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Because Mother Nature made bottles for a <i>reason.</i>

Because Mother Nature made bottles for a reason.

By Alice Bradley

Thank you, Delta Airlines. Thank you for finally taking a stand against the #1 scourge of the skies: nursing women.

Last month a woman nursing her child was asked to leave the plane after she refused to hide under a blanket. She claims she was in the “next to last row” in the “window seat.” That her husband was next to her, and none of her breast was showing. As if it matters, that none of the passengers could actually see her. If they can’t see her, they could surely hear all that contented suckling. And what about Jesus, ma’am? As we know, he’s watching us all, especially those of us at an increased altitude. Do you think he wants to look at that?

Now Little Miss My Child Needs to Eat is suing, and no one, not even Barbara Walters, has supported the two airlines as they struggle to help everyone forget what breasts are for. Oh, Barbara. I’ll never forget that moment last year, when she pursed her lips and told the world what they could do with Breasts on a Plane. I can still remember that look in her eyes: so haunted, so judgmental.The only thing I ever got out of my breasts was some wood shavings, she seemed to say. And that was when I was interviewing Anwar Sadat.

Now more than ever, someone’s got to take a stand. Every day, the International League of Breast Fetishists continue their breast-forcing campaign. The World Health Organization claims that breastfeeding is the most important thing you can do for a baby’s health. The American Academy of Pediatrics insists that there are “health, nutrional, immunologic, developmental, psychologic, social, economic, and environmental benefits” to breastfeeding. The CDC is committed to promoting breastfeeding around the world.

Perverts.

Even the companies Target, Starbucks, and Toys ‘R’ Us, for instance, who frequently attempt to save us from breasts, trot out their “official policies,” which are filled with a bunch of hippy-dippy, women-have-rights nonsense, the moment they come under fire. Thank goodness their employees don’t actually know about these policies and can cast out the nursing women, or at least humiliate them. Can you imagine what our shopping excursions would be without these brave souls? We’d have to look really closely at some woman sitting in a corner with her child, and when we did, we’d maybe see parts of boobs.

Some parts of the breasts are okay–the cleavage, for instance–but the utilitarian parts are, objectively speaking, abhorrent. Victoria’s Secret employees understand this. They spend their days supporting and lifting the objects in question, so they know. And when a nursing woman was asked to feed her child in the employee bathroom, that’s what they were trying to teach her– that those circles in the middle of the breasts are the dirty bathroom parts. And yet she failed to understand. Her response? “I don’t eat in the bathroom and my daughter doesn’t eat in the bathroom.”

You don’t? But then where do you eat your nightly set of Twix Bars? Where do you stuff the wrappers, if not in the tank? This world doesn’t make sense anymore.

Another important issue surrounding public breastfeeding is safety. A local parks director finally made this clear, after a woman at a community pool wanted to stay and breastfeed her baby while her five year old was swimming. “When you see something like that, it draws people’s attention from the pool. You kind of take a double take, triple take, then you sink to the bottom of the pool.”

Yes.

Breasts cause people to sink. In fact, women’s breasts are killing people all across the country. How many headlines do we need to see before we take action? “Nursing Mother Kills Twelve at Water Park.” “Local Man Views Nip, Drowns in Slurpee.” “Raised Eyebrows Caused By Breast Feeding Increase Chance of Headaches, Bad Moods, Brain Cancer.”

Nursing women are killers, and they must be stopped.

If, like me, you want nothing more than for these nursing women to stop turning you on, you can take action. I urge you to stand and fight, before a breastmilk tsunami sweeps us all away. Thank you.

Alice Bradley
About the Author

Alice Bradley

Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.

...

Alice Bradley was a regular contributor to Alpha Mom, writing about current events as they related to parenting. You can read about her daily life at her personal blog, Finslippy.

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bob
Guest
bob

I’m with you, sister. I mean, these mothers act as if a person has rights. first they want to breast-feed in public, next they’ll want decent heath care for their kids, and then they’ll want a good education for their kids. where do they think they are – a free country?

angela
Guest

I think one of the most wonderful things about nursing a baby would be to do it in public as much as possible. People need to calm down and worry about something important. Oh my gosh! A woman is feeding her baby! They need to get a life.
Thanks for sending the petition link.

Kristen
Guest

I’m spewing my pregnancy hormone induced rants about this all over the interweb today. I think what gets me more are folks who are “pro-breastfeeding” but then say “But she should be discrete about it…” Um, I’m sorry. But what mother do you know just doesn’t give A crap about whipping out her boob in public? For the most part, they (we, me, I included) do our best to keep things underwraps. And that’s way more than I can say with all the ridiculous clothing — not just on the beach (are they kicking off certain folks for letting it… Read more »

kate
Guest

Thanks for posting this. I’m lucky enough to live in a place where people don’t seem to be particularly bothered if I nurse, but I’m dreading my trip to France to see the in-laws. Breastfeeding beyond a couple of months is pretty rare over there (come to think of it, breastfeeding at all is rare) so I can’t even imagine the looks I’ll get with my one year old. I know, I’m a dirty, dirty pervert.

Erin
Guest

I keep thinking I want to wean my 15-month-old, but this kind of thing makes me want to rush to the nearest public place every time she wants to eat and feed her there! Maybe flash a strip of breast above her fuzzy head. Then everyone can be appalled because she’s walking! Nearly talking! Waving one hand and both feet in the air while nursing! Yuck! I have six children and have breastfed in lots of public places. I’ve never been asked to leave, though certainly there have been some people who kept their eyes averted not just from my… Read more »

Her Bad Mother
Guest

God hates boobs, that why he didn’t give Jesus any.
So, for the love of God, put your titties away, ladies. The sight offends HIM, and Delta Airlines.

raine
Guest

Vive la revolution!

InterstellarLass
Guest

Bravo! Well written! Applause!

Nini
Guest
Nini

I am sad to say that these attitudes kept me at home alot back in my breastfeeding days.

Abigail
Guest

You made me laugh out loud. I needed that today.
Thanks, Alice!

Alice Bradley
Guest
Alice

Well, obviously, Ruth. I mean, imagine the mess you could possibly make.
I’m trying to remember who, but I believe some congressman was trying to make the same argument for not allowing breastfeeding in public, because of the risk of “spillage.” As if your milk would simply flood the room, if you allowed it to.

Sam
Guest
Sam

Boobs are for selling beer dammit! I was in the LAs VEgas airport nursing my then 18 mo son and someone from the desk (Southwest I think) came up to me and asked me to please cover myself- I looked at her and laughed, then she said it again with emphasis,again LAUGHING and with my mother sitting next to me goggle eyed waiting with her breath held…(will my daughter rip this woman limb from limb or better yet a bloody verbal assault…) I looked at her and said (calmly- because hey, I was getting my nurse on and those calming… Read more »

Ruth
Guest
Ruth

When my eldest was a nursling I was told that I could not breastfeed in a seating area at the Field Museum in Chicago on the grounds that there was “no eating in the museum”.

Cate Ross
Guest
Cate Ross

Well, I don’t know about you, but I had a LOT more trouble with, you know, “spillage” when I needed to feed my baby and couldn’t.
Let’s face it. Breasts are for fetishizing for men’s entertainment, and anything else is just grotty–it implies that women might not just exist for show!

Brandi
Guest
Brandi

Thank you. My son is three months old and subsisting solely on breast milk (horrors). I have yet to encounter a hostile or ignorant reaction to my feeding him in public but I do get the classic shocked double-take when I don’t use a cover. We live in Florida and my son gets too hot under that damn wrap, me too for that matter. Even though I have not had any problems, I am always tense because I know a lot of public opinion leans toward “pop ’em out if their stripper boobs” rather than “they were made to feed… Read more »

Joanna
Guest

Apparently, there was a “nurse-in” in protest http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15755898/

Kim
Guest
Kim

Thank you. I have spent the last four months afraid of going places because what if some moron gives me a dirty look while I am feeding my baby because she had been screaming her head off??? Something tells me one is a lot more distracting than the other. Who knew it would be the hidden breast with the baby attached to it…
Really, thanks for posting this. It gave me a boost of confidence that not everyone will scum me off for feeding my baby in public. Maybe I’ll learn to leave the house more willingly someday!

Mrs. Why
Guest
Mrs. Why

I hope that Mom gets a fat settlement check so she can whip her breast out in First Class from now on.

Melanie
Guest
Melanie

I remember well the shame of breastfeeding my son – those days of taking my breasts away from their god-given right as toys for men and using them to nourish a child. Every day I struggled with it – “But will I ever be able to wear a teeny bikini in public and get ogled again if I breastfeed? Will men stop staring at me? Will I be doing something *gasp* healthy and nurturing for my child if I nurse him?” And yet I soldiered on. Now my husband won’t talk to me and people cross the street when they… Read more »

politicallyincorrectmom
Guest
politicallyincorrectmom

Perfectly hilarious!
I was forced to remove my soundly sleeping (halfway suckling) baby from the sling I was holding him in (to keep him warm and keep my arms from falling off during the 3 hour flight)… Because it was apparently completely outrageous for him to be attached to me in any manner…

pnutsmama
Guest
pnutsmama

as I often do in times of maternal indecision, I ask myself the question WWJMD? (what would Jesus’ mama do?) and I turn to my handy-dandy book of scripture, and there I find, in Luke 11:27: It came to pass, as he said these things, a certain woman out of the multitude lifted up her voice, and said to him, “Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts which nursed you!” (http://bible.cc/luke/11-27.htm) seriously, that was my favorite thing to say to anyone who ever gave me a hard time about nursing my child (in public or in general).… Read more »

Cait
Guest
Cait

Rock on, Alice.

Leslie
Guest
Leslie

Excellent post! Thanks for the petition links.

Nicole
Guest
Nicole

So excellent. Alice, I love you. And your boobs.
You want to try shocking passersby, nurse your baby and your toddler at the same time. I don’t do that very often, as I am more concerned with people seeing my belly roll over my jeans than I am with them potentially seeing some areola.
I am a shit-disturber from way back–I keep hoping some stupid ass will ask me to cover up so I can edumacate ’em. Perhaps the “I dare you” glint in my eye keeps them at bay.

PJJ
Guest
PJJ

Thank you so much. Your article is improving the health of mommies and babies and saving us taxpayers money on health care for fewer baby sick visits to the doctor.
You are AWESOME!

Anne
Guest
Anne

Worst of all, you didn’t mention that this happened in VERMONT. Tut, tut, what is the world coming to?

Lisa C
Guest
Lisa C

Desperate to get the little guy to shut up so I could pick out fabric at Joann’s, I ended up nursing him between the bolts of fleece and quilting cotton.
“Would you like to go to the restroom?” the female employee asked me a bit nervously.
“Thanks, but no. It’s so gross in there. I wouldn’t want to eat in the bathroom. I’ll be as discrete as possible,” I assured her.
And that was that. I didn’t feel offended or anything. I think she was just uneducated about such things.

Sally
Guest
Sally

Oh for heaven’s sake. I live in South Carolina for heaven’s sake, not exactly cutting-edge, and I’ve (discreetly, yes, but that’s not the point) breastfed publically countless times. No one’s ever said a word to me. I haven’t even ever gotten THE LOOK. It’s sad, being reminded that I should consider myself lucky in this regard. I know the right to breastfeed anywhere the woman and child have a right to be is a law in our state. It should be on a plane too. Friendly skies my butt. I am the most anti-litigious person on the planet generally, but… Read more »

Ann Marie
Guest
Ann Marie

OMG! ROFLMAO!!!
Wonderful satire!

alice
Guest
alice

YES. My blog saves lives and money. Thank you for noticing!

chasmyn
Guest
chasmyn

Oh my Goddess, you are my new hero. If I weren’t already married, I’d propose. Instead I’ll just have to add you to my sidebar and become a regular reader.

Renee
Guest
Renee

Sheesh! Snakes on a plane is ok, but breasts on a plane aren’t? What is this world coming to?

heather
Guest
heather

Well, Target wasn’t my favorite place to nurse, but the cafe was fine in a pinch.
Really, the thing they ought to watch out for are us working mamas who sometimes go to meetings away from our nice discreet offices, and have to go out to our cars and pump. A baby at least only uses one side at a time, and generally covers up the side in use. I kinda gave some city workers an eyeful one day… but they didn’t wreck their truck. Something tells me they weren’t permanently blinded by the sight.

Stacie
Guest
Stacie

What else can I say that hasn’t already been said?
YOU ROCK!
I’ll be a regular visitor from now on!

Jan
Guest
Jan

My 22 year old son has seen a lot of women breastfeeding in public, but much to his sorrow, he’s never seen a breast during one of those times…much less anyone just “whip it out.” But he keeps waiting…hoping….
As far as he is concerned, breastfeeding moms are just way too discrete.

Amy
Guest
Amy

Bwahahaha…that made me spew my coffee! Oh, the horror of seeing a baby nursing on a plane or anywhere in public. Guess we’d better shove a nasty ol’ bottle in their mouth from now on. @@
:::makes mental note not to plan any trips until my 26 month old daughter is done nursing:::

Matt
Guest
Matt

FAA policy requires passenger compliance with instructions on all posted placards, lighted signs, and the flight crew.
Obviously, some part of something hinted to the other passengers and/or crew that brought it to their attention. It probably wasn’t Jesus.
It’s a simple matter of a passenger disobeying the crew. Is the request to cover with a blanket all that unreasonable? Is someone else going to sue the next time the crew tries to shut them off from in-flight alcohol?
If you don’t like the societal standards of the country, then move.

Wouldn't you like to know
Guest
Wouldn't you like to know

“Nursing women are killers, and they must be stopped.” -What are you a psycho person.. Come on!! Grow up and get a life!! Women have had breasts ever since they were created and what the hell do you think they have been used for all these years.. yeah!!… that is right, BREASTFEEDING.. geesh maybe someone should have breastfed your dumb ass!! I don’t care if you post this or not.. I don’t give a shit what you do but you seriously neeeeeeeed to GROW UP!

Matt
Guest
Matt

Alice: Again, the heart of the issue is that it’s against federal law to disobey a flight attendant, regardless of the righteousness of the disagreement. The proper way to handle it would have been to cover up and then file the appropriate complaints after the flight. But, of course, that’s far less sensational. Regarding the blankets, they’re (sadly) probably the most clean part of the cabin when you’re on board. Depending on the flight, many airline blankets are washed everyday. The seats, walls, plastic, etc., hardly receive a cleaning once a month; and, most likely, your child is going to… Read more »

Jenny
Guest
Jenny

Geez, I wish I could remember which airline it was that did this to me about a year ago. Well, they didn’t boot me, but on one of the FOUR legs of my trip on the same airline, a particular flight attendant was adamant that I not allow my then 16-month-old daughter to sit on my lap during take-off or landing, because “she’s a ticketed passenger, and FAA regulations require she be in her seat.” Um, yeah. Whatever. This, after absconding with my carry-on baggage (complete with all the goodies that keep a young ‘un semi-content during a flight) because… Read more »

Heather
Guest
Heather

Hey folks, just to remind you:
Discrete is a mathetmatics term.
Discreet is when you’re being modest.
I’m a proud mama of a 1 year old baby girl. I’ve nursed her everywhere. And NEVER have I used a blanket.

rachel
Guest
rachel

I’ve been nursing constantly for 8 1/2 years now (3 kids) and lived in 3 different states, and have only gotten 1 negative comment. I feel very grateful to have been so lucky. And I’m sure I have accidentally flashed people on airplanes and elsewhere.
I saw a wonderful presentation a few years ago by Kathy Dettweiler about the use of breasts in advertisements around the world. It was really amazing.
Thanks for the petition link – off to sign it now!

amy
Guest
amy

boob whipper here!! i nursed 4 kids a total of 9 years, often in public!! i cannot imagine where this flight attendant got her stones to interfere with ms gillette, but i am following the story quite closely as i am the “lactivist” on a particular forum that seems to be all over the place in its level of understanding and acceptance of the true nature of nursing… talk about b00bs!
at any rate… if there is an interest… this is the press release from emily gillette’s lawyer… which can be found at this link
http://www.mothering.com/sections/ne…html#interview
Charge Filed with Vermont

Cynthia
Guest
Cynthia

I’m still nursing my daughter who is over 2 at this point. She doesn’t nurse as much in public, but when she wants it, I give it to her. No one has ever said anything to me and I’ve never noticed any obvious disgust or stares. I’d love to see someone try to say something to me. The people who have things to say are completely ignorant and uneducated. Just because it offends you doesn’t mean it’s wrong and it also doesn’t mean that the world has to change around you because you’re so offended. People really need to wake… Read more »

Kim
Guest
Kim

OMG, Bran. I have tried to get people to see that exact point. A bottle nipple is a replica of a human nipple (well, it’s fashioned after it, anyway), just as a dildo is a replica of a penis. So yeah–they must be of equal caliber when done in public (of course, then they pull the lame excuse of “well, I guess my husband is allowed to yank out his penis and urinate anywhere he wants to!). Yuck. As if he’d do so in her mouth to offer nourishment or something? I too am a nursing mom, and because of… Read more »

alice
Guest
alice

This shows the depth of your profound ignorance. It’s been scientifically proven that breasts are for ogling. Oh, wait–and fondling. No more, no less.
This is fun!

Alice Bradley
Guest
alice

And Matt: it was Delta who didn’t conform to the “societal standards of the country.” In 37 states (including Vermont), it’s legal to breastfeed “in any place of public accommodation in which the mother and child would otherwise have a legal right to be.”
Delta does not have the right to circumvent those laws. So maybe they should leave the country?
And as for it being unreasonable to cover up with a blanket: an airline blanket? Yeah, unreasonable. Babies have delicate immune systems and those blankets are not the cleanest. No mother is going to put that over her baby’s head.

Kassia
Guest
Kassia

I must say you blog made me laugh. Made me think about how we are so screwed up when it’s okay to see a rap star on national TV wear nothing but tassles over her nipples and have them jiggled by another performer. No one is outragged by this. Yet, to see a picture of a child being breastfed on a parenting magazine is just the ulimate perversion and the editor should be put to death. We can watch commercials with Victoria Secrets women in underwear and bras, but oh no!!! A breastfeeding mother is coming and she’s being obscene.… Read more »

Jen
Guest
Jen

All I can say is ROFLOL.
This was awesome. Such a great point. Too bad so many people are brainless and can’t understand it themselves.

Lisa C.
Guest
Lisa C.

You rock, Alice! I nursed my baby everywhere, even on the lumber aisle of a Home Depot! I never had a problem, but I do feel bad that there are mothers out there who are harrassed for feeding their children. What is this world coming to?