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Welcome to Wonderland.

By Alice Bradley

Behold! You have entered Wonderland: a weekly round-up of news and events and occurrences occurring in this topsy-turvy world of ours. In the coming months and years, I’ll focus on whatever news happens to strike my fancy. Given that Wonderland does, after all, live on AlphaMom, many of these stories will undoubtedly be of special relevance to parents. And because of my own personal bias, I shall also, inevitably, regale you with tales of heroic kitty cats.
Will you please be quiet, John Kerry, please?
As you may have heard, next Tuesday is a little something we call Election Day. And it appears that after this year’s Election Day, the Democrats might just gain control of Congress. That is, as long as every single Democratic candidate disavows friendship with or knowledge of this ‘John Kerry’ character.
Pity poor John Kerry. He finally gets the spotlight again, only to have that happen. When you heard that sound clip, did your heart not break for him? Could you not hear his brain frantically whirring as he figured out how badly he flubbed his little joke? Or do you loathe every basset-houndy inch of him, and did you cackle in glee as he crashed and burned?
Mid-term voting: ID, graduate degree required
Chaos. Mayhem. Fisticuffs. Humans mating with raccoons. All these things and more will almost certainly occur on Election Day.
This was the conclusion (sort of) of, an election-reform website that issued a 75-page report on how Election Day will go. I read it all. And I can sum it up for you in this pithy haiku:
Confusion will reign
IDs! New machines! Oh, god!
It’s going to suck bad.

Does your state require ID? Twenty-four of them now do, but in several states, the new law has been challenged, and in some cases overturned, and in still other cases overturned yet again. When the news tells you that the lifting of the ban on not requiring ID has been reversed, can you figure out whether or not to bring your driver’s license without your head exploding?
With these baffling new rules, the learning curve expected as poll workers and voters alike contend with new electronic voting machines, and new registration databases in some states, I’m thinking that maybe eight people will manage to vote.
If you want to be one of the lucky eight, be sure to know your state’s ID rules: the poll workers may not. In Arizona’s primary, poll workers who weren’t sure about the ID requirements were observed simply making them up.
When the poll workers are improvising, my friends, we should all be a little more nervous than we are.
This week in science: Women 38% more likely to suffer from studies
According to this week’s published studies, women are delicate creatures who succumb easily to sickness, perish if they are without a man, and swiftly fail should the temperature of the room dip below 68.
First off, this bit of news, which I could have told them if they had only asked: women are more likely to develop multiple sclerosis. I know plenty of women who suffer from MS, sadly, and the only man I know is Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley. But apparently ‘What Alice Could Tell You If You’d Just Ask’ does not a study make, so scientists made it all official-like.
Actually, what raises this study above the obvious is the real discovery, which is that the ratio of MS-afflicted women to men has, for the past fifty years, been rising. Why, you ask? That, apparently, is for another study to conclude. Thanks, scientists.
In yet another study, it was shown that women who smoke really should not. Groundbreaking!
Due to our delicate lady parts, we are apparently more vulnerable to the deadly effects of smoking, and much less vulnerable to looking mysterious and cool with a cigarette in our hands. (N.B.: There was no mention of ‘lady parts’ in the actual study.)
And what if your husband smokes? Women are more likely to suffer ill effects from secondhand smoke, after all, so shouldn’t you get those divorce papers ready? Well, according to yet another study, that’ll kill you, too. Or at least make you less healthy.
In this study, a group of rural women were studied over the course of ten years; the divorced ones suffered increased stress, which led eventually to physical ailments. The key word here seems to me to be ‘rural.’ Who isn’t going to suffer, all alone, out on the frontier, with the wolves howling at your door, and no man who can get up at 4 a.m. to shear the sheep and milk the goats? And herd the animals that require herding? Can you tell I’ve never lived in the country?
Hey, men? With that smug expression on your faces? There’s bad news for you, too. Don’t look now, but whoops, your testosterone levels are dropping. According to another recent study, testosterone levels are plummeting 1 percent each year. And yet again, no one knows why.
But here comes the answer, just in time to save us all: red wine! If you consume massive quantities of red wine, according to scientists, you’ll live forever! This may not be exactly what the scientists said, but it’s what I took from this article. Also, that fat mice are cute.
So: are you voting? What’s your opinion on this year’s elections? Are you a divorced frontierswoman smoker now forced to drink bottles of red wine just to live another day? Weigh in, below.

Alice Bradley
About the Author

Alice Bradley

Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.


Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.

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  • Cate Ross

    November 3, 2006 at 10:20 am

    Congratulations on your inaugural post. Great. Now I have ANOTHER blog I’m going to have to read. I’ll just go add it to the bookmarked list…
    If you weren’t so darned delightful to read, I wouldn’t have these problems. Good job!

  • beammeup_00

    November 3, 2006 at 10:53 am

    I’m headed to the wine store – this is the excuse I’ve been looking for! Next up – testosterone enhanced red wines – now us old male geezers will have everything we need. Great start to your new blog – keep it up. Now get back over to Finslippy and tell us how Henry is adapting to the burbs.

  • Anna

    November 3, 2006 at 11:00 am

    Welcome to Alphamom, Alice! Glad to see all my favourite women bloggers opening their column here one by one. And I am not even a mom.
    Just to comment on the testosterone study, I cannot believe that they haven’t thought of the blindingly obvious, which I took to be common knowledge. It’s the combination of the Pill, pee, and urban planning. There is far more oestrogen now in the water that we drink from the tap, as far more oestrogen enters the water cycle where our drinking water comes from. People hit upon this ages ago when they first realised that male fish living in waters that are in contact with our sewage system have become infertile, and this was linked to the hormones entering the system from the bodies of women who are on the Pill.

  • mar

    November 3, 2006 at 11:18 am

    Other men who suffer from MSntel Williams, Richard Pryor, and Meredith Viera’s husband? But yes, aside from these, ah, interesting public personalities, all of the people who I know personally who suffer from MS are women. My cousin was diagnosed 14 years ago. It’s heartbreaking.
    And seriously – the scientists who did this study – you figure they are supposedly pretty bright, eh? So they didn’t think to look at the 2 things at the same time? Oh wait – now, by doing it as 2 separate studies, they can get 2x the money, and people who suffer from it can wait just that much longer for a cure!! Gee, they really *are* brilliant!!
    Glad to see you are a part of the Alpha Mom team!!

  • Lizpres

    November 3, 2006 at 11:23 am

    While I am not a mom, Alphamom has all the coolest bloggers and all the funniest entries and I spend a lot of time on here. Thanks for bringing the awesome Finslippy on board — now I will waste EVEN MORE TIME here! Yay, Finslippy!

  • LadyBug

    November 3, 2006 at 11:38 am

    I have no opinion on, well, anything, really, but wanted to congratulate you on your new gig.

  • Star Shine

    November 3, 2006 at 12:11 pm

    It does seem like red wine is constantly on the news as the new cure-all, doesn’t it?

  • Ashley

    November 3, 2006 at 12:22 pm

    Wine = immortality. Excellent! I’ve suspected this all along…
    So what’ I’m getting from this entry is 1 – Drink copious amounts of red wine, 2 – Drive to voting station (sans driver’s license because ID isn’t required! I think) and 3 – Smoke a cigarette while voting as wolves howl outside of the voting booth?
    Sounds like a plan! Thanks, Alice! And I thought this weekend was going to be boring.

  • Brooke

    November 3, 2006 at 12:24 pm

    Those three mice look like they’re auditioning for Cinderella.
    Reversatrol? I think those scientists are dumbing it down for us. But I’ll take it if it means I can drink more.

  • Isabel Kallman

    Isabel Kallman

    November 3, 2006 at 12:36 pm

    Lizpres, thanks for the positive feedback– love it.
    And, thank you all for welcoming Alice so graciously today.

  • ShariMac

    November 3, 2006 at 12:40 pm

    I LOVE John Kerry. After this week’s disaster, I felt sick. Again. I can’t figure out how someone with such great ideals and intelligence keeps getting a public drubbing, while W somehow manages to skate through, in light of his track record, relatively unscathed. How, how does this keep happening?! Hang in there, JK! I love you, man!

  • Michelle

    November 3, 2006 at 12:46 pm

    LOL! Love this, Alice! So entertaining.

  • elise

    November 3, 2006 at 12:51 pm

    I’m not a mom, which certainly rules me out for becoming any sort of Alpha Mom, but –
    If you’re writing here, well, I’ll be reading here. Congrats on the gig!

  • palinode

    November 3, 2006 at 1:04 pm

    So good to see that Wonderland is up and running! I’ll be back many times during my working hours. Thanks for ruining my productivity, Alice. Thanks a lot.

  • julia

    November 3, 2006 at 2:29 pm

    I *do* loathe John Kerry, but not for what he said (since he didn’t say what they’re saying he did) but because he’s such a damned wuss that he won’t shout out, “HEY! I didn’t even say that! You’re changing my words!” Instead he’s actually apologizing for what he didn’t even say. It’s like ’04 all over again: him the with missing spine, me with the impotent rage. I wish he’d disappear off the face of the earth.
    And yes, it’s stunning to realize that IDs are not required at many voting sites! What the hell!?!

  • Sarah

    November 3, 2006 at 2:56 pm

    I just wanted to add my hurray to your new deal, Alice. Beautiful masthead and excellent writing, as always. Utterly readable!

  • Amy

    November 3, 2006 at 5:35 pm

    Finally! This is the best idea anyones had in a long time!!

  • Mauigirl52

    November 3, 2006 at 6:45 pm

    Hi Alice,
    I have to echo someone else’s comment that now I have yet another blog I must read! Seriously, it’s great, I’m enjoying it already and I can’t agree more about John Kerry. I wish he’d just go away. I did vote for him and I feel bad that he keeps getting himself in trouble but he is not helping our cause here! LOL!

  • Nyarly

    November 3, 2006 at 7:32 pm

    You are right. The mice are super cute.

  • Lisa V

    November 3, 2006 at 8:07 pm

    Yeah, I heard the red wine study too. Drinking that 100 glasses a day would have been just the teensiest big excessive, even in college. So I guess instead of living years longer, I just drink a glass or two and live maybe 14 minutes beyond my life expectancy.

  • alice

    November 3, 2006 at 8:53 pm

    But think of all you could do in that 14 minutes…

  • Jeana

    November 3, 2006 at 11:46 pm

    Looks like I need more wine. I misread this at first, and thought it said women are more prone to muffin tops, which of course has been proven in malls across America and also on Oprah.

  • Sarah

    November 4, 2006 at 11:32 am

    I do love my red wine. If you remember the cardinal rule – never ever cross your heart hope to die mix it with Cava – then the extra 14 minutes will be joyful and happy. Joyfully happy, happily joyful, not sad in other words.
    You know what else makes you healthy and live longer? Laughing every day. Three cheers for Alice – adding seconds to the lives of many!

  • Judi

    November 4, 2006 at 2:15 pm

    Awesome that you are posting here!
    Let’s see..Voting, yes I’ll be voting, but these days its so hard to know who to vote fore, It seems that you don’t vote on what the candidate stands for, you vote for which candidate has the best attack ads?
    MS & Redwine… The doctors think I may have MS, I don’t think so…Maybe the red wine heals MS as well? Also, Muhammad Ali also has MS.
    Post often!

  • alice

    November 4, 2006 at 2:36 pm

    Hi, Judi! I hope people vote on the issues and not the ads, but I’m sure some people do.
    Also, I believe Muhammad Ali has Parkinson’s.

  • Mom101

    November 4, 2006 at 7:59 pm

    Damn right I’m voting! Only thing is, I’m in New York where our votes actually stand a chance of getting counted. There are a few states I’m rather worried about (ahemcoughcoughohiofloridacough) but I’ll withhold the conspiratorial ranting until Wednesday morning.
    Great first column Alice – huge congrats!

  • Jennifer Weiss

    November 5, 2006 at 8:28 pm

    Excellent to read you in multiple places!
    The best thing about Kerry’s faux pas is that it will force him to drop any notion of running in ’08.
    Also how do you like the evangelical leader who only got a “massage” from the gay escort and threw the meth away before trying it…that’s a juicy tale!

  • Alexa

    November 6, 2006 at 9:07 am

    Because women are, as the smoking studies seem to suggest, such delicate flowers, perhaps we need EXTRA red wine? To fortify us?
    You continue to delight, Alice my dear.

  • jody

    November 6, 2006 at 10:46 am

    You gotta love the American G.I. That photo is simply priceless.
    Red, red wine works for me!

  • Suebob

    November 7, 2006 at 6:12 pm

    I came for the douching and brassieres and ended up staying for the general wonderfulness.
    Congrats on the new gig.

  • Meghan

    November 9, 2006 at 4:49 pm

    Does that mean that in 100 years women will rule the world? Will we be able to tell the would-be men from the authentic double X chromosome women? Because then we could totally make up for centuries of repression. And make them bear children! This is going to be great! Now if I can only make sure to live to be 135 years old…

  • Shannon

    November 12, 2006 at 9:09 pm

    Yeah – and what is it exactly that makes Kerry so unappealing? But he is just the same.
    And amen Mom101! I live in (ahemcoughcough) Florida and I can only say, thank heavens for Katherine Harris’s monumental perseverance (arrogance, stupidity, whatever), which saved the Senate from hanging on Florida!

  • AmyT of

    November 16, 2006 at 11:09 pm

    OMG I’m just so glad you are doing Wonderland. I knew you’d be amazing at Politics.
    I write about Diabetes — which is relevant to, um… about 41 to 62 million Americans, depending on how you count it. But I’m not nearly as eloquent as you, Alice. You go, girl! (or whatever the PC term is for encouragement these days… 😉