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Sex every day: would you do it?

By Alice Bradley

So every week, while I’m writing my Wonderland column, Scott asks me if there’s anything he can do to help. Every week I ask him what he could possibly do. Write it for me? Massage my feet while I write? Massage his own feet while he watches me write? Then he says “fine, whatever,” and stomps out of the room. (Maybe there’s not so much stomping. But he does seem miffed.)
This week I planned to write about the article in the New York Times about the two couples who embarked on every-day-sex marathons, and I thought that finally my husband could be useful. Finally! I figured Scott would be good for some insights, or at least some words that would fill up a screen. And so:
“Hey, sweetie, did you read the article in the Times about the couples who had sex every day?”
“I did. Why? Are we going to have sex every day?”
“Uh, no. I was just wondering what you thought. Because I’m writing my column about it, you see.”
“I see. We can have sex every day, if you want.”
“That really wasn’t what I was getting at.”
“I should shower.”
“We’re not having sex every day, Scott. I was asking your opinion. About the article.”
“Oh. I don’t know—it seemed pretty arbitrary. Like they just did it so they could say they did it. What did they get out of it, besides all that sex?”
A book deal, I think. “I think they felt closer, and, um, happier?”
“Oh, right. Sure. Still, it seems like a lot of pressure. Like when you’re trying to conceive, and you have to do it.”
“Except there’s not as much riding on it. Because you don’t have to achieve, you know, ultimate satisfaction.”
“That’s crazy. What would be the point? Unless you’re Sting.”
“Um, emotional intimacy?”
“That’s not sex, though– it’s exercise. Not to mention an exercise. In disappointment.”
“Not finishing negates the entire event?”
“I mean, maybe it’s different for you women…”
Things went downhill from there. (Note to readers: he was joking, with that last part.) We discussed what would be defined as “sex” (I will leave up to your imagination the cataloguing of acts that followed) , and there was a lot of giggling. We are not adults.
As for the article, yes, I can see that there’s a definite appeal to the idea. Besides the obvious, that is. Sex being, you know, enjoyable, and stuff. For one, committing to doing it every day eliminates the pressure to romance it up, every time; if it’s every day, every day doesn’t have to be a torrid lovefest. It can be mechanical and joyless. Also, brief. I’m talking you into this idea right now!
The all-or-nothing mentality of all this is very American of us, it strikes me. It’s like embarking on a monthlong juicing fast when all you need is a multivitamin. (And yes, I’m comparing sex to juicing. ) If your marriage is lacking a certain level of intimacy, can’t you just, you know, have sex a little more? Can’t you commit to spending more quality time together, or something?
Not that I’m trying to talk you all out of a grueling regimen of daily sex, if that’s what you think’s going to do the trick. If the plan makes you happy, who am I to tell you to come up with a new one? (And if you were already having sex every day without ever picking up the Sunday Times, who am I to tell you anything. Period.) But if the idea leaves you imagining yourself sore and cranky by day 30, all I’m saying is, I bet there are other methods of improving your relationship. Besides, the every-day-sex book has already been done. Twice. And now I’d like to introduce you to my new book: Take Him Up On All His Meaningless Offers of Assistance: A 30-Day Plan to Achieve Marital Bliss, and Make Him Do All the Work. Less sexy, definitely, but you’re sure to be a lot less tired by the end.
As always, I await your (sexy) personal experiences and opinions.

Alice Bradley
About the Author

Alice Bradley

Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.


Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.

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  • Liz C

    June 13, 2008 at 11:35 am

    I kind of see their point. If it were that easy to make those little incremental changes that we all ‘should’ make in our lives, then no one would have problems. A Grand Gesture like that might jolt folks out of their rut and help them think about things in a new way. Like when McD’s puts the Big Mac on sale for $1 for a couple of weeks before raising the price higher than before. People don’t remember the old price and accept the new price without whining.
    Also, for the most part, I’ve learned late in life that a half hour of… uh… intimacy at the end of the day doesn’t make me any more tired the next day. Sure, it’s hard to gather the mental energy to get going, but like anything else, once you get going it’s not so bad. 🙂
    BTW I was married for 28 years before divorcing 2 years ago so I have some experience in that whole long-term marriage thing. Now I’m one year in to a new relationship and have learned to do all sorts of things I had told myself I couldn’t or didn’t want to or were too hard to do. And I don’t mean that in a sexual way.
    Or do I? 😉

  • braine

    June 13, 2008 at 11:55 am

    “If the idea leaves you imagining yourself sore and cranky by day 30…” Wait…are we talking about NaBloPoMo?

  • SuburbanCorrespondent

    June 13, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    Okay, I read it. And just in time for Father’s Day! Hey, honey, unwrap this!
    I can’t even imagine the logistics. I mean, there are nights both my husband and I are so tired, neither of us is interested. Don’t these people have day jobs? And kids? Kids who run into their bedroom in the middle of the night (like ours did last night a mere one minute after…well…you know…), screaming that they have a headache? Do their children not get stomach flu, which requires one or the other parent to be up half the night scrubbing down walls and mattresses and doing laundry?
    I guess I really needed some more details. Maybe I should read the books.

  • only once?

    June 13, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    We do it once a day (sometimes more), and frankly we’d do it a lot more often if we didn’t have jobs or 2 kids.
    How often is normal?

  • Lilita

    June 14, 2008 at 9:24 am

    I read this out loud to my husband, because it was so funny, and when we got to the end, and I repeated what your husband had said “why, are we going to have sex every day?” he said, “that’s what I thought when you brought it up!” This story’s a universal male Rorschach, it appears!

  • Ariel

    June 20, 2008 at 10:53 am

    I’d happily have sex once a day. Or twice. But there are nights we are just happy to go to bed and cuddle too. We like sex with each other because we love each other but we connect in other ways too. So I’m not sure that having sex EVERYDAY just to DO it makes any sense for us…?

  • french panic

    June 23, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    What I thought was interesting about the NY Times article is that it seems to define “sex” as “intercourse” (maybe I sped-read it too quickly) and that same idea is echoed here when you ask if the idea of sex every day would leave you sore and cranky. (Though you also point out that you and your husband discussed what could be defined as sex, which I think is an important discussion to have with one’s partner – and with yourself!)
    It’s an interesting idea – but as Ariel points out – does it really makes sense to do it EVERY DAY? Sounds more like having sex would become like doing the dishes or scrubbing the toilet – yuck.

  • gotta love it

    June 23, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    My hubby and I have sex at least once a day, and we have a child and jobs and obligations. I’m rarely “too tired” to have sex, and neither is he. I love the intimacy and the chance to unwind after a long day.
    We’re only planning on an only child, so the sex we have is purely for enjoyment purposes (and not procreation…not that there’s anything wrong with that.) 😉
    Granted, before the kid came along, we’d have sex three times a day…so, we’ve definitely slowed down in our old age and domestification. 😉
    I say do what’s right for you. I can’t imagine not having that special time together.

  • jenB

    June 23, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Just THINKING about it makes me sore. Also concerned that I would miss more tv shows I like.

  • Lindaloohoo

    June 23, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    i try not to think of sex in terms of numbers.
    unless it’s the number of orgasms i manage to rack up in one session.
    now that’s a number i can get behind.
    has that book been done? if not, i call dibs.

  • ozma

    June 25, 2008 at 2:48 am

    I guess the only thing about sex every day is that we never thought about sex every day when we were having sex every day. Or more than once a day. So I don’t even want to think about why we would even have to have such a plan to have sex every day. God, what has become of us? That’s what I’d have to think about. And it’s not about sex, that thought. It’s about responsibility. Where did all this responsibility come from? Why must we have it? Will we always have it? And then I can’t stop thinking about how my house used to be clean and I had sex every day and I did all kinds of pointless crap–read novels and went to the movies. Hiking! I didn’t just have sex every day, I went hiking! If I thought about sex every day I’d be forced to think about whether this is it, forever and ever. All this work? Will we ever be able to retire so we can have sex every day? Probably not, on what we make. Well, maybe if we move to Burkina Faso.
    So this is why I choose not to think about sex every day.

  • Jessica

    June 25, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    If I had more sex than I have now I’d have to join a 12-step program. But we enjoy ourselves, and its not really about SEX (hehe she said sex) per say, but being close, both physically and emotionally. But its also nothing really planned. We don’t make a point to do it everyday, it just usually happens that way. I guess in our case we should do the opposite experiment and NOT have sex and see what would happen. I imagine lots of tears and frustration…

  • meemee

    July 22, 2008 at 4:39 am

    well i wish i could get sex everyday. The feeling of being close to my husband in that kind of way turns me on. Just thinking about the whole act itself gets me in the mood. There is nothing wrong with sex everyday. Plus I only do it when my kids are good and sleep never had a problem with them waking during the night ever besides infancy. wish i could have sex 3 times a day because I am horny all day everyday even dream about it in my sleep. Actually I am getting to be to much for my husband to handle. sex machine for life hehehe:):):) Just in case anybody wanted to know married 3 years 4 kids

  • Smiley

    July 31, 2008 at 7:17 am

    I tackled the challenge of sex every day with my husband. Thoroughly enjoyed myself!! Sadly after 10 days hubbie was absolutely knackered.
    Oh well at least I tried.