An assortment of news items, semi-coherently presented.

Hello, and welcome to Alice’s Medikal Korner. Where words are misspelled for no reason whatsoever—all in the name of science. Here’s some green tea for you. I don’t care if you don’t like it. It’s good for you. Choke it down. I’m watching.
First! Let’s all be happy that we’re not European. A new study by the European Environment Agency shows that pollution throughout Europe has decreased life expectancy by up to two years, and will adversely affect child development. Pollution kills “significantly” more people in Western and Central Europe each year than car accidents. And almost 100 million people don’t have access to clean water. And if that’s not depressing enough, more than 700 European species are threatened with extinction. Mon Dieu, Europeans, turn things around!
Of course, I don’t think we’re ones to talk, when it comes to pollution. So let’s change the subject, shall we? To, say, the link between a bad relationships and a bad ticker. This is the news today from a British study, in which they found that heart disease and problems in one’s marriage or close relationships are inextricably linked. What’s behind the damage caused by negative interactions? Researchers hypothesize that people have what’s known as “feelings,” and if these “feelings” are mashed into a soft paste under the boot of a loved one, they may “feel” bad. Feeling bad isn’t good for your heart. This is a study? Bottom line: people can kill you. So don’t love anyone, or even like them. Also, don’t go outside. You’ll thank me someday.
A heads-up for those of you stuck in troubled marriages: if your spouse serves you a contaminated pot pie, it may not be on purpose. There were more food recalls this week, including almost 23 million pounds of tainted beef from both Topps (don’t they make baseball cards? Why did they get into the beef business? Oh, wait) and Sam’s Club. Most of that coming from Topps, which immediately went out of business thereafter. Also, 139 cases of salmonella were blamed on ConAgra’s Tainted Banquet Chicken and Turkey pot pies. But see, it’s right there in the name! Why did you buy them, people?
Anyway, everyone’s underpants are all twisted up over all these recalls, and for good reason. Is nothing safe anymore? No. No, it’s not. (See above, re: never going outside.) Meanwhile, here’s my favorite incredibly obvious tip, suggested by a noted expert: “Consumers can cook things to higher temperatures if they’re concerned about killing bacteria.” No, damn you, I’m going to keep simmering my chicken at a pleasant, bacteria-nurturing 110°, and not one degree higher. Although I will quit it with the raw-pork-surprise burritos. I see now that those were funny only to me.
On a lighter note: kids don’t know the first thing about money! This poll conducted by Forbes found that children have little idea of how much their dream jobs would pay. Eleven-year-olds, for instance, believe that writers make $211,000. What a hoot! We all know it’s only half that much.