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Resturant Bans Kids

If Kids Can Be Banned from Restaurants, These People Should Be, Too

By Guest Contributor

By the Mouthy Housewives

This week we heard that a restaurant in Pennsylvania is banning kids under the age of six from its premises. Because kids can be noisy.  And annoying. And picky eaters who need highchairs. And apparently, they shouldn’t be exposed to other members of the human race. We are unclear whether the restaurant will offer a post by its door where parents can tie up their children while they enjoy a delicious meal, or whether the sight of salivating children will be too upsetting to the restaurant’s patrons. Maybe they’ll put a bowl of water on the floor for them just to be nice.

Still, being mothers ourselves, we admire the initiative to make a dining experience more pleasant. That’s why we have some suggestions for the other types of people restaurants should exclude. People who none of us like to see breaking bread at the next table. Let’s make eating out safe for everyone, okay?

Who Should Be Banned from Restaurants:

  • Toothpick users. Especially those who examine whatever they extract like it’s a freaking diamond.
  • People who call themselves “Foodies”. Without irony.
  • Women who say, “Oh, I really shouldn’t” when offered dessert. Live a little, baby.
  • Anyone who tucks their napkin into their shirt collar like they’re ready for some good eatin’.
  • People who lean back from the table and unbutton their pants after a meal. Nobody wants to see that.
  • Any and all groups of women who try to divvy up a bill to the last penny and yell things like, “But Sharon just had a salad! Why should she pay for Jenny’s steak?”
  • People who chew with their mouths open. Even toddlers know that’s rude.
  • Men who hold their utensils like cavemen.
  • Anyone who yells “WoooHooooo!” and slams their glass down after they’ve finished a drink.
  • That thin gorgeous young couple who are all over each other (No, we’re not jealous. Why do you ask?)
  • The group of frat guys who are pounding on the table and screaming, “Chug! Chug! Chug!” It’s just rude to be so loud and not buy the other patrons a complimentary round.
  • The couple who are both constantly on their phones. They are quiet. And creepy. And don’t talk. Are they at least texting each other?
  • That person alone who is reading. We just don’t like her silent, high brow, “I’m into literature” attitude.
  • The person who doesn’t leave a tip on their table. Because now we feel bad for the waitress and have to tip more ourselves.
  • Awkward dates. Or ones going *really* well. Ahem.
  • People who dump the complimentary bread or chips into the to-go container.

  • Anyone with a camera. With a flash.
  • People who make the waiters sing “Happy Birthday” to them when they really should be getting us another glass of wine. So selfish.
  • Individuals who comment on what they aren’t ordering from the menu because it “doesn’t agree with me.”
  • People who go to a steak restaurant when they’re a vegetarian.
  • Waitstaff who don’t write down your order and instead “use their memory.” Does this ever work? No, it does not.
  • Anyone that is compelled to TwitPic a hamburger.
  • Children. Oh.

More SATIRE and irreverence can be found over at The Mouthy Housewives website. Go ahead and click on over but first tell us who else should be banned from restaurants.

Published July 15, 2011. Last updated June 28, 2018.
Guest Contributor
About the Author

Guest Contributor

We often publish pieces by guest contributors. If you’re interested in being one, please drop us a line at contact[at]alphamom[dot]com.


We often publish pieces by guest contributors. If you’re interested in being one, please drop us a line at contact[at]alphamom[dot]com.

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  • Jenni

    July 15, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    While eating a Chili’s (fine dining I assure you) with my actually well behaved boys (I was shocked too) the couple next to us was rubbing each other’s feet under the table, which we could clearly see and then taking bites of food! GAG. First too much PDA there, second just NOT sanitary. BANNED

  • Trish

    July 15, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    I would also ban people who carry on really loud cell phone conversations.

  • Jen

    July 15, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    I think the restaurant made the right call (this coming from someone that is giving birth in 3 short months). It really depends on the type of place and he guy that did it intended for his place to be a nice quiet atmosphere. If I were to go to a place expecting that then I would first of all leave my kids home with someone so that I had a nice evening out with the hubby and if someone brought their kid and started making noise then I wouldn’t want to be there…So in this guys place I agree totally, now if Chili’s or another normally loud place decided to ban kids then I would be mad

  • Kristen

    July 16, 2011 at 10:11 am

    The beginning of this article is ridiculous. Its not because he thinks they are less than anyone, it’s because there are crap parents who don’t discipline their children (probably saying that running around, screaming, and throwing food at other people is just “kids being kids”) in his place of business. He had people complain, and he made a business decision. Don’t like it, don’t eat there, easy as pie. Take your kids to TGI Fridays or Chilis, or get a (gasp!) babysitter and leave them at home.

  • blackhuff

    July 18, 2011 at 6:40 am

    I love the list you have compiled about people one do not want in restaurants 🙂

  • Ally

    July 18, 2011 at 11:58 am

    I really wish more restaurants would have this policy. I assumed most parents wouldn’t bring their kids to an upscale restaurants, but that doesn’t always happen. My husband and I went to a plce in Philly and a couple brought their baby who cried on and off the entire time. If I am paying two hundred dollars for dinner plus paying for a babysitter I don’t want to hear crying kids.

  • VG

    July 18, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    You have to find a balance for having small kids and eating out. A swanky place or like a country club atmosphere isn’t the right setting. Now, what other people said, such as Fridays, Chili’s, even a local joint is good. Everytime my husband and I go out to eat w/ our 15 month old, it’s the same local family joint, where whole soccer/baseball/basketball teams come in to dine. Plus, she gets free bibs ALL the time, BONUS! 😛

  • tasterspoon

    July 18, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Hey, if you don’t want your chips, I’ll take ’em. My kid at home is starving.

  • Laura's Reviews

    July 18, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Truthfully I have been more annoyed by the bad behaviour of adults in restaurants than I ever had by children. I like eating out with my family and often it is a necessity when we are on the road visiting relatives. I don’t think that having kids should doom my husband and I to solely eating in McDonalds until they are 18. Kids enjoy good food too. I’m tired of the world being so anti-kid these days.

  • Becca

    July 21, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Kids really don’t enjoy good food…. kids under 6? are you kidding me? they would rather have a grilled cheese than a 20 dollar meal. I think the policy is understandable. It doesnt have to be every restaurant but definitely some should take on the policy.

  • MIchele

    July 21, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    Sometimes we vegetarians get out-voted or go to a steak house to make the rest of our party happy.

  • Ashley

    July 21, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    Maybe you are the one who shouldn’t be going to these restaurants if you cannot stand people who are completely perfect. Ridiculous.

    Editor: This is so amusing. Have you ever heard of something called “satire”?

  • Annoyed

    July 30, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Im sorry, but this is ridiculous. I get why, as parents, you think this is an outrageous rule to instate on your restaurant, but I personally see nothing wrong with it. Mcdains is an upscale restaurant and its targeted market is not families that are wiping their kids noses an asking them not to put their hands in their food. Obviously, if you have small children, they prefer not to have your business. The atmoshphere they are trying to create for their customers is not a family dining experience. Take your kids to Friendly’s.

  • Carrie

    August 9, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Personally i think this who anti-kid thing is discrimination. And I agree with you on your list but would like to add that couple across the resturant that you can tell are obviously arguing and one gets up and throws their napkin down and starts to walk home…it just makes the whole resturant uncomfortable for the rest of us.

  • Danielle

    March 4, 2015 at 11:54 am

    I hope that the company I work for jumps on the bandwagon and decides to ban children! I might no longer need a constant supply of headache tablets. However adults are just as bad as kids if not worse. As soon as there’s something they don’t like the toys come flying out of the pram and the tantrum begins.