Pregnancy

Now Boarding: Motherhood

Hi Amy!

I am coming up on my last weekend of being pregnant.

My C-section is scheduled for this coming Thursday morning so in less than a week I will be the mom of twins. How exciting, right? That is what everyone is saying to me:

“You must be so excited!”
“You must be so ready!”
“I bet you can’t wait”
“I always wanted twins!”
“Get your sleep now”
“You must be so overjoyed!”

And I kind of am. Except for that I am not. I am just pretty scared. Which is what I tell my husband almost every day – “I’m scared. Are you scared? Why aren’t you scared? I’m scared.”

While he is focusing on the exciting fact that we will soon be parents of two little people that we made, that are part of me and part of him, that I prayed for; I am focusing on the fact that our life is about to change in such a huge way and no matter how many posts, books, and blogs I read about all of it (breastfeeding, sleep schedules, baby gear, etc etc) I cannot adequately prepare for this next stage of life. I feel like we are crossing a threshold of life that we will never be able to cross back over and it is exciting but it is also just terrifying. After Thursday, I will be someone’s mom. Forever. That is crazy.

I guess I would just like you to write a column that says it will, in fact, be okay. Hard but good. Awesome even. I have been asking all the moms I know what they like about being a mom and why it is great. B/c in my head I know that for all the sleep we won’t get, for all the confusion and uncertainty about the logistics of parenthood, for all the extra weight and stretch marks, it must be worth it b/c people keep having kids and they seem to love it. And I’m sure part of it is something that I won’t understand until they are here but I just don’t want to spend my last week of pregnancy fearing this huge change. It is just hard to be brave right now and I would like someone to tell me it really will be okay.

Thanks, jL

Here goes: It will, in fact, be okay. It will be hard, but good. Different, but good. Awesome even.

It will be everything you think it will be in terms of sleep and sacrifice and uncertainty and life-shattering change, and it will be worth it for reasons that are hard to articulate and describe, but once you’re in the thick of it, you won’t really care. You won’t really NEED anyone to articulate and describe WHY it’s worth it, because…it just IS.

If I may haul out a very tired metaphor here, picture yourself at an amusement park. You’re waiting in line for some unbelievable new roller coaster that you’ve heard everybody talking about. Maybe you don’t even particularly like most roller coasters, but everyone assures you that oh, you’ll like THIS one. Maybe you believe them; maybe you’re having second thoughts. Maybe you love roller coasters, but are still apprehensive because…well, what if you don’t like this one? What if it makes you sick or gives you whiplash? What if something goes wrong? What if it stops working halfway through and the safety bar malfunctions? And can it really be worth waiting in this awful, never-ending line? Maybe you’re thirsty or hungry or getting sunburned but it’s not like you can get out of line NOW. Maybe you wonder if you’re the only one thinking about getting out of line, which is a terrible thing to think about, after all this time and you’ve promised your husband you’d go on the roller coaster and he’s SO EXCITED and maybe you feel badly about not really having any fun just yet, or feeling so scared about a roller coaster that millions of people ride on every day. But mostly you are just so ready to GET OUT OF THIS STUPID LINE and punch anyone around you who’s acting all bubbly and fearless and happy about this whole entire situation.

That’s pregnancy for you, right there. Everything you’re feeling right now is so normal. I felt the exact same way at the end of both of my pregnancies, and that was WITHOUT TWINS, which probably would have amped those feelings up to eleventy million: that guilty-type combo of “what have we DONE” and “I’ve changed my MIND” and a non-stop hamster wheel of worry about everything that could go WRONG along with the still-terrifying outcome of everything going RIGHT: Someone’s mother. Forever. Oh. My God.

Now back to that amusement park. You get on the roller coaster, and your terror probably spikes the highest riiiiiight before the cars start to move, and again riiiiiiiight as you climb that first hill and everything pauses at the peak and then BLAMMO, you’re off. It’s fast and scary and thrilling. It jerks you around and up and down and all over the place and your body and brain are alternating between WHEEEEE! and WHAT THE HELL, MAN? Maybe it’s bumpier and crazier than you were expecting or maybe you’re really surprised that everyone made such a big deal out of it, because you can totally handle this wait wait wait nobody told you about a part with a pitch-black TUNNEL, holy crap, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

And then it slows down to a stop and you sit there kind of blinking and wobbly. “That was awesome,” you say, because it totally was. It was the best roller coaster you have ever been on in your entire life. And maybe (JUST MAYBE) you say: “Let’s do that again!”

That’s motherhood. You’re going to love it. Parts of it. Sometimes. Most of the time. It’s awesome.

********

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TwinMamaTeb

13 years ago

As a fellow mom of twins, dude. I was right there with ya. The whole experience, in one word, incredible. You will be amazed at what you can do, at what you have created, at what an AWESOME person your spouse is. Oh, and how little sleep you actually need, hehe. Twins rule. Really they do. Every time you leave the house you will get attention, usually positive. It helps on those really hard days. And my final piece of advice, as I received from fellow twin moms at our MOM meeting (ps, JOIN ONE), is this- It is not… Read more »

Deedee

That was probably the most excellent advice I have ever seen, Amy. You are truly the great Amalah. And JL, like millions and millions of moms before you, you will be fine. And you will be not fine. And you will love being a mom. And you will sometimes not love it. And you will be awesome at taking care of your children and family. And you will think you suck at it. And that is life. Focus on the positive. Ask for help when you need it. My very best wishes to you. There is nothing like being… Read more »

Bethany

This is EXACTLY how I felt after I went into labor with my son. I had been waiting and waiting, sometimes not so patiently, and was soooo ready to be not pregnant anymore. But then it became really real. And scary. And those clothes that I had packed in the bag weren’t just for this idea of a baby. There was going to be a real, live baby in them in the next day. I remember feeling loopy from the meds I got, but was totally emotional as I lay there on the operating table. The nurse asked if I… Read more »

I can’t do better than what Amy and her awesome commenters have already said. I want to add some appreciation, though: thank you for being honest about your feelings approaching this MAJOR LIFE EVENT! So very many people are shocked at the complicated and unexpected feelings that accompany motherhood, in part, I think, because they have refused to acknowledge the very normal and logical feelings–hello! like fear–that accompany it. Moms of twins are heroes to me, and you especially are because you are putting yourself out there and sharing a feeling that is 100% a rational response to your situation,… Read more »

jonquil

After lurking for waaay too long without commenting, I find a post that hits the nail on the head perfectly! Thank you! I’m also expecting twins, and at 30 weeks have been told they could be coming at any time from now on, so I’m going through these exact same emotions (only I still have TWO MONTHS to go while generating my own orbital force field with the enormo-belly). Amalah, that analogy was perfect, I am waiting in line, nervously looking around at everyone who is grinning at me encouragingly, and there’s a part of me that wants to hand… Read more »

Kevin (The Girl)

jL, you are not alone. I am about a week and a half away from my due date (just one in here though) and I have been feeling the same way. I am excited, of course I am, but I am also anxious, nervous, scared, and wondering if I am going to be able to do this and what the hell have I done, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Amalah for responding to the OP. She is not the only one you have helped today. 🙂 Best wishes to you jL!

andrea

good for you for admitting that you are scared. i felt like i needed to be strong and do it all. which in retrospect was just silly. maybe it was all the hormones. anyway you will be fine. just take each day as it comes and enjoy the small things as they make it so incredible.

lolismum

What I want to say may sound discouraging at first, but it’s not meant to be. I like Amy’s metaphor and I know that the writer asked for positive reinforcement. But it is terrifying and worrying before the babies are born and shortly after. So if you have doubts, “what have I done”s, ” I am overwhelmed”s, ” why isn’t it all rainbows and perfectly happy newborns being pushed around in prams in sunny days”, please know that those feelings are OK too. We all plunge into motherhood as soon as the babies are born, some people wade and float… Read more »

Admin

Isabel Kallman

JL, you’re not alone.

As many have noted there are millions of moms just like you who entered motherhood feeling scared and unprepared for motherhood.

In fact, I started Alphamom exactly for this reason. It took me months to get my “sea legs” and figured that there were others who’s instinct would be to turn to Google rather than grandma for advice.

Even though this site is called “Alphamom,” I’m in constant state of Beta. I’m always learning and going up and down this roller coaster. Phew and whee!

Eileen

You are being a realist! I think there’s lots of pressure on moms to love motherhood and be perfect at it from day one…but it is freaking hard, and nothing can adequately prepare you for the change your life is about to go through. Some women are shocked when I tell them I did not love my baby for the first six weeks of her life, that I resented her because I had such a hard time adjusting to the enormous change in my life. But then other moms secretly come up to me and tell me they had felt… Read more »

Don’t listen to the “get your sleep now” people and everybody who leads you to believe things are just going to get progressively worse. They are not helpful and they are probably wrong. I got infinitely more sleep after my son was born than I did before hand. Motherhood is awesome. I thought I knew what the love would be like having been on the child side of a parent-child relationship, but wow is it different! He is truly the center of my universe and brings me so much joy. Just line up your support and know that people have… Read more »

Stephanie

Amy described the experience perfectly. It’s exhilirating, terrifying, amazing, all wrapped into one (or in your case, two!) beautiful package. I was nervous – I hadn’t changed a diaper since I was 12, I didn’t know if breastfeeding would work or if it would hurt, I felt like I was going into everything completely blind. But you just do it. You figure it out. You turn to the wise words of Amalah, who has covered just about everything! And I too had those moments after my daughter was born like “we did we do this?” but she is the most… Read more »

Exactly…Exactly!

I was the same way- scared and nervous and all “Why did I do this? Everything was so perfect! Why did we have to change it?!?” And honestly, the first few months ARE hard, REALLY HARD because you, your husband, and your babies are still figuring everything out…BUT it gets better- easier- and SO MUCH MORE FUN. In fact, it’s so much better now that we’re thinking of doing it again.

For me, having never even really been around babies, the idea of having one was kind of scary. But once she was born, it was so fun, novel, interesting and something my husband and I share. Even when you’re tired and frustrated and wondering where your old life went or feeling like you don’t know what you’re doing, those feelings pass. And, this may sound dumb, but one thing that helps me when I sometimes feel longing for that old life is knowing that once my baby hits her teenage years, she won’t want to have much to do with… Read more »

jive turkey

Wow, Amalah — that might have been a tired old metaphor to you, but it made me cry. At work. DAMN YOU. JL, Amalah is SO RIGHT ON. I never thought I wanted kids, then BAM, there I was on a Pitocin drip having contractions and WHOA, NELLY. But then: she was THERE. In my arms. And girl, it’s been more awesome than I could ever imagine. Yeah, sure — it’s hard sometimes, but then she calls me “Mama” and the difficult moments kind of float right out the window. You’re having twins — that’s TWICE the fun. Twice the… Read more »

Jennifer

Thank you Amy & commenters! I have about 7 weeks left and was crying hysterically Sunday night because I couldn’t get the pack and play set up. If I can’t set up something as simple as a pack and play, how can I be responsible for a living breathing thing that fits in doll clothes??? You’ve all done it, so I just have to believe I can too.

Laurski

Another person here to say, thanks Amalah and commenters for your thoughtful and reassuring words. I’m due in 2 weeks (holy crap! Just 14 more days!) with my first and constantly vacillate between excited and terrified. Sometimes I think the anticipation of what’s to come (and what will change) when the baby gets here is waaaay worse than anything that WILL come, because the unknown is just so…unknown, which makes it scary.

Anyway, thanks again for such a timely and reassuring post! Good luck, jL!

LBH

I wrote 3 days before having my son that “this is a little like the sensation you get when you’re mid-air above the water and HOLY SHIT it didn’t look like that far of a drop when you jumped.” You’ll be ok because you *care* whether everything will be OK. I think the secret isn’t knowing how to do everything, it’s just caring that you learn at some point. You don’t have to be perfect, your baby will love you anyway…assuming you aren’t too slow on the diaper change. (kidding…sortof) That said, me: TERRIFIED of the second one, due in… Read more »

wallydraigle

You do it because you have no choice. That’s probably not comforting now, but I think you’ll know what I mean in a few weeks or months. And then it is strangely comforting, though it sounds ominous now. Amy’s totally right in her analogy. As usual. You really have to experience it to believe all the reassurances. And then you’re like, “OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER.” Our situation isn’t exactly the same, but probably similar. I have two kids 16 months apart. Which doesn’t present quite the same challenges as having two newborns, but also presents… Read more »

Wallydraigle

Disclaimer: Through both DNA and sleep training from birth (I know, I know, but it was that or my kids have no mother because she’s been institutionalized, which I think would be worse for them than gentle sleep training), I have been very fortunate to have really good sleepers. I think that makes a huge difference. But even when they haven’t slept well for days at a time, I’m surprised at how much easier it was than I was expecting it to be.

gizella

i have no advice, but am reminded daily how motherhood is the best job i’ve ever had. Sometimes i want to drown in a sea of little kid hugs and love. Your kid might not sleep, or breastfeed, or things you had envisioned, but the love you are going to experience is tremendous.

Leigh

I want to agree with lolismum that it’s normal and okay not to enjoy motherhood from the very first. I did with my firstborn, I loved almost every minute from the very beginning. But with my second-born, it took a while to feel really “motherly” toward her. Luckily I knew the feeling would come, and it did–she’s the absolute light of my life and I adore everything about her–but it took several weeks for me to call her anything but “the baby,” thanks to a rough bout of post-partum depression and too many sleepless nights. Whatever happens, though, however long… Read more »

apl

As an expectant second time mom, I needed to read this. My 13 month old isn’t even consistently sleeping through the night and this whole first trimester fatigue is kicking my butt and all I can think is, “WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?!”. I needed someone to remind me how little you mind the lack of sleep or coherence and how truly amazing every single second is. I find myself missing that about my little one now, so I guess I’ll be getting some of that back. Oh, and to the question asker…it is scary. That part, never goes… Read more »

New Twin Mom

I was in this exact situation just 2 weeks ago- getting ready for my C-section to bring my twin babies into the world, and feeling totally apprehensive. When people asked me if I was “excited” (which happened at least 10 times a day), I could barely muster a smile. I was scared, about both the C-section, and about my ability to care for twins. While I was in the hospital another twin mom, whom I hardly know, sent me an email that basically said that the time that you spend in the hospital can be incredibly hard. Whatever your thoughts… Read more »

Molly

I can totally relate to the part about not feeling prepared, despite the massive amounts of information you have tracked down and voraciously consumed. I think a lot of us feel like that – and subsequently, that if we MISS something, then we’ll be completely and inadequately prepared and thus will end up a huge FAIL. We aren’t satisfied with the “Oh, you’ll just know at the time” and “You’ll magically just be able to do it” answers because we are secretly (or not so secretly) afraid that they skipped us when they were handing out maternal instinct. And the… Read more »

EmJay

Such TRUTH!!! Pregnant with my third child with a c-section scheduled for 4 weeks from today. Still catch myself wondering what the hell am I doing…another baby. The “What ifs” can be paralyzing. Obviously, with #3 on the way, I totally drink the parenthood is so worth it punch. It just is. You will do the best you can. Guess what? That will be good enough. Sometimes the best you can do will absolutely amaze you, other times you will struggle and fight with yourself to get the basic done.

Corie

OMG, I totally understand. I went between excited and terrified even before I got pregnant, and it just got magnified after we found out that I was expecting. I was feeling pretty secure in the knowledge that I wasn’t ready yet but I would be by the time the baby came, when BAM!! my water broke at 35 weeks with no warning. I went from having 5 weeks to get over being terrified to having only a few hours to get over it. And then I got handed another, different dose of terror when my son didn’t tolerate pushing well… Read more »

Nancy

You’re going to love it, and you’re going to hate it. Daily! I had a great twin pregnancy, a semi-emergency c-section at 38 weeks and an easy recovery. My best recommendation is to get out of the house early and often! People LOVE babies, and especially twins — so have fun with it. Walk them through the mall or a park or the grocery store. You’ll get a huge boost when someone comments on how beautiful your babies are, and how do you DO it with twins, etc. You’ll feel like a superhero! The first few nights after we got… Read more »

Heather

Amy, you are continuing on your trend of making me tear up 😉 You called it a tired metaphor, but I’d never really heard it before, and even if I had, you portrayed it beautifully.

I just wanted to say thank you for the awesome advice Amy and for all the encouraging comments. Your column got posted the night before I had to go in for my C-Section – we ended up going in two days early and it was perfect timing. Tomorrow will be one week since we had Annabelle and Stephen. They are great babies and are doing awesome in general. It is definitely much less scary and more manageable than I expected so far. We are taking it one day at a time but are actually sleeping and even having fun :o)… Read more »

Jill

Man, I can’t stop crying! I love the metaphor. I just made 12 weeks today and only sort of freaking out. Thank you JL for updating us! Congratulations!!

Now Boarding: Motherhood

Amy Corbett Storch

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Now Boarding: Motherhood

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Amy Corbett Storch

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