Single Mom: Anything is Possible
When my therapist asked me what was scariest about getting divorced, the fear of being alone never really crossed my mind. Apparently this makes me more of a weirdo than I already am because that’s usually what keeps people in bad marriages.
Well that and money. And of course, the children.
For me, it was that I didn’t want my kids to be around another woman, the idea of me being replaced as their mother was too overwhelming for me to bear. But then when another woman came into the picture rather quickly and suddenly (in my opinion, at least), I realized my fear was delusional at best because they’re with me 90% of the time but mostly because I’m their mother and I’m a good mother to them.
As it turns out, that worry was actually covering up the fact that I am pretty fearful of being alone after all.
I try to tell myself I’m young and attractive and “I’m a catch” which is all very true.
Did I mention I’m tall? And limber?
But with four children who are still fairly young, well, let’s just say there might be no amount of intellectual stimulation and bedroom prowess that could sway someone to jump into the fray and embrace the chaos that is my existence. As much as I support and care for my children alone right now, and do so quite happily, I can’t expect that I will be able to find someone who wants to join me.
That’s a whole lot of kids. And a lot for another person to take on.
The irony in all this is that I’m probably the best, most complete person I’ve ever been in my life, with a knowledge of who I am and what I want in another person. I understand what I’m willing to accept and what is a definite deal breaker.
Maybe it’s parenting or a series of failed relationships and the subsequent therapy or that I’m just getting old, but I don’t have the time or the energy for games. For the effort it takes to force something to work that really shouldn’t, and the wisdom to know that’s okay.
I have high hopes though, thanks to a couple of post-divorce relationships under my belt. Sure, they didn’t last very long and didn’t involve my children, but they were started with full disclosure and a complete understanding of who would be along for our ride.
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. If a part of me wasn’t thinking that I will always be alone. I will probably need to accept that as a strong possibility at some point in my life.
For now, I want to find someone, or maybe even someones, as life ebbs and flows and relationships begin and end, who will be my partner and love me and all my children.
If there’s anything that this divorce has taught me it’s that anything is possible. Hopefully, it’s love.