Want to see Alice’s weekly to-do list? Yes, you do.

Take up whittling.
Now that millions and millions more toys have been recalled, I think it’s safe to say that all of our toys are made of poison. The only thing left to do is chop the maple out back and get to whittlin’. Henry sure is going to love his new solid-wood Darth Vader!
Consider calming down over lead panic.
In Canada, they don’t want people to panic over the toy recall. An expert in this article states thus:”As far as these toys are concerned, unless a child is holding it in their mouth all the time and sucking on it all the time and some of the lead can leach out or if it’s old flaky paint, it shouldn’t be a problem.” Wait, so why are we panicking?
Wait, now I remember—we southerners LIVE on panic. You can stay calm for all of us, Canada. You just keep smiling and enjoying your poutine–we love you.
Return to panicking.
Okay, how did lead get into baby bibs? Apparently some vinyl baby bibs made in China were found to have lead levels up to three times the amount allowed in paint. Yet the Consumer Product Safety Commission isn’t pushing for a recall. What, are there too many recalls these days? All those recalls getting boring?
Consider living in the forest.
It seems the chemicals that make clothing, upholstery, and rugs flame-retardant can get into the air and get our kitty cats sick. Huh. Well, right now I’m too busy trying to keep my child safe to give a crap about Senor Poopsalot down in the basement. Except, lookie there, it seems that what might kill my cat isn’t good for humans, either. Especially the smallish humans, whose every clothing bit is coated in these chemicals. Favorite quote from article: “You get exposed while you’re in your home…. It’s in the carpet. It’s in the monitor. It’s in your chair.” It’s all around us! Run!
Let child cough. And cough, and cough.
According to recent news, the cold/cough remedies specifically meant for toddlers SHOULD NOT BE USED ON TODDLERS. What were you thinking, giving that to your toddler? There’s a danger of overdose, according to experts, and anyway those remedies have never been shown to actually work.
Do not let child take meth.
While we all know that methamphetamines are exceedingly dangerous, it turns out that even if you recover from your addiction, you might suffer the consequences of meth use well into your old age. A recent study showed that young users of meth face the increased possibility of suffering from Parkinson’s-like symptoms late in life. So if you needed more reasons to keep your kids away from drugs, there you go.
Do not let self take meth, either.
“Because she didn’t sleep much, she had time to bake, cook and decorate her home.”
The energy and weight loss that methamphetamines provide make them an alluring drug choice for a surprising demographic: moms. In Idaho, mothers who’ve become addicted to meth are pouring into the prison population, while their children are overloading the foster care system. This is heartbreaking. Read this article. And don’t take meth, please.
Be glad that I don’t live in Chicago.
Maybe we have furniture that’s trying to kill us with its off-gassing and deadly toys and medicines designed to poison our children, but hey, at least we don’t have mites! Itchy Chicagoans are heading to emergency rooms with quarter-sized welts all over them. Because of mites. Chicago-style mites! Which are not here, at least. I’m sorry, Chicago, but I have to be glad about something this week.