Ah, the French.
If you have a constant need, as most do, for easy excuses that will get you out of the house and into the arms of your current lover, the French have just the service you require! A new company called Alibila will provide alibis for everything from an afternoon tryst to a weekend lover’s jaunt. Their website features pictures of attractive men and women leaping about—because when you’ve been given the fake documentation you need to cheat on your ball and chain, you feel light as a feather! Wheee! Lying is like being on a trampoline!
Alibila will provide everything from an “emergency” “phone call” (wink wink) to get you out of the house for a few hot and sweaty minutes to whatever involved excuses you need to flee for days or weeks. “We will put all works about it to return your believable alibi and with thus avoid any soupcon at the people at who you must provide it,” says Alibila. (Translation courtesy of my high school French. Thanks. Mme. Goldenberg!)
Just an aside: aren’t the French okay with adultery? Why do they need alibis there at all? When a man leaves to see his mistress, he simply calls his wife’s lover Jean-Michel and asks him to check in on her while he’s frolicking nude sur his private plage with Matilde. He returns with a giant wheel of Camembert, and they all, you know, eat it, while talking in French. I’m really sure that I’m right about this.
Moving on, reluctantly…
Since I’m not French, I care about the future of American marriages, and I’m sad to say that it’s not looking good for us. AT ALL. I think Alibila should get to work over here and help us lie to each other, if our marriages are to remain intact.
I’m not pointing fingers at your marriage specifically, you understand (although I’m sort of gesturing with my elbow at a few of you out there), but statistically speaking, the odds are against the survival of your blessed union. According to the New York Times, the chance of a marriage reaching the silver anniversary (that’s 25 years) is now less than fifty percent. That’s down from seventy percent in the fifties.
The fifties, by the way, were when people knew how to repress their seething hatred of their partner by tamping it way, way down until it formed cancerous nodules. Anything for those gifts of silver! It was a simpler time.
It’s interesting, isn’t it, how the institution of marriage seems to be in shambles, even before the gays got their gay mitts on it? I don’t get how certain people insist that marriage needs defending when we’re messing it up plenty without the help of subversive elements. I think the conservatives are thinking of this the wrong way. Now that we’re in a downward spiral towards marital ruination, it’s time to bring in the gay marriages. If the statistics keep getting uglier, guess who you can blame! And if the statistics improve, that’s because the heterosexuals are heroically keeping their marriages together in order to band against the encroaching tide of unnatural unions among same-sex couples. See? Either way, everyone wins.
