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The Perfect Postpartum Wardobe

Published 07.17.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (21)

Hey Amalah/Amy;

I'm a new reader, but enjoying your sass/honesty/poop jokes tremendously. Here's my question: I'm 32 wks pregnant with my first baby (stretch marks already, what's up with that? but not my question). But I am looking for what cute but comfy clothes to wear in the hospital and the first few days at home that I can sleep in, wake up in, look adorable in, and nurse in, all while in the messy postpartum experience. Because people want to VISIT and see the BABY, but my understanding is that I will be attached to said baby during much of that early time, so I'd like to feel, well, not too horribly ugly and unpresentable. (We will limit visitors, but I work in the hospital where I'm delivering, so some socializing is actually unavoidable, and frankly, nice to see some of my very close work friends.)

There are very few pajama options out there - I was thinking more of a cute pants/top idea than a nightgown/robe option, the better to look almost like I got it together to get dressed. Are pants a bad idea given bleeding etc of postpartum? Of note, I was on the 12-14ish size before pregnancy, and although have only gained about 12 pounds thus far, I'm a L-XL in most maternity clothes.

I know there's lots of time, but this is what I'm obsessing about today - any ideas?

- Pregnant in Boston

Welcome, new reader! Allow me to crush a couple of your hopes and dreams before getting to the recommendations portion of this column.

1) Don't pack your own clothes for the hospital. Seriously, do not bother, unless you have nightgowns you are willing to toss in the trash before you leave. Yes, I know, every book and list out there recommends bringing your own gowns and PJs and comfortable underwear and in theory, that sounds very nice and comfy and home-away-from-home-ish. But then visit the maternity ward and notice that everybody is wearing the standard-issue hospital gowns (although probably with their own slippers and robes).

You will bleed and ruin anything you bring, pretty much. (I even had to toss my slippers and socks.) (Sorry in advance for the massive oversharing going on in this column.) So why ruin YOUR stuff, especially expensive maternity/nursing stuff? I remember hearing stories about the giant disposable granny panties the hospital provides and dutifully packed my own underwear, but after my first trip to the bathroom I told my husband to just take that stuff home, dear GOD, and fully embraced the mesh things and even swiped several pairs to wear at home -- all to buy myself as much time as possible for the bleeding to slow before donning my own stuff.

YOU MUST wear gowns in the hospital, since you're regularly being checked and examined down there, and while the hospital gowns aren't the cutest things in the world, they are comfortable and convenient, with openings for nursing that still manage to mostly maintain your modesty for visitors. (And no, they aren't open down the back like other hospital garb -- you pull them over your head.) I personally bled on several, and it was nice to simply ring the nurse for a change and disposal instead of rooting through my bag and then sending my husband home with a bag of soiled nightgowns to deal with.

So...bring a robe if you'd like to feel a little more covered up, but trust me, NO ONE is going to visit you and then cluck their tongues about how the woman who just gave birth is wearing a HOSPITAL GOWN, like, can you BELIEVE how she's let herself go since having that baby nine whole hours ago? God.

2) Immediately postpartum, maternity clothes are your best and most comfortable bet. Which is why so many maternity tops closely resemble nursing tops with the stretchy, crossover boob style. As a first-time birther, I will admit that my expectations for my body's recovery time were HYSTERICALLY out of whack. I really expected my stomach to deflate during my hospital stay and I'd be back in cute little yoga pants by the week's end. Too many trashy gossip rags, I guess.

So I was frankly, shocked by how pregnant I still looked for a long time afterwards, and that maternity pants mostly remained my only option. But looking back, I wish I hadn't fought it so much -- oh, the memories of squishing myself into JEANS for NO APPARENT REASON -- since the number-one rule for dressing "cute" is to WEAR STUFF THAT FITS, and if that means hanging on to the elastic belly panel in order to avoid the Worst Muffin Top Of Your Life, so be it.

This doesn't mean building up a nursing wardrobe is a bad idea. If you don't own some maternity stretch pants or leggings, go ahead and get some now for maximum wearing time. If you decide to buy more tops, look for the empire waist style in stretchy knits that allow for easy pulling down around the boobs. But for the timeframe you mentioned -- the first few days at home -- just plan on culling any cute, pulled-together outfits from your current maternity wardrobe.

As far as true "nursing wear" goes, to finally get to what you were asking about, I am huge fan of Aimee Nursing Gowns. Their styles offer pretty much everything you can ask for in nursing lounge-y clothes: super-soft fabrics, a ton of stretch and a lot of support around the boobs (i.e. you don't have to layer a nursing bra underneath, and they'll hold a nursing pad in place). I only had a gown last time (still do! still wear it! holds up to a zillion washings wonderfully!) but can't WAIT to get some tops and lounge pants this go-round. (Hint! Wow! What great gifts they make for pregnant ladies!) I put my gown on within an hour of getting home from the hospital, climbed into bed with the baby and probably changed out of it two days later or so.

Speaking of pants and whether they're a good idea or not...eh, it depends. With a c-section, nightgowns were my best bet, even though I'm not particularly a nightgown person. But it was about a week before any sort of waistband -- maternity or not -- were really comfortable. The bleeding (lochia) settled down after a few days -- I think there were only two or three days at home (although my section meant a longer hospital stay) where I was using the hospital-issued ginormopads and changing them constantly, and then after that it was very much your run-of-the-mill period-type bleeding. If you can get to the bathroom occasionally and have no reason why pulling pants up and down would be painful, then pants are just fine postpartum.

(Of course, lochia can be different for every woman -- some women get it for two weeks, tops; others bleed for six full weeks. I bled for about four. And the heaviness of the flow can vary wildly.)

The most important thing is to be COMFORTABLE. Way more important than appearing pulled-together and impressive to visitors who really only have eyes for your newborn. Think stretchy knits, supportive bras and tops, easy boob access. For visitors you aren't comfortable nursing in front of, get a nursing cover. And of course, lots of slimming black.

Hear what Liz Lange has to say about dressing for your "Fourth Trimester":

- Breastfeeding Mom Essentials

- Dressing for the "4th Trimester": Tips #1

- Dressing for the "4th Trimester": Tips #2

- Postpartum Dressing: Mistakes to Avoid

- Dressing for a New Mom's Night Out

Don't forget to visit Amalah's weekly pregnancy calendar, Zero to Forty.

The Case of the Lowballed Babysitter

Published 07.14.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (28)

Dear Amy,

I'd appreciate your advice regarding this situation. My sister is an elementray school counselor who regularly babysits during the summers. She recently asked a friend for referrals for new babysitting jobs for the summer and almost immediately began babysitting for a family with 4 adopted children, one of which has special needs and therefore frequent 1-2 hour doctor appointments.

Here's the problem: when asked how much she charged, my sister replied that it varies depending on the situation, but that she had been pleased receiving $12/hr for two children from the family that she has helped the longest. The first night she sat for this family the woman asked her if $10/hour would be OK since the kids all 4 went to bed at 7pm and she would only be sitting there for a couple of hours waiting for the parents to get home. My sister replied politely that that amount would be fine understanding the reasoning behind the price was because she really wouldn't be interacting with the children except for a few minutes.

The family has continued to ask her to babysit frequently, mostly during the day and my sister would love to continue helping them as she deparately needs the money. However, the family continues to pay her $10/hour for four kids for daytime sitting. She also has to drive almost 45 minutes round trip to their house and back and the skyrocketing gas prices obviously cut in to her earnings drastically.

When the gas issue came up once before the mother started paying an additional $5 per visit (not per hour) to compensate, but as anyone can quickly figure the national average price for a gallon of gas is $4 and that won't touch a 45 minute drive.

It's not that the family cannot afford to pay more. They are a wealthy family living in a nice house, talking of a long European vacation and multiple extravagant home improvement projects. They are good people and love their children and my sister; they just don't seem to have a clue how to pay a babysitter for 4 kids.

As a counselor, my sister has a deep love for children and she wants to be there for these kids who so desperately want and need attention (can you imagine being adopted and 1 of 4, not to mention the one with the special needs?). She just cannot continue working for them for what feels like less than minimum wage. She is a professional, not a 13 year old girl across the street. How can she change her situation without giving up on the family altogether and without sounding like a demanding, ungrateful twit?

-C

Simple. She needs to speak up, clearly and absolutely definitively. "I'm sorry to do this to you on such short notice, but with the cost of gas and some rising living expenses, I now charge $XX per hour for babysitting, for both day and evening hours. I hope you understand."

There's no need to go into more details -- i.e. getting defensive about the initial pay discussion or quibbling over why $10 was okay in that situation but not now. If she wants to keep the family as a client, she definitely needs to avoid embarrassing them or making them feel badly over cheaping out on childcare. Just a direct declarative sentence. She probably makes hundreds of them a day in her "real" job -- I wonder if this summer babysitting gig is making her (and her backbone) regress a tad, thus allowing this family to treat her like the 13-year-old across the street instead of, you know, the competent educational professional that she really is.

After this discussion, if the family does hire her again (which I really imagine they would, even if they do try to find someone else, because they're in for some sticker shock when the next sitter bluntly announces that four kids = $25/hour, non-negotiable) (hell, we pay more per hour than she's getting for ONE kid, and I'd never dream of trying to get an early-bedtime discount, because time is time), she might want to remind them of the new rate when she accepts, or count the money before she leaves. If they lowball her at all, she should smile brightly and say something like, "Oops! My rates have gone up. Five hours at $XX. Thanks." Awkward, I know. But again, we all have the right to check the number on our paychecks each pay period and wouldn't hesitate marching into Human Resources in case of a discrepancy.

(Don't MAKE me get into the crazy devaluing of childcare we've got going on in this country, or the weird refusal of so many people to see it as real and important work, whether performed by a parent or nanny or sitter.)

Obviously, there's no guarantee that the family will take this well -- I don't know them or their motives for underpaying your sister. Are they just clueless? Bad at math? Really cheap? Arrogant? Manipulative? $10 an hour for four children is...no. I understand your sister is attached to the children and all but if money is the priority than...money needs to be the priority, and there's nothing wrong with that. These aren't her children; it's not her responsibility to make sure they're being cared for by a loving, competent person. It's their parents' responsibility, and a huge part of that responsibility is to pay a fair, agreed-upon wage for this extremely important and valuable service.

If they truly don't understand how valuable a good babysitter is, well. Time to move on. Off to Craigslist or the bulletin board at Whole Foods. I'm sure there's no shortage of families who would trade their own gas budget for a sitter like your sister. In fact, I bet there's no shortage of people reading this column ("non-teenaged English-speaking educational counselor? with references and her own car?") with their fingers itching to post WHERE DOES SHE LIVE? I'LL HIRE HER! OMG! in the comments section.

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No Glass Slippers Allowed: What to Wear to Buckingham Palace

Published 07.11.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (11)

Amy,

HELP.

So here's my dilemma. I live in London and have been lucky enough to be invited to the Buckingham Palace Garden Party this year. July 22, to be precise. Which suddenly seems very soon.

I got the dress sorted freakishly easily - saw it online, went to the shop, tried it on, found that it fits nicely, twirled around a bit and then slapped down the MasterCard. The dress isn't my usual style but I like it and it conforms to all the rules about what one wears to the Queen's house (wide straps, no plunging neckline, demure length etc - picture attached).

I even have the hat sorted as one of my friends has one that I've not seen but which she promises me will go with the dress perfectly. It's cream and looks kind of like the hat in the picture attached.

Which brings us to shoes and the fact that I have gone out and bought a purple dress without having any clue what colour shoes to wear with it. Purple to match the dress? Cream to match the hat? Presumably not black, right? Also, the more I look at the dress, the more I don't even have any clue what style of shoe will go with it. Skyscraper heels are out as it's a garden party in England in July, which equals soggy grass. But then I suppose flats are out also, as it's a party that the Queen is hosting so it is presumably going to be kind of formal. Are stockings required? I don't know. I'm confused. SOS.

Thanks so much!

Eliza

07101872_large.jpgAh, hats! It's a shame no one wears hats anymore. I wouldn't have to get my roots done so often.

Since hats are definitely more of a throwback item these days, there aren't a lot of hard-and-fast rules and guidelines to them anymore -- including having your shoes always match. HOWEVER, I must completely and utterly nix the very idea of purple shoes. No. That's just entirely too precious and matchy-matchy, not to mention a complete waste of a pair of shoes, since you will likely never wear something like that again.

Cream shoes would be absolutely fine -- I prefer that shoes generally not match the dominant color of my outfit, but I do try to pick up a color of an accessory I'm wearing, be it a belt, purse, hat or jewelry. So provided you aren't opposed to wearing light-colored shoes in a grassy area, a nice off-white or bone-colored shoe would very much compliment your outfit and the summer season.

Another color option would be a soft grey or matte pewter-- colors that looks fantastic paired with lavender and other shades of purple. You could then add a similarly-colored bracelet or small handbag to tie it all together. (I would probably try to avoid having your hat, bag and shoes all be the exact same shade of cream, by the way. If you go with off-white shoes, I'd carry a grey or purple bag, I think. Three cream-colored accessories veers too closely to that matchy-matchy realm and says, "Yes, I WAS in a panic about my outfit and DID totally overthink it, thank you for noticing.")

I couldn't find ANYTHING about hose or stocking being required at the palace these days, so I'd feel free to default to your personal preference. Whatever you're more comfortable in. I DO think heels are the way to go here -- flats would ruin the lovely line and party feel of your dress. Not skyscraper heels, by any means, but just a nice pump height. I'm sure you'll see EVERYTHING at this party, from old-school Easter Sunday shoes to strappy sandals to lucite stilettos and oh lord, I can only HOPE for civilization's sake that you don't see any flip-flops, but even that wouldn't surprise me.

Hat.jpgPersonally, I'd go with a nice peeptoe heel with this dress -- they're insanely easy to find in every color these days, and would be just a tad dressier and more formal than say, a wedge heel, but not quite as fussy as a high-heeled strappy sandal. If you're worried about the grass, consider a patent-leather pump, which is really easy to wipe off and less likely to get completely ruined if there's rain or mud on party day.

(Oh, and if you do go with an open-toed shoe of any kind, pleasefortheloveofGod promise me you won't paint your toenails purple. If you're over the age of 10 and no longer using sparkly Tinkerbell nail polish, you are too old for the precious matchy-matchy pedicure. The End.)

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Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. A Washington D.C.-based freelance writer. The Smackdown is published on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. You can follow Amy's daily mothering adventures at www.amalah.com. Also, it's pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

Amy is also documenting her second pregnancy in a Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

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