked down two previous columns you had written about this.

So I have to ask – have you come up with a perfect decision tree or decision matrix for if and/or when to have a third child?

Because my youngest (1 year. older child 3.5 years) just started sleeping through the night and I have gone from “there is no way anybody on this planet could convince me to have another child” to “What do you think the right spacing is between the 2nd and 3rd child is” or “would we totally ruin our youngest by having another baby?” and other similarly crazy thoughts.

We can’t take the “let’s just see what happens approach” – we sort of did that with my second child and we conceived my first cycle after having my IUD removed (like – I didn’t even get a period). My first didn’t take much more either. I’m worried that my desire for a third kid is being driven by all the wrong reasons:

-hormones from weaning (and potentially NEVER breastfeeding again in my life)
-nostalgia at seeing my little baby toddling around like a big boy
-Having some nagging feeling of dissatisfaction with not being totally present during the first few months of both my children’s lives (baby #1 we struggled with identifying a milk and soy allergy; baby #2 arrived at 36 weeks via c-section and spent time in the NICU nursery and came home on oxygen and remained on it for 6 months).

I even made a pro-con list (or more reasons to or not to) for having #3 and on paper the decision is obvious. There is no logical reason to have another child. I know for sure that right now is NOT the right time, but how do you know when it is right?  I’m so afraid of regretting our decision either way (most afraid of regretting having a third) – I had a rough pregnancy and had some pretty rough guilt at being relieved to not be pregnant any more with my 2nd even though he was born 3.5 weeks early and had some health issues. I had some PPA and PPD with both kids and I can’t imagine things being better the third time around.

Torn between 2 and 3

Nope. There’s really nothing more to wanting a third child than wanting a third child.

As you’ve seen and agonized over, there will always be pros and cons to the decision, along with a huge number of unknowns and what-ifs. Your previous pregnancy/childbirth/babyhood experiences SEEM like solid reference points in the “I know what to expect another time around” column but you ALSO know that’s a load of crap, since having a second child is always a great reminder that every pregnancy and birth is a crapshoot and newborns basically exist to make us all feel like tired, flailing idiots who have no idea what we’re doing.

We decided to have a third child because we thought we’d like to have a girl, but were also equally on board with having another boy. We assumed it would take a while to happen since we struggled twice before; it turned out I was already pregnant by the time we made the “official” decision. By six weeks along, we’d already chosen the name for a boy and just like that, all thoughts of a girl were out of my mind. We were having a third boy, 2.5 years after our second boy, 5 years after our first, and that was that was that.

I still rejected the idea of having a tubal ligation at the time of my third c-section, because I simply didn’t want to deal with that level of finality while newly postpartum. I also didn’t want to experience his babyhood through a nagging lens of “THIS IS THE LAST TIME I SHALL EVER X/Y/Z OMG.” So we delayed making any permanent birth control decisions until we were super sure we were “done.” And believe me, after our third there was absolutely NO QUESTION, no pro/con list, no debate that we were, in fact, dunzo.

And with that feeling of completeness came a…I don’t know quite how to put this…but an extra sense of peace about our decision to have a third baby. I had all the same doubts and worries you list here — we’d somehow ruin our second baby’s life, or ours, or regret having another or feel generally unhappy or overwhelmed with living life on zone defense. But it wasn’t until I held my third in my arms and gazed at his beautiful face that my brain and my heart finally came together on the same page: I am complete. I have all my babies. I didn’t have that feeling after my first or my second. And it was a really good feeling.

But…yeah. It’s a pretty huge, life-changing decision to hang upon some nebulous “feeling” like that. I wish my insights on this topic weren’t all so squishy and personal and not exceedingly practical.

If you really, really aren’t sure if you want a third child — and it sounds like you aren’t — but aren’t quite ready to pull the tubal or vasectomy plug, go ahead and stick with shorter-term, easily reversible birth control (pill, condoms, etc.). I do think trying to sort all this out while in the middle of weaning and while still recovering from a traumatic birth and  PPA/PPD is too much, and those extra factors are not helping you separate what you really really want from the hamster-wheel brain of anxiety/guilt/FOMO/whatever. Don’t worry about the right or ideal “spacing.” (The spacing will be whatever the spacing ends up being, either from a surprise positive or a surprise stretch of negatives.)

You know for sure right now isn’t the right time, and that’s a perfectly valid and acceptable answer! Put away the lists and let that be your answer, for now. You might feel differently later. You might not. Either way, enjoy those two babies, and work on cutting yourself some gentle slack over their early weeks/months. None of that was your fault or anything worth feeling guilty over.

More articles on Family Size at Alpha Mom:

1. To Three Or Not To Three
2. On Life With Three
3. Outnumbered and Loving It

Photo source: Depositphotos/nikkos

Amalah
About the Author

Amy Corbett Storch

Amalah

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Ama...

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Amalah. Also, it’s pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

If there is a question you would like answered on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to [email protected].

Amy also documented her second pregnancy (with Ezra) in our wildly popular Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to rising first-grader Noah, preschooler Ezra, and toddler Ike.

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Caroline Bowman
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Caroline Bowman

Give it a year (unless that would be bad because of your age). You had a c-section a year ago. Give yourself time to recover *completely* and to enjoy what you already have. No need to make a decision of any kind yet. If you give yourself 12 months, there will still be a good gap that won’t be massive, and things will become clear. The other question is financial. Can you and your family realistically accommodate another person in your budget? What will it mean for your careers, for the opportunities the children will later have? I know that’s… Read more »

Karen
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Karen

Have four!!!

Elizabeth
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Elizabeth

Our carefully planned/agonized over “third” child was twins – so yeah – have four! (Surprisingly awesome and actually fun.)

Natalie
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Natalie

“I even made a pro-con list (or more reasons to or not to) for having #3 and on paper the decision is obvious. There is no logical reason to have another child.” I’ll just point out that going from zero children to one child make zero sense on paper and there’s no logical reasoning behind it. Having babies is an emotional decision and there’s nothing wrong with wanting one more or not wanting another.

Sue
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Sue

I like Caroline and Natalie’s thoughts – give yourself time and don’t pretend as if there are no practical considerations to take into account. The practical doesn’t need to make the decision for you, but absolutely should be considered. For what it’s worth, we have a 7 year old now. Our second baby is due right after he turns 8 (just got our positive!) – we took our time between and didn’t worry about perfect spacing, but instead said “we’ll know when it’s time to add”. I realize that much of a gap doesn’t appeal to everyone (nor may it… Read more »

Alana
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Alana

I can sort of relate. The week before I found out I was pregnant with baby 3, I thought to myself how I was 100% done done done having babies/nursing and that a positive pregnancy test would be *the worst*. Well, I took a test, it was positive, and 30 seconds later I was laughing, and truly HAPPY. So don’t worry that you’ll regret having the third. That said, having 3 is NO JOKE. The chaos is never-ending, they tend to cry in unison, and even if you have good sleepers (all of mine are), you’re still always up at… Read more »