Pregnancy

When Daddy’s Been Drinking

Hi Amy –

I love love love your column and your blog and all the sound advice you’ve dispensed over the years.

I have a heavy situation here: I am two weeks from my due date with my first baby. My husband tried to quit drinking when we got pregnant, so nine months ago. We’ve been together nearly ten years and his drinking has been something we’ve talked about and worked on the whole time, but he never actually took the leap to quit outright until the baby. It has… not gone well. He has relapsed half a dozen times or more. He has anxiety and depression on top of the alcoholism. He was suicidal and spent a week in a mental hospital where they recommended an outpatient rehab program. He has been attending that and sporadic AA meetings, but still has been struggling mightily with suicidal thoughts and relapsing. He has started hiding vodka bottles everywhere and lying constantly about whether or not he’s been drinking. He calls in sick to work more often then not. He doesn’t answer his phone.

I just can’t do it any more. I spent last night with family because I just can’t be around him if he is like this.

He mentioned that he might want to try a residential (inpatient) recovery program, but when I tried to discuss it further he said he didn’t want to go because he doesn’t want to miss the birth of his baby girl. However, I don’t really feel comfortable with him being there – certainly not if he’s drunk, and if he doesn’t answer his phone how will he know I’m in labor anyway? And we have this huge chasm between us now of distrust and hurt feelings and I don’t think I can be vulnerable and in labor and trying to deal with him too. I feel so bad about taking this experience away from him, but then I remind myself that he made these choices and this major consequence of missing his daughter’s birth may be what he needs to get his head on straight.

I guess my question is: do you (or commenters) have advice for me? I know that only I can know how much I can put up with, or where to draw the line, but I just don’t know what to do. I do not want to leave him, I really really believe he can get better, and I know that when he does he will be the most loving, caring, devoted spouse and father. I know he can do it. I just don’t know when or how or what I can do to make that happen.

I keep reminding myself that I need to take care of myself and the baby and make sure I create a loving, safe home environment and if that means he can’t be there that is just the way it has to be. I’m just scared to death of being a single mom with a newborn and where he is going to go and what might happen to him. I only have enough paid-time-off to cover about half of my maternity leave and I was counting on his financial contribution to make this all work, and by the looks of things he won’t be able to keep his job much longer. My family has helped out a lot already with medical bills and other support, but I don’t know how much more I can ask of them.

I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings and the family therapy nights at the outpatient program he is in, so there is support there. I just wish someone could say “do x” and he’ll get better. Even if people just have stories that they have been here before, that they survived, that being a single mom of a newborn is somehow a survivable experience, that would be much appreciated.

Stranded Between Hopeful and Hopeless

Every once in awhile I get a letter like yours in the Smackdown queue — not this exact circumstance, or anything — but a letter that I realize I need to publish even though I have absolutely no advice or insight or words of knowing experience/camaraderie/whatever. Even though I’ll be lucky if I’m able to string together two or three coherent paragraphs of filler. Even though it makes me feel so wildly helpless and out of my depth because I want to HELP and FIX and ALL THAT.

But I need to publish it anyway because someone out there, in the wilds of the Internet commenting system, might have the words that I do not.

I don’t know what you should do. I have no idea what the right call is, here. His drinking is not your problem to “fix,” obviously, and there are no guarantees for either course of action: Let him witness his daughter’s birth and hope that he’ll come to his moment of crystal-clear clarity and responsibility on his own…or stick to your guns and bar him from the birth and hope that the tough-love look-what-alcohol-cost-you approach is what does it. (Can you videoconference a birth from rehab? Or would that basically undo the Whole Putting-Your-Foot-Down Point of it all? GAH I DON’T KNOW.)

He clearly needs that inpatient rehab, and I hate to think of him using his child’s birth as an “excuse” to delay going when in reality it’s possible he’ll simply spend the next two weeks (and your labor and her birth) in a last-hurrah-style bender. But success at inpatient rehab STILL requires a great deal of effort and motivation on his part, and I feel your hair-pulling frustration that he is still dragging his feet after almost nine full months of chances and relapses and come-to-Jesus-moments between the two of you. At this point it sounds like his drinking is so officially out of control that he could miss the birth anyway because he’s stuck in the drunk tank at the police station.

I don’t think anyone would blame you at all for putting your foot down and not wanting to risk him showing up drunk (or not at all) at the hospital. You are absolutely correct that he’s made his choices (or as much “choice” as addiction, dependency and mental illness allow) and it’s time for you to protect yourself and your own sanity and focus on giving your daughter as peaceful of an entry as possible. I don’t think anyone would think you are terrible for “denying” him the chance to let you both down, again. Or for going at this alone, at least for the next 28 days or so, at which point you can introduce him to his daughter and take it one day at a time, together.

But I also completely understand how terrifying that is. Even if I may suspect you have more than a little Superwoman blood in your veins, for remaining upright and level-headed and strong — YES YOU ARE STRONG — to be dealing with all of this while pregnant for the first time. I was prone to falling to pieces over missing baby swing parts and stolen recycle bins at 38 weeks pregnant. An alcoholic, absent husband would probably have broken me, and your letter is Exhibit A in the case that you are not broken, or anything close to it. I’m glad you have support, both from Al-Anon and your family. Please lean into that support with no guilt and as little worrying about the future as possible, for now.

One last virtual back-pat before I hand things over to our lovely community of commenters, for THIS:

I do not want to leave him, I really really believe he can get better, and I know that when he does he will be the most loving, caring, devoted spouse and father. I know he can do it.

I hope one day, no matter what happens over the next couple weeks, your husband will look back and read those sentences with a clear and sober head, and realize what a wonderful and amazing woman he’s married to, and that you and your daughter were more than worth getting help for.

Photo credit: Thinkstock

Here’s an update (from 6/11/2012) from the original poster.

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Kathy

12 years ago

I have no comment on the drinking, but when I was pregnant with my daughter I had that same feeling – I can’t be a single parent, there’s no way I can do this. That lasted until my daughter was about 4 months old and then her father left. I discovered I was able to do it, I was a much better parent when I only had to concentrate on my daughter and myself and not worry all the time about what he was doing or where he was. I had a very supportive family, which obviously helped, but the… Read more »

Holly

Honestly, you can only take care of 1 baby at a time in this situation – and your daughter needs to come first. As harsh as it sounds, send him to rehab. If/when he comes out reformed, the reward of seeing his daughter for the first time is about as good as it gets. Financially, I know you are counting on him, but whether or not he’s in rehab – that monetary contribution seems shaky at best. The long-term is what is in your best interest – and better he takes care of this now, rather then when your daughter… Read more »

I could be completely off-base, but am just throwing this out there. What if you call the rehab center, and try to work out an arrangement wherein he enters the center, but ONLY gets to leave, supervised, to witness the birth of your child? Then he goes back right afterwards? Maybe the place could be understanding or you could pay extra for someone to accompany/drive him to the hospital and back, etc? I apologize if that’s too simplistic or if I missed something, but that’s just what popped into my head. Then he will not have the “excuse” of not… Read more »

Julie

Hi. You could be my mom. My dad had a pretty severe drinking problem. When I was in 1st grade Mom picked my sister and I up at school and we slept over a friends house ON A SCHOOL NIGHT! We thought it was weird But hey. Whatever. Turns out mom had had enough with the drinking and had drawn up divorce papers and told dad detox or divorce. Dad went to councelling (with an without mom) and was gone for 27 days in inpatient detox. Over Christmas. With two little girls at home. It sucked. Sucked hard. But I… Read more »

Brianna

After a night where my husband came home, blacked out AGAIN and got “mad” at me for asking him to sleep on the couch he got violent and destroyed a bunch of stuff in our kitchen. Threw my coffee maker, etc. It was a mess. I was terrified/sad with my 3 month old upstairs. Thankfully that was his wake up call and he has since quit drinking around me and our son. I am a recovering alcoholic as well and it was awful watching him go through everything. He does drink when he visits an out of state friend, but… Read more »

I know that at least some treatment centers do let you leave for certain things as long as you’re in the company of other people that are part of the program and you’re not in the detox stage. As long as you tell the people in charge what’s going on beforehand, I feel like he would be able to come see your daughter’s birth and then go back. I would’t let that excuse fly- his drinking may only get worse once she’s born.

Kate

My husband is what some would call an alcoholic, what others would call a normal drinker who sometimes gets out of control and what still others would say is no problem at all. Either way, his drinking (and the resultant legal problems, explosive, violent and erratic behavior) have been the cause of a lot of problems in our relationship. When our second son died suddenly, his drinking became more severe and frequent with a lot of negative consequences for our relationship. I have no prescription for how to “get better” because what worked for him (and I still have no… Read more »

Lesley

This has been my family. I know you want to fix him. I know you want to “send him a message.” I know you might think love and, my God, a tiny, innocent baby might be just the ticket. The odds are not in favor of this. I’m so sorry. They are heavily not in favor of this. Here is the reason: Your husband is not your husband when he’s using. So that doesn’t mean that he won’t have the parental feelings, it doesn’t mean he won’t love you, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to provide for his… Read more »

Phillipa

I must admit I am in the tough love camp on this one too. Maybe not being able to attend the birth of his child is the wake up call he needs. If he complained, you could very easily point out that he could have started the rehab program anytime in the last 9 months leading up to your due date. With any disease, you have the choice to accept treatment or not.

SarahB

It sounds like you are already doing so many right things: going to the counseling sessions, attending al-anon, leaning on your family…before I say anything else, I want to commend your dedication and thoughtfulness to your family. Truly. I can’t advise you on the alcohol issue, but I am a new mother, and I can say this: Make lists now. I would start a big list of what ifs and matching resources…what if he can’t be there in labor? Have someone else ready as your backup–and for when you get home from the hospital too. What if he loses his… Read more »

liz

(Rolling my eyes at Chris, above)…

Anyway, I think you should encourage him to go to inpatient rehab. Use whatever help you can get, and don’t feel guilty. Just remember to repay that help later when things are stable or to pay it forward when you can. And to let those who help you know how much you appreciate it.

Take care of the baby, and take care of yourself.

Emily

Chris, you’re right…that was cruel and unhelpful. The baby is coming in two weeks. She needs to look at the future, not regret decisions made 9 months ago that can’t be undone now. Stranded, I think you are completely on the right path. My boyfriend is in AA and has 5 years clean-and-sober. I have only known him sober, but he often shares insights from meetings and from conversations with his sponsor. There’s one piece of advice that seems especially profound/relevant here. “Whatever you put before your sobriety, you will lose.” If he does not get sober, he will lose… Read more »

missy

Daughter of an alcoholic weighing in. I know my Dad loves me, I used to wish he would love me enough to quit drinking. As an adult I understand that is not quite how it works. I wish my Mom would have pushed rehab before I was born. He has to want to quit for himself, not the baby, not you, for him. He will be a more present Dad if he can do that. If he can not- you just be the most present Mom you can be, and raise your daughter to understand her father’s problems have nothing… Read more »

I realize my comment above doesn’t exactly have a thesis statement. Here goes: do not worry about him seeing the birth. He needs to go to rehab ASAP. Missing the birth is nothing compared to missing out on a real relationship with his child.

He may still refuse to go, but he doesn’t get to use the birth as an excuse.

Amanda

This hits pretty close to home, as my ex suffers from a combo deal of depression, anxiety, and alcohol abuse. We have two children, and having those children escalated all of his problems. We had a pretty normal life for years prior to having kids, then with the first baby the cracks became more apparent – depression. He got counselling, and things got better. We felt confident enough in his recovery for me to get pregnant with our second child. Within a month of her birth, he got progressively more anxious, depressed (I say this in retrospect, as this second… Read more »

Erin

This is almost exactly my story about 3 years ago but replace husband with dad. We begged and pleaded – he continued to drink. He was on house arrest (two DUI’s) – he continued to drink. Tried some out patient programs (court ordered) – he continued to drink. He lost his job – he continued to drink. You get the idea… He even went to one in-patient center and dropped out after a week due to needing his appendix out (apparently he had been drinking so much that it numbed the pain of an appendix that had become so infected… Read more »

I am the oldest child of an alcoholic. My mom left my dad when I was five years old. It was the only thing that got him to stop drinking. And when I say she left my dad, she LEFT. No phone calls. No contact except through divorce attorneys. No “concerned intervention” from “friends.” She LEFT. He got sober and has stayed that way till today, 29 years later. They’re also still married, though it took a good decade of couples’ and individual therapy to keep it that way. Better that your man miss the birth of your baby, which… Read more »

Lindsey

I’m not sure this will help but thought it might. My mother is bipolar and went undiagnosed for years. Manic episodes of bipolar disorder are characterized by erratic and reckless behavior and, often, chemical dependency. Then, the depressive episodes were very similar to someone with clinical depression with suicidal thoughts, loss of appetite, inability to face day-to-day life. She was absolutely horrible when she was manic, particularly to my sister (thankfully we were grown at the time). I won’t go into how horrible it was but she burned many bridges along the way. We were all enabling her in one… Read more »

Oh how I wish I could give you a hug. What a scary experience. A few thoughts I have. – you’re going to be a single mom, whether or not you ditch your husband. He isn’t capable of caring for a baby, it sounds like. You leave him with the baby while you take a shower, he closes his eyes while he’s on the sofa with her and she suffocates? He forgets to feed her? If he’s at home, not only will you have the stress of a newborn, you’ll have the stress of having to supervise your husband. –… Read more »

Debi

I’ve read all of the comments and I hope that these words of wisdom help and encourage you. My husband is an alcoholic and I know I felt better after reading them. As I was reading your letter, this thought kept running through my head “the sick person is running the show” It makes complete sense that you would want to bar your husband from the delivery room completely. This does not make you a bad person or a selfish person. You are a sane person taking back the reigns to your life. I am sure you have learned in… Read more »

Stephanie M

IF he doesn’t miss the birth because he’s in rehab…and I’m not saying he should or shouldn’t, I’m just saying if…

Use your hospital, use your nurses. Let them know that your husband is only welcome there if sober. If he tries to show up, and isn’t sober…they can, and will if you tell them, refuse to let him in the room, refuse to tell him where you are, etc. I hope it doesn’t come to that…but don’t hesitate to use that resource to help screen.

Ash

I think you have done the best you can, but it might be time to put your baby first. You say he has been struggling with this for TEN years, and has not seeked help. That’s an awful long time, and a lot of excuses in his part. Like the others say, you really only need to be looking after 1 baby right now. And caring for yourself postpartum is important too!

He has had 10 years, and more importantly the last 9 months to prepare for his child’s birth, yet he still makes up excuses to keep drinking.

Kimm

I agree with the above. And PLEASE try to go to an Al Anon meeting sometime. It’s for families of alcoholics. It can help you, whether he stops or not. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

meg

If he is in rehab while you give birth, whether the outcome is what you hoped for or not… You will be happier in the long run, thinking back.

You do not want him in the delivery room drunk or going through withdrawls. I’ve been there and wish I had been stronger and told him to leave. Now my memories are mixed between good and bad.

He will make it about him and it is supposed to be about you and your baby.

First, let me say YOU ARE AMAZINGLY STRONG. You have faced all this with a strength you probably didn’t know you had. And you’re going to have to keep doing that no matter what you decide. It sounds funny because I don’t even know you, but I’m proud of you. My advice is to get him to rehab ASAP. Do whatever you have to do for your baby, and I’ll tell you why. My husband and his brother were abused by their stepfather because he had mental health issues and refused to get help. Their mom knew things were bad… Read more »

You wanted someone to tell you what to do, so here goes: do NOT let him attend the birth. He is using that as an excuse to avoid rehab. It sounds like he will still avoid going, but you should still bar him from visiting during labor. The fact is that you are vulnerable while laboring. And it is proven that women who are stressed or confronted with a stressful person during labor can stall while laboring. You don’t need to be worrying about whether he is sober or whether he will barge in or anything about him while you… Read more »

Grace

Oh, my dear. I hope these comments help you. for what it’s worth, I’m not going to be a “positive” person because my own experience isn’t, but I can tell you a few things that are real base on my brother (who has been married and divorced 4 times and is the most charming, best looking guy areoud when he’s sober): -the birth thing is an excuse to stay out of inpatient rehab. -even if he goes in, it takes a LOT to stay sober. Bro has been in 4 times and failed 4 times. -“enabling” a person may be… Read more »

Samantha

So I have lots of alcoholism in my family, and my ex husband, and my current boyfriend. My dad never got sober, my mom has been off and on. Ex husband was sober before and after me, and current boyfriend got sober before I came around. The difference between my SO’s and parents was AA and working the steps. I learned as a kid, through trial and error, that I have no control over the alcoholic, as they have no control over the alcohol. So, when it came time to take myself out of their craziness, because it was best… Read more »

Diane

I am very familiar with all of your husband’s issues (my own hub suffered from major depression when our first child was born (indeed that was the catalyst to get help). First I agree with the other comments which tell you to stand firm I like JB’s suggestion and I would investigate this possibility. He needs help for the alcohol abuse AND the mental illness (which commonly go hand in hand sadly). Find a residential facility that can deal with both (I suspect most can). Talk to him and lay it all out for him- if he wants a future… Read more »

Genevieve

I am sure you have heard in Al-anon that for many alcoholics, they have to hit bottom before recovery can begin. It would be great if he could be there for the birth of your child but maybe missing the birth will be his bottom. It is so painful to watch someone in a state such as this, hurting themselves and others. Your priority (as others have mentioned) is you and your baby. As for your husband, get him to rehab. And just draw that firm line. “you want to be a daddy? You need to get help.” Have someone… Read more »

Laura

Having your husband around with a newborn sounds much more stressful (and potentially dangerous) than being on your own. I agree with everyone saying that you can’t make him change…and a new baby is wonderful, but stressful, especially a first child. I’m not sure it’s your responsibility anymore to get him into an inpatient program but whether you help him with that or not, I think you need to be separated from him. My experience is with a sister that had mental issues and alcohol abuse and nothing our family did could help her. Please, only take him back once… Read more »

anon

Stop enabling your husband. He is using the birth of your daughter as an excuse to stay out of rehab. If he is serious he will go to inpatient rehab no matter what he is missing. Continue to attend al-anon meetings. Seek out a therapist of your own. Focus on yourself and your daughter. You spent TEN years of your life “helping” this man, now is the time to focus on the most important thing: Your child. Don’t let your baby grow up in a volatile household with an alcoholic father, that is damage that hurts for a lifetime. Be… Read more »

Molly

I think other commenters have spoken more beautifully than I could about your relationship with your husband, and his relationship with alcohol. I just wanted to chime in to tell you that reading your story, I actually feel a huge amount of hope and happiness — I really believe your life is about to improve so, so much. Yes, this is a moment of enormous change in your life. And I hear you when you say that the idea of being a single mom with a newborn terrifies you. But this paradigm shift you’re about to experience — I think… Read more »

Kaelak

At this moment, your daughter has two futures that you can give her. One that will limit her, create memories for her of loss, of heartache and of pain that she will never fully recover from. And another future where she will be loved completely and absolutely, by a parent (or parents), with no higher priority than that she grows up in a healthy and selflessly loving home. You know which one she deserves, and you need to fight for that – for her.

Claire

I have been through this as an outsider to the family unit. My former mother in law and father in law were both alcoholics, and had been for years, and this influenced their son and daughter heavily. Both suffered with issues with their own mental health, anger and agression and neither one was done any favours by living in that sitaution all their lives. I will say though, that their mother did become sober, but it was her decision to decide to stop drinking, and accept she was an alcoholic that caused their father to spiral massively out of control… Read more »

Tracy

I haven’t lived through any of this, but everything I’ve learned about alcoholism indicates (a) he won’t/can’t stop drinking until he has no other options, and (b) he has to hit rock bottom or have some kind of major event in his life to actually force him to see that. Missing the birth of his child might be the best thing you could do for him. Arranging things so he gets to continue drinking and not miss out on anything might be the worst.

Carolyn

Said with a lot of love and an “I’ve been there” (but with a parent, not a spouse) – he wants to go to residential rehab, maybe? Oh, SEND HIM! The great thing about residential rehab is that dealing with him becomes their problem for the length of his stay. He will have people *who deal with addicts for a living* dealing with him and they will do the worrying about him. You, on the other hand, will finally get some time to focus on yourself and the baby. It isn’t just residential rehab, honestly, it’s like respite care. Imagine… Read more »

Amy

I am in nearly the same situation you are now with my husband. Although my husband’s addiction is gambling I can relate to being lied to, the unanswered phone calls, the list goes on and we both know it by heart. My husband and I have two kids, a girl who’s 3 and a boy who’s 1. He’s the best father he can be but I find it sad that they favor me so much due to the fact that he’s emotionally unavailable to them much of the time. I know that Lesley’s comments above may be hard to hear… Read more »

ruby

I’m writing this from my perspective as a daughter of a recovered functional alcoholic. My father never missed work or acted like a “typical” drunk (slurred speech, falling down, etc. He certainly yelled a lot though). His drinking profoundly affected my whole family. Although I have learned to love him deeply, it has taken years, and I will never have storybook “daddy” feelings about him. My mom never left him, although they contemplated divorce. Sometimes I think she should have, sometimes not. It’s complicated. I tell you this so you can know a little where I’m coming from in my… Read more »

Carla

I am an alcoholic and so is my x husband. I gave birth 4 1/2 years ago and went to treatment almost 3 years ago, after she was born. By that time, my marriage had ended and I had hit my rock bottom. The day I surrendered and got help was the day my life began. I have been sober ever since and I cannot tell u how proud I am of myself and my child. It was the best thing I could have done for both of us. He needs to go NOW, hopefully he will succeed and look… Read more »

When I was six months pregnant, my husband was arrested after he was found passed out, drunk, on railroad tracks by railroad employees. For 24 hours I had no idea where he was. When he finally came home, I had a choice to make. I could either leave or trust that rehab and probation would give us a chance at a future together. I chose the later. After treatment, my husband has been sober and present in our relationship. Nearly two years later, he is an excellent father to our child. If missing the first few weeks of his daughter’s life, by… Read more »

6 years ago

Reply to x

Very well said! The birth of our daughter didn’t help my husband. Now we are trying marriage counseling and Al-Anon.

KFHHi

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. From the sounds of your letter you sound like you are already taking all the right steps, by participating in Al-anon and using the support of your family. Al-anon is so important for you right now, and will help you process the grief and pain that you are experiencing. I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 4 years, and I do know that his sobriety needs to be his top priority right now, if there is any chance for him to be the man you and your child… Read more »

Jackie

Stranded – you are me two years ago. My husband was always a drinker, and it wasn’t a big deal until it was a BIG DEAL. He lost his job in December 2009 and the drinking/depression/anxiety spiralled out of control. I didn’t realize how bad things were until I was on maternity leave in May 2010. While on maternity leave, I realized that he couldn’t physically get off the couch. I found out that he hadn’t paid bills in four months (not our mortgage, credit cards, insurance). At first, I thought it was the depression (no job), but I quickly… Read more »

Caroline

10 years ago

Its like its there for ever and its eating me inside , I take day by day , smile , laugh , have fun. But at the end of the day , I go to bed turn off the lights , my darks thoughts come back, im so sick of living on my past , I wanna move on. But I can’t. My fear ? Aha I scare my self , I have bad thoughts , about people and other stuff/things. I wanna feel loved. I would want my dad too stop drinking , I close my eyes all I… Read more »

When Daddy’s Been Drinking

Amy Corbett Storch

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When Daddy’s Been Drinking

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Amy Corbett Storch

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