How To Handle Baby Name Regret
A few weeks after I gave birth to my second daughter, I looked at that precious little girl and thought to myself, “I love you so much and I really don’t like your name.” There was nothing wrong with the name exactly. I just didn’t love it. And it wasn’t her.
During my pregnancy, I never paid much attention to our choice of girl’s name. Because I just knew in my heart, I was having a boy. It just felt like a boy and how could a mother be wrong? This mother was very wrong.
I didn’t tell anyone about my baby name regret. But I never called my daughter by her name. I mostly called her “the baby.” I would bristle when others called her by her name which is ridiculous because what else were they supposed to call her? My hope was that I would just get used to the name and I was too exhausted from taking care of a newborn and a toddler to figure out what to do.
But after 6 months, I burst.
I finally confided to a friend, “I really don’t like my daughter’s name and I don’t know what to do about it.” And then I started crying.
I looked for signs that she thought I should be in a mental institution. But she was very supportive. I was relieved. Maybe I wasn’t crazy after all?! Telling my husband was more difficult.
“What do you mean it isn’t her name? Of course it’s her name! That’s what I’ve been calling her,” he responded completely confused.
But it wasn’t her name. And I should have spoken up months earlier. He finally agreed to change it. We renamed our daughter Summer and I knew it was perfect. Was it awkward to change my kid’s name at 8 months?! Hell yes. But I never regretted my decision. Not for once second.
Not every mom makes this choice.
An online acquaintance, Melissa Banks (name has been changed), told me how she regretted her daughter’s name the minute she announced it. By six months, she was convinced they needed to change it but her husband loved it. “A part of me also believed only ‘crazy’ people change their kid’s name so I felt totally trapped. I had to remind myself there wasn’t a right or wrong choice, just a different road to be taken,” Banks says.
By the time Banks and her husband came up with a new name, she felt like her daughter had grown into her original name so they decided to stick with it. But Banks does think moms should be given more time to hold, feed and get to know their baby before being pressured into picking a name.
“The hospital comes in with the paperwork before you even get a second to shower after labor!”
Not only should you take time to get to know your baby a bit before settling on a name but make sure you love the name. This can be difficult when moms and dads disagree on what to call a child. Now that I’m pregnant again, my husband texts me with the most ridiculous ideas for names so this could once again be a challenge.
And if you do have feelings of baby name regret, open up about it to your spouse and friends as soon as possible. You are not crazy (I promise!) and you will find the right answer for you and your family. Feel free to contact me and I will assure you that it is perfectly normal to feel this way and you will find a solution.
As for Summer (who is now 6), her old name is part of her history. In fact, her siblings get jealous that they don’t have a former name. She loves to tell people that she wasn’t always named Summer and I just know that as a rebellious teen, she’ll probably threaten to change it back. But for me, she’ll always be my Summer.
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What was the original?? I’m dying to know!
Sorry that I didn’t share the original name! I just know that there are girls out there with this name and it’s perfect for them so I didn’t want to be disrespectful.
It’s funny how strongly some people feel about names. My husband and I haven’t agreed much, so what we do is we each pick a name and then leave it up to hair color. When my third was born we couldn’t agree on a boy’s name. I picked a name for a dark haired boy and he picked a name for a light haired boy. He had light hair, so my husband got him name. We obviously had to be ok with each other’s choices. I’m so glad my husband got his pick, because now I love his name.
That is a very original way to do it! Love it.
We used traditional family names for both kids, with less traditional nicknames. I messed up the communication of it w our son Thomas–I was embarrassed that the nickname we wanted to use, Tuck, was also the name of my husband’s grad school. So we started w Tucker on the birth announcement, and used it for about 5-6 months. I HATED it (just not right for him or us) and of course he got everything from blankets to a stool personalized as gifts. Plus I’ve spent the last 2 years trying to get everyone to switch to the nickname we always intended to use. We were much more careful w our daughter!
With our second, she was unnamed for four days. My parents, the hospital, my friends were all pressuring us to chose her name, but nothing felt right. We needed to get to know this little person a bit before choosing her name. I’m so glad that we stood up to all the pressure to find the right name for her.
I completely agree with this! It is weird beyond weird to me how people “announce” what their child will be named before they even meet this person, but maybe that is because my own parents always waited until they met us kids to name us. To be quite honest it kind of worries/bugs me when parents announce the name ahead of time.
Of course, my parents had ideas and lists of names they liked in mind, but they said they did not know for several days after I was born what I should be named for sure. Like “Lisanam,” my parents were pressured a lot by the hospital and family to name me quickly, but I am really glad they took that time! I have always loved my name and felt it suited me in all ages/stages of my life. It’s just me!
I really enjoyed the honesty in this article. I have always wondered if any parents felt regret after naming their child so soon and without meeting him/her. Thanks for the insight!
I had a few doubts after my little girl was born, but had chosen family names that I loved for both her first and middle names. How could I go to my family and say I had changed my mind? Plus, in my religion the baby is given the name in a ceremony, and we had already done that too! But here we are, she’s 8 months old, and I LOVE her names! I’m glad I didn’t change them!
I’m one of those annoying women who name their babies in utero! My first daughter’s name was one my husband and I both loved and announced when we found out that she was a girl. My third child, a boy, we named after my father and grandfather (with a different nickname) and announced with the 20 week ultrasound as well.
My middle daughter was harder. At 20 weeks we still hadn’t decided on a name, but found out that she might not live to be born. She did survive but I was never sold on the name my husband picked out. It took constant repetition for me to really feel like her name fit her. Now I think it’s a beautiful, classic name and I’m glad I stuck with it. There was so much uncertainty around her birth it felt like her name was an anchor to keep her in this world.
I still think that every mom/dad has the right to change their mind if that baby shows up and is a Jennifer and not a Tiffani (my cousin’s birth story).
My MIL came home as Female Lastname. It took her parents two weeks to name her. They still sometimes that her name is fuh-mah-lee.
Female Lastname is a beautiful name!
I think it’s great when people take time to figure out the right name.
My first refused to reveal her gender before birth, so we had no opportunity of naming her before she arrived. I was so struck at the wonder of meeting her, whole and new, for the first time! Her name, chosen several hours after birth was and is exactly right for her. With my second, I refused to learn her sex ahead of time but had a list of 5-6 names for each. She came out so wholly unique and unexpected that as I tried those names one by one, none of them fit. We had to start all over in the delivery room, but again, we found the perfect fit, even though it took 24 hours or more. I’m now pregnant with girl #3 (my daughters bullied us into finding out at the US) and I’m ready to take all the time in the world to name her – hospital paperwork-lady be damned!
A friend of mine changed her son’s name shortly after his 1st birthday. It was no big deal. Not sure how she handles the pics of “Happy Birthday Old Name” on his cake, but I don’t think anyone cares. Good for you!
My daughter Summer’s baby book is filled with her old name from the birth announcement to cards. But it’s okay. Because her old name is just a part of her!
I totally thought we’d go to the hospital with a narrowed-down list of names and name him when we met him. Then my husband mentioned a name for our son and it really stuck with me. So we have a name and 4 weeks left til he’s due. It was a ‘wedding dress’ moment for me. I just knew.
On three occasions, I went to the hospital with my short list. Each time, we took the whole 4 day stay to think about and try on a name(s). I never felt bad about taking a long time. But people had the hardest time understanding what took so long to name the baby!
To me, it is a huge deal! It takes 9 months to make the list, and then you’ve got to see the baby & match the right name. I do have a tiny bit of regret on my daughter – we call her by her middle name. But I think her first name suits her better. She is almost 3 so the middle name is it.
We wanted the surprise when the baby was born so we didn’t find out ahead of time, but I was convinced I was having a boy. We had our girl name right away (like at 2 months), and a short list of boy names, but the leader I just never felt like it flowed. I’m so glad she is a she because my Mr just didn’t understand why I didn’t like the “flow” of the boy name.
Sometimes it all works out the way it’s meant to!
I’m wondering — if you aren’t settled on a name AFTER the birth, do people take that as an open opportunity to start making lots of suggestions/demanding to know what you’re working with? EEP!
My parents felt this way 31 years ago and decided even though I was six months old they would change my name. So they did it. And it’s never been an issue. Just in case you’re still thinking about it.
Ah! You did it! I missed that bit (it’s late and the baby’s keeping me up). Good for you guys
I like in the UK, and here you have six weeks to “register” the birth, where the official birth certificate and name is issued. It does take a lot of the pressure off to get a name right away…from the hospital, at least! The families still want to know right away.
For my daughter, we had a short-list boys and girls names and decided to see the baby to make the decision. I must say, though, it still wasn’t clear after looking at her little face! I still wanted to call her our nickname we used while she was in utero. In the end, we just picked one. It took a day or two to get used to not calling her the nickname, and now I can’t picture her as anything else but Felicity.
We named our firstborn…actually before we were ever pregnant..or married. I had a dream when we were engaged that we had a baby (in the dream, I never knew if it was a boy or a girl) and the baby’s name stuck with me. We decided if it ever happened for us, we’d go with that name regardless of whether it was a boy or a girl and we did. Never regretted it once. Now, the grandparents… they took some convincing–ha ha. But yeah. I understand wanting to “know” the baby before you name him or her–that makes sense to me. But sometimes, the name belongs to them before they’re even here.