Move Over, Tom Brokaw, It’s Time For A Presidential Playdate

Filling in for Alice Bradley: Jenn Mattern of breedemandweep.com
This week, Jenn Mattern of Breed ’Em and Weep hosts a playdate for Johnny and Barack. Because she’s sick of wimpy moderators and anemic, passive-aggressive debates. Because she’s worried about making it through the winter. Because she’s had more respectful debates with her daughters in the upstairs hallway, over the back of a sleeping, farting dog.
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McCain: My friends…
Me: John, stop looking at the dogs like that. You’re scaring them. Do you believe in universal health care or not?
McCain: My friend—
Me: I am not your friend. I am a mother. Answer the question.
McCain: I’m a MAVERICK! I’m not very popular in Washington! How cool is THAT? [pokes Obama]
Obama: OW! Stop poking me! John poked me! [pokes back]
Me: Use your words! John, sit at the table. Stop circling Barack like a shark. You know he can’t think when you do that.
McCain: YOU obviously don’t know the difference between a TACTIC and a STRATEGY, like THAT ONE over there—
Me: Do you talk like that to your own mother?
McCain: No. She says I’m a MAVERICK and I can do whatever I want.
Me: “THAT ONE” is unacceptable. You apologize right now or this playdate is over, so help me. I will drive you straight back home and you and Barack will not get cookies.
Obama: But you promised! [to McCain] See what you did!
McCain: THAT ONE! THAT ONE! THAT ONE!
Me: I don’t care who did what. I’m not going to elect anyone President of the United States if he can’t show basic RESPECT. Turn and face Barack.
McCain: I don’t want to!
Me: Do you want to go home?
McCain: Noooo…
Me: BARACK IS NOT A “THAT ONE.” Apologize immediately.
McCain: [clenched teeth] I’m sorry. But figuring out where he stands on policies is like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall—
Me: No buts, no cookies, no Jell-O. You lost your turn. Drink your milk.
Obama: Ha ha!
Me: ENOUGH WITH THE SMIRKING AND GLOATING. Barack, what would you do to help struggling families? To convince us that the American dream still exists?
Obama: First, I’d like to thank you for having me over for this playdate.
Me: Barack, sit up straight. Focus. I have no health care. If I got hit by a car, I’d be screwed. My kids would be screwed. Talk to me about that. Tell me about paid maternity leave. About paid family leave.
Obama: I’m glad you asked that question, Jenn.
Me: I asked a number of questions. And don’t call me by my first name. I’m Ms. Mattern. Both of you had better learn some manners, if you want people to take you seriously.
Obama: Ms. Mattern, I understand your frustration and cynicism. I think everybody knows now, this is the worst financial crisis we’ve seen since the Great Depression. I believe this is a final verdict—the free market is not working.
Me: John, stop making smarmy monkey faces at Barack.
McCain: I was not!
Obama: He was too!
Me: Barack, you haven’t answered my question. Who’s going to bail me out if a tree falls on my head?
Obama: First, we need to make sure this rescue package works properly. We need to crack down on CEOs and make sure they are not getting golden parachutes.
McCain: MY FRIEND, THAT ONE THERE HAS NEVER TOUCHED A PARACHUTE. I CRASHED NUMEROUS PLANES. I KNOW REAL PARACHUTES. AND I KNOW HOW TO GET THIS COUNTRY WORKING AGAIN. BECAUSE I AM A MAVERICK.
Obama: You voted 45 times against the super green plan! And the purple zippy pow plan!
McCain: Well, YOU voted 28 times against the sparkleberry zap plan! And you voted 96 times for AN OVERHEAD PROJECTOR! I’m not afraid to take on my party.
Obama: [smiles] I had a birthday party. I had cupcakes. And you didn’t. Ha ha. And it was NOT an overhead projector. That’s, like, totally from the Dark Ages.
Me: Obama, don’t you DARE stick your tongue out like that. If you have something to say, say it without the faces.
Obama: Ma’am, Senator McCain is a poopyhead.
McCain: You’re a poopyhead WHO NAILS JELL-O TO WALLS. And PUNCHES TELEGRAPHS.
Me: John, that doesn’t even make sense. Both of you boys, this is appalling behavior. I expect better from you—
McCain: I know what eBay is! I bought an Obama mask from DemsSuck08!
Obama: Everybody knows what eBay is! And I don’t care about some dumb old mask! I want to talk policy! CHANGE!
McCain: Change THIS! [moons Obama]
Obama: FANNY!
McCain: FREDDY!
Obama: FANNY!
McCain: FREDDY!
Me: That’s it, I’m phoning your wives.
Obama and McCain: NO!!!! [settle down immediately]
Me: Then sit up and answer me. John, what would you do about this economic travesty? Specifics. And you are not allowed to say ‘maverick’ or ‘veteran.’ Go.
McCain: I would buy up bad loans and stabilize home values. THAT will help everyone realize the American dream. By the way, THAT ONE? A Muslim. Not that it matters. Some of my best friends are Muslims.
Obama: I am not a Muslim. Not that it matters. Some of my best friends may or may not be Muslims.
Me: SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR MILK, SO HELP ME GOD. What about parents who can’t afford to pay off their own student loans, let alone pay for a college education for their own kids? What about the overeducated, out of work, and out of money? Explain this to us: the government is perfectly happy to bail out AIG and other Big Banks Gone Bad—
McCain: Can I have chocolate syrup in my milk?
Obama: No. We need to sacrifice.
McCain: I used ‘sacrifice’ first! You stole that! THAT ONE stole my word!
Obama: I did not.
Me: Pay attention! John and Barack, families are supposed to do our part by agreeing to something we have no say in, because it’s supposedly going to help the country. Right? But neither of you are telling me how I am going to get through the winter. Address that, if you would.
Obama: He made a mess on your table. I would never make a mess on your table.
McCain: SPENDING FREEZE! AWESOME, DUDE!
Me: What?
McCain: I put ice in my chocolate milk and shook it up real hard and put it in the freezer when you weren’t looking! IT’S A CHOCOLATE SPENDING FREEZE!
Me: Who said you could go in my freezer without asking? Who said you could take any of my tax money and give it to Wall Street, for that matter?
Obama: I didn’t.
McCain: YES YOU DID.
Me: Barack. Tell the truth.
Obama: Okay. I did. But if you don’t like it, I don’t like it.
McCain: STUPID TELEGRAPH PUNCHER JELL-O DUMBHEAD!
Obama: STOP CIRCLING ME! MS. MATTERN, HE KEEPS WALKING AROUND ME AND GETTING IN MY SIGHTLINES! SECTIONS A AND C CAN’T SEE ME.
Me: Johnny, knock it off. Barack, there are no sightlines. It’s just me. Talk to ME. Tell me how any of this is ever going to get better for those of us who are just trying to raise our kids and raise them well in this country. We’re in hell, do you get that? We’re wondering if it was a stupid move to bring children into this world, and that doesn’t exactly scream ‘AMERICAN DREAM’ to me, boys.
McCain: [kicking Obama’s chair] You’re a Fanny Mae.
Obama: [kicking back] You shut up or I’ll kick you in the Fanny Mae.
Me: Done. Finished. You’re both out of here. You had your chance.
McCain: [brightens] Can Sarah come over and play? She’s pretty and she shoots wolves. We like to play Drill.
Obama: It’s Drill, Baby, Drill. That’s the name of the game, Poopyhead. Even I know that.
Me: [on phone] Michelle? Cindy’s there too? I’m afraid you need to come and pick them up now. Yeah. They’re a mess. I think they could both use a nap.
McCain: Poopyhead.
Obama: Poopyhead times 5.
McCain: Poopyhead times 15.