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New-Baby Boundaries

May02

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Advice Smackdown ArchivesHelloooo Amalah.

I just want to let you know, I <3 you so much because you help me get through pumping sessions at work- I’ve even started reading your excellent archives to help keep me from quitting before my boobs are empty ( I ABHOR pumping, love you and why can’t I just bring my baby to work).

Anyway, I kinda have a 2 part question. First, my mother (who has no feelings really, so why am I listening to her) is convincing me that I have postpartum depression. I work in a hospital and don’t like to bother my doc unless I HAVE to because I could have to work with them at anytime and don’t want them thinking I’m crazy. Anyways, I’ve cried 4 times since having the baby….er okay like 6. Twice the first week because my body was gross and I’d never look good again, and because my mom was going on and on about how I was holding my WEEK old baby boy TOO MUCH wtf. And then again when I went back to work because I was worried that he would laugh for the first time at day care, and because my baby was going to be away from me all day. Well, on the last day of my second week back at work I literally cried the last 3 hours of work. 5 days in a row away from my 10 week old was just too much! I wanted him in my arms so bad. I could not stop crying. Is that normal? Or am I depressed? I thought postpartum depression was more, I don’t want to be with my kid, not I can’t stand being away from him?

Second, so haha Mr and Mrs we’ll never bring our baby into our bed, are cosleeping because hey, one night I fell asleep breastfeeding laying down and we slept 6 HOURS omg. And now my husband tells me he secretly loves it and wants the baby to keep cosleeping with us for a long while. Well, next month we are traveling to see our families and will be staying at their homes. I’m sooooooo worried they will discover our little cosleeping secret and we won’t ever hear the end of it (both sets of parents already warned us prebaby to never bring the baby into bed). Any advice on what to say besides its our baby and we will raise him as we will? Plus I’ve already kinda said to my mom yeah sure he sleeps all night in his crib…. I thought about printing the benefits of cosleeping pamphlet my lactation consultant gave me and waving that around….

Thanks so much!

Ugh. I am so sorry your family is butting into your life and business so much right now. Because that’s exactly what they’re doing. There’s a line between “helping the first-time parents” and “completely overstepping,” and…that line has been crossed. Your baby, your family, your choices. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you’re doing things differently than they think you should — or differently from how you THOUGHT this parenthood thing would shake out — and I really don’t like how you’re basically being made to question yourself, your mental state and the choices you AND your husband have made, to the point that it’s clearly causing anxiety. (To which your mom would say, OMG ANXIETY OH NOOOOOES, I’d imagine.) Not cool, parents.

While I am sure your mother genuinely believes she has your best interest at heart, and while I am absolutely not qualified to diagnose PPD over the Internet…you sure sound pretty darn normal to me. I cried a lot the first week or two after my babies were born. I cried because breastfeeding didn’t work out very well with my firstborn and I cried when I went back to work and left him at daycare and I cried after my secondborn because I kept getting colds and sinus infections and he wouldn’t ever let me put him down and I was tired.

But postpartum depression is more than the occasional crying jag. It’s a lot more. It’s a persistent, pervasive feeling of hopelessness. Emptiness. A loss of pleasure, joy or happiness in everyday life that you just can’t shake away or explain. Intrusive, nerve-jangling anxiety that interferes with your life on a daily basis. A significant change in appetite or weight (loss OR gain), and trouble concentrating and sleeping (even when you are given the chance to sleep without baby-related interruptions). Some women report OCD-type symptoms (often related to toxins or a compulsive fear that you aren’t keeping things clean or “pure” enough for your baby). Then there’s postpartum psychosis, which tends to be the one we hear about on the news the most, after a new mother has harmed herself or her child in some way.

If you have any of these symptoms, then, yes. Talk to your doctor. But a couple hormonally-charged crying fits that you can easily pin on a specific, external reason? Really not sending up any red flags for me here. There’s a wide, wide (and normal) medium between postpartum depression and being Miss Postpartum Susy Sunshine Everything Is FABULOUS, you know? Even the extended crying at work still doesn’t really doesn’t wig me out, personally, because going back to work full-time that early (10 weeks!) is ROUGH. Of course it didn’t feel “right” to be away from your baby that much, that soon! Hell, for some women, it NEVER feels right. For others, it gets easier — much easier, even — but just because you wrestle with and second-guess your work decisions for awhile doesn’t immediately mean you’re depressed and hopeless and find no joy in work or home and woe, etc.

Perhaps your mom feels like she suffered from PPD without any support and she’s projecting. Perhaps she’s really tone-deaf to the fact that a lot of her “support” comes out sounding so accusatory and undermining. Maybe she just needs to hear you say, “Mom, thanks for your concern, but I am fine. Let’s not talk about this again.” and butt the hell out.

As for the second part of your question…well, it’s really the same situation dressed up in another hot-button topic, isn’t it? Your parents and in-laws have no jurisdiction over what goes on in your bedroom and it is just soooo not their business — whether it’s your baby or a swinger you found on Craigslist you’re bringing into your bed. But since you’re clearly stressing about this (and the fact that the topic was already discussed in such a passionate, almost-politically-charged fashion BEFORE you even had the baby), I’m guessing you guys just don’t have good boundaries set up with your families about what is your life, your call, your business. (AKA NOT THEIRS.) And it’s time to start building them, one brick/issue at a time.

The simple way to handle the co-sleeping thing is to simply drag a Pack-n-Play or something with you and set it up in your room, then lock the door. No one needs to know whether or not your son slept in the thing or with you or what. It is completely understandable that you want to pick your battles, and if this one ain’t one you particularly feel like fighting.

However…you’re only, what? Three months or so into this parenting thing, and your biggest struggle seems to be a never-ending wave of Opinions From Family Members. That’s not something that just magically goes away at any point. People don’t suddenly stop and think, “Oh look! They successfully kept their child alive and well until his first birthday! My work here is done.” It keeps happening. About sleep, food, milestones, school, holidays, haircuts, YOU NAME IT.

So you absolutely have my blessing and encouragement to tell everyone that yes, actually, the baby WILL be sleeping with you during this visit, because that’s what works. And because he’s your baby, and it’s your lactation-consultant-approved call, end of discussion. And then really, truly MAKE it the end of the discussion. Put your hand up and shake your head if they try to push the issue, and hold your ground. Because I sense the practice will come in handy for you guys, unfortunately enough.

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If there is a question you would like answered by Amalah on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to amyadvice@gmail.com.

Amazon Mom

About the author

Amalah

http://www.amalah.com
Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy's daily mothering adventures at Amalah. Also, it's pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

If there is a question you would like answered on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to amyadvice@gmail.com.

Amy also documented her second pregnancy (with Ezra) in our wildly popular Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to rising first-grader Noah, preschooler Ezra, and toddler Ike.


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25 Responses to “New-Baby Boundaries”

  1. Olivia May 02 at 1:24 pm Reply Reply

    On co-sleeping, I think a list of benefits and a run-down of how it’s done safely will be good to have, but you may want to start simply with just, “This is what works for us and we enjoy it/get better sleep with it.” Then, if they push any more whip out the facts. Also, if you have friends/co-workers who you know have co-slept you could use those perfectly well-adjusted children as examples that sleeping in the same bed with their parents did not mess them up.

    In addition to setting up boundaries, I suggest working on owning your parenting choices. Be confident because criticism can come at any time. I’ll be visiting some extended family I haven’t seen in years next week with my still nursing and bedsharing 2 yr old. I have know idea how they will feel about it, but I know what we do works for us and I’ll be happy to tell anyone who questions us that very thing.

  2. Kate May 02 at 1:50 pm Reply Reply

    Please. The crying! My vivid recollection is that I did A LOT of pp crying. Like, had to take the hubs to the pediatrician’s office becuase I couldn’t say the baby’s NAME (“hi, Baby X is here for his appt”) without crying. I felt ridiculous at the time. But it ended after not too long. Then reared it’s head again every once in awhile over 8 or so weeks. I actually remember sobbing around 8 wks pp becuase, in one measly month I’d have to go back to work and I’m not reeeeadyyy! So, yeah. You’re mom needs to cut you some damn slack with the crying. You’re a hormonal mess. and totally normal.

  3. Kate May 02 at 1:53 pm Reply Reply

    Oh jeez, my grammar: “your mom.” oops

  4. Jeannie May 02 at 2:18 pm Reply Reply

    I agree, the crying does sound totally normal to me! With other symptoms, sure, maybe you might want to check it out. But ten weeks pp is still crazy hormonal and being away from your baby it’s normal to be sad.

    And the co-sleeping. Oy, I’ve been there. I’m the only co-sleeping parent from a long line of die-hard crib-in-own-bedroom fans, so admitting I was doing it and sticking to my guns was HARD. (also I got a lit of “put the baby down!!” comments too.)

    What worked for us? Not discussing it. If questioned, say matter-of-factly that yes, he is STILL sleeping with us, thank you, and then moving on. If pressed I did talk about things I had tried (the “normal” things that “justified” it: yes, we HAVE tried putting him down sleepy but calm, it doesn’t work. Thanks!) and I did “arm” myself with stats, websites, and a list of things we did to keep the baby safe in our bed. I didn’t usually need them, because I made it clear up front that this was not up for discussion.

    I agree with Amalah and other commenters: you need to just own this decision. Are you happy? Is the baby? Is your husband / partner? Yes? Then it’s the RIGHT DECISION. And no one needs to question it. Not even your mom. :)

  5. Stefanie May 02 at 2:45 pm Reply Reply

    If you are at all concerned about PPD, take this questionnaire: http://www.aap.org/practicingsafety/toolkit_resources/module2/epds.pdf. I did have PPD and I took that same questionnaire at my psychiatrist’s office every week during treatment. But, from what you have described, your reaction to leaving your baby sound pretty normal to me! I cried when I left my daughter for the first time at daycare and she was 12 months old. And, five months later, at the end of the day when I’m walking to get her, my arms just ACHE at the thought of picking her up.
    As for the co-sleeping, I think this is something that people just feel very strongly about one way or the other. I wouldn’t bring it up at all, and if asked about it, you could say something like “Yeah, I’ve heard that sleep training works really well for some people. This is how we get the best sleep right now, so this is what we’re doing. We’ll adjust later if we need to, but we’re really happy right now!” You shouldn’t have to wave evidence in front of people that your parenting choices are right–they are your choices and your child!

  6. Operation Pink Herring May 02 at 3:08 pm Reply Reply

    Hey Amy, is there a way I can subscribe to just your posts on AlphaMom? I keep adding the links I think should work for your columns, but it ends up subscribing me to all of AlphaMom.

    **********************
    Here’s how you do it: http://alphamom.com/author/amy/feed/

  7. Kellie May 02 at 3:15 pm Reply Reply

    Oh, the crying!  Dear lord.  I cried SO much.  Your crying seems completely normal and like you are crying for actual reasons.  I cried for no damn reason and my doctor still declared me perfectly normal.  And for co-sleeping, isn’t it awesome?!?  I never in a million years thought that I would have an 11 month old sleeping in my bed, but let me tell you how much I love it.  We all sleep!  I used to set these completely ridiculous timelines on my co-sleeping…like “when she is 5 months old, she will sleep in her own room.”  But 5 months came and went, and I would give myself an extension of a month.  And then I made myself shut up and admit that I just love sleeping with my daughter and that is OK!

    As for your family, I really understand how hard it is to tell them all just to mind their own business’.  But it sounds like it is going to have to happen eventually, so you may as well just do it now.  Maybe even make a phone call before you can go on your trip… something like “Can’t wait to see you guys.  Just so you know, ____ sleeps with us in our bed.  Just want you to warned so you don’t make a big deal about it while we there.  Can’t wait to spend some time with you!”

    Good luck and congrats on your little one!

  8. Hillary May 02 at 3:32 pm Reply Reply

    This sounds so familiar – not the issues themselves so much as the way my mother and MIL made me feel in the few months after my daughter was born. I shouldn’t say ‘made me feel’ but rather ‘I felt whenever they opened their mouths and offered their unsolicited opinions.’ My issues were all related to breastfeeding – I had a lot of trouble with it and complained about the trouble and kept getting told to just stop and use a bottle and she would be fine, etc. etc. I FINALLY was able to articulate why their words were so upsetting when my daughter was around 2 months old. I felt like I couldn’t just say ‘butt out’ because I genuinely valued their experience and I didn’t want them out of my life. What I wanted was validation that in my insecure new parent way I wasn’t totally screwing up my baby. And every time they questioned what I was doing or told me to do something different it just reinforced my new parent insecurity. How can you be 100% immune to parenting criticism when you’re so confused and tired and desperate to do the right thing all the time for this new life you love so much? And when it is your mother who you generally trust that is questioning you and undermining your judgment? Basically, it is REALLY HARD. Ultimately you will need to come up with boundaries and confidence that what you’re doing IS the best thing (and, FWIW, it sounds like it is), but in the meanwhile, it may be helpful to explain to your mother WHY her comments are so hard for you hear – that was my experience anyway. I just stopped arguing the details and acknowledged that they thought their advice was helpful, but it was really just tearing down my confidence as a new parent. Hopefully all these comments are validating your decision to co-sleep! :)

  9. Leslie May 02 at 4:52 pm Reply Reply

    Amen to what has been said about postpartum waterworks!  I cried a river, most often over nothing at all, for the first several weeks.  Your hormones are wacky, you are experiencing major life changes, AND you’re putting up with junk from your family…lots of normal reasons for tears!  I actually had a little return of the emotional roller coaster this past week as my son turned one and we taper off from nursing.  Hormonally and experientially, motherhood is just an emotional roller coaster and that’s because we love our kids to pieces.  I think a few tears are a natural result of all that!  :)  

  10. Emoly May 02 at 9:01 pm Reply Reply

    My advice is to find a group of like-minded mamas.  I like the Kellymom.com forums where cosleeping is definitely the norm.  They help when you’re getting so much discouragement from the grandparent-types.

  11. Sara May 02 at 10:14 pm Reply Reply

    I’ve yet to have babies of my own, but I’ve stayed with my sister for a few weeks after she had her… and I would just like to say, the fact that you can COUNT how many times you’ve cried over ten weeks, you are GOLDEN. Everything your cried about… completely understandable, even not considering the hormonal roller coaster.

    Amen to Amalah’s advice though – I think stand your ground if you can and that doesn’t stress you out too much, tell them to butt out and go on doing what works for you. If that does seem too stressful, lie lie lie! Pac-n-play idea is brilliant. ;)

  12. Caitlyn May 02 at 11:13 pm Reply Reply

    The crying doesn’t sound like PPD to me either, but even without actual PPD it really does help to have someone to talk to.  If you’ve got a friend or sister or someone who is supportive and has been there and is available to talk, definitely find time to talk with her.  If you’re feeling very alone, a therapist-type person can actually be a great deal of help if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

  13. Julia May 03 at 12:34 am Reply Reply

    Seriously? Lie. Bring a Pack N’ Play (or whatever sleeping surface) along for the ride and do whatever works for you. Unless said relatives are offering to take over at 3AM, they don’t need to know what (literally) gets you through the night. Just refuse to discuss your sleeping/feeding/crying arrangements.

    I found this very helpful: http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=27 The key takeaway is this: “In setting boundaries, we don’t need to convince the other person you are right and they don’t have to agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if need be).”

  14. Tracy May 03 at 4:24 am Reply Reply

    This doesn’t sound like PPD to me. Crying 6 times just sounds very normal. However, and I cannot underscore this enough, PPD is NOT always experienced as “a persistent, pervasive feeling of hopelessness. Emptiness. A loss of pleasure, joy or happiness in everyday life that you just can’t shake away or explain.” Initially, I felt fine. I went back to work when my baby was 8 weeks old. But suddenly, when my baby was 4 months old, my occasional crying turned into crying EVERY DAY at work with my office door shut. I missed the baby so much I couldn’t stand it. I never felt “empty” or “hopeless” when I was WITH my baby. Only when I was at work. I felt like a horrible mother for leaving her with a nanny. I had to fight back tears in the middle of meetings. I finally went to a psychiatrist, who simply told me to take a few weeks off to spend more time with the baby, and then try coming back to work again. I did it, and came back to work again when she was 5 months old, and have never looked back. I feel great and I think I have a good balance between my work and home life. I don’t know why PPD struck me at 4 months post-partum like that. But it did, and it was awful. If you find yourself crying MORE, and you feel that something just isn’t right, then please, seek help. Baby blues can turn into PPD months after the baby is born.

  15. Cara May 03 at 10:07 am Reply Reply

    I agree with all the people who said ‘been there, done that and wasn’t depressed.” Hormones are crazy for a long while after baby is born. Life is crazy for even longer. Cut yourself some slack… But, if it will make you feel better, go ahead and check in with your doctor. Your main concern is not seeming professional, but my (wonderful) OB told me that I should call any time I was bothered during my pregnancy and that there was no way I was the first expectant mother to call with the same ‘crazy’ question. The same applies after baby is born. I’ve noticed most of my ‘just reassure me’ calls to the pediatrician begin with ‘I’m pretty sure this is no big deal, but I just thought I’d check.” And then they tell me ‘yep, no big deal, but we’re glad you called.’ And I really believe they aren’t rolling their eyes when I hang up, because I know for a fact that I am not the first mother to call.

    As for the co-sleeping, if you don’t want to have the battle, I second the pac and play idea or even just telling them that traveling is different and so baby is going to sleep with you to reassure him. We just took our nine month old to Europe to meet family. We don’t co-sleep at home, but the rules were completely different in that strange place. And during the transition back home, frankly.

    But, trust me, there will be another battle. My husband’s family (in Europe) could not accept the food rules we have for our baby. And there were lots of other parenting choice issues besides those. The visit was a success only because my husband and I both said “these are our rules and we ask that you respect them” and then refused to discuss it further. Anyone who couldn’t follow the rules couldn’t care for the baby. It only took him taking the baby away from his grandmother once when she tried to give the baby sugar and rice for breakfast for her to start following our rules. And we politely thanked them for the concern, but stuck by our parenting choices when they questioned what we were doing. Through it all, I kept reminding myself it was their love for my daughter that motivated them. They truly wanted what was best for her, and sometimes it was a good advice. But, in the end, her father and I are the ones to decide what is actually best for her.

    You and your husband have to decide what will work for you, of course, but that’s what worked for us. Good luck! It sounds like you’ll need it.

  16. Jessica May 03 at 2:48 pm Reply Reply

    I’m 28 weeks pregnant with my first, so I read your question and Amy’s answer with a lot of interest. While I don’t think (based on past experience) that either my or my husband’s family would pull the kinda crap yours seems to think is okay, I can relate to a desire for their approval, and maybe that’s what’s been keeping you from (rightfully) telling them to SHOVE IT. As a soon-to-be first time parent, I have a really strong need for validation, especially from my own mom. That I’m doing things right, that I’m not going to kill my baby, that we’re prepared and ready and can handle this whole parenthood thing. It isn’t because my mom was perfect, or never made mistakes, but maybe just some kind of biological/reptilian brain stem hardwiring. I need to know that the people who raised me (and to an extent, my partner) have confidence that I can pick up the torch, so to speak. To that end, I think it can be hard to throw down the whole “my baby, my rules” card with a lot of conviction. In the end, you still want that affirmation and support. I totally agree with the advice that you need to start setting some boundaries, but I can sympathize with you–doing that won’t be a cake walk, for sure. In the end, though, it’s best for everyone. And maybe most helpful to look to your BABY for validation: sleeping for a 6 hour stretch? handling the transition to daycare? fed, clothed, warm, happy (most of the time)? YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT.

  17. Grammy May 04 at 4:34 pm Reply Reply

    I’m on the other end of this problem — I’m the grandmother who had never heard that co-sleeping is the great “new” thing for all you young moms. So, when my daughter complained about never getting any sleep because “taking care of the baby” kept her waking up all night I offered advice about how to move him into the crib. Ditto her mother-in-law. She never told anyone that they had the baby in their bed because it was their choice and she was just working through it and seriously NOT asking for advice. So everything the grandmothers said was taken as an affront to her ability to raise her child. When I read about co-sleeping here at alphamom, I said to my husband, “Well, why the hell didn’t they SAY they’re purposely doing things differently than we did?” And I stopped offering those unwelcome tips.

    So, TELL your parents that you are raising your child in ways that might seem strange to them, but you feel confident that it’s what’s best for your family. Then, chances are excellent that they won’t make you feel like they’re trying to run your life. Because they probably aren’t. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of WHY, or literature that backs you up. Just let the grandparents know that you are so happy they care, but people do things differently now.

    And assure your mom that you’re paying close attention to the possibility of PPD and thank her for worrying about your health.

  18. professormama May 04 at 6:20 pm Reply Reply

    the pack-n-play lie is a great idea, especially if the in-laws have already bought one to be helpful- just don’t say anything! But if you WANT to be open about it, what always worked for me was to tell whoever was asking/judging that for most of human history we have co-slept with infants, it’s the only way to feed a new baby on demand when they are growing so fast, and to be sure they stay warm and safe, you know to ensure survival.  Just like diapers, crib sleeping is a relatively new invention and continues to be an option only for people in wealthy nations- most of the world still co-sleeps, and incidentally “toilet” trains by 12 months, without disposable diapers or a washing machine it’s the only way to go!

  19. Irene May 08 at 2:30 pm Reply Reply

    Ok, I got some advice for you too. I totally feel where you are right now. I am sorry that you are going through all that. I went through it too. I cried a LOT more than 6 times, only I’m sure I was not depressed/I didn’t have post-pardum. It was riding the hormone waves and being away from my kid that did it. So, I think this will be a pretty emotional comment for me. Here’s what I got, part C is totally different from what everyone else said so far. A, you are not gonna roll over on your baby, when’s the last time you read on the news that some baby died because the parents were co-sleeping. Most of the world does. B. you should just always focus on trusting your gut. I heard the best of advice to say to pushy people is to say OK or thank you for the advice, or something like that. They can’t argue with that and are less likely to keep going. C… and this may not be a possibility… I went back to work after my baby was just 7 weeks old… and the first 2 weeks of her life were spent in the NICU. So, I had like 5 weeks with her at home, and during that time I was also training the nanny, etc. It totally sucked to go back to work. All I wanted was to be with that baby. I had the same worries you did. Now, my job was UBER flexible, most people would be telling me that I’m out of my mind to complain: go home 2x a day to nurse, and work from home when needed (worked 6 minutes from house on a scooter – I had selected this job for the flexibility). Also had a 2 week new parent time off (I had started a new job/was not returning to my old one). But it had some travel, which I fought to minimize, and yes, I had to pump at the airport  (gross, standing in the toilet the entire time to do it) a few times and deal with the TSA etc. This went on for 1.5 years. And the entire time all I wanted to do is to watch my baby grow. Finally, I quit my job and now my kid’s 2.2 years old and I get to spend every day with her (oh and I’m one of those – she’s still nursing :-) I managed to keep it up high with extra pumpings at night, which oops now I know I didn’t need to do because all the stuff you read is just crap and you don’t have to pump extra if you are always feeding on demand, you’ll last like forever) .Long story short is that my husband always told me that I should quit if I want to, and other people were hot and cold about it (like, won’t you be bored at home with the baby – heck no; or those people who think that you are on “vacation” because you are not working and are home with your kid). But I digress… The point is, that I quit my job, and we gave up/changed up what we had to, to make it work. Yes, you will be able to get used to being away from your kid with time, but perhaps, just perhaps, you can make it work with your family’s finances and just stay home with your child. It’ll be great for them, and you’ll love every second of it. You can’t take that time back. It all goes by oh so quickly. I would have missed EVERYTHING if I didn’t quit when I did, and I wish I had not gone back at all, with everything we dealt with the nannies and other things, that you do when you work. If there is a way to make it work, and you really miss your baby, maybe this is an option that will make you all the happiest. I’d be willing to move to a different city where the cost of living is cheaper, to only buy used clothes, and to never go out for the sake of staying at home with her. Now, I didn’t have to do most of the above, but we did reduce our expenses by cutting out things like cable, not going out, getting rid of some magazine subscriptions, looking at the brands we buy and switching to generics, doing more DUI stuff, and about 100 other things to save money. And it all added up. And we are doing it. And our family loves it. And our baby is thriving. I would have missed it all had I been working, because it turns out that she started having these developmental bursts that made her gain like, 3 months of cognitive stuff overnight, and I’d have missed a lot of it. However, when your kid does something in front of you for the first time, whether it’s their first time or not, it’s always special and you won’t have to be there to witness the very first one every time, after a while :-). Longest comment ever, sorry.

  20. Irene May 08 at 2:37 pm Reply Reply

    This may not be a possibility for you, but – some different advice… I went back to work after my baby was just 7 weeks old… and the first 2 weeks of her life were spent in the NICU. So, I had like 5 weeks with her at home, and during that time I was also training the nanny, etc. It totally sucked to go back to work. All I wanted was to be with that baby. I had the same worries you do. Now, my job was UBER flexible, most people would be telling me that I’m out of my mind to complain: go home 2x a day to nurse, and work from home when needed (worked 6 minutes from house on a scooter – I had selected this job for the flexibility). Also had a 2 week new parent time off (I had started a new job/was not returning to my old one). But it had some travel, which I fought to minimize, and yes, I had to pump at the airport  (gross, standing in the toilet the entire time to do it) a few times and deal with the TSA etc. This went on for 1.5 years. And the entire time all I wanted to do is to watch my baby grow. Finally, I quit my job and now my kid’s 2.2 years old and I get to spend every day with her. Yes, you will be able to get used to being away from your kid with time, but perhaps, just perhaps, you can make it work with your family’s finances and just stay home with your child. It’ll be great for them, and you’ll love every second of it. You can’t take that time back. It all goes by oh so quickly. Also, if you add the stress of managing you child’s care outside the home, especially because then they are always sick and you always have to take time off not just to have fun with them but to nurse them to health, which eats up all of your time off.

  21. Elizabeth May 10 at 9:01 pm Reply Reply

    Love all of the advice so far, but two other points to consider:
    * Depression of any kind can be extremely hard to self-diagnose, and one of the side-effects of depression can be not wanting to bother people to get help. Sometimes another person close to you is really noticing something valuable. Not necessarily crying, but lack of enjoyment, lack of feeling anything, etc. Check out the online form or another questionnaire if needed, and perhaps ask your husband to keep an eye on you and let you know if HE thinks you are having an issue.
    * It sounds like there may have been a little white lie about baby sleeping through the night, and maybe your own assertion you wouldn’t co-sleep? Been there, done that (on different issues). Owning up to changes in my beliefs and yes, changes in my baby was HARD at first, but now I’m in my 40′s with three kids, and I am so much more comfortable with the fact that things CHANGE. I’ll bet you will be, with practice, too.

  22. Rebecca May 13 at 3:36 pm Reply Reply

    Just FYI, the feed link in the sixth comment didn’t work for me – the correct URL is http://alphamom.com/author/amy/feed/
    (“amy” instead of “amalah”).

    I happened to be trying to figure out to add AdvSmack to my Google Reader – with no luck – when I read that comment, and then played around until I figured out how to get it to work.

    ***************

    Isabel: Thanks for that! I fixed the link.

  23. Stacie May 05 at 1:52 pm Reply Reply

    Oh goodness the crying. It didn’t last long but absolute SOBBING is more like it. 
    I would nurse my son and afterward he would be asleep on my chest and I would just cry cry cry.Those who happened to wander in upon this silly scene got to hear “He’s just so sweet..hrrmph…waaaahhh”
    Its so corny but I was literally melting into a big fat puddle of mush because of this baby. 

    Its not quite the same but I can tell you that if I had to go back to work at 10 weeks postpartum I may have been worse. 

    Your mother should give you props for being such a tough momma to go back to work and take care of a newborn at the same time. Don’t forget the many things you’ve accomplished (among them, GROWING AND DELIVERING A BABY) in this past year. 

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