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The Unhappy Housewife-to-Be

The Unhappy Housewife-to-Be

By Amalah

It seems like several times a week my fiancé and I are having the same fight.

I stay at home with our 6 month old daughter and he works 12+ hours a day. I breastfeed and she’s just started on solid foods. She’s now teething and I’m finding house work even harder to accomplish. Our house isn’t exuberantly messy but laundry isn’t always put away, there’s usually some dishes and I dont know how to keep all surfaces completely dusted or wiped down all while breastfeeding, calming an upset teething baby, diapers, play time…she gets bored so easily then screams because she’s bored. I cook dinner maybe once a week but according to him I’ve never cooked dinner at all.

So the argument ends up being – “I could do your job of cleaning the house in 30 minutes, cooking is EASY, and that I’m essentially inadequate at being a house wife in general.”

I feel like it stems from him having his mom on this pedestal. She raised 4 boys, always had dinner ready, house was always spotless and according to him she did it without the help of anyone. The fact that I’m often compared to her and never measure up has made me start to resent her and refuse to ask how she did it. She also didn’t breastfeed so chalk that up to extra time she must have had.

At the end of the day I know I’m a fantastic mom. My girl is so loved and so well taken care of and aside from teething she’s a very happy baby.

My question is…how do I do it all? I love my fiancé. For the most part he’s one of the sweetest kindest men and a great father. However we’re not a team. He doesn’t clean; he will not clean and when he’s home the baby is still primarily all my responsibility. His mother picked up after him before me and now the job is mine. Which I don’t mind he works so ridiculously hard to provide for us. I just don’t know how to do it all or how anyone could without running themselves ragged.

How do I keep my house to his standards, make sure bills are sent out, cook dinner, and make sure my baby girl isn’t screaming to the point of madness while I attempt to get things done?

So disagreements between out-of-the-home-working/stay-at-home parents over household division of responsibilities is a very, very common problem. But it has the potential to become a very serious one, especially considering the details you’ve included here. Imma jump to the end conclusion, which is that you guys need couples counseling.

I personally don’t like your fiancé’s outdated 1950s-like expectations of you and his job vs. EVERYTHING ELSE approach to dividing up household responsibilities. I get the long work hours but when he’s home, it’s still HIS home and HIS baby. It’s disrespectful that he not only won’t pitch in to clean, it sounds like he actively creates messes/clutter with the full expectation that you’ll pick up after him — even while he’s ALSO actively criticizing the way you do it. Meanwhile, he won’t help with your daughter so great! You’re basically living with two babies. A job and a paycheck do not automatically a full-fledged grown-up make, unfortunately.

If this were a roommate-type living situation, that B.S. would not fly, 12+ hours of work or otherwise. He’d be expected to contribute to the shared household maintenance/gruntwork just like everybody else. Again, entirely disrespectful that because you’re his fiancé (or more likely, a woman), he can completely check out from cleaning up dinner dishes or doing a load of laundry every once in awhile. I mean, damn, if he can “clean the house in 30 minutes”…well, go right ahead, Guy Who Doesn’t Ever Clean Yet Is Some Kind Of Cleaning Wizard! I’ll set the stopwatch. See how that works out.

And no, I don’t believe for a SECOND that his memories of his mother are completely accurate, or even applicable to your situation right now. But you’re going to need some help from a neutral third party on that one. For some reason I have a sneaking suspicion that he was later in the four-kid birth order, has no real memory of what things were like when there was a newborn or very young baby around. He has NO idea what it’s actually like to care for a baby full-time. (And you’re right, breastfeeding anchors you in one place, to your baby, and is very time-consuming. As is modern-day parenting where we don’t just keep the baby in a swing or playpen for hours at a time.) But as you’ve discovered, you can have this exact argument over and over again, and you will lose every time. Mommy was ALWAYS perfect, and you ALWAYS fail to live up to his impossibly unrealistic standards.

Make no mistake, that sort of thinking is TOXIC to a relationship, with or without a child involved. Do not marry this man unless he agrees to couples counseling.

As for your final sentence/question: You’re in the trenches right now, and you’re stuck with an incredibly unsupportive partner. Most of us need a year or even more to really find our footing and balance between caring for our child and…all that other stuff. Most of us these days DO have some kind of help during the first year — be it family members close by, a cleaning service every once in awhile, paid childcare, getting groceries delivered, relying on at least one of the 9745692034 bajillion apps out there to make our lives a little easier. And there’s nothing WRONG with needing (or just plain wanting) help. His mother doesn’t “win” anything because she didn’t.

(See: progress, feminism, evolving gender roles, and the fact that spotless houses do not automatically equal happy, well-adjusted childhoods. And obviously his mother missed a couple important parenting tasks along the way, like raising a grown man who doesn’t need or expect someone else to “pick up after him.” Guess she was too busy doing housework.)

At a bare minimum, most of us get help with all this stuff…from our partner. Or at least we get some understanding from our partner that it really, really isn’t the end of the world if the laundry sits unfolded for a couple days.

When your daughter is older, it does get easier. You tackle the laundry on Monday, pay the bills on Friday, make dinner while she watches Sesame Street, etc. Partner helps with the dishes because he helped make them dirty, helps with bath/bedtime because that’s part of being a good father, you both refrain from criticizing and nitpicking because you’re a family and a team. And because he respects the hard work YOU do. But it sounds like you guys are going to need more than just the passage of time to get to that state. Get some counseling and break this argument cycle ASAP.

Amalah
About the Author

Amy Corbett Storch

Amalah

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Ama...

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy’s daily mothering adventures at Amalah. Also, it’s pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

If there is a question you would like answered on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to [email protected].

Amy also documented her second pregnancy (with Ezra) in our wildly popular Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to rising first-grader Noah, preschooler Ezra, and toddler Ike.

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Allison
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Allison

Oh wow. If my husband ever implied that I was supposed to keep the house spotless, kids happy, and food on the table, I would leave for a weekend while he got to do it all and then see if his tone changed. He may work 12 hour days, but you are a mom 24/7! It doesn’t end! He needs to appreciate that you do so much, just like you appreciate that he does so much. If this doesn’t change you will build up so, so much resentment at him.

Julia
Guest
Julia

I second Amy’s advice on couples counselling. Being compared to his mother for anything is just going to create a toxic relationship. I stay at home with our 14 month old son and my husband works 12 hour days and travels often for work and we live four hours away from any family.  Our house is by no means clean; laundry sits for days, dishes sit in the sink until morning, things get vacuumed when I get to it etc. I mean, the house isn’t a toxic dirty mess but it isn’t going to win any awards.  My husband however,… Read more »

Stephanie
Guest
Stephanie

I see this scenario play out with my cousin and her husband. He’s a “big shot” lawyer, who really thinks his job is to make the money and her job is to do everything else. Her dad (my uncle), who lives several hundred miles away, comes up on a regular basis to take care of things around the house that her own husband won’t do. I don’t get it, but if she won’t put her foot down on what the division of responsibilities is, there’s nothing I can do about it. It sounds like you need to do the same,… Read more »

Myriam
Guest
Myriam

My advice in situations like this is always the same. Leave him with the baby for about 2-3 hours, and not at nap time. Feed her and go for “an appointement”. Leave him with a 1-2 items to-do list. See how he feels after. And yeah, go to couple’s therapy…

Myriam
Guest
Myriam

You can also take-a-day-off when you don’t do any of the things you usually do during the day (cook for you and the baby, but not him), don’t do laundry, don’t do dish, etc. It might help him visualise how much you really are doing…

Ros
Guest
Ros

I totally did that while on maternity leave (Quebec: year-long leave). I had a 6-month-old child who needed entertainment and wanted to be held (and would ONLY sleep if she was touching someone), and I was starting to hear snarky comments about housework and dinners and laundry. So I had 3 appointments in one day, and left him with the baby. Came home to a crying child (she was tired and had refused to nap). Complete mess of a house. No laundry done, no dishes done, no dinner ready. I actually looked at him and said ‘oh, I’ve had such… Read more »

Myriam
Guest
Myriam

I’m in Montreal! Hello “neighbor”!

Jeannie
Guest
Jeannie

I’m going to throw a spanner in the works here: IMO, when one partner works 12 hour days outside the house, then yeah, I agree that 90% of the work to keep the house going belongs to the other person. And I’m speaking as someone who has done the SAHM thing, with both one and two kids. In fact I wanted to do that, because I knew how hard my husband was working so I could be at home.  Having said that: it takes A LOT of time to look after a baby, and A LOT of time to find… Read more »

S
Guest
S

YES! Same here. Totally supportive partner who does so, so much (and current SAHM working only 15 hours per week from home) but I think part of the SAH job is to help the FAMILY. So get some laundry done! 

Kay
Guest
Kay

So here’s a question: if you were also working 12-hour days and your daughter was in daycare, would he help you? Is the issue that keeps him from helping really the 12-hour days, or is it that he’s a man and you’re a woman so it would always be your job to take care of the child and the home no matter what? If it’s the latter, please really think about the impact this attitude is going to have on your daughter. It goes beyond her seeing her grown mom tackling 100% of the duties at home. If his nitpicky,… Read more »

Kim too
Guest
Kim too

I was willing to cut you some slack, right up to the last sentence.  The OP is not sounding resentful.  She’s TRYING.  And hey, hurray for you if you were able to keep up, but you are not her and you don’t have her baby, so stop with the “get some laundry done”.
It’s not helpful.

nicole
Guest
nicole

Does your husband have any vacation days available? I would suggest he take some, even one, and shadow you for the day. Anytime you are nursing, he has to sit with you. Play with the baby, change the baby, cuddle the baby. All of it. Let you get out and take a quick break. It may open his eyes to what daily life is actually like better than trying to explain it. I know counseling is not always a realistic option for many couples. Help him see your perspective, then both commit to being a team with a common goal.… Read more »

Lindsey
Guest
Lindsey

I’d like to chime in here, since I work full time and until quite recently my husband stayed home full time with our daughter. He was home with her from the time she was 6 months until she was 18 months, and now he works 1-2 days a week. I have a longish commute, and I’m out of the house 11+ hours a day. When my husband was home full time, he did the grocery shopping, paid the bills, and did 90% of the laundry. He would fix sandwiches or tacos for dinner probably 3 nights a week. I got… Read more »

Lindsey
Guest
Lindsey

After reading a couple other comments I think I’m going to keep talking 🙂 I agree with other commenters, this sounds like a guy who would insist that the baby and house are your responsibility whether you worked or not, just because those are a woman’s duties. If you marry him, think down the road to when your kid(s) are in school and you decide to go back to work. If you let him establish now that childcare and housework are 100% your problem, will that change if and when you return to work someday? You don’t want to let… Read more »

H
Guest
H

OH man, I feel for you. My husband and I both work full time so we split household duties but I always genuinely wonder how SAHMs do it all. Last night I tried to get dinner started before my husband got home and my son (14 months) was super fussy and wanted to be held the whole time I was chopping veggies. I really don’t think women can (or should for sanity) try to do it all. I think the bottom line is he needs to be more involved. Either by helping with household duties or by watching your daughter… Read more »

Rachel
Guest
Rachel

So to chime in here, my husband was raised by a single mom and so has *no* gender-specific expectations of division of labor and is usually very very helpful. We own our own company and both work from home but I do about 20 hours a week and he does about 70-80 hours/week with the expectation that he needs to be on calls a lot so needs complete focus and attention whereas I do more back-office stuff that can get done whenever or is ok to do upstairs where the baby is being loud. Whenever he has gotten frustrated or… Read more »

Maggie
Guest
Maggie

Sounds like the man I married – his mother made his bed every morning and picked up his clothes off the floor and “magically” made them reaapear clean and folded in his drawers. He didn’t even clear his own dishes off the table after eating, nevermind wash them. Never cooked a meal in his life. Its a cultural thing and it’s difficult to change someone’s thinking, but I am slowly working on it. He vaccuums now, and takes out the garbage, and will, if asked specifically, do a small childcare task like change a diaper. He just doesn’t see any… Read more »

IrishCream
Guest
IrishCream

Work is work. He’s working 12-hour days at his job; you’re working 12-hour days at yours. Any remaining housework and childcare duties that fall outside of those hours should be split evenly between both parents. I make 1.5 times what my husband does but I sure as hell don’t insist on only doing 40% of the chores, and he’d never pull that stunt on me if the roles were reversed. And if he won’t clean and he won’t do any of the hard work of parenting…he may be a loving father and a “fun dad,” but I’m sorry, he is… Read more »

Katie
Guest
Katie

Agree with others on counseling and letting him spend the day alone with his daughter to see how much he can “accomplish”.

But for your own sanity, I would suggest trying out a few baby carriers. That way your daughter can stay close to you while you do whatever the F you want to do, whether that’s treating yourself to a manicure, taking a walk or doing a load of laundry.

Allison
Guest
Allison

Another SAHM (looking for a part time job, but at home for the past 6mo) with a 12+ hr a day working husband who does nothing.  A husband who doesn’t clean up after himself lives in a messy house, no matter how much or how little his wife works.  My husband chooses mess and I chose him, but only people who do the cleaning get to have opinions on the messiness of the house.  Plus, when he gets home and on the weekends, my husband still finds time to be the one responible for our daughter.  Did he want to… Read more »

Melanie
Guest
Melanie

I agree that you need couples counseling ASAP. I stay home with two kids and do take on the majority of household tasks, but my house is a disaster zone at times. As I type this I have two loads of laundry on the couch that need folded and I really don’t know how long it’s been since I vacuumed. While I don’t expect my husband to come home and start folding he also doesn’t complain. He gives the girls a bath at night while I get dinner cleaned up and the last of the toys. If cleaning gets too… Read more »

s
Guest
s

Do something about it now before you do something about it later. I heard it constantly and one day I’d had enough. I up and left and he realized how much I did. He sees his kid *maybe* 4 hours a MONTH by his own choice and still does nothing else. Disposable dishes. Eating out.
Meanwhile i still do everything i was before and then some but am no longer being told i do nothing all day long.
Good luck.

Jodie
Guest
Jodie

While I agree that the parent staying home should shoulder most of the family administrative tasks (and did when I was at home with my kids), only up to a reasonable level.  While your husband has 12 hour days, he does get to come home.  What he’s asking is that you have 24 hour days – no bueno. My husband and I recently went through a tough spell where I felt I was shouldering far too much family administration (we both work/commute the same time.)  I ended up opening a shared google form that we both slotted in anything we… Read more »

Wallydraigle
Guest
Wallydraigle

Anyone who has ever asked a human child if her room is clean and been told “yes” with great sincerity will understand why most of us remember our houses being clean when we were kids. Kids have no idea what “clean” means. I tell my kids to clean their room, they go in there and move things around for ten minutes, and look! There’s (almost) nothing on the floor, Mom! It’s super clean! Nevermind the piles of toys on the dresser and nightstand. They genuinely don’t get it. I’m a SAHM with two kids. While my husband is at work,… Read more »

Wallydraigle
Guest
Wallydraigle

And let’s not forget the emotional exhaustion that comes with keeping tiny humans alive all day. I don’t think working outside the home and staying at home with the kids can be compared in a quantifiable manner. They’re totally different. But emotional exhaustion is the big one. Everyone has had a horrible coworker or boss, and that can be pretty bad. But you don’t have to lovingly wipe your coworker’s butt or prepare you evil boss a delicious snack. You clock out and leave them behind, and you never have to worry whether or not your face-to-face time was nurturing… Read more »

Anna
Guest
Anna

Oh girl…. First of all, practical get thru tomorrow advice: get yourself a carrier or sling. And at this age I put a pack n play with some Tupperware and random fun for baby things in it in the kitchen so I could load the dishwasher or do something, anything!!!, without my kiddo flipping out. Music helps a lot too for some reason it always kept him happier a bit longer. Your fiancé… Girl! YOU work 24/7. So his 12 hour work day can kiss my ass. He gets to get up in the morning, shower, get dressed and eat… Read more »

Susie
Guest
Susie

I like you. Your written voice sounds a lot like mine. I’m going to plaster this advice across the walls once my next one is born, because I suspect that I’ll forget a bit once the next kid is born…

Anna
Guest
Anna

Well thank you! My second is due to arrive in 10 weeks and I will be plastering my own advice 🙂 Good luck to you! 

Jennyroo
Guest
Jennyroo

This was my life. It breaks my heart to read it. I had three babies (and two miscarriages) in five years… and every night I would dread my husband coming home because he would have nothing good to say and could only criticize how the house looked. I also worked full time after my (Canadian) one year maternity leaves. If I worked my butt off to get the dishes washed, he would make comments about how they weren’t put away. If I pushed through three loads of washing, he would comment if there was a pile of laundry waiting to… Read more »

Gabs
Guest
Gabs

I’m sorry you dealt with that. I’ll tell you one thing that might, maybe, someday help comfort you: he would’ve left no matter what, he just chose to make it seem like it was your fault. If he had really wanted to be there, he would’ve worked on it; instead, he took the coward’s way out and made you the scapegoat. You deserve better than that, and I hope that with some counseling, you can come to realize that you are worth that.

IrishCream
Guest
IrishCream

You sound like an awesome mom and a really good partner, and your ex sounds like he did not deserve you one bit!

MR
Guest
MR

Wow. Yeah, I agree with all the previous commenters. If my husband ever said anything like “I could do all that in 30 minutes!” my only reply would be, “Go ahead. I’d like to see that!” His expectations are completely unreasonable. My husband has had schedules where he worked 6 12 hour days for months at a time, and he had an hour commute each way. He would come home, eat, and go to sleep before repeating it all the next day. He would not comment on the state of the house, because he didn’t care as long as he… Read more »

MR
Guest
MR

I forgot to add, the morning prep is crucial, because those days that fall apart always get worse as the day goes on. At least if you have prepped stuff in the am, there is more a chance of being able to throw the stuff on the stove to cook, or whatever, in the evening. But expecting to be able to prep AND cook in the evening is just unreasonable in the evening with a baby. That’s the witching hour(s).

K
Guest
K

Wow. Poor OP. I don’t know how SAHMs do it. I really don’t. I stayed at home for maternity leave and one brief period in between jobs, and here’s what happened: our house was messy. I didn’t always cook the best food. Our baby was alive though, and quite happy. So. THE BABY IS ALIVE AND QUITE HAPPY. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about marriage is that it’s not actually 50-50. It’s never split down the middle. There are periods of time that I have given more than 100% to my partner, when he was only capable… Read more »

Julie
Guest
Julie

I agree with everyone here! I wanted to added this fantastic article about why husbands criticize stay at home moms. It talks about the idea that his mom was a “perfect” mother and a lot of other topics you mentioned!

 http://www.drpsychmom.com/2015/07/16/why-men-criticize-their-sahm-wives/

Alison
Guest
Alison

When my daughter was a baby, my husband once offered to take care of her for a whole day so I could have a day off. I asked if he could also get up with her during the night, so I could also get a full night’s sleep. He said he couldn’t do that because then he would be too tired to take care of her the next day. I just stared at him and finally said, “what do you think I’ve been doing for the last ten months?”

Many many men just do not get it.

Janna
Guest
Janna

My husband grew up in a supremely patriarchal society, i.e. his mom didn’t pick up or clean or cook because the maid, house cleaner and cook did those things and the gardener did the rest. His brother has two kids and brags daily that he’s never changed a diaper. My husband **thought** going into marriage/baby that an ideal situation was zero effort on his part but what he has found is that you get out what you put in. My daughter is now 2 1/2 and he has discovered for himself that the more time and effort he puts into… Read more »

Holly W.
Guest
Holly W.

Agree with allll the comments, for sure. Wanted to chime in on the MIL “my house was always clean when I was a kid.” In my husband’s case…it was true. He had older sisters when he was born – 7 and 4, and his mom was always a SAHM. And she just…spends every moment of every day cleaning. She shampoos the carpets every couple of weeks, literally. He never did a lick of laundry, had to put a dish in teh dishwasher, etc., in his LIFE. He went from living with her to living with his sister, to living with… Read more »

Abby
Guest
Abby

So sorry you are going through this OP. I am also a sahm, and it was a shock to me how difficult it was to balance caring for a newborn with all the other household duties. But like others here, my husband never once judged me and pitched in wherever he could when he was home. He was working 10 hr days for most of our baby’s first year, and he was helping me with night wakings, cooking, paying bills, changing diapers, and more. You deserve better. You really do, OP. It would be good to try couple’s counseling, but… Read more »

Laura A
Guest
Laura A

When I quit my job to stay home with our baby, my days started looking a lot like yours – I was breastfeeding and pumping (yay low milk supply) 80% of my day, and had a baby that would wail if I was more than 3 feet away. So I sat on the couch with her for at least 6 months, with short, stressful trips to the bathroom or microwave while my child screamed in her bassinet. You know what my husband did after a full day of work and a 3 hour commute? He took the wailing baby off… Read more »

CeeBee
Guest
CeeBee

There’s a saying that says you can only have two of these three things: 1) Kids 2) Sanity 3) A clean house. As far as the baby goes: read Janet Lansbury’s blog. I wish I’d found her when my two were infants. She has a lot of advice on how to make your child content while you: pee, eat a meal, get out of the barf covered shirt, etc. And for all of the advice books/websites/etc., I’ve ever read…. her advice always works. Always! I’m not a huge fan of her tone, almost like parents are the most detrimental thing… Read more »

S
Guest
S

He sounds like he’s being insensitive, but I bet it’s stemming from frustration and legitimate questioning what you’re doing. So here’s where I am going to be blunt, too. You mention only one singleton with no special needs and you mention no part-time work. You really should split the chores evenly, which is most definitely not 50/50, and certainly closer to 90%, while you’re not working. For now, his job now is to earn money for the family, yours is to take care of family needs. Once you return to the workforce, you’ll split it 50/50 or otherwise evenly, depending… Read more »

MD
Guest
MD

Hmm. Correct me if I am wrong, but you sound like someone who has never had a baby or maybe the paying-job half of a couple with a baby? Or maybe you are a mom who had one of those miraculous babies who was happy to be “popped off your boob” after 20 minutes so you could get stuff done. Whatever the case, there is a real lack of understanding for what most new moms go through in your comment.  For the 12 hours the OP’s husband is at work, taking care of her baby is 100% her responsibility. For… Read more »

S
Guest
S

Thank you for your assessment. I am a SAHM with twins, no childcare, I work part time from home, and my children have special needs. I don’t have a child who was happy to be popped off the boob initially, but neither could I be a pacifier and not get to eat. I got real and made it happen anyway, popping the kid off so that I could pump for the baby who was unable to breastfeed and then did what I could around the house. Nutrition from breastfeeding comes in the first 15 minutes, any more is comfort that… Read more »

MD
Guest
MD

Sorry for mis-judging you, S. I feel like a jerk! I don’t think she is depressed, though. She is bonded to her baby, her baby is well cared for, and her house is suitably clean. It sounds like the problem is that in spite of this, her husband tells her she is inadequate. That is external criticism, not internal criticism that you find in people with depression. 

Abby
Guest
Abby

I don’t think she’s depressed at all. Babies are different. I could not get anything done around the house when my newborn was napping because she was a crazy light sleeper and our house was small with thin walls. I wasn’t good at cooking or meal planning to begin with, so how could I be awesome at it while juggling a newborn’s needs by myself? The newborn’s needs should come first and no sahm should feel guilty about the other crap. It will get done eventually somehow. Please don’t feel obligated to do 90% of the chores every day. Thats… Read more »

Call Me Jo
Guest
Call Me Jo

I agree 100% with Amy. One additional suggestion I would like to offer is baby wearing. It can be a lifesaver for simultaneous snuggles and getting things done, plus many options make it possible to breastfeed at the same time. I didn’t wear our son often around the house, but when I did it was because he wasn’t feeling well and was being extra demanding and I needed to get things done. 

Amanda
Guest

Not chastising or condoning any behavior or lifestyle choices, just thought I’d offer my input on how I manage my very opinionated exclusively breastfed 4 month old. Baby wearing. My child likes to be up where she can see things and likes to have those things change pretty regularly. She doesn’t quite of the tummy muscles to keep her in the seated position, so she gets very frustrated very quickly. She can abide her play gym for about 10 minutes, ditto the exersaucer, bouncy seat, bumbo, etc. While 10 minutes may seem like an eternity in baby taking care of… Read more »

Jenn
Guest
Jenn

I had a husband like that. I now have an ex-husband like that. Years and years of begging and pleading and trying to make it work, but I got nothing in return. I worked full-time and with an hour-long commute each way there just weren’t enough hours in the day to do housework. He would come in from work and go straight to the couch, falling asleep out there with the TV and lights on, not lifting a finger to do anything. My father stepped in to take care of the house repairs, my mother stepped in to help prepare… Read more »

Kim too
Guest
Kim too

Here’s the thing that most people don’t think about, particularly if they’ve never stayed home with a small child: when you live in your house all day long, it gets dirty. Before kids, most of us wash dishes maybe once a day, clean the kitchen after dinner, run some water in a cereal bowl, and when we come home after work (where most lily, other people are doing the actual cleaning), their house is the way they left it.  When you have people linking there 24/7, the house is constantly being used, and messes happen, and there is no one… Read more »

Mmmmmmpie
Guest
Mmmmmmpie

I completely realize that this is not the point and yes, I am overly sensitive BUT. Just because I don’t breastfeed doesn’t mean that I have some magical chunk of time accumulating to do chores in. I still have to hold and feed the baby. Yes, if someone else were here, they might be able to do it, but like a lot of SAHMs, it’s just me and the baby most of the time. Sooooo, yeah. Not “nursing” doesn’t = free time.

kefi18
Guest
kefi18

My husband is constantly guilty of not cleaning up after himself (and not because his mom did it for him! Total opposite, he grew up in nasty living conditions with his alcoholic parents smoking cigarettes in the house, so everything was dingy and stinky and they didn’t care if the house was clean or not), and he just doesn’t really think about straightening up unless I ask him to do very specific things, and even then they generally don’t get done without me nagging and asking him a million times. So if I’ve asked him to do something a zillion… Read more »