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The Emmys RAW by JenB

By Guest Contributor

kate_walsh_hot.jpgThe Red Carpet
Ellen and Portia de Rossi – Portia is gorgeous, yet could have another cheeseburger once in a while. Ellen is wearing jewelry! Wow. Did she get a stylist? Gucci suit! She she la la.
Kate Walsh is hot in that smoking red dress. I think the new spin off from Grey’s will be good. She seems very casual and nice and lovely. I wonder if she wants to be my friend in real life.
Why are they talking about Britney apologizing?!?! Man, I am sick of this. Poor dear.
Dennis Leary, doesn’t expect to win – Gandolfini will probably win. I honestly haven’t seen much of Rescue Me. He plays an asshole and it kinda’
bothers me. Dude, Leary is FIFTY! He looks good.
America Ferererrerr is beautiful. A job that is your passion. Oh *sniff*
I have mentioned it a million times, thank goodness for DVR so I can fast forward some of this crap. Who are these people interviewing the celebs?
milliam_h_muffman.jpgFilliam H. Muffman! Yay! Love them. She is THIN. Bony chest. I know I know, they are all thin in Hollywood, but the poor woman’s RIBS are visible.
Ooooo Emmys in “the round,” just like a Justin Timberlake concert. Who gives if the celebs are uncomfortable. As Mark (the husband) said, an under the seat cam, would be way worse.
That Julia Louis Dreyfus show is still on? Wow, To think I was surprised last year. She does look FAB though. The handbag was made for her dress? It doesn’t match.
I guess this is the ET crew “manning” the red carpet.
Steve Carrel – YAY! I heart him. Haven’t seen the Noah’s Arc movie though. “How are you holding up with all the success?” Oh for the love of frak. The success! IT’S HORRIBLE!
That show w/ Brad Garret and Joely Fisher is still on? That is why I need to watch the Emmys. Oh, and apparently yellow is hot hot hot. Good to know. Her dress is also spectacular.
Tony Shaloub! I love that show of his, umm, errr, it is hard to find here on our tv listings, but I remember enjoying it. That show *mumble*
I am sorry, TUXES = YAWN. Let the hot guys go shirtless for some variety.
Wayne Brady talking about the theater in the round. How interesting is this? Zzzzz. Just don’t pick your ginch out of your butt, the camera might see. OMG.
Yes, yes, you are all tree hugging Hummer driving celebrities, yes the carpet is made from plastic bottles and 6 scripts from Studio 60 *rim shot*….. Spare me.
Ohhhh, I am getting a FOX feed preview thing.
Omar Epps, bring down the enthusiasm, you are almost robotic. It is like he is a Roomba actor.
Marcia Cross. She has boobs! God bless breastfeeding. “Wisteria Lane, as much Drama as ever?” WHO WRITES THESE QUESTIONS?
Jane Krakowski has a smokin’ hot bod. 30 Rock. Umm ROCKS!
Hugh Laurie! I LOVE YOU! He did a cameo on Friends when Rachel goes to London to tell Ross she loves him. He was HI-larious. It is the episode where Ross says Rachel instead of Emily during his wedding vows. I watch Friends too much, WHAT OF IT?
Edie Falco, yes, it was the last year, but not HER best year for the Sopranos, I say nay to Edie. Alas, I think it will be a Sopranos love-in. OMG, she is joining 30 ROCK! Wow.
Eva Longoria I am so sick of you and your beautiful face and your wedding and your tall French husband, blah-de-blah -blah. I remember when you played a trampy slut on Young and Restless.
jon_stewart.jpgJon Stewart! (underwear change) I love him more every year. His wife is hot! Sooooo glad he is hosting the Oscars again.
Helen Mirren you classy classy bird! YOU ROCK! Great dress!
Personal aside: (Starving and waiting for pizza)
Rachel Griffiths was nominated? See, I like to be surprised, I didn’t read any of the nominations. I do like Brothers & Sisters though. Groovy cast. Sally Fields nominated too, awww. From Flying Nun to grandmother.
11 nominations for Ugly Betty? I watch it, but 11? I am almost finished watching Heroes Season 1 on DVD, and I mean that is a superlative show. WOW, really? 11 for Ugly Betty?
Katherine Heigl you Isaiah Washington-hating-skank you. Too bad you are so beautiful and I enjoy staring at you.
Accounting people are arriving! Yay! Zzzzzzzzzz
A third season of Prison Break? How long can you really break out for?
Best Reality show category makes me feel kind of dirrty.
Marishka Hargitay is lovely, and part of my Law and Order family.
I do loves me some beautiful dresses.
HOLY BANANAS AND SUGAR CAKES, Ryan Seacrest IS HOSTING? It is the 7th sign of the apocalypse.
I hate it when they let animated “actors” on award shows.
I heard Two and a Half Men is the #1 comedy in North America. 8th sign of the apocalypse.
So, we are serious about this Ryan Seacrest thing. Ooooh, it is on FOX entirely. Question answered.
OK, the in-the-round theatre thing is not working .
Don’t mock the fat kid from Two and a Half Men, that is mean.
The actress who plats the administrator lady from House is seriously beautiful.
Jeremy Piven is sexy, I think I have said that the last three years.
Fast Forwarding the suck up…. Ray Romano. Not a fan, sorry. Aaaannnd what are you doing here? *tap tap tap* Did they just censor him? Or am I going deaf? He is doing a monologue? Can I fast forward this? Zzzzzz.
Best Supporting Actor Comedy. KEVIN DILLON HUG IT OUT! Oooo Jeremy Piven. Rainn Wilson is pretty funny. I am satisfied with Piven winning, but would have preferred Dillon. Was Piven just sexing someone or did he just not comb his hair?
Vanessa Williams: F for Feathers and Failure.
Best supporting actor drama. I predict the gay mafia will make T.R. Knight win, but I love me some Masi Oka. Oh Shatner, you have redeemed yourself in so many ways since Star Trek. Terry O’Quinn might change my mind about tuxes, you creepy LOST weirdo. Fab speech tho.
Seacrest mocking Paula. Weeds. OMG!!
Tina Fey, gay marry me! Outstanding actress comedy – Jaime Pressley. I dunno, once you have been on MAXIM like 4 times, you lose cred for me. AND, bad dress. I hear My Name is Earl is a good show, but is doesn’t fit into my tv watching repertoire. Stop crying! Sheesh.
Kyle Chandler is hot, although I don’t watch his show either. Katherine “Its High-GIL not High-Gel”. Suck it.
Best supporting actor miniseries/movie – I have seen none of these.
Thomas Hayden Church. Hmm were all of these shows westerns? Gah.
Ellen all sparkly! I love a good montage. Although now I am all sad, with the in memoriam at the end.
sara_ramirez_hottt.jpgOutstanding Actress in a drama. Hmm Lorraine Bracco – yay! SANDRA OH! OH! OH!CHANDRA WILSON! YAY! Katherine Heigl wins. Hmpf. Still not sure how I feel about her. I think I will put her on-notice. Yes, they got your name right, that is SO important. Enjoy your Emmy girl!
That black thing hovering from the ceiling is like the Emmy Death Star.
Now they are just taunting me with the Two and a Half Men. Argh.
Outstanding writing. Colbert or Daily Show? Hmm Conan wins, and is surprised. As Am I.
I will be fast forwarding the Tony Bennett/X-tina thing.
I officially forgive Alec Baldwin for being mean. Outstanding Directing…..That Tony Bennett special.
My countryman Keifer! Love the red dress Ali Larter. Lead Actor mini/movie – Tom Selleck you gun loving nut. Robert Duval. Sorry, fast forwarding. Yes, he is a legend blah blah blah.
Queen Latifah, you are a hot mutha’ my Queen. Roots recap gives me shivers. Stop, or I will cry.
Best miniseries? Broken Trail? Where do they show these? I haven’t heard of any of them.
Oh Doogie, you have grown into such a fine young man. Bad dress for Hayden Panetierre as she looks a little preggers. Guest Actor Drama series….good contenders. Guest Actress..crap for what now? Did I miss the best guest actor? I swear I have not been drinking.
Best Director for Drama series, Sopranos guy. Fast forward… Best Writing David Chase. I. am. so. surprised. Not.
Steve Carrel *collective yay* So cute, panning to Jon and Colbert. Office montage: ha!
Outstanding music or variety. Sonny and Cher, Daily Show, Colbert, …
Daily Show! YAY! Always bittersweet since I love me some Colbert too. Rob Riggle in Iraq was AWESOME.
Outstanding Special…. I again, have never see any of these. Tony Bennett wins. Again, am aghast with shock. Or not.
Accounting is important to the Emmy process…… Zzzzz.
Mark Harmon is still handsome. Supporting actress mini series or movie….Judy Davis! I have loved her since she did the miniseries on Judy Garland.
OK ok wait wait wait. A “green” Emmys has Cadillac as a main sponsor. Hypocrisy or irony?
Mary Louise Parker – lookin’ good. Outstanding Made for TV movies. Have seen none. More Western genre lovin’.
WTF. Who are the Jersey Boys? Fast forward.
Personal aside: (Hey! Did I tell you I got a cell phone with a camera in it? I am unreasonably excited.)
Patrick Dempsey is hot. Period. Awww, Sally Fields, so cute. Lead Actress miniseries or movie. Helen Mirren wins! YAY! She did an ass load of Prime Suspects for this one. I totally want white chicklet Hollywood teeth.
OK, love Lewis Black, but the point of this rant within the Emmy telecast?
Cold Case hotness. OMG that red dress on the hot Cold Case lady! Wow. Miniseries, movie or dramatic special – directing. Prime Suspect. Same thing, but for writing…Prime Suspect. I bet my in-laws are celebrating with tea and biscuits, they love them some British shows on PBS.
Masi Oka, my Hiro! Hey MySpace creator, you pedophile enabling, skank proliferating, bad website making, music blaring pages, web guy! Al Gore = god, yeah yeah.
Individual performance in variety or music. Tony Bennett. HA! Poor Steven Colbert. Manilow, now this.
Guest actor/actress comedy series – Stanley Tucci, Elaine Strich. She was funny on 30 Rock. She is also awesome here. HA! Best Directing comedy – Ugly Betty wins.
Personal aside: (Pee break. Child kiss break.)
Best Writing Comedy – I think – The Office wins. Yay! Love 30 Rock as well. More funny is a good thing. I still miss Friends, don’t mock me!
Ok, I will cut Seacrest some slack. He isn’t horrible and is appropriately Self-deprecating.
I don’t “get” Kanye West, am I too white or too young? Rainn Wilson speaking Kanye lyrics is funny. I am losing my Emmy steam. Zzzzz. Kanye is a teeny tiny rap man.
Outstanding Reality competition – The Amazing Race is the only real show to me… and they win! YAYAYAYAY!
Seriously, thank goodness I can fast forward.
Jon Stewart perks me up! HAHA leaf blowing Colbert. Me = easily amused.
Lead Actor Comedy series – just no Charlie Sheenpleasseeeee. Ricky Gervais wins! Lovehim. But Carrel rushes the stage. HAHAHA aaaaahh
Hugh Laurie and Filliam H. Muffman Lead actress drama, I already saw on Twitter that Sally wins and y’all are pissed, but I think she does a lovely job on that show. I have never seen The Closer mind you. She is so cute. She looks great actually. They didn’t block her out on my broadcast. Oh, I lie, they bleeped out “goddamned war”. With the Emmy Death Star.
In Memoriam. What can I say?
Lead Actress Comedy…America Fererrerrr wins. Awww, I am happy for her and us fat chicks everywhere.
Kate Walsh really is smoking’ hot. Jimmy Smits is so-so. 🙂 Lead Actor in Drama – if James Gandolfini doesn’t win I will eat my shoe. Uh oh, James Spader? Hmm. Thankfully, not wearing shoes. I do like Boston Legal. Shatner – kills me.
30_rock.jpgBest Comedy Series… 30 Rock! WOW, I didn’t see that coming. I love YOU TINA!
Best Drama Series… HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES… The Sopranos wins. Well, I am ok with that. Especially since Gandolfini didn’t win.
Katherine Heigl, I have the hate on for you honey. Get that puss off of your face.
OK now, I am going to watch the last Heroes DVD of Season 1.
Photo Sources:
All photos are from
Kate Walsh – AP Photo/Chris Carlson
Felicity Huffman and William Macy – Jeff Vespa
Sara Ramirez – AP Photo/Chris Pizzello
You can follow JenB’s addicition to TV and tabloids at JenandTonic.

Guest Contributor
About the Author

Guest Contributor

We often publish pieces by guest contributors. If you’re interested in being one, please drop us a line at contact[at]alphamom[dot]com.


We often publish pieces by guest contributors. If you’re interested in being one, please drop us a line at contact[at]alphamom[dot]com.

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You crack me up. And I totally want to be friends with Kate Walsh, too.


I heart Kate Walsh, but I’m worried Private Practice won’t live up to the hype. We’re expecting greatness, & I hope we’re not disappointed.
I effing hate Jaime Pressley. She did an interview & went on & on about how much she hated being pregnant, because God forbid, it made her fat for a couple months.
And I’m happy Spader won. I think Boston Legal is one of the best shows on tv (and who would have thought we’d adore Shatner?).


I know what you mean about Shatner! There was one bit last season where he is talking about that book Oprah was shilling? The Secret? I died laughing. He is amazing. And also a fellow countryman.

Mrs. Kennedy

Seriously, Jen, you and Brian Byrne are in a class of your own with this stuff, I look forward to every awards show because of you doing this. I also hope you got paid. The end.

Mrs. Kennedy

GLAD you got paid, I mean. Oy.

Leaf, probably...

John Stewart is ORANGE. Like actually not-my-TV orange…