Pregnancy

The Second-Baby Baby Shower Question

Hi Amy!

You’re great and I love your advice. I’ve scoured the internet and polled my friends and no one can give me a definitive answer. I’m pregnant with my second child and due at the beginning of July. I have a two year old son and I just found out that I’m having a baby girl! Could not be more excited! My question is simple…should I have a shower for Baby Girl or is that tacky?

I’ll explain my thoughts and then you can tell me what to do, ok? I promise I will do whatever you advise.

My thoughts, in no particular order…

-am I shortchanging Baby Girl by not having a party for her? She’s already going to be using her big Brother’s hand-me-down items for big ticket stuff and the second child rarely gets the fanfare that the first did.

-if I do have a baby shower should I put on the invitation “no gifts”? But people want to buy gifts and frankly, there are a few things that I do want and I would rather have stuff that I actually need/want rather than a bunch of crap people bought because I gave them no ideas. For example, I want to cloth diaper this time around and I would love if people would by a diaper cover or such rather than 14 of the same teeny tiny tshirts.

-if I do have a second baby shower, should I invite only a handful of people? But what if others find out about it and think that I didn’t want them there? Really, I just don’t want people to feel obligated to buy me a gift. But again, no ideas/baby registry could lead to craptastic gifts.

-I actually don’t have any little girl stuff nor do I have piles of money to buy little girl stuff. I’m totally fine with using boy-themed swings and bouncers and the like but I can’t very well dress Baby Girl in the same things her brother wore. I mean really, there’s frugality and then there’s just meanness.

Bottom line, I feel like Baby Girl’s birth should be celebrated just the same as we celebrated for my son. I just don’t want people to think I’m a gift whore.

Please help me. My pregnancy brain really can’t take any more of this.

-E

Misconceptions about Second Baby Showers

So somewhere along the way in my life, I picked up on the idea that a woman got ONE baby shower, for her first baby, and that was it. Subsequent pregnancies did not get a shower, and to do otherwise was tacky. I honestly have NO IDEA who told me this or why I clung to it like gospel, because OH WAS I EVER CORRECTED during my second pregnancy.

Many people suggested it’s a regional thing, since in the South, every baby gets a shower, no matter what. And multiple showers, if geography prevents anyone from traveling to one central location. I wonder if it’s different for people who view the shower for what it really is — a PARTY, a celebration of mother and baby — versus people who do see baby showers primarily as gift grab extravaganzas, where it’s all about the baby registry and not much else.
Anyway, I have come around on second baby showers.

Like you said, second- and third- and etc.-born babies don’t quite get the fanfare of first-born, and there is nothing EVER routine or humdrum about the birth of a new baby. And on the practical side, stuff gets broken, lost, or given away. Plus, you’re having a girl. I think your friends and family understand that you might want a few non-blue items around. (My family’s been waiting for someone to have another baby girl for 21 years now. Instead, we’ve had a total of six boy grandchildren. If a girl ever does arrive, hoo boy, it’s gonna look like a Pepto Bismol hurricane flew through the house.)

Baby Shower Etiquette

But. BUT BUT BUT. Here is what is still considered rude and tacky: Throwing yourself a shower. Sending out the invites yourself, having it at your house, or anything that suggests you organized it. Some formal etiquette sticklers also extend this to immediate family, like mothers and sisters, but this has mostly fallen out of fashion and isn’t a big deal anymore. Throwing your own shower, however, is still a big old NO.

(My second shower was SUPPOSED to be a surprise, with my best friend plotting with my husband about how best to get me to put together an Amazon wish list or something without me knowing why…but that got ruined when my husband asked me to find an email for him on his phone and I accidentally saw a subject line like AMY’S SHOWER SHHHH!! And then the invite was online and I linked to it because it was kind of an unusual Mostly Internet People Thing involving Another Event That I Was Already Supposed To Invite People To. And some people thought that was terribly tacky and gift-grubby and told me so to my face. Er, to my blog comment section. However, as any mildly good etiquette-conscious person knows, telling someone that they’ve broken an etiquette “rule” is generally considered to be even worse. So there. Or something. In other words, I get that real-life tends to be a lot more complicated than the etiquette books allow for.)

Your email isn’t clear on this point, though. Has someone offered to throw you a shower? If so, tell them you’re up for it and let them take the lead about shower location, how many people to invite, what to include on the invitations. Then you go ahead and register at a baby store and a cloth diaper website and share the info with your shower organizer. It’s her responsibility to pass it along to guests…IF THEY ASK. (I’m really still not a fan of invitations arriving with registry info printed on them, but realize I’m slowly becoming a minority in that. It’s convenient for both guest and hostess, yes, but also TOTALLY WHY wedding and baby showers are getting this bad, grabby reputation.)

I’m predicting most people will bypass your baby registry and buy you baby clothes though. Probably lots of tiny pink girly ones. Just a hunch.

If someone hasn’t offered to throw you a baby shower…

I think you have two, actually three, choices.

1. You put all of this on the back burner and proceed as if you will not be having one. No registry, though it’s completely fine to give specific ideas (cloth diapers, clothing, other essentials) to people who ask. Perhaps someone will offer closer to your due date; perhaps not, if you do live in an area where second baby showers just “aren’t done.”

2. You ask someone — or a couple, to minimize the responsibility load — to organize a shower on your behalf. Plenty of women do this. Emphasize your desire to celebrate Baby Girl, not your need for New Stuff. If they agree, you hand over the reins and proceed as I described above. Collaborate on the guest list and size, give them your registry info, let them handle the invites and everything else.

3. One last option: it’s becoming really common for the second (or third or whatever) baby shower to be a “couples shower.” Instead of the traditional flock of women oohing and aahing over twee little clothes, you have a party that includes spouses and already-born children. Sometimes these don’t happen until after the baby is born. I like these, since they just seem so much less about the gifts and more about the entire family. If you feel strange about asking someone to organize a shower, you can TOTALLY THROW A PARTY like this and just leave the word “shower” out of it.

Go ahead and create some pink invites that say something else: We’re celebrating Big Brother and the upcoming arrival of Baby Sister! Send it to friends and include spouses and children’s names on the envelopes and NO REGISTRY INFO. “No gifts” is certainly an appropriate, polite option (and one that will be ignored by exactly half the guests, making the other half feel stupid and WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT? AT LEAST GIVE THE GIFT OUT OF SIGHT OF PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS GAH.). Then have everybody over for a big ol’ barbecue or something, and promise me you won’t make anyone play the melted-chocolate-bar-in-a-diaper game.

Photo by Aine D

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Bethany

14 years ago

Majorly in favor of couples showers. I’m a girl but I get really nervous and uncomfortable at the idea of squee baby games and massive woman time (nothing against girls nights or anything, I’m just weird) and also, as my boyfriend pointed out when we got an invite–it’s as much for the dude to celebrate as the lady. He admittedly isn’t carrying the kid those 9 months, but our male friend at least had adjusted his work schedule, driven his wife around, given her backrubs, gone to classes, cooked her special foods, etc, etc. and totally deserved to celebrate as… Read more »

Anonymous

Having a different sex is a really good excuse for a second shower. Plus, as the friend who threw mine pointed out, everyone loves to buy baby clothes, particularly little girly clothes. Plus plus – people who don’t want to buy a present? Just won’t come.
I registered for cloth diapers, and I got a few. But I also registered for closet organizers, and got a lot of those, so yea.

Horribly old fashioned, but 2nd shower still seems tacky to me. Of course, I still don’t get the registering for baby gifts thing. I was brought up with the idea of registering for china crystal and linen pattern only. Guess I should get with the times. I really like the idea of a family get together after baby girl is born to welcome her to the world.

-2

Katie

I’m pregnant too, and due in May, with our first. For quite a while, it looked as if no one was going to give a shower (mostly due to conflicts/other big events happening in the lives of a lot of close friends and family, and the fact that we moved to a new area pretty recently). I was too stubborn to ask, and my Mom was pretty deadset that it was bad form for her to give it (while I realize this is becoming more and more accepted, I agreed. Although I’m not similarly as bugged by sisters of the… Read more »

JCF

I had a couple of friends offer to throw me a shower for my second baby, with the reasoning that every baby deserves a shower. It was pretty small and low-key–very relaxing and lovely. We waited until after the baby was born since I didn’t know what I was having, which was great since I ended up having a girl (my first was a boy). It was wonderful to receive all of those girl clothes (when they asked, that’s what I said we needed!). If I were you, I’d go ahead and register for cloth diapers, so that if someone… Read more »

AJU5's Mom

We had a “Welcome” shower for my son. Both of my kids were a surprise (i.e. didn’t find out the gender until birth), so we had most of the basics. But, I knew if I had a boy that I would want boy clothes! Friends at church offered to throw one two months before he was born, but I suggested we wait until two months after (because of the holidays). It turned out great. All of the ladies got to hold him (which they loved), and I got the boy clothes I wanted (in a variety of sizes). I highly… Read more »

Becky

I’m not a mom, but I am a single gal whose friends are popping kids out right and left, so take this for what it’s worth. Not a huge fan of second showers (or third, etc.) I’m not saying they’re tacky or rude, just not a fan. When it comes to my friends and family, I’m thrilled that they’re having a baby and of course I’ll run out and give them a gift and do anything I can to help– I just don’t need the pretense of a shower to do so. I’ll go through the obligatory first shower, but… Read more »

Michelle

Question – wouldn’t it be better to have a party celebrating new baby girl AFTER she arrives? Isn’t throwing a BBQ with invites that specifically say you’re celebrating new baby girl’s upcoming arrival basically throwing yourself a shower? I’ve seen it done after the baby arrives where there is some sort of Open House, but before seems just as tacky to me, because if you specify that you’re celebrating the upcoming arrival…well, that’s basically a shower!

MSL

Hello, I recently assisted throwing a baby shower for a friend having their 2nd baby. Instead of the more traditional shower where games and such are played, this was more along the lines of: Please come, eat some food, socialize with friends and celebrate the upcoming birth of Baby. The expectant mom registered for smaller (ie less expensive) items such as diapers and stuff to give folks the opportunity to get them a gift but gifts were not opened at the shower unless a guess specifically asked the guest of honor to do so. The exceptionally cool part of this… Read more »

Amy in StL

I’ve been inundated with baby shower and wedding shower invites recently. Regarding registries, here’s a suggestion that I’ve seen work well. If you’re registered at Babies R Us or Target (at least in this area those are the normal places) you don’t have to tell folks, unless they ask. People assume that you’ve registered there and know to look. If you’ve registered at someplace that’s not normal for your area – like the couple who registered for their wedding at Home Depot and at a local gallery place – then you may want to let people know.

Karen

Absolutely second the welcome party post-birth. This is a wonderful and tasteful way to commemorate the occasion. People will definitely ask what you need and if they don’t, they probably have a special gift in mind that will be unique and more meaningful than pink shirts (which, by the way, are plentifully available n nearly new condition at consignment stores). We did this for my first rather than a shower and I loved it.

Roshana

I don’t understand the big deal regarding 2nd showers. I don’t think it’s selfish. Usually you’re inviting family & close friends who are happy for you, want to celebrate the baby with you, and will most likely want to purchase something for the baby. What’s wrong with that? I did not know it is perceived as tacky to throw your own baby shower. My hubby and I pretty much hosted our own with family members pitching in here and there. It was our 1st child but because we had got married less than 2 yrs before the baby was due,… Read more »

Molly

I don’t actually know anybody who’s ever had a second shower unless their kids were very far apart in age (ie, all their baby stuff had been given away or expired), although I think if somebody offers to throw you one, or you have a post-baby open house, why not? For my second pregnancy, I keep a Wish List on Amazon with things like double stroller, cloth diapers, etc. For now it is private but when we get closer, I plan to let family know about it IF THEY ASK. Otherwise, we got most of what we needed with the… Read more »

Kristen

I’m Erin’s sister and have of course offered to throw a shower. The only real question was whether or not it was considered bad form to have a second shower. We were originally thinking a casual lunch with a bunch of girlfriends. But I LOVE the idea of a Baby Girl Celebration BBQ!
There’s no pressure of shower games (which everyone hates), all the husbands can be there under the pretense of BBQ and beer (not a girly shower) and all the other kids can be involved too! Thanks Amalah, I think it’s a perfect idea!

cagey

I still feel ooky about 2nd baby showers and did not have one for my 2nd baby.
A “welcome party” for AFTER the baby is born, seems a nice idea, though. I cannot tell you how many baby showers I have attended or presented a gift for, only to NEVER actually meet the baby after the actual birth.

Heather

I am definitely in the “tacky to host your own shower” (HELLO) and “2nd baby showers are not done” school. I am expecting my 2nd baby in July, too. I have a 16 mo son and am expecting a girl in July. I have announced the pregnancy to everyone and honestly, am very hurt by the lack of “fanfare” regarding baby #2, especially because baby #2 is a girl. My mom was the only one that sent me a “congratulations!” card (which all I really want anyway). My son has an entire BOX dedicated to the cards sent to us… Read more »

I having a second boy in 6 1/2 weeks and was really uncomfortable having a shower for the second bsby, especially since we’re having the same gender. The girls in my neighborhood really wanted to do something for special for me, and so they have organized a small diaper and wipes “sprikle.” I’m totally cool with that. It doesn’t matter how many babies you have, you will always need diapers.

LLJ

My suggestion if you feel “weird” about having a second baby shower, is to do something completely *different* for the second baby shower.
I would also second the “welcome party,” or maybe something like this – http://offbeatmama.com/2009/11/baby-shower-ideas , or some other sort of gathering (karaoke night with the whole gang? spa day with the girls?) – I’m not that creative with details, but, my main point is that you could just do something *different* so people will not feel like they are “doing this AGAIN.”

LauraL

Amalah, I also was raised with the strict no second-baby showers and found out when I was pregnant with No. 2 that pretty much everyone else I knew considered that an outdated idea. But I am totally, totally 100% with you on Do Not Throw A Shower For Thyself. Just … don’t.
I didn’t know of/think of the party-after-birth-to-welcome-No. 2 or that’s totally what I would have done. What a fabulous idea!

I come from an area where 2nd and even 3rd showers are not only commonplace but expected. I just attended my cousin’s shower for her 2nd baby (but 1st girl), which her mother and sister hosted at a restaurant. We didn’t play cheesy games, we sat and ate and drank champagne and toasted my cousin and her soon-to-be-born daughter. She did refuse to register and thus received a PILE of pink frilly dresses that will never be worn… But it was lovely and not at all tacky or gift-grabby. But we are laid back So Cal folk and don’t really… Read more »

Meghan

Maybe I am really old fashioned, but I just feel like showers for second babies (at least ones that aren’t super far apart) is very gift grabby. I feel like a welcome party is a much better idea. People who want to buy you a gift for your 2nd child will.

We just had our second baby (okay well 10 months ago, but it still feels like *just*) – and there wasn’t a shower, but we did through a party after his arrival. My husband is Chinese so we did a “red egg and ginger” party, but I love Amalah’s idea to just have a big ol’ party once she arrives. Oh and on the cloth diaper thing – we also cloth diapered our second, but not our first. And I managed to get a whole bunch of diapers and covers as hand-me-downs from friends. But you could still set up… Read more »

Jocelyn

I’m from the South, where as Amy said every. Single. Baby gets a shower, whether it’s your first or your fourth, and it’s not “gift grabby.” It’s just… not. For every shower you’re thrown, you’ve attended probably five (or more!) and given a gift for each one. If people want to give you presents, then there’s nothing wrong with your sister providing them with an opportunity to do it all at once. The idea springs from the notion that every child should be celebrated (goodness! how quaint!), not from a misguided wish on the parents’ part to rack up more… Read more »

Erin

Hi everyone, Thanks for all the comments and advice. I talked it over with my husband and we both love the idea of a backyard BBQ to celebrate Baby Girl’s actual birth. We were thinking about calling it the Afterbirth BBQ. Oh wait, people might get the wrong idea. I also took the time to register at Amazon today for only those things that I really need (diaper covers, prefolds, etc.) which I think is an awesome idea. That way, IF someone asks, I can point them in the right direction. Thanks again, Amalah and everyone else, for your suggestions!… Read more »

Melissa

I’m another in the “no second shower” camp, unless there are extenuating circumstances (such as kids born more than 5 years apart). I get that it seems unfair that the second baby receives less fanfare, but honestly, the baby isn’t going to know or care. And as an adult, I think that’s something you should understand. People are more excited about the first because you’re entering the world of parenthood, and that’s a huge deal. Not that the second is any less important of a person, but going from Mom of one child to Mom of two children just is… Read more »

Dhana Cohen

Baby showers should always be about bringing a new life into this world. Regardless to a second baby or a fifth. The celebration of family and friends is the best reason for to throw a shower.

Jessica B

I think that if you are having a second child (who’s sex isn’t the same as the first) then it wouldn’t be rude to have a second shower. You aren’t welcoming the presents (just welcoming the baby) each baby should have those pictures of the celebration of their life….
-Jess
http://www.sewcraftable.blogspot.com

christina

For once, I really don’t agree w/Amalah’s advice. I’m not a huge fan of second showers in general, but the big issue I have is ASKING someone to throw your shower! The cases where I have seen/been involved with that happening have lead to loads of hard feelings. I urge anyone considering doing this to stop, put down the hefty sense of entitlement they’re lugging around, and let it go. You’re lucky enough to be having a baby — noone “owes” you a shower. Trust me, they will resent it, and all of your guests will be tipped off about… Read more »

I am in the ‘No second shower’ camp (and from the South…) and also in the ‘Do not host your own shower’ camp. But I love the post-baby party idea. To me showers are for the first-time mom/dad (I love couples showers – we had one because I liked the idea of celebrating my husband as well) and if you’re really celebrating the second baby, then you wait until after they are here.

Catherine S

I really don’t have a strong opinion in either direction. For me it doesn’t make any sense to have another shower (7.5 months pregnant!!) because we are having another boy and our first is only 18 months. But I think another GREAT idea, if you want to have a prebaby party of some sort, is to have a stock the freezer party. Instead of traditional baby gifts, ask people to bring over a frozen/ freezable meal for the first few weeks after the baby is born. For most people whose 2nd babies are fairly close in age to the first,… Read more »

Calee

I’m pregnant with my 2nd (this time a boy) and a friend offered to throw me a shower. Since #1 came early, she was still in the NICU when I had my shower and I’m really looking forward to being pregnant and having a party for baby. While a “Baby Welcome” party can be great, I know too many people who have kids with unexpected health problems, aside from the general feeling of exhaustion and fat-ness that accompanies the first few weeks/months after birth. The friend that is throwing the shower recently had her 2nd boy and I threw her… Read more »

anon

We just had our second son, more than 10 years after the first. We sent out an evite for a co-ed shower at a restaurant to friends and family with our mothers and best friends listed as the hosts. Our moms split the catering tab for the light lunch buffet, friends decorated and bought a cake. We took care of the guestlist/time/place as to not burden our family and friends with too much work, heaven knows they have jobs and families of their own. No silly games, just good conversation, food and presents. We’re not the judgy type, hopefully your… Read more »

Caitlin

I think it’s completely fine to have a shower for the 2nd baby–people will want to celebrate your daughter as much as they did your son! If you are having a shower and are worried that you won’t have enough to register for, you could always consider more practical gifts. For example, my sister use myregistry.com to set up a “diaper fund” for her second’s shower. She told me that she didn’t end up paying for diapers for nearly the entire first year. The point is that people will be excited and want to celebrate, so no, I don’t think… Read more »

Lori

Interesting statement: “since in the South, every baby gets a shower, no matter what.” I live in the South and I was brought up that you get a baby shower for the first and that’s it. Now wedding showers? That’s another story. I’m with Amy that you in no way throw yourself a shower or indicate that you want a shower. That’s just tacky. People are going to give you gifts anyway, and knowing that you already have a kid and gear I would think that they would ask you what you need. That’s what’s been going on with us… Read more »

Elle

I have to agree that a second shower is tacky, although I wouldn’t really judge if the kids are quite a few years apart. And the idea of hosting your own shower (for a first baby, wedding, fifth baby, whatever) is tasteless. I was also raised that your mom and sisters also shouldn’t host your shower, although that usually seems to be a wink-wink situation where friends “host” but a mom pays. A shower may ostensibly be about celebrating the baby, but it’s really about gifts. Otherwise it would just be a party and not a shower. The after-arrival “welcome… Read more »

Kate

Having a shower for yourself is unbelieveably tacky. Actually, more tacky than having a pay bar at your wedding. A family member having a shower for you is pretty close to being that tacky too. People may tell you it is ok, if you ask their opinion, but they ARE judging you behind your back. Believe me, the older generations going to the shower(if they go) are totally horrified I bet. I think this topic is akin to having your own stag and doe(buck and doe) etc. Just don’t do it. If unrelated people love you enough to do it,… Read more »

Goodness gracious, who knew having a baby and a party could be so controversial! And who knew there were these hard and fast rules? My friends are throwing us a shower for our first baby and I am used to playing hostess, so I *want* to help and be a part of it. As a former event planner I have strong feelings about parties, and hell, I’m going to express them, and I’m going to help organize OUR shower. I offered to send out invitations so my friends wouldn’t have to worry about spelling names incorrectly and so we could… Read more »

Every.
Baby.
Is.
A.
Miracle.
Who.
Deserves.
A.
Party.
But don’t throw it yourself.

Simone D

Personally, I do not see a thing wrong with a second baby shower. I am currently pregnant with my second child and as soon as I told one of my closest friends I was pregnant, she told me she wanted to throw me a shower. Why would I say no? Times are rough and if my friends and family want to get together and help me get things I need for the baby and celebrate, then why should I refuse? It may sound selfish, but I would happily get a friend or family gifts for a 2nd or 3rd baby… Read more »

Brandy

I am expecting my third baby in August and need a shower due to the fact I had my tubes tied over 5 years ago and they healed themselves…. Since it is my third no one has offered to throw me a shower and my feelings are hurt. we have nothing and could use the gifts due to the fact all big ticket items as well as clothes have been given away to others as my kids grew out of them. This baby is a miracle and we wanted fanfare as well as a little help in this economy we… Read more »

Nyda

10 years ago

Reply to Brandy

You don’t need a shower. Your friends and family are not responsible for this baby or for purchasing the items you need or want to care for this baby. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control and can have a big financial impact. Having a baby unexpectedly is one of those things. But expecting your friends to supply you with everything you need for this baby is not the way to work through it. Make a list of bare necessities and start looking for them in inexpensive places. Check discount stores like Wal-Mart, Target, Marshall’s, Ross, Burlington,… Read more »

Nancy R

This is completely fascinating to me!
I live in a ‘shower for the first baby only’ area, but people often give a baby gift for additional babies – particularly if it’s a family member or close friend. There’s just no registry, which is what makes things seem “gift grabby” in my opinion.
So I’m curious… if a person has a shower for each baby do you then give a gift when the baby is born as well?

Sorry but almost all of your concerns are regarding getting the “right” gifts. All of the things you mentioned are about setting up the circumstances to not have people get you what you don’t want. That seems gift grabby no matter how many times you try to say that you aren’t. You CARE what people give you and I think that is just rude. A gift of a personal thing from someone who cares about you. Of course you would want them to care that they are getting you something useful but the reality is that 90% of baby shower… Read more »

Please do not ask your family or friends to throw you a shower. As much as people try to define the purpose of a shower (to set the first time parents up with things they need, to celebrate baby), it is and always will be a gift. The shower itself or the offer to throw one is a gift to the mother-to-be. Asking for one is literally like going up to your friends and asking them to buy a car for you. The cost is obviously different, but it’s the same concept. People will buy you gifts even if there’s… Read more »

Valerie

9 years ago

I realize I’m commenting on a years old post , but I wanted to give my point of view . I had a baby girl (2nd baby) and as she outgrew items including swing crib clothes etc. , I donated them to the less fortunate or gave them to family members in need . My mother didn’t want to throw a shower for my third knowing I had given away all of my baby items . Thankfully my MIL brought up the idea of giving a shower . People want to give gifts when someone is having a baby .… Read more »

Samantha

8 years ago

Just for all of those saying ” the baby won’t know if you don’t throw them a shower” they may not know at the time, but 15 or 20 years from now when they are looking through old pictures and see all of the pictures from their big brother or sisters shower and then ask where the pictures are from theirs what will you say? ” oh we didn’t think you needed one” or “it’s tacky to have a baby shower for baby number two” really?? I want both of my children to know that we had a huge party… Read more »

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Baby Shower Etiquette

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The Second-Baby Baby Shower Question

Misconceptions about Second Baby Showers

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More Second Baby Shower articles on Alpha Mom:

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Affiliate Relationships