The year in Wonderland!
Ah, 2007. Remember that year? With the thing, and the guy? Over there? It seems like yesterday, I tell you.
In honor of the past year, and also that my brain is still so addlepated from the holiday festivities that I can barely tie my shoes, much less read a paper, I give you a roundup of some Wonderland highlights. Read, reminisce, re-enrage yourselves.
We started the year with a bang—or a squoosh, anyway. “Kids are fat!” cried researchers, and it was hardly the only time they did so this year. Every week, I read another study decrying the pudginess of our youth. Fat, fat, fat! Fat kids! AAAAIIIEEE!
In February, we learned that we’re not only fat, we’re also endangering our children, and we’re smeared with fecal matter. Our New Year’s resolutions are going right down the toilet, aren’t they. (Pun intended!) On the bright side, I got to use the term “microscopic pooplets.”
March told us that we’re also sleepy. Women, it seems, are more sleep-deprived than men, and sleep deprivation has been linked to lapses in moral judgment. So we can’t be held responsible for that thing we did. Favorite phrase from this one: “hot, relentless marital privilege.” I am a little too amused by myself.
In our next Wonderland month, that being the cruelest month of April, the ablebodied Ms. Jenn Mattern took over for me, and wrote about princesses. To her credit, she used boldface to great effect, and came off looking more authoritative than I ever could. I am now considering using more boldface. What do you think?
Then there was May: the birds were singing, the plants were planting, and I was agonizing over my religious and spiritual side. So I pretended it was news and stuck it on up here. And many dear readers offered to pray for me. Uh, thanks!
June brought us rapists and salmonella. Let’s move on.
July! July offered up the breathtaking news of a child being booted from a plane for saying “Bye, plane!”—and I revealed the horrible secret of flight attendants TO THE WORLD. Or at least the eight people who read it.
As August rolled in, we received more news that parents have messed up their children. Baby Einstein, it seems, makes kids all stupid. Harvard, I predict, will close its doors in 2020. You heard it here first! Thanks, Julie Aigner-Clark. You killer of brain cells.
In September I managed to piss off all manner of people with my firm stance against the Croc. Just because they mangle sweet little baby toes, and also they’re hideous. I stand by my opinion. What are you going to do, kick me with your candy-hued plastic shoes? HA HA HA HA ouch.
In October, Hasbro forced our little girls back where they belong: in their tiny kitchen/nursery hut, where only their little-mommy dreams could live. Feminists everywhere wept.
Then came November, when Liz from Mom101 reported on a girl who was sent to detention for hugging her friend. This is almost as good as the kid being ejected from the plane for bidding it farewell. Humanity never fails to provide us with excellent source material.
Finally, here we are, in December. Our children are still plump, our televisions are still eroding their brains, our heavy metals are lowering their IQs even further. But at least our jobs aren’t bumming us out. And that’s something, right?
It’s been an excellent year, here at AlphaMom. I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to another twelve months of dispiriting studies, damning research, and absurd news items. Bring it on, world. And happy new year, my friends.