How Not to Play Your Toddler’s Nighttime Games

Hi Amy,

I hope you can help me. My 2 year old has always been a good sleeper. Recently, for two months now, she won’t sleep in her own bed and wakes in the middle of the night to come to mine. Before, she used to call out to me and when I didn’t go, she would cry. I would go and pat her back but I stopped and now she gets out of bed to mine.

Sometimes she will climb in and stay awake singing and wanting to chat. I ignore her but I’m wide awake for the whole night.

Lately I have tried putting her back into bed and say goodnight and leave, she was sobbing all night (me too!)

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t talk to her during the night, at bedtime we have a story, soft music, a kiss and then I leave. She protests but does fall asleep. I have a reward chart up but she doesn’t care about that at 3 a.m.

I’m scared and feel like she shouldn’t be sleeping in my bed?

Please help with any advice!

The key here is consistency.

Whatever you chose to do, that’s just what you have to do, night after night, until this habit is broken and/or you land on a compromise that at least gets you a decent night of sleep. By responding differently each time — sometimes going to her room, sometimes not, sometimes allowing her into your bed, sometimes not, etc. — you’ve turned this into a little nightly game she gets to play.

But the game doesn’t have very clear rules on your end, so she’s figured out that she can just rolling the dice (so to speak) night after night until she gets the desired result. Which is “sleeping” in your bed. Or…not sleeping. More like keeping everybody awake and miserable. Which: No, thank you, sweet child.

So you have to decide what you want and what your expectations are.

Option A: If you don’t want her sleeping in your bed — a totally fair and a realistic ask of a previously excellent sleeper — then you’re going to have to spend a few more nights enforcing that rule, even if it results in tears. Consider it late-stage sleep training.

Here’s what you should do now:

1. Keep leading her back to her bed, say good night, and leave.
2. Rinse and repeat, as many times as necessary.

You’re not being cruel or capricious here: You need sleep! SHE needs sleep! Healthy sleep habits, healthy child, healthy and happy and mentally sane mom, etc.

Provided you hold firm and respond consistently, she’ll eventually get the point. She’ll realize she’s not winning the game anymore, and will lose interest in playing.

Option B: If you decide that it’s not actually worth the sobbing and the hassle and don’t mind having her spend 3 a.m. on in your bed, that’s fine too — this might just be a phase that she’ll outgrow on her own. Or, if you make being in your bed as BORING as possible, the allure of “winning” her spot in your bed will wear off after a few nights of zero Mommy attention/cuddling/back-to-her-own-bed song-and dance/etc.

Here’s what you should do if you let her stay in your bed: 

1. If she’s in your bed, the chatting and the singing has to stop.
2. Your bed is for sleeping. Either she sleeps (and lets YOU sleep), or she gets sent back to her bed.

I admit I personally make the occasional exception and end up with a kid in my bed at night — typically only for nightmares and illness. (Sometimes it’s just easier to just tend to an ear infection or stomach bug that way.) But that’s it, and once you’re in my bed, you’re totally silent and still and you go back to sleep. You start kicking me or thrashing around or talking or singing or anything like that, you go back in your own bed. I think this is a totally fair and realistic ask of your daughter. Your bed, your rules.

Ditch the Reward Chart

But either way, ditch the reward chart with a clear conscience, because yeah, she totally doesn’t care about that at 3 a.m. It’s not the prize she’s looking to win from this game. But by responding consistently, one way or another, you can make it clear that you aren’t playing anymore. And that makes the game boring! She might as well just go back to sleep, honestly.