Enough with the Crocs. Do you hear me? Enough!
Maybe it’s end-of-summer fatigue, but I’ve had it with the sight of kids in Crocs. I was tired long ago of them on adults, but now my disgust has spilled over to the children.
First of all, when they get encrusted with filth, as all children’s footwear do—especially by the end of summer—Crocs look especially gross. Filth really has a way of popping when set against a neon background. I’m sure my son’s sandals are teeming with nastiness, but the yuck just blends in with their neutral hue, and no one need be offended. (As long as they don’t look too closely at the velcro on those straps, which now hold more dog hair than my dog.) But then we head to the local park and watch a parade of filthy Crocs, and ick. They just make me mad.
More important than my feelings, however, is safety. Crocs are dangerous. Dangerous! As the experts will tell you, Crocs are meant for boating. Or at least proximity to water, if you’re not a boat owner. And yet parents whose kids like the Crocs have decided that Crocs are okay for any event. They wear them to the playground, to camp, to funerals (probably). You see children lurching about with their lollipop-colored footwear, tossing themselves hither and yon, risking life and limb. Crocs at the playground rarely remain on kids’ feet. Usually they’re whizzing off of them—raining down from monkey bars, hurtling past the swings. Crocs were banned at Henry’s school last year, after several children tumbled down stairs and off of slides when their Crocs failed them. And yet most of the Croc-wearing children continued to wear their Crocs, because their parents don’t care if they break their skulls. (I’m guessing.) According to this article, Crocs are inappropriate for even “moderate physical activity.” In other words, anything that’s not strolling. (Or, I guess, raising the mainsail.) And when are your kids strolling? Do you have kids that stroll? Because I’ve never met one.
Look, I know what it’s like when your kid gets into a shoe rut. I never purchased Crocs for Henry, because I’ve witnessed how comfortable my son can get with a particular kind of shoe, and how hard it is for him to adjust to other modes of shoe-wearing. The transition last fall from sandal back to sneaker was particularly traumatic. The lack of ventilation! The binding ankle support! The socks! He rolled about the floor of Stride-Rite shrieking GET THEM OFF ME BLAAAAAGH. If we ever put Crocs on him, introducing him back to the World of Laces would be painful, to say the least.
But you know what’s more painful? Read on!
Hello, and welcome to the next paragraph, where I tell you about the Croc injuries. Brace yourself. Last week a little boy suffered a horrifying foot injury after his Croc got caught in a mall escalator. And he’s not the only one. Children have lost toes from these accidents, people. LOST TOES. Crocs and escalators do not mix. There’s even a website devoted to Croc/escalator incidents . Are we going to ban escalators? We are not. Can we outlaw the wearing of Crocs in malls or airports or anywhere an escalator might unexpectedly appear? It seems unlikely. The Crocs must go.
Luckily the colder weather is coming; Crocs will be traded in for some real shoes, and children’s toes will be safe again, for a little while. Right? I’m a tad nervous that the experts in this WebMD article are urging readers not to let their kids wear Crocs in the winter. Have we forgotten that children need to keep their feet protected and warm, as well as comfortable? Have the Crocs addled our brains even as they’ve coddled our feet? Let us all hope that we return to our senses before they kill us all. Don’t say you weren’t warned.