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Best Jokes for Kids

By Melissa Summers

I started a mental collection of jokes to tell my kids after 62 sessions of “Knock Knock” “Who’s there?” “Poo Poo Head!” threatened to implode my head. For the uneducated, let me explain: Poo Poo Head is not a funny Knock Knock joke. At least not after the 30th time.

Poo Poo Head can be a funny joke, just not a punchline. Once a friend gave my husband a magazine subscription for Christmas and had it mailed to ‘Mr. Logan Popohed’. For months not only did the magazine come to the Popohed home, several catalogs and special credit card offers were also delivered. This is a refined use of the Poo Poo Head joke and therefore much funnier than just a simple knock knock joke.

Comedy is a difficult skill to teach your children, but I warn you a good joke depository is imperative to their growth and development. Unless you want your kid to be that one guy at the party who wears an arrow on their head and calls it a ‘crazy gag’! You don’t want that and I don’t want that.

The trick when telling your kids new jokes is to keep them very simple so they’ll actually tell them correctly. There is very little more painful than sitting through several botched punchlines and laughing politely. It’s like a bad first date without the free meal. You also want to release your jokes in a measured way so that when you are can’t stand one more ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ (A= “Poo Poo Head!”) (Not funny!), you’ll have another in your holster to switch gears. Once you have a few jokes between you it’s easier to distract them with a bit of a ‘joke-off’.

Here are a few to get you started and I want to hear your kid’s best jokes and also their most annoying ones.
The Interrupting Cow joke I picked up on Fussy’s blog is maybe the best thing I’ve gotten out of the internet in the last 9 years. It’s even better than the fact that I can order pizza on the internet without ever going near a phone.

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupt….
MOO!
The Starfish Variation is also a HUGE favorite around here.
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Interrupting Starfish.
Interruptin….
[Put your ‘starfish-like’ hand over the face of the victim.]
(I like to make a popping sound with my mouth when I do it. I’m hilarious!)

Pirates are often popular among young children, something about the freedom of the high seas and the constant threat of scurvy really speaks to kids.
Have you seen the new pirate movie?
It’s rated AARRR

I learned this joke for kids from Pulp Fiction, wasn’t that just a mad cap hilarious romp perfect for kids? Haaaa! It’s a little more involved and doesn’t work as well for my five year old who butchers the whole thing rendering it nothing but a bunch of nonsense strung together with hysterical laughter at the end. Which sort of sounds like how I’d describe every conversation I ever had with my Krazy Aunt Kay. I’m not talking ‘Wacky!’ I’m talking ‘I saw you in the womb before you were born! HA HA HA HA HA!” Wacky!

Oh right, the joke:
A daddy tomato, a mommy tomato and a baby tomato were walking down the street.
The baby tomato lags behind so the daddy tomato goes back and squishes him and says:
“Ketchup!”

This one is one my friend’s dad used to tell all the time. This friend’s dad liked to drink manhattans in the evening after work and tell increasingly ridiculous jokes as the evening progressed. We’d listen and laugh intently, hoping for the time he’d finally finish the “There once was a man from Nantucket….” limerick.

Apparently there wasn’t enough bourbon in the world to get him to tell us this horribly lewd limerick. In fact, I never heard the end and had kind of forgotten about it so I looked it up and my my, let’s all be thankful Mr. M could hold his liquor.

I’m sharing this joke but please know that I am the only one in my family who laughs when I tell it. The kids either don’t get it (Max) or are already turning adolescent and eye roll-ish and are counting the days until college, “So stop telling your lame jokes, Mother.” (Madison).

A piece of string walks into a bar, climbs up on the bar stool and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender looks at the string and says, “We don’t serve your kind in this place.”
The string gets up and walks outside.
He ties himself into a knot, frays up the ends of himself and walks back into the bar.
He climbs back up on a stool and says, “I’d like a drink please.”
The bartender says, “Look! I told you before we don’t serve your type. You’re that same string who was in here earlier aren’t you?”
The string says, “Nope! I’m a frayed knot.”

I love that joke so much. Oh God I’ve become that ‘Kooky’ guy with the arrow on his head haven’t I?

Help me expand my repetoire won’t you? What are the best (and worst) jokes your kids are telling?

Melissa Summers
About the Author

Melissa Summers

Melissa Summers was a regular contributor writing Melissa’s Buzz Off.

...

Melissa Summers was a regular contributor writing Melissa’s Buzz Off.

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Virginia
Guest

My kids love all of the “no arm – no legs” jokes (cruel I know)….
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming in the ocean? Bob
There is a seemingly never-ending string of these jokes. My least favorite joke is the one my husband tells the kids constantly…A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says Hey! Why the long face? ba-dum-dum.

Nicole
Guest
Nicole

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8
This is my favourite variation on the “interrupting” knock knock joke. But I haven’t used it on my kids yet–just my brother-in-law.

juliloquy
Guest

The frayed knot joke is a classic!
My niece’s first remembered joke is:
Q: Where do cows go on vacation?
A: Moo York.
Probably would still get the eye roll from Madison . . .

Lorie
Guest

I am still laughing about the “frayed knot” joke because that is my favorite joke and I always get a laugh. Now I am thinking that people are just giving me the polite laugh. But it is still darn funny. My husband likes to tell a joke that is totally inappropriate and only funny to those who have a sick sense of humor like me. I think it is funny and it gets even funnier when you tell it in a room full of feminists: What do you tell a woman with a black eye? Nothing. You already told her… Read more »

CDawg
Guest
CDawg

Ah the endless Pirate jokes.
Q.
What’s a pirate’s favorite food?
A.
(gesture Fist in a hooking motion)
ARRRRRRR…DEE…Chokes!

abby
Guest
abby

What did the snail say while riding on the turtle’s back?
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
ALL.TIME.FAVORITE.

mircat
Guest
mircat

Unfortunately, I find this joke incredibly funny. Does that mean I’m really only 4 years old instead of 29?
What’s round and brown and lives in the forest?
Winnie the Poop
Also, I tell the frayed knot joke and it usually just gets groans to my giggles.

Rosetta
Guest
Rosetta

Slightly inappropriate:
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick

Woman with Kids
Guest

My favorite joke as a kid, and sadly, now is this:
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Get it? Right? Pretty funny stuff here!

mrvermont
Guest
mrvermont

my daughter’s favorite joke is the classic: Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana!
She usually mucks some part up, but that just makes it even funnier!
My favorite:
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the sh#t out of their dogs.

srah
Guest

Failed jokes are sometimes funnier than the original. Like this exchange between my great uncle (R) and his granddaughter (K), who was probably about 4 at the time:
First, R tells the joke to K:
R: Knock knock.
K: Who’s there?
R: Isabelle.
K: Isabelle who?
R: Is a bell necessary on a bike?
Then later in the evening, K attempts to repeat the joke:
K: Knock knock.
R: Who’s there?
K: … um, necessary on a bike.
R: What happened to Isabelle?
K: She fell off.

sherry
Guest

What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.

pixie sticks
Guest

Okay seriously, MY favorite joke of all time is a total kid joke:
What did one snowman say to the other snowman??
— Do you smell carrots?
ha! gets me every.damn.time.

lyn
Guest

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?
Cliff.

Lisa
Guest

My step-daughter wouldn’t stop telling this one to us over the holidays
There were two blondes driving through Oklahoma in their convertible at night. One blonde said to the other “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?” The other blonde answered “duh, can you see Florida?”

Daniel
Guest
Daniel

A man walks into a bar and says “Ow!”

roaringmommy
Guest

Here’s one that my son used to torture us with allllllll the time:
Why didn’t the shrimp share?
Because, he was a little shellfish!

kelly
Guest

we work the frayed knot joke weekly.
Our other family favorite:
Why aren’t clowns cannibals?
They taste funny.
Snort.

Daniel
Guest
Daniel

So this guy who always wanted a twin brother gets himself cloned. But the clone turns out to be an as****e, follows him around swearing at him all the time. Berates him in front of his friends, puts down his Mother, generally makes a nuisance of himself. Nonetheless they go on vacation together to the Grand Canyon. As they’re standing at the rim communing with the sublime granduer of the natural world, the clone won’t shut up. He’s still swearing up a storm like a tourettes addled coke fiend. Finally the guy can’t stand it anymore and he shoves his… Read more »

Flydaddy
Guest

A man walks into a bar with his pet newt. He places the newt on the bar and introduces him to the bartender as, “Tiny.” “Why ‘Tiny’?” Asks the bartender. The man replies, “Because, he’s my newt!”

elleninha
Guest
elleninha

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!

Melanie
Guest
Melanie

Hi there, just stumbled over here and had to share my all time fave: A man is at a bar alone, having a few drinks, when he hears, “You look great in that suit.” He looks around but he’s the only one there, so he chalks it up to being tired, orders another drink and hears, “Your eyes are gorgeous.” He’s really confused but is pretty stressed out, so he orders another drink and waits. Soon he hears, “You look thinner, have you been working out?” Really starting to freak out, he calls the bartender over and asks, “Man, I… Read more »

Unruly Duckling
Guest

My mom’s favorite joke:
Ask me if I’m a doctor.
Are you a doctor?
No.
?

Debbi
Guest
Debbi

I learned this off the Doodlebops (I have a 3yo!):
knock knock
who’s there?
Cowsay
Cowsay who?
No silly- cows say moo!!
Cow can be interchanged with other animals too! my 6yo sees them coming though and rolls her eyes at me.
One they tell all the time that drives me crazy:
knock knock
who’s there?
banana
banana who?
Aren’t you going to eat me because I’m a banana!!
huh???

MsShad
Guest

Oh man, the blind skydiver’s one just killed me.

Nicole
Guest
Nicole

“Did you hear about the guy who was in a really bad accident and lost the whole left side of his body?”
“He’s all right now.”

skroll63
Guest
skroll63

Two blinds are standing on either side of a river. One blond says to the other, “How do I get to the other side?” The blond answers, “You are on the other side.” HEEEEE

amy
Guest
amy

The current favorite around here is the classic:
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Never gets old.

MomVee
Guest

Can’t help you right now. I’m suffering from let-down; I was so excited to force my “frayed knot” joke on all of your readers. To me, the best part of that joke is the beginning: I love the image of a piece of string walking into a bar.

Tracy
Guest
Tracy

My kids current fave:
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?
(Say it out loud if it doesn’t make sense at first.)

greta
Guest
greta

this is my husband’s all time favorite — not sure what that means.
a grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.
the bartender says, “hey, we have a drink named after you!”
the grasshopper says, “really? you have a drink named murray?”

Amy B.
Guest

Here are my (clean) favorites:
1. What did the 0 (zero) say to the 8?
“Nice belt!”
2. Why didn’t the worms go onto Noah’s Ark in an apple?
Because everyone had to go in pairs!
and finally,
3. Nurse: Doctor, there’s an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now.
HAhahahaha! I slay me.

Amy C
Guest
Amy C

New all time favorite, loved it, and will have to share it soon~
A man walks into a bar and says “Ow!”
My 7 year old’s current fave~
How do you make a handkerchief dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

WendyP
Guest
WendyP

I loved the elephant jokes when I was little: Why did the elephant wear tennies? Because nine-ies were too little, and eleven-ies were too big!

Pants
Guest
Pants

Whenever I have a fortune cookie, this is the fortune I claim to have received:
Man going through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Colleen
Guest
Colleen

What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
Not(ch) yo cheese.
What did the boy say when the dog went off the cliff?
Dog gone!

Andi
Guest

Which part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.

loloeleven
Guest
loloeleven

when we were younger one of our favorite knock-knock jokes was:
knock knock
who’s there?
mickey mouse’s underwear
or my grandmother’s personal favorite:
Where did the general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!

veg4me
Guest

If you are an American when you go into the bathroom and you are an American when you come out of the bathroom….What are you while you are in the bathroom?
European… of course!

Tonia
Guest

I like to tell a series of “interrupting x” knock-knock jokes and end with this one:
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Automatic interrupting owl.
(Self-generated punchlines rock!)

Wynter
Guest
Wynter

HA! I’ll definitely be adding some of these to our repertoire. The Frayed Knot is a long time fave.
One that makes me giggle every time …
What’s green and has 18 wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Nicole
Guest

My absolute favorite takes a lot of patience and is best told by someone who usually mucks up jokes. Part 1: A guy was going to build a round building. He calculated that he’d need 499 bricks. He went to the brickyard, andhe found out that they only sell bricks in lots of 500. He buys the 500 bricks. He has one left over. You know what he does? He throws it up in the air. Okay, now all of you think I”m crazy and that Ican’t tell jokes. Wait awhile, and an hour later tell this joke: Back when… Read more »

Vanessa
Guest

What’s red and green and goes 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender! What’s red and green and brown and goes 100 miles an hour? The same frog a week later! The tomato/ketchup joke reminded me of this incredibly lame, um, I mean smooth thing I once did to flirt with a guy I liked. Here’s how it goes: While eating your salad at a restaurant, remove a cherry tomato and cut a mouth-like slit across the center. Hold the tomato up, squeeze the sides to make it look like the mouth is moving, and say “I’m Tommy… Read more »

KarinGal
Guest

When my son was three he told us his first joke:
The cows went to the mooooovies.
He hasn’t told us another joke since, and now he’s nearly five. I guess he’s not the joke type.
But say “poopy diapers” or “doodypants,” and he’ll squeal with laughter for hours.

katielee
Guest

What do you call someone else’s cheese?
Nacho cheese.
It really has to be said out loud to work…

Susan Wagner
Guest

My four-year-old loves this joke (which I think I learned from Mir): Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, “Whoo, it’s hot in here.” And the second muffin says, “AAAGH! A talking muffin!”
From my six-year-old: What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb?
“I’m feeling a little burned out.”

Meganann
Guest
Meganann

I have two favorites, even though I am the worst joke-teller I know.
1. Why doesn’t Fred ride a bike? Because he is a fish.
and
2. 2 peanuts were walking down the street and one was asaulted….peanut.
ba dum ching
thank you very much

Dana
Guest
Dana

My favourite joke as a kid was an elephant joke:
Why did the elephant paint yellow stripes down its back?
So it could hide in the middle of the road!
Have you ever seen an elephant in the middle of the road?
Works pretty well, doesn’t it.
I also have a soft spot for my grandfather’s favourite joke, misogynistic as it is:
She didn’t like my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
Great collection of jokes so far! Can I be the only one who has NEVER even heard the frayed string?

carson
Guest
carson

Knock Knock
Whose there
Banana
Banana who
Banana
Banana who
Orange
Orange who
Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana again
This was the first joke my 3 year old sort of learned but he doesn’t get it and so after the “whose there” bit he randomly shouts out different foods… pasta, pizza, chocolate.. and that is actually much funnier than the joke

Ezza
Guest

What’s a pirate’s favorite holiday?
ARR-bor day.