Because Your Friends Don’t Want to Talk About Bikini Waxes
Some time this year I bought Vicky’s IPEX bra, which was probably overpriced but still, really nice. I liked it a lot. Then, when the IPEX demi came out I was totally stoked and I bought two more. I now have 150 bucks invested in bras WHOSE STRAPS WON’T STAY UP ON MY SHOULDERS.
Now, I’ll admit, I don’t have the most prestigious posture in the world. And then I’ll quickly add that I have scoliosis and one shoulder is lower than the other and the whole rounded shoulder thing is REALLY NOT MY FAULT.
Perhaps I should also mention that my size is 34D. I don’t know it that’s pertinent, but I’m throwing it out there just in case.
Lately I’ve been embarrassed to notice that I spend an inordinate amount of my day at the office pushing my bra straps back up onto my shoulders which is TOTALLY NOT COOL. So my question is, is there a classic, smooth bra (like the IPEX) that will stay up on my shoulders? Am I destined to wearing tank-back sports bras???? (Please say no.) Are there secrets and hints that I’m missing? And why can’t ALL tops have those fabulous little string-and-snap bra straps? God, I’m so glad you’re here.
Okay, first? Let us discuss Why Bra Straps Do That.
1) Wrong cup size. If the cup is too small, the straps will wear out quickly and start slipping. So if you notice that you’re constantly yanking up straps on bras after just a couple months of wear, try going up a cup. However, if the straps are sliding from the start, the cup might be too big since the straps are going to gap a little in front and never get the proper, um, traction, I guess is the word I want.
2) Cheap-ass bras. Yep. Too much polyester and not enough elastic. Moving on.
3) Old n’ busted bras. The straps will stretch out long before there’s visible wear and tear on the rest of the bra. So once the straps start sliding, just toss it, as no amount of tightening will fix it.
4) Itty bitty teeny weeny skinny mini little wittle straps. Yes, they are cute. No, they will not stay up as well as wider straps.
5) It’s not you, it’s me. Sometimes? Certain bras just don’t fit you. You can have the right size and pay a damn fortune for them, but they will never be right for your body shape.
The straps on demi bras, for example, tend to be father apart than regular bras. Add in your sloping shoulders and ding ding ding! I think we have your problem.
Stay away from demis (I can’t wear them either) and look for bras with straps that sort of angle towards your neck, if you can dig what I am laying down here. Don’t buy bras with the super-skinny straps, and of course, it never hurts to get re-measured. (Just don’t get it done at Vicky’s, because I am SORRY, MISS D-CUP TEENAGE SALESGIRL THANG, YOU ARE NOT COMING WITHIN 10 FEET OF MY POST-BREASTFEEDING BOOBS WITH THAT MEASURING TAPE, NO WAY NO HOW.)
Oh wise Amalah,
I went out and bought the famous foundation brush. And foundation even, which I have never before worn.
I don’t wear make-up much. Pre-foundation purchasing, I would pat on face lotion, brush on some powder, add rouge, smear on some eye gunk, add mascara, and call it good.
Now I don’t know what to do. I am pretty sure the foundation goes on *after* the lotion, but then I get lost. Do I still need powder? If I leave it off, I look a little . . . shiny. But, if I put it on, it looks really. . .thick. Caked on, even. And this is with the sheerest foundation I could find.
(The Semi-Famous Among Certain Crowds Foundation Brush Entry.)
As tediously demonstrated in that entry, foundation does indeed go on AFTER your lotion.
The shine could be the result of a couple things. It could be your foundation, because “sheer” does not always equal “matte.” It could be your skin type. Or a greasy lotion. Or you could be applying too much foundation and your skin is weeping excess oil because it can’t breathe.
And so, for all of the foundationally challenged, I present the Five Commandments of Foundation:
I. Thou Shalt Moisturize. Look for an oil-free or “matifying” lotion. (I know! The cosmetic companies are just plain making words up now.) Something with SPF 15 is good too.
II. Thou Shalt Not Roll Your Eyes at the Idea of Primer. (Groan.) Yes, I have been suckered in by the Smashbox Photo Finish primer. But it works. Especially if you have an uneven skin tone or fine lines. Or if you are just kind of challenged when it comes to applying foundation evenly. My sallow eye-bags and I are particularly fond of the color-correcting primers.
III. Thou Shalt Use a Foundation Brush and a Most Excellent Foundation, and Lo, Thou Shalt Use a Small Amount of the Most Excellent Foundation and the Most Excellent Foundation Shall Be of the Oil-Free Variety. And holy HELL, make sure it matches your skin tone. Foundation does NOT exist to make you look tanner. Or paler. I remain a fan of Sue Devitt’s 70% water triple seaweed gel foundation.
IV. Thou Shalt Cast the Excess Shine Out of Your House with an Oil-Absorbing Sheet. And if that’s not enough, brush on a small amount of translucent powder. TRANS. LU. CENT. You don’t want to double-up on color. That equals cake face.
V. Thou Shalt Wash Your Foundation Brush Well, For it is Pleasing to the Pores.
So I would like to say I have this highly important and oh so relevant question regarding make up or how to make my hair stay straight but I don’t. Mine is a little more personal but hey, we’ve listened to you talk extensively about your nipples so I figure the ice is long since broken.
I moved to Florida a few months ago from New England and gained the ability to be at the beach year around for the most part. My problem (yes, I know, how could this be a problem) is that I’m use to only having to be swimsuit ready for a few months at a time and after several months of, dare I say, self-grooming, I have exhausted all the drug stores home wax and hair removal kits. I think I would like to go to someone more professional in hopes that it would cut down on the frequency and perhaps the amount of time spent in my bathroom.
However, I am extremely shy and am somewhat horrified by the thought of someone else waxing me. I can’t bear to google “bikini wax etiquette” so please help! What should I expect and I will I ever want to go back.
Thank you, Oh Wise Amalah, for any help you can give me,
The very first bikini wax I ever got was a Brazilian. So “there.” Consider the ice shattered now.
Some places, for a regular bikini wax, will let you keep your underwear on. Some places won’t. Some waxers will drape a towel over your stomach to offer some misplaced modesty, and some waxers will tell you their entire life story while you grit your teeth and tensely stare at the ceiling and say things like, “Oh really? The whole cow? Isn’t that something!”
It’ll hurt worse the first time. Your skin might get red and bumpy. Use a diaper rash cream or Monistat’s Itch Relief Care afterwards. But yes, over time, maintenance will be easier and your hair will grow back slower.
Oh, and you tip 20%, preferably in cash.
Do you have any idea why every woman wants to “eat [my] baby”? When did this all start, what does it all mean, and why is it just women who have a fascination with eating children?
Um, have you TASTED a baby lately? Women want to eat babies because babies are DELICIOUS. Those meaty little fat rolls on the thighs? The chubby cheeks? And the toes! MY GOD, the toes!
I’m sure someone out there has published a Highly Important Study about our primordial urge to re-wombify our children as a protective measure, or about some species of primate who sometimes gets carried away while cleaning its mashed-banana-covered young and accidentally swallows them whole, but I am blaming it on the simple fact that my baby tastes like butter deep-fried in chocolate sugar.
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