Best Jokes for Kids: So, a priest, a rabbi and a panda bear walk into a bar…..

By Melissa Summers

I started a mental collection of jokes to tell my kids after 62 sessions of “Knock Knock” “Who’s there?” “Poo Poo Head!” threatened to implode my head. For the uneducated, let me explain: Poo Poo Head is not a funny Knock Knock joke. At least not after the 30th time.

Poo Poo Head can be a funny joke, just not a punchline. Once a friend gave my husband a magazine subscription for Christmas and had it mailed to ‘Mr. Logan Popohed’. For months not only did the magazine come to the Popohed home, several catalogs and special credit card offers were also delivered. This is a refined use of the Poo Poo Head joke and therefore much funnier than just a simple knock knock joke.

Comedy is a difficult skill to teach your children, but I warn you a good joke depository is imperative to their growth and development. Unless you want your kid to be that one guy at the party who wears an arrow on their head and calls it a ‘crazy gag’! You don’t want that and I don’t want that.

The trick when telling your kids new jokes is to keep them very simple so they’ll actually tell them correctly. There is very little more painful than sitting through several botched punchlines and laughing politely. It’s like a bad first date without the free meal. You also want to release your jokes in a measured way so that when you are can’t stand one more ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ (A= “Poo Poo Head!”) (Not funny!), you’ll have another in your holster to switch gears. Once you have a few jokes between you it’s easier to distract them with a bit of a ‘joke-off’.

Here are a few to get you started and I want to hear your kid’s best jokes and also their most annoying ones.
The Interrupting Cow joke I picked up on Fussy’s blog is maybe the best thing I’ve gotten out of the internet in the last 9 years. It’s even better than the fact that I can order pizza on the internet without ever going near a phone.

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Interrupting Cow.
The Starfish Variation is also a HUGE favorite around here.
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Interrupting Starfish.
[Put your ‘starfish-like’ hand over the face of the victim.]
(I like to make a popping sound with my mouth when I do it. I’m hilarious!)

Pirates are often popular among young children, something about the freedom of the high seas and the constant threat of scurvy really speaks to kids.
Have you seen the new pirate movie?
It’s rated AARRR

I learned this joke for kids from Pulp Fiction, wasn’t that just a mad cap hilarious romp perfect for kids? Haaaa! It’s a little more involved and doesn’t work as well for my five year old who butchers the whole thing rendering it nothing but a bunch of nonsense strung together with hysterical laughter at the end. Which sort of sounds like how I’d describe every conversation I ever had with my Krazy Aunt Kay. I’m not talking ‘Wacky!’ I’m talking ‘I saw you in the womb before you were born! HA HA HA HA HA!” Wacky!

Oh right, the joke:
A daddy tomato, a mommy tomato and a baby tomato were walking down the street.
The baby tomato lags behind so the daddy tomato goes back and squishes him and says:

This one is one my friend’s dad used to tell all the time. This friend’s dad liked to drink manhattans in the evening after work and tell increasingly ridiculous jokes as the evening progressed. We’d listen and laugh intently, hoping for the time he’d finally finish the “There once was a man from Nantucket….” limerick.

Apparently there wasn’t enough bourbon in the world to get him to tell us this horribly lewd limerick. In fact, I never heard the end and had kind of forgotten about it so I looked it up and my my, let’s all be thankful Mr. M could hold his liquor.

I’m sharing this joke but please know that I am the only one in my family who laughs when I tell it. The kids either don’t get it (Max) or are already turning adolescent and eye roll-ish and are counting the days until college, “So stop telling your lame jokes, Mother.” (Madison).

A piece of string walks into a bar, climbs up on the bar stool and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender looks at the string and says, “We don’t serve your kind in this place.”
The string gets up and walks outside.
He ties himself into a knot, frays up the ends of himself and walks back into the bar.
He climbs back up on a stool and says, “I’d like a drink please.”
The bartender says, “Look! I told you before we don’t serve your type. You’re that same string who was in here earlier aren’t you?”
The string says, “Nope! I’m a frayed knot.”

I love that joke so much. Oh God I’ve become that ‘Kooky’ guy with the arrow on his head haven’t I?

Help me expand my repetoire won’t you? What are the best (and worst) jokes your kids are telling?

Melissa Summers
About the Author

Melissa Summers

Melissa Summers was a regular contributor writing Melissa’s Buzz Off.


Melissa Summers was a regular contributor writing Melissa’s Buzz Off.

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  • Virginia

    January 11, 2007 at 3:27 pm

    My kids love all of the “no arm – no legs” jokes (cruel I know)….
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming in the ocean? Bob
    There is a seemingly never-ending string of these jokes. My least favorite joke is the one my husband tells the kids constantly…A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says Hey! Why the long face? ba-dum-dum.

  • Nicole

    January 11, 2007 at 3:39 pm
    This is my favourite variation on the “interrupting” knock knock joke. But I haven’t used it on my kids yet–just my brother-in-law.

  • juliloquy

    January 11, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    The frayed knot joke is a classic!
    My niece’s first remembered joke is:
    Q: Where do cows go on vacation?
    A: Moo York.
    Probably would still get the eye roll from Madison . . .

  • Lorie

    January 11, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    I am still laughing about the “frayed knot” joke because that is my favorite joke and I always get a laugh. Now I am thinking that people are just giving me the polite laugh. But it is still darn funny.
    My husband likes to tell a joke that is totally inappropriate and only funny to those who have a sick sense of humor like me. I think it is funny and it gets even funnier when you tell it in a room full of feminists:
    What do you tell a woman with a black eye?
    Nothing. You already told her once.
    Yeah, not funny to a lot of people and now I have just shared it with the internet.

  • CDawg

    January 11, 2007 at 3:56 pm

    Ah the endless Pirate jokes.
    What’s a pirate’s favorite food?
    (gesture Fist in a hooking motion)

  • abby

    January 11, 2007 at 3:59 pm

    What did the snail say while riding on the turtle’s back?

  • mircat

    January 11, 2007 at 4:08 pm

    Unfortunately, I find this joke incredibly funny. Does that mean I’m really only 4 years old instead of 29?
    What’s round and brown and lives in the forest?
    Winnie the Poop
    Also, I tell the frayed knot joke and it usually just gets groans to my giggles.

  • Rosetta

    January 11, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    Slightly inappropriate:
    What’s brown and sticky?
    A Stick

  • Woman with Kids

    January 11, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    My favorite joke as a kid, and sadly, now is this:
    What do you call a sleeping bull?
    A bulldozer!
    Get it? Right? Pretty funny stuff here!

  • mrvermont

    January 11, 2007 at 4:14 pm

    my daughter’s favorite joke is the classic: Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Banana who?
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Banana who?
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Orange who?
    Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana!
    She usually mucks some part up, but that just makes it even funnier!
    My favorite:
    Why don’t blind people skydive?
    It scares the sh#t out of their dogs.

  • srah

    January 11, 2007 at 4:25 pm

    Failed jokes are sometimes funnier than the original. Like this exchange between my great uncle (R) and his granddaughter (K), who was probably about 4 at the time:
    First, R tells the joke to K:
    R: Knock knock.
    K: Who’s there?
    R: Isabelle.
    K: Isabelle who?
    R: Is a bell necessary on a bike?
    Then later in the evening, K attempts to repeat the joke:
    K: Knock knock.
    R: Who’s there?
    K: … um, necessary on a bike.
    R: What happened to Isabelle?
    K: She fell off.

  • sherry

    January 11, 2007 at 4:30 pm

    What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
    Bunny farts.

  • pixie sticks

    January 11, 2007 at 4:33 pm

    Okay seriously, MY favorite joke of all time is a total kid joke:
    What did one snowman say to the other snowman??
    — Do you smell carrots?
    ha! gets me every.damn.time.

  • lyn

    January 11, 2007 at 4:40 pm

    What do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?

  • Lisa

    January 11, 2007 at 4:42 pm

    My step-daughter wouldn’t stop telling this one to us over the holidays
    There were two blondes driving through Oklahoma in their convertible at night. One blonde said to the other “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?” The other blonde answered “duh, can you see Florida?”

  • Daniel

    January 11, 2007 at 4:42 pm

    A man walks into a bar and says “Ow!”

  • roaringmommy

    January 11, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    Here’s one that my son used to torture us with allllllll the time:
    Why didn’t the shrimp share?
    Because, he was a little shellfish!

  • kelly

    January 11, 2007 at 4:45 pm

    we work the frayed knot joke weekly.
    Our other family favorite:
    Why aren’t clowns cannibals?
    They taste funny.

  • Daniel

    January 11, 2007 at 4:48 pm

    So this guy who always wanted a twin brother gets himself cloned. But the clone turns out to be an as****e, follows him around swearing at him all the time. Berates him in front of his friends, puts down his Mother, generally makes a nuisance of himself.
    Nonetheless they go on vacation together to the Grand Canyon. As they’re standing at the rim communing with the sublime granduer of the natural world, the clone won’t shut up. He’s still swearing up a storm like a tourettes addled coke fiend. Finally the guy can’t stand it anymore and he shoves his clone over the edge.
    Of course the police show up to arrest him.
    “What’s the charge officer?”
    “Making an obscene clone fall.”

  • Flydaddy

    January 11, 2007 at 4:56 pm

    A man walks into a bar with his pet newt. He places the newt on the bar and introduces him to the bartender as, “Tiny.” “Why ‘Tiny’?” Asks the bartender. The man replies, “Because, he’s my newt!”

  • elleninha

    January 11, 2007 at 5:04 pm

    What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

  • Melanie

    January 11, 2007 at 5:05 pm

    Hi there, just stumbled over here and had to share my all time fave:
    A man is at a bar alone, having a few drinks, when he hears, “You look great in that suit.” He looks around but he’s the only one there, so he chalks it up to being tired, orders another drink and hears, “Your eyes are gorgeous.” He’s really confused but is pretty stressed out, so he orders another drink and waits. Soon he hears, “You look thinner, have you been working out?” Really starting to freak out, he calls the bartender over and asks, “Man, I think I need something to eat. Do you have a menu?” to which the bartender replies, “No, but the peanuts are complimentary.”

  • Unruly Duckling

    January 11, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    My mom’s favorite joke:
    Ask me if I’m a doctor.
    Are you a doctor?

  • Debbi

    January 11, 2007 at 5:26 pm

    I learned this off the Doodlebops (I have a 3yo!):
    knock knock
    who’s there?
    Cowsay who?
    No silly- cows say moo!!
    Cow can be interchanged with other animals too! my 6yo sees them coming though and rolls her eyes at me.
    One they tell all the time that drives me crazy:
    knock knock
    who’s there?
    banana who?
    Aren’t you going to eat me because I’m a banana!!

  • MsShad

    January 11, 2007 at 5:50 pm

    Oh man, the blind skydiver’s one just killed me.

  • Nicole

    January 11, 2007 at 5:54 pm

    “Did you hear about the guy who was in a really bad accident and lost the whole left side of his body?”
    “He’s all right now.”

  • skroll63

    January 11, 2007 at 5:55 pm

    Two blinds are standing on either side of a river. One blond says to the other, “How do I get to the other side?” The blond answers, “You are on the other side.” HEEEEE

  • amy

    January 11, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    The current favorite around here is the classic:
    Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven eight nine!
    Never gets old.

  • MomVee

    January 11, 2007 at 6:27 pm

    Can’t help you right now. I’m suffering from let-down; I was so excited to force my “frayed knot” joke on all of your readers. To me, the best part of that joke is the beginning: I love the image of a piece of string walking into a bar.

  • Tracy

    January 11, 2007 at 6:36 pm

    My kids current fave:
    Knock Knock.
    Who’s there?
    I eat mop.
    I eat mop who?
    You eat your poo?
    (Say it out loud if it doesn’t make sense at first.)

  • greta

    January 11, 2007 at 6:40 pm

    this is my husband’s all time favorite — not sure what that means.
    a grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    the bartender says, “hey, we have a drink named after you!”
    the grasshopper says, “really? you have a drink named murray?”

  • Amy B.

    January 11, 2007 at 6:44 pm

    Here are my (clean) favorites:
    1. What did the 0 (zero) say to the 8?
    “Nice belt!”
    2. Why didn’t the worms go onto Noah’s Ark in an apple?
    Because everyone had to go in pairs!
    and finally,
    3. Nurse: Doctor, there’s an invisible man in your waiting room.
    Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now.
    HAhahahaha! I slay me.

  • Amy C

    January 11, 2007 at 6:44 pm

    New all time favorite, loved it, and will have to share it soon~
    A man walks into a bar and says “Ow!”
    My 7 year old’s current fave~
    How do you make a handkerchief dance?
    Put a little boogie in it.

  • WendyP

    January 11, 2007 at 7:16 pm

    I loved the elephant jokes when I was little: Why did the elephant wear tennies? Because nine-ies were too little, and eleven-ies were too big!

  • Pants

    January 11, 2007 at 7:30 pm

    Whenever I have a fortune cookie, this is the fortune I claim to have received:
    Man going through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

  • Colleen

    January 11, 2007 at 7:55 pm

    What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
    Not(ch) yo cheese.
    What did the boy say when the dog went off the cliff?
    Dog gone!

  • Andi

    January 11, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    Which part of a fish weighs the most?
    The scales.

  • loloeleven

    January 11, 2007 at 8:10 pm

    when we were younger one of our favorite knock-knock jokes was:
    knock knock
    who’s there?
    mickey mouse’s underwear
    or my grandmother’s personal favorite:
    Where did the general keep his armies?
    Up his sleevies!

  • veg4me

    January 11, 2007 at 8:22 pm

    If you are an American when you go into the bathroom and you are an American when you come out of the bathroom….What are you while you are in the bathroom?
    European… of course!

  • Tonia

    January 11, 2007 at 8:34 pm

    I like to tell a series of “interrupting x” knock-knock jokes and end with this one:
    Who’s there?
    Automatic interrupting owl.
    (Self-generated punchlines rock!)

  • Wynter

    January 11, 2007 at 8:34 pm

    HA! I’ll definitely be adding some of these to our repertoire. The Frayed Knot is a long time fave.
    One that makes me giggle every time …
    What’s green and has 18 wheels?
    Grass. I lied about the wheels.

  • Nicole

    January 11, 2007 at 8:45 pm

    My absolute favorite takes a lot of patience and is best told by someone who usually mucks up jokes.
    Part 1:
    A guy was going to build a round building. He calculated that he’d need 499 bricks. He went to the brickyard, andhe found out that they only sell bricks in lots of 500. He buys the 500 bricks. He has one left over. You know what he does? He throws it up in the air.
    Okay, now all of you think I”m crazy and that Ican’t tell jokes. Wait awhile, and an hour later tell this joke:
    Back when they allowed smoking on airplanes, there was a man smoking a cigar. He was seated next to a woman with a yippy little lap dog. Whenever the guy would light up, the dog would start barking. The flight attendant comes back and tells the woman to shut the dog up, and the omwan points out its the cigar upsetting the dog. The flight attendant tells the man no smoking.
    But he can’t handle it and has to light up again, and the flight attendant comes back and says the same thing. Then it happens again. Then it happens again…Finally, the flight attendant takes the cigar and the dog, goes to the emergency exit and throws both of them out of the plane.
    A couple of minutes later, the dog’s owner screams. Looking out the window she sees her dog, and you know what was in his mouth? The brick!!
    Okay, maybe it’s just bad..but in the right crowd with panache, it can redeem a bad joke teller reputation.

  • Vanessa

    January 11, 2007 at 9:31 pm

    What’s red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
    A frog in a blender!
    What’s red and green and brown and goes 100 miles an hour?
    The same frog a week later!
    The tomato/ketchup joke reminded me of this incredibly lame, um, I mean smooth thing I once did to flirt with a guy I liked. Here’s how it goes: While eating your salad at a restaurant, remove a cherry tomato and cut a mouth-like slit across the center. Hold the tomato up, squeeze the sides to make it look like the mouth is moving, and say “I’m Tommy Tomato, and I don’t feel good!” Then squeeze the sides of the tomato really hard, making the seeds and goo come flowing out as if the tomato is throwing up.
    Everyone else at the table groaned, but the guy I liked laughed. Later we got married, so there must be something to it. 🙂

  • KarinGal

    January 11, 2007 at 10:09 pm

    When my son was three he told us his first joke:
    The cows went to the mooooovies.
    He hasn’t told us another joke since, and now he’s nearly five. I guess he’s not the joke type.
    But say “poopy diapers” or “doodypants,” and he’ll squeal with laughter for hours.

  • katielee

    January 11, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    What do you call someone else’s cheese?
    Nacho cheese.
    It really has to be said out loud to work…

  • Susan Wagner

    January 11, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    My four-year-old loves this joke (which I think I learned from Mir): Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, “Whoo, it’s hot in here.” And the second muffin says, “AAAGH! A talking muffin!”
    From my six-year-old: What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb?
    “I’m feeling a little burned out.”

  • Meganann

    January 11, 2007 at 10:47 pm

    I have two favorites, even though I am the worst joke-teller I know.
    1. Why doesn’t Fred ride a bike? Because he is a fish.
    2. 2 peanuts were walking down the street and one was asaulted….peanut.
    ba dum ching
    thank you very much

  • Dana

    January 11, 2007 at 10:50 pm

    My favourite joke as a kid was an elephant joke:
    Why did the elephant paint yellow stripes down its back?
    So it could hide in the middle of the road!
    Have you ever seen an elephant in the middle of the road?
    Works pretty well, doesn’t it.
    I also have a soft spot for my grandfather’s favourite joke, misogynistic as it is:
    She didn’t like my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
    Great collection of jokes so far! Can I be the only one who has NEVER even heard the frayed string?

  • carson

    January 11, 2007 at 10:56 pm

    Knock Knock
    Whose there
    Banana who
    Banana who
    Orange who
    Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana again
    This was the first joke my 3 year old sort of learned but he doesn’t get it and so after the “whose there” bit he randomly shouts out different foods… pasta, pizza, chocolate.. and that is actually much funnier than the joke

  • Ezza

    January 11, 2007 at 11:33 pm

    What’s a pirate’s favorite holiday?
    ARR-bor day.

  • Erica

    January 12, 2007 at 12:23 am

    what about your momma jokes?

  • miss mary

    January 12, 2007 at 12:31 am

    This was the best of the jokes from our Christmas crackers last year. American kids probably won’t get this one, but if you speak “British” it’s pretty good.
    Q: What do you call a man whose been buried in a bog for twenty years?
    A: Pete

  • Melanie

    January 12, 2007 at 12:32 am

    Oh, I was gonna add the orange ya glad one, that’s my favorite!! I only know that and jokes that are already here. I suck. But now my son will be well-armed with good jokes!

  • Amy

    January 12, 2007 at 12:42 am

    I’m with the others who had never heard of the string joke. Printing these out, thinking my kids would enjoy!

  • tami

    January 12, 2007 at 12:50 am

    My 7 year old loves this joke. It makes her 11 year old brother roll his eyes.
    Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
    Good food, no atmosphere.

  • De

    January 12, 2007 at 1:19 am

    My 6yo’s favorite joke at the moment is…
    What kind of car does a pig drive?
    A pig-up truck.
    We also taught him a variation of the pirate movie joke, which goes:
    Why couldn’t the child see the pirate movie?
    Because it’s rated arrrrrgh.

  • Megan

    January 12, 2007 at 1:22 am

    Q: What’s the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?
    A: I don’t know.
    So YOU’RE the one! That’s disgusting!

  • Michelle

    January 12, 2007 at 1:32 am

    What’s yellow and highly dangerous?
    Shark-infested banana pudding!

  • Michelle

    January 12, 2007 at 1:33 am

    Not so much for kids but still clean and seriously funny:
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
    “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
    “And what do you deduce from that?”
    Watson ponders for a minute.
    “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
    Holmes is silent for a moment.
    “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

  • Nora

    January 12, 2007 at 2:31 am

    This is one of those jokes youprobably don’t want to teach your kids, at least until it’s summer and you’re safely at the beach:
    (‘J’ is for ‘Joker’ here, ‘C’ is for ‘Chump’)
    J: Knoch knock.
    C: Who’s there?
    J: John.
    C: John who?
    (J pours a bucket of water over C’s head)
    J: John the baptist!

  • daring one

    January 12, 2007 at 4:00 am

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Control freak. (slight pause). Now you say, “Control freak who?”

  • KYouell

    January 12, 2007 at 4:17 am

    My fave is from a book named 101 Pickle Jokes. I read it on the drive from Hollywood, Florida up to Orlando during Thanksgiving vacation 1974 (I was 9). I will never forget how my step-mom tried to calm my driving dad down by telling him it was a small book and it would be over soon; so when I finished I started over at the beginning without missing a beat. Oh, the look on my dad’s face when he realized he had heard them before! Meanwhile, I was slaying my 6-year-old brother. I’m surprised he didn’t pee his pants. It was my only joke telling success.
    What is green and goes “slam, slam, slam, slam?”
    A 4-door pickle!
    Pretty much you can take all the elephant and newspaper jokes (what’s black and white and read all over?), change a color to green and it is now a pickle joke. There weren’t many originals in the book.

  • birchsprite

    January 12, 2007 at 6:01 am

    Did you hear about the magic tractor……
    …….It turned into a field.
    (I think you have to be a bit rural to like it)

  • Aaron

    January 12, 2007 at 6:31 am

    Knock Knock.
    Who’s There?
    Control freak. Now you say, “Control freak who?”.

  • Maddy

    January 12, 2007 at 7:21 am

    What’s red and sits in the corner?
    A very naughty bus.
    Best. Joke. Ever!

  • Ros

    January 12, 2007 at 11:14 am

    What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonky!
    Or my all time favorite name joke:
    What do call a guy with leaves on his head?

  • VenturaMom

    January 12, 2007 at 11:23 am

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Boo who?
    Don’t cry little baby.
    Why did the snail cross the road? To get to the Shell station.
    Where do pirates go for lunch? Arrrrrrby’s
    What are a pirates two favorite letters of the alphabet? X marks the spot and Rrrrrrrr.
    My 3yo kills with those.

  • karen

    January 12, 2007 at 11:35 am

    At 6, my daughter’s favorite was:
    What did one wall say to the other wall?
    Meet you at the corner!
    In the (ahem) 80’s when Ethiopia was starving, the joke was:
    How many Ethiopians can hide behind a tree?
    All of them!
    And then there’s the ever-popular:
    Kid: Mrs. Smith, can Timmy come out and play?
    Mrs: Smith: But you know Timmy has no arms or legs.
    Kid: We know, but we need him for 2nd base.
    I know, I know, stone me now….

  • Angie

    January 12, 2007 at 11:42 am

    My all time favorite joke:
    What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
    Eileen (I lean)

  • Emily

    January 12, 2007 at 12:37 pm

    If you like the frayed knot joke, you might like a book called Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem. The joke is featured in a great way and the story of a detective with Tourette’s is a cool twist on the genre.

  • erika

    January 12, 2007 at 12:50 pm

    I’m dying over the “I eat mop” knock-knock joke.
    From my niece and nephew:
    “Hey, guess what?”
    “Chicken butt”
    Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy.
    Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn’t mushroom!

  • Jennifer

    January 12, 2007 at 12:54 pm

    This one was always a hit when I was a child:
    Oscar raises his hand in class, “Mrs. Johnson, I have to go to the bathroom!”
    She says, “Not now, Oscar. It’s time for a lesson. Recite the alphabet for me.”
    He says “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”
    Mrs. Johnson says, “But Oscar where’s the p, where’s the p?”
    Oscar says. “Running down my leg.”

  • Michele

    January 12, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    One day, an Indian (Native American-type) walks into his therapists office.
    “Doc,” he says. “I’m having trouble sleeping. Some days I feel like I’m a teepee and some days I feel like I’m a wigwam.”
    Doctor says, “The problem is that you’re two tents.” (tense)
    A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me!”

  • Tammy

    January 12, 2007 at 3:42 pm

    Another elephant joke (PG)
    1)Why did the elephant paint his b@lls green?
    So he could hide in an avocado tree.
    2) Have you ever seen an elephant in an avocado tree?
    Works pretty well, doesn’t it?
    3) Do you know how Tarzan died?
    Picking avocados.

  • Christy

    January 12, 2007 at 5:06 pm

    My 4-year old reliably tells this joke well.
    Q: How do you make an elephant float?
    A: Just add ice cream!

  • kalisah

    January 12, 2007 at 5:25 pm

    My Kid’s first favorite joke was:
    What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
    Nacho cheese.

  • kika

    January 12, 2007 at 6:00 pm

    My father is known equally for his bad joke telling and his pretense to scientific knowledge. It’s from him I heard the frayed knot joke as well as these:
    (my all time favorite) A man is driving down a country road and notices on a farm a pig with a wooden leg. He thinks to himself, “I have to stop and get the story on this”. So he stops and goes and knocks on the farmer’s door and asks him what happened to the pig. The farmer says, “here awhile back we had a big fire and that pig rushed in and saved every member of my family”. The man says, “Oh, and his leg got burned in the fire?” The farmer replies, “No, but you don’t eat a pig that special all at one time.”
    Three little asparagus are trying to cross a busy road. The first one makes a run for it and just barely makes it without being hit. Same for the second little asparagus. The third little asparagus gets his courage up and makes a run for it, but “slam” he gets run over by a tractor trailer. Later, at the hospital, the doctor comes out to talk to his two friends and says, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, your friend is going to pull through. The bad news is he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
    And lastly,
    A man is walking down a country road and sees a rabbit hopping along by the edge of the road. He sees a car come past and run right over the rabbit. The car stops, a man gets out, opens his trunk, gets out an aerosol can and sprays the runover rabbit with it and tosses the can on the ground and goes on his way. The walking man watches, amazed as the rabbit gets up and begins to hop away, turning every few hops to wave over his shoulder. The man is intrigued and goes over and picks up the can and reads the label. It reads, “Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave”.
    Oh, my. Now you know why I never ask my father to explain anything relating to science. 🙂

  • Peggasus

    January 12, 2007 at 6:41 pm

    A variation on the string joke:
    Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here.”

  • Sheila

    January 12, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    From my six year old:
    Have I told you the story about the butter?
    Maybe I’d better not– you might spread it around.

  • Daniel

    January 12, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg longer than the other?

  • Daniel

    January 12, 2007 at 7:54 pm

    Did you hear about the whale who puked?
    It’s all over town.

  • Daniel

    January 12, 2007 at 8:01 pm

    My Daughter cracked me up with this one.
    What’s my name?
    her name
    Will you remember me tomorrow?
    Will you remember me next year?
    Will you remember me in ten years?
    Will you remember me etc… 100years, 1000 years…
    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    You forgot me already!

  • Jenni

    January 12, 2007 at 8:12 pm

    Teacher to Child: Do you know where Moscow is?
    Child: In the barn, next to Pa’s Cow.
    Snort… I slay me.

  • Liz

    January 13, 2007 at 12:34 am

    Three men are in a church praying when the church bells suddenly begin to ring. Knowing the church is empty except for them, the three go outside to investigate and are shocked to see a man on the roof running full speed towards the church bell. He slams into the bell, making it ring, then picks himself up, walks back across the roof, and turns around and runs back towards the bell again. But this time, he slips before he reaches the bell and falls to his death. The three men call the authorities, and when they arrive, a policeman asks “Do any of you know this man?” One guy says “No, but his face sure rings a bell.”
    HORRIBLE. Hahaha… I love it.

  • Kelly

    January 13, 2007 at 4:02 am

    About halfway through reading your post, I started thinking, ‘oh! oh! I have to comment my favorite ‘frayed knot’ joke, and then found you’d already listed it. (Truly, and sadly, I’m 32 and that joke still cracks me up). D’oh! So then of course, I thought, I’ll tell my second favorite, “Horse walks into the bar/Why the long face” and see that someone else already listed it.
    So I’ll go with the third-favorite,
    Two guys walk into the bar’
    …And the third one ducks.
    Ba dum bum.
    And I’m always trying to remember some joke that used to crack me up when my grandma used to tell about two unfortunate ‘handicapped’ souls (I didn’t say it was PC) who go on a blind date, but all I can remember is the punchline, which is “Would I? “Wood I?” and then the guy yells back at her, “Hair Lip! Hair Lip!”
    I wish I could remember it, because it used to send me into gales of laughter. Of course, I was ten at the time.

  • Lori

    January 13, 2007 at 11:56 am

    I can’t believe these ones aren’t posted yet:
    How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    You ‘neak up on it.
    How do you catch a tame one?
    Dee Tame Way!
    Kills me every time!

  • Vanessa

    January 13, 2007 at 3:28 pm

    My daughter would like to add this one:
    Have you heard about the lost octopus?
    He was squidnapped!

  • Velma

    January 13, 2007 at 5:04 pm

    My daughter came off the school bus with this one last week:
    “Mom, how do you spell ‘icup?'”
    Nice, huh?

  • Kismet

    January 14, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?
    Knock knock?
    Who’s there?
    I’m a pile up.
    I’m a pile up who?
    (that one is best said aloud)
    This one told at Thanksgiving.
    What did the mommy turkey say to her naughty youngsters?
    “If your father could see you know he’d turn over in his gravy!”
    What do you call a guy with no arms/legs and lays in front of the door?

  • katie

    January 14, 2007 at 4:42 pm

    My youngest daughter (Charlotte) has a funny sense of humor. At 2, she told my favorite joke, ever, based on hearing her older sisters telling knock-knock jokes.
    Charlotte: Knock, knock.
    Me: Who’s there?
    Charlotte: It’s me, Mama! Charlotte!
    And a while later, when she was obsessed with pirates, she made up her own pirate joke.
    Charlotte: Who’s a pirate’s favorite girl? Ch-ARRRRR-lotte!

  • BrokeMom

    January 15, 2007 at 4:30 pm

    My long-standing favorite joke for years has been Interrupting Cow. You just can’t beat the interrupting cow…well, maybe the starfish can…hmmm…

  • CDawg

    January 15, 2007 at 6:55 pm

    What did the bird say to the doctor?
    A Tweetment, I NEED a tweetment!

  • Kristine

    January 17, 2007 at 2:31 pm

    No one said this one, I’m shocked:
    Knock Knock
    Who’s There?
    Dwayne Who?
    Dwanye the bathtub I dwowning.

  • Pascha

    January 18, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    This was my absolute favorite joke ever when I was a kid:
    Why did the elephant wear a diaper to the party?
    Because he didn’t want to be a party pooper.
    It still makes me giggle.

  • Janna

    January 20, 2007 at 11:58 pm

    I first heard a guy tell this to some high school kids we were mentoring. He goes, “You’re telling jokes? I got a GREAT knock-knock joke. You wanna hear it? Ok, you start.”
    The kid goes, “OK! Knock knock!”
    He goes, “Who’s there?”
    The kid just looks kind of confused.
    However, the best was when, a few minutes later, he tried this with my boyfriend.
    Guy: You start.
    Boyfriend: Knock knock.
    Guy: Who’s there?
    Boyfriend: Uh….Shawn.
    Guy: Shawn who?
    The rest of us: (hysterical laughter).
    Shawn’s last name is Hu. After learning this, Guy shook boyfriend’s hand and said he was honored to be in the presence of one whose name was so perfect for this joke.

  • Meredith

    January 23, 2007 at 11:11 pm

    I had just spent the afternoon reading these jokes while goofing off at work. When I picked my kids up from the sitter, my daughter offered up this knock knock joke, which has her howling with laughter every time she tells it:
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    P Who?
    Then I tried out my new Interrupting Cow material that I learned here. Kids loved it, but they love anything when I first come home from work. My daughter even tried it. Her timing was off but that’s because she’s inherited her dad’s sense of humor (no offense, hon). The starfish knock knock joke? Killer stuff.

  • Jim

    January 29, 2007 at 4:40 pm

    I came to your site because I call my mother-in-law everyday with a joke and I’ve run out. I used to email her jokes but now she has maculate degreneration and is blind. She’s a wonderful woman and although she has 7 children, I’m the only one who makes her laugh every day. Anyway, I do remember that hair lip joke and it was always me favorite.
    I’ll try to tell it right….
    A very popular and nice guy was in a an accident and lost an eye. He was devistated and embarassed and with little money became a recluse.
    Years later an old friend saw him and told him he knew a man down at the wharf that was a whittler. With a hard wood and some paint he could whittle and paint a perfect eye and no one would ever know.
    After a few weeks the man agreed and went and saw the whittler. After the eyes was finished and inserted in the socket the man started coming out of his shell.
    In a couple of weeks, shakenly, the man decided he would finally go out in public. On a Saturday night he dicided to go to a local dance.
    For over an hour he sat along a wall nervously looking at the others not dancing. He watched one young woman that was very pretty wearing a red dress. She was wonderful in every way except she apparently had a hair lip. He finally had the courage to approach her.
    He walked across the room and said “would you like to dance”?
    “Would I would I”
    “Hair lip hair lip”
    I still chuckle telling this joke. Thank you for some new jokes to read to my Mother-in-law.

  • Heather

    February 4, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    Okay, coming in late here, but linked from Procrastamom. Here’s my all time favorite:
    A man is driving along a dusty road and comes across another man walking along the side of the road and he is only wearing one shoe. He pulls up beside the guy, rolls down the window and says “Hey, what happened? Lose a shoe?” The other guys shakes his head and says “No – found one”.
    I gut myself every time I think of it.
    I’ll be here all week….

  • sherri

    February 7, 2007 at 11:54 am

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Who who?
    Is there an owl in here?
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Boo who?
    Sorry, didn’t mean to make you cry.

  • Haley

    February 7, 2007 at 3:20 pm

    My favorite when I was little(oh so long ago…) was:
    How do you stop an elephant from charging?
    Take away his credit card!

  • Melanie

    February 9, 2007 at 2:34 pm

    My co-worker’s favourite:
    Two cows are eating grass on a hillside. One turns to the other and says, “Moo.” The other says, “I was going to say that!”

  • Peggy U

    February 19, 2007 at 11:26 pm

    Q. Why don’t elephants smoke?
    A. Because their butts are too big to fit in the ashtrays.

  • myss Teree

    February 21, 2007 at 12:39 am

    A string walks into a bar —
    “ow! dang…. that really hurt.”
    There is an entire stand up routine for 4-7 year olds in here somewhere. Thanks to all that contributed.
    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground Beef.

  • HollieH

    October 16, 2007 at 9:46 pm

    This is my favourite blonde joke of all time:
    Did you hear about the 2 blondes who froze to death?
    ~They went to the drive-in to see “Closed for the Winter”.

  • LW

    March 10, 2008 at 12:14 am

    An old couple go to visit with another old couple.
    The two old men are talking and one says to the other, “We went to a restaurant last night that had really good food but… uh…. I can’t…. um….. I can’t remember the name of it. Let’s see…. um…. you know that pretty flower, the kind that has thorns on it.”
    “You mean a rose?” says the second old man.
    “Yeah that’s it.” says the first old man. “Hey Rose where did we go to eat last night?”

  • jokster

    June 21, 2008 at 3:16 am

    Q: i have 3 tails 4 eyes and 5 legs, what am i?
    A: a liar

  • stargoop

    February 14, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    My son’s first joke (he was 4) was:
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To get to the other side
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To get to the other side
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To get to the other side
    then just as the smiles are looking strained
    Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
    A: Because there were too many chickens in the way!
    We tried to teach him the knot joke to tell to our friends but at the punch line when the bartender says “hey aren’t you that string that was in here?” he nervously replied .. “no”
    Dad-to-kids joke:
    A guy is driving down the freeway with a lion (insert animal of choice) in the passenger seat when he is pulled over by a cop.
    The cop is very upset and says “Hey you can’t drive around with a wild lion in your car. If you don’t take him to the zoo right away I’m going to give you a ticket!
    The driver says “Sure officer I’ll do that right away” and drives off
    The next day the policeman sees the same guy in the car with the lion sitting next to him again so the cop pulls the car over and angrily says ” Hey, didn’t I tell you to get that lion over to the zoo?”
    To which the driver replies “Sure did, thanks for the suggestion. We had so much fun at the zoo that today we’re going to the beach”
    Another Dad-to-kids joke I never got:
    Same dad used to tell a longer version of the wooden pig joke (told by KIKA)but I never got it until while ago when I used it to explain to my boss that giving me harder (physical)work than everyone else at my job just because I was capable of doing it was not really a compliment.

  • Leesha

    May 24, 2009 at 2:33 am

    I can’t believe nobody has put the smile joke up yet. This was always my favorite and could get a smile out of anyone!
    -What’s the longest word in the english language?
    ~Smiles…because there’s a mile inbetween the ‘s’es.
    You have to get it…