Stages of Grief vis-à-vis Grounding the Teenager
One of my teenage sons is grounded. Possibly for the rest of his natural born life, which might end up being quite short. Ooops, I think that was me slipping back into the anger stage there for a moment.
I have discovered that the stages mean completely different things to parents and teenagers, and that moving through the stages occurs at different speeds.
I. Upon getting caught
Teenager: Anger
I can’t believe I got caught. I never thought my parents would find out that I (insert here the appropriate offense, i.e. skipped school, failed a class, crashed the car, burned the house down…). It is all their fault for butting into my business.
Parents: Denial
Oh no, he didn’t. He really didn’t do that. Not my child! It must have been one of his friends. They made him do it. I knew they were a bad influence.
II. Everyone quickly moves on to Stage Two.
Teenager: Denial
This can’t be happening. I’m not really grounded from everything. My parents are just exaggerating. Really? Are they actually going to make me stay home? I didn’t even do anything that bad. They’ll forget all about it soon.
Parents: Anger
How can my teenager be so stupid! I want to grab him and shake him. Shake some sense into him. Or better yet, military school. I want to walk around yelling all day long, that is how angry I am. In fact, I think I will do just that!
III. Characterized by lots of unproductive yelling, eye rolling and stomping
Teenager: Anger
Oh my GOD, they are making me stay home.It’s no fair!
It’s all their fault for grounding me! That’s the problem. My friends have done worse things and their parents haven’t grounded them. What am I supposed to do? Stay in the house all day every day? I have the worst parents ever. I am going to stomp around all day. Slam things. And if my siblings even look at me I am going to yell at them. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! My younger siblings always have iCarly on tv. I hate iCarly.
Parents: Still Angry
Are you kidding me? You are angry at us for grounding you? You know who you should be angry at? Yourself, that’s who! Unbelievable! Who is this child?
IV. The stage that feels like it will never end
Teenager: Bargaining
If you just let me go out with my friends tonight I promise I’ll never do it again. Can’t I please just have back my phone? I’ll stay grounded from everything else for a month more if you just let me have back my phone. Two months? Can I just do some chores around here instead?
Parents: Swing back and forth between Anger and Bargaining and Depression like a person with rapid cycling manic depression:
Depression: I am the worst parent ever. Only kids with bad parents get in trouble.
Anger: That boy had better stop asking not to be grounded. What part of No does he not understand? He obviously does not feel the least bit remorseful. Where is the website for military school?
Bargaining: Dear Lord I will do anything if You give me the strength to not beat this teenager.
Depression: Military school is so expensive.
Deeper Depression: Those kids on iCarly never get in trouble! And they don’t even have parents.
V. Characterized by a lack of yelling and a resolution of anger
Teenager: Depression
I’m just going to stay in my room all day. Only getting up to eat. There’s no reason to shower. Is there even a world outside this house anymore? I will lay in bed and play sad songs on my guitar. I’m just going to ignore my siblings. Am I really sitting here on the couch watching iCarly? Is this what my life has become?
Parents: Acceptance
Okay, my child’s behavior is not always a direct reflection of me and my parenting skills. Kids sometimes do stupid things for no reason. And actually I do kind of like him.
VI. A Return to Somewhat Normal
Teenager: Acceptance
I might as well just learn to like sitting inside the house, watching tv with my 6 yr old brother. Huh,what do you know. iCarly is kind of funny.
Wait, Mom? Are you leaving the house? Where are you going? CVS? Can I go with you?
Photo credit: Thinkstock
