Baby

Crying Over Spilled (Breast)Milk

Hi, Amy,

Looking for a little advice. I’ve been wracking my brain and can’t think of a good analogy, and I just know you’ll have something witty and spot on. Every day we send four bottles to day care with my nearly six month old (just a couple of weeks older than Baby Ike). The fourth is a spare – a “just in case”. It’s the only fully breast milk bottle (two are mixed milk and formula, one is straight formula, b/c I can’t keep up with him pumping).

Anyway, around 8:30 tonight I realized today’s bottle four had never made it back into the fridge. It wasn’t even remotely cool anymore. It was yesterday’s milk, and after being cooled for 24+ hours, then sitting out for 3+, I figured it had to be dumped. Tears welled up into my eyes as I poured out a half day’s worth of pumping. My husband did not get it at all. He doesn’t see the big deal. Any suggestions on how to open his eyes to what it means to pour that much effort down the drain?

Thanks,
Crying Over Spilled Milk

Hey everybody, let’s eeeease our way back into things after the long holiday weekend with a little brainteasing writing exercise: What’s a good metaphor for wasted breastmilk? I came up with two.

First, in the immortal words of Ellen Feiss:

For me, pumping has irritatingly been more about boosting/maintaining supply rather than the actual liquid output, which is historically paltry — but there was a glorious period after Ezra’s birth where my boobs inexplicably responded to the pump as well as the baby and I was able to actually keep significant amounts of pumped milk on hand. Bags of it! It was glorious.

And then our power went out while we were out of town and everything in the freezer went bad, including my precious breastmilk. I couldn’t tell for sure when it defrosted, but judging from the rank meat, melted ice and warm temperature in the freezer it was mostly no longer okay to use. My reaction was not nearly as chill as Ellen’s “bummer” up there, it was more of a rage-y adult temper tantrum. All that work! Literally going down the drain because of a technology failure.

So: Wasting pumped breastmilk is like working really, really hard on a paper or proposal or *something* on your computer, only to get the Blue Screen of Death during your final sentence, then discovering that the auto-save feature didn’t work and you have to start ALL OVER AGAIN.

Second:

Despite my less-than-stellar production via pump with Noah, I damn well tried to send breastmilk in with him to daycare whenever possible, even if it was just a small two-ounce bottle they could give him before the Main Event of Formula. (Our daycare wouldn’t let you mix the two, because they insisted on heating formula and breastmilk in separate Crock Pots lest OMG BOOB COOTIES, or something.) Anyway, one week I stockpiled a couple days’ worth of pumped milk and managed to fill a bag with almost six full ounces! Six! That was huuuuuge for me and my crap supply, so I was quite pleased. I even carried the bag out to the living room to show my husband (who was like, “That’s cool.”). I then went back in the kitchen to prepare the daycare bag. I opened the storage bag and set it down on the counter by the sink while I turned to get a bottle and…

I knocked it over with my elbow. All six ounces, gone in a flash while I stood there slackjawed.

So: Spilling breastmilk is like putting something important in your back pocket — cash, your phone, your keys, sold-out concert tickets — and reminding yourself that your back pocket it probably not the best place for it but you know, it’s just for a few minutes while you find your purse or whatever. And then you forget about it and lo and behold, by the time you remember it your back pocket is horribly, depressingly empty and the contents likely lost forever.

Too dramatic? Not dramatic enough? Hit me, intrepid commenters! And even if you don’t have a metaphor to contribute but want to talk about The Time You Spilled Your Breastmilk that’s fine too. I will hold your hair while you cry about it.

Photo credit: Thinkstock

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Isabel Kallman

12 years ago

This is one of those things that happens to so many moms that it is seems to truly only be understood by moms (and sympathetic family). And when you tell someone it has happened to you the look on the other mom’s face is an equal mixture of horror and empathy. I remember post the massive NYC summer blackout of 2003 so many moms in my baby group were verklempt by the loss of their frozen breastmilk. I lost a freezer worth of breastmilk during that blackout. It was heartbreaking.

liz

Add in the guilt about the pumping, that not every drop of precious milk is going straight from the source into your child. That pumping means that there are feeding times away from your child, or that bf’ing didn’t work out, or whatever.

So it’s lost effort, and lost opportunity, and guilt, and sorrow.

Plus being tired and hormonal and whatnot.

Elizabeth

My husband came to my work one time when my son was little and took the pump home with him, in the car, so I wouldn’t have to carry it home on the bus. How nice, and thoughtful and helpful of him!
And then he left it in the car overnight.

So I got up the next morning to do the standard “pack the pump” routine and had a panic attack. He knew instantly how bad this was and apologized for hours, but yeah. That blows, all that time and effort and unpleasantness literally down the drain!

DMD

When my son was born via emergency c-section after 27 hours of laboring drug-free, I was sobbing. My dad was in the room and said, “What’s the big deal? You still get a healthy baby; who cares how he’s delivered?” I feel it’s this way with the OP’s husband – you still get a healthy baby, just more formula-fed. Well. I told my dad that it was like a quarterback who spends all season preparing, training, practicing, gearing up for the bowl game – only to win on a technicality. Yeah, you still get the win, but “a win isn’t… Read more »

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Olivia

Oh, that sucks so HARD. I’m another working mother who had trouble pumping enough for my baby everyday so we supplemented with a bottle of formula each day. I remember one Sunday afternoon when I realized I had forgotten to refridgerate the pumped milk Friday after work. OMG, did I cry and rage! And my husband did not get it. He just shrugged and said, “Oh well, so she has formula only on Monday.” “NO!” I yelled. That was not the point. The point is that I sit in a dingy locker room three times everyday, listening to that maddening… Read more »

Karen

A friend of mine is pumping at the moment, preserving every drop, and her husband keeps leaving the fridge door cracked – he’s just not paying attention and it’s not fully closing. She was wondering what she could do to explain how the pumped milk going bad is not like losing some nice cheddar. So analogies aside, I suggested that she hook him up to her breast pump every 3-4 hours on a Saturday (on low, no torture necessary) and make him “clean” the pump afterward. I don’t think she went that route, but I really think men/dads often need… Read more »

Stephanie

When my daughter was 9 weeks old, we went on our first trip. We went to Chicago so I could go to a conference for work and then go to my in-laws after the conference ended. I lovingly packed all my pumped breastmilk so my husband and in-laws would have it handy while I was downstairs attending the conference. We asked for a refrigerator in the hotel room, plugged it in, and put all the chilled breastmilk I had brought, only to discover, hours later, that the plug where it was plugged into didn’t work. Oh, I was mad, and… Read more »

Jenn

Oh, yes. I know. The worst was when I knocked over a full pumping sessions worth of milk – 6 oz – with my elbow at work and it spilled all over me, the floor and my desk. Not only had I lost all my awesome milk, but I stank of spoiled milk all day. I called my mother sobbing because I knew my husband wouldn’t understand. He would be sweet, but wouldn’t understand.

Myriam

I was lucky enough not needing to pump too much (yeah Canada and our 50 weeks paid maternity leave!!!). I still breastfeed my almost 1 year-old and pump once at night and mix the breastmilk with the formula, mostly for the taste. I like Olivia’s analogy with the race… it’s not just about the milk, it’s about having to start over, with all the effort involved. On top of that, it’s not like there is an unlimited supply of the stuff!!! I don’t think you should try to explain the importance of breastmilk over formula to your husband, but maybe… Read more »

Wendy

Trying to save a freezer full of breastmilk turned me into a petty criminal once. Our power went out (in Arizona! In August! So it was like 110 degrees outside) and I panicked at the thought of losing my milk stash so I hopped into the car and drove to the nearest gas station to buy bags of ice. Got there, grabbed the ice (it was in a cooler outside the store) and then discovered the store was closed because they didn’t have power either. I stood there for a second, looked at my sleeping kid in the car seat… Read more »

JenVegas

You knooooooooow sometimes there are somethings a husband just isn’t going to understand unless you totally freak the F out on them.
Not, you know, a giant long raging freak out. Just a short burst freak out. The kind that lets him know that you are serious and upset to the point that you can no longer contain it inside your brain.
I’ve tried all sorts of things with my husband but really only the short winded, precise freak outs have actually gotten into his brain past the sports trivia and stuck.

Brooke

My partner made up all four bottles for daycare the night before so I could just get to bed. And then left them on the counter overnight. I used them anyway though.
Also, I left Fridays pumped milk in the pump bag until Saturday morning. I cried. A lot.

Megan

I used to feel like that, but for me – it’s kind of the cost of doing business. It happens occasionally, and my husband does understand how much it sucks. But my daycare tosses anything the baby doesn’t eat, so I had to get used to wasting milk early on. I don’t have a ton in the freezer, but I have enough that if I skip a pump session or didn’t get enough in one day, I can still send milk to daycare. So I just don’t get that worked up about it the occasional spill or spoilt bottle. It’s… Read more »

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LBH

Wired Magazine had an article earlier this year about the market for breastmilk… selling anywhere from $2 to $5 an OUNCE (I think Milkbanks normally sell pasteurized for around $3?) This one person they interviewed made about $1200/month selling hers.Not be unsentimental, But I printed out the article and handed it to spouse and said, “THIS. READ IT.” and that, he understood more than anything else (the 2am wake-ups, the hours upon hours spent pumping, the soreness, etc, etc) why I was upset when I had to dump the liquid gold..

Here is the article should you need it (heh)..

http://www.wired.com/magazine/2011/05/ff_milk/all/1

Sam

I have almost 100 ozs in the freezer and still feel a sharp stab in the gut whenever a bottle is wasted or OMG how many times have I forgot to put away the milk I pumped the day before at work.

kari Weber

My story is with my first son. I exclusively breastfed and pumped for his first 7 months. A pretty monumental achievement considering that I am a teacher, and had to go back to work when he was 8 weeks old. After spending every lunch hiding UNDER my desk in my classroom pumping (in case a janitor forgot and accidentally let a child in for something… which HAPPENED! SEVERAL TIMES!!!) I was done. But near the end, when it was getting hard to keep up with my son’s demand for at the babysitter… I was awake early one morning… groggy due… Read more »

Jen W.

I don’t have a witty analogy, but I can totally relate. The lactation consultant we saw once told me “people who don’t cry over spilled milk never spent an hour pumping it.” and I can say that is the honest truth. I spilled 4 oz. when my boys were just a few weeks old and it was the MOST I had ever pumped and I was already a sleep-deprived, hormonal mess and I JUST LOST IT.

I don’t think your husband will ever really get it, but just so you know the rest of us moms do.

Suzanne

@Wendy Copley: So, morally, I see absolutely nothing wrong with steeling ice from a gas station during a power outage. It would have melted anyway, and since they can’t sell half melted ice, they would have thrown it out and lost that money. Since you paid them back later, they technically MADE money. 😉 Even if you hadn’t paid them back, they lost no money in you taking that ice.. so.. *shrug* I remember when I was a kid there was a big power outage in my town (Pretty common in rural areas during summer lightning storms) and the corner store was… Read more »

Bethany

After 2 weeks of absolutely miserable breastfeeding and lack of support, I decided to pump exclusively. My son had some formula in the first few weeks, but then refused to drink it. So my breastmilk sob story is that I had a whole bunch stored in the freezer when we realized my son couldn’t have dairy. I had to pitch the whole stash since I had been having a lot of dairy. So I started working on the stash again. I pumped and pumped and pumped some more. I ended up with another nice collection in the freezer. Then we… Read more »

Melissa @ HerGreenLife

My 4 1/2 month old is teething, and basically didn’t touch the 12 oz. that I carefully thawed and left with Grandma for him yesterday. I know I need to throw it out, and I’m going to, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it last night, so it’s still sitting in the fridge.

Fortunately, I haven’t had any major “everything in the freezer” type losses yet (knock on wood), and my husband actually gets (as much as someone who’s never pumped can) why I’m upset when I lose any of the liquid gold :-/

Oh man. It’s all the prep. I’m not a planner and neither is my hubs, but when our little guy came, all of a sudden I have been forced into being THE planner of the house. Sunday nights kick my butt. You have to pack his daycare bag, prepare his bottles, pack the pump, make sure every little plastic piece of the pump is washed and accounted for. Then Monday morning comes – pack the perishables: baby’s lunch, my lunch, hubs’s lunch, all on top of making sure everyone is fed a healthy breakfast. To have some cog disrupted in… Read more »

Susan

I have been traveling – many times – and continued to pump (to keep the flow going) but with no good refridgerated way to transport the milk back home… had to pour it all down the drain. Heart breaking!

Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey

I had stocked up quite a bit – I mean A LOT while Declan was in the NICU – and we had it stored in the garage refrigerator. Imagine my tears and anguish when there were electrical problems out there. I still mourn that loss. It was at least 2 months worth.

karen

For Melissa and anyone else who might come across the unused milk situation, LLL’s book, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, has a new edition out. In the section on freezing milk (p. 309) they have new content that reflects what my workplace LC has said, “Previously frozen milk that has been thawed can be kept in the refrigerator for up to twenty-four hours. If it hasn’t been used by that time, it should be discarded OR REFROZEN.”!!!! It can be saved! I did this with my pumped milk for my daughter since figured the worst thing that would happen is… Read more »

Butterfly

Ohh, it’s so hard to explain the pain of lost breastmilk. It’s such a loaded topic, at every stage – because if you are pumping, you clearly are willing to go through massive inconveniences and often pain and major life disruption just to give your baby something you consider to be the very best, and be the very best mother you can be. That pumped milk is a symbol of all your most passionate and best intentions of motherhood. To have it lost or destroyed is like having your actual skills as a mother called into question, all your choices… Read more »

Tracy

Tell him it’s like taking your last Viagra only to have your wife announce she has a headache. 😉

I once spilled 18 ounces. 18. I know too well the OP’s pain. My husband told me I was crazy for freaking out like I did. And, boy did I ever freak out. Tears like someone had DIED. For me, pumping felt like the one thing I could do for my infant while I was at work that kept our connection strong. It meant, like someone else said, that I was doing my very best for him. And, my husband totally didn’t get it. Luckily, my body did. I woke up and pumped in the middle of the night and… Read more »

ksmaybe

I was lucky/unlucky enough to have oversupply with my second. I had gobs and gobs of milk in the freezer….and she refused to take a bottle 99% of the time. She’d rather be hungry for 5 hours waiting on me to come home that drink a bottle. I dumped it in two batches, long after it’s 6 month date had come and gone. It was soooo painful! After pumping for my first until a year (I worked), pouring any milk out just plain hurts.

Sarah

Blood, sweat and tears goes into the liquid gold. I have two years of pumping under my belt. The first year of pumping, I didn’t know any better and my job didn’t either and had me sitting in a toilet stall to pump. Seriously. I had a manual pump with. My first and it would loose suction and I would have to take it apart and adjust the valve to make it work again. Imagine my dispair when it was balancing on the toilet (without a lid, only the seat), trying to not drip milk all over my lap from… Read more »

Pamela

Butterfly said this:

That pumped milk is a symbol of all your most passionate and best intentions of motherhood. To have it lost or destroyed is like having your actual skills as a mother called into question, all your choices to go back to work, or anything. As in, ‘no matter how hard you work, you’ll never be good enough, and you will let down your child. All your sacrifices, and your choices – it’s for naught. You’re still a failure as a mother.”

EXACTLY.

Andee

I also absolutley agree with Butterfly’s comment!

When my boy was 5 months, I had some minor dental work done. I asked before hand about breastfeeding after novocaine, and the dentist said “oh sure, you’ll be fine.” Then, as I was leaving the office, he said “well, we used a little more than I thought I would, so you should just discard the milk you make until you’re not numb anymore.” I was livid. Not only did I have to go pump and dump, but I had to put off picking up my baby from daycare early that day because he immediately wants to nurse (which is… Read more »

Corinne

I had two milk losses in the past week. Last week I took two bottles out of the freezer for my husband to feed our son while I was at school. He only fed him one bottle, the other one sat in the fridge until Wednesday when it would have been used, and it was not good anymore (clearly by the smell). 5oz down the drain. I forgot a bottle of pumped milk in my fridge at school on Friday, NBD, I’ll get it monday, right? The power went out in the building over the weekend. 4 oz down the… Read more »

Liane

@Bethany, I have almost the same story about my first son and his food allergies. I probably had 100 ounces saved up when we discovered he couldn’t have one drop of it due to food allergies that had been causing all kinds of problems. All those hours of pumping down the drain!! I made my husband get rid of it all one afternoon while I was out of the house, I couldn’t do it!

Crying Over Spilled (Breast)Milk

Amy Corbett Storch

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