Due Dates, Weddings & Crystal Balls

Hi Amalah!

I have a small dilemma, a tiny one really, but I thought given your expertise on weddings *and* babies, you might be able to help me out, especially since I seem to be suffering from pregnancy idiocy at the moment and can’t seem to think clearly….

Here’s the deal: I’m pregnant with my first baby and due Sept. 7th.  (Yay!)  I’m invited to a close family friend’s wedding on Sept. 4th.  I would really, really love to go, because I not only love the groom (and have known him since he was born!) but I love his entire family, and I know the wedding will be superfun.  Obviously, however, I don’t know when the little peanut plans on arriving, and whether or not she or he will come before, on, or after the due date.  So what do I do about responding to the wedding invite?  I live in the NY metro area, where weddings are *insanely* expensive, so I don’t want to say yes, have the couple pay for my and my husband’s meals, then not go.  One thing I was considering was to say that yes, if the peanut stays put, we’ll be at the ceremony and will swing by the reception, but just to visit, and not to eat or drink anything (or just go to the ceremony, if “swinging by” the reception seems a bit rude and presumptuous).  The ceremony/reception is about 1 1/2 – 2 hours away from where we live, but I’d still be willing to go to the ceremony if it’s feasible.  The whole family is just warm and wonderful, and I’ve known them forever, so I don’t think they’d find that weird, but I know that weddings sometimes get people a little crazed, and I don’t really know the fiancee that well, so I don’t know if this plan will send her into a tizzy.

*Sigh*  I know I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, I just really wanted to go to this wedding because I’m so incredibly happy for the groom and his family, but I don’t want my desire to go to turn into any sort of inconvenience for any of them.  I also realize that I may be being ridiculously optimistic about how I will feel 3 days before my due date, and perhaps should turn to more experienced mamas (like yourself!) for advice as to whether or not I’ll actually be up for any sort of trip/lengthy sitting-down experience at that point in time.

Thanks,
Bustin’ a move while bustin’ at the belly

TALK TO THE GROOM. Put down the laptop and pick up the phone. Explain everything you just said to me: You’d really love to come but understand the timing could be dicey and you don’t want to inconvenience them or cost them money. These are some valid, thoughtful concerns, though I’m guessing IF YOU WERE INVITED, your friend will consider it PERFECTLY OKAY for you to RSVP as a yes, with an asterisk. If having a guest in the “maybe” column wigs him out (or more likely, his fiancee), that’s when you can suggest one of the compromises you mentioned (ceremony only, perhaps). Maybe ask him when their final headcount and deposit is due to the reception site, so you can have a little breathing room to make a final-final decision based on how you feel and what your doctor says.

Or, if he says that you’re being silly, OF COURSE he wants you to come, please don’t give a second thought, just RSVP yes and don’t give it a second thought. What happens…happens. Just have this discussion with him, not via some scribbled notes on an RSVP card. (He might not even see it, honestly, if her family is handling the planning or compiling the guest list, and they might be confused by anything that’s not a clear yes/no.)

As for whether you’ll feel like attending a wedding three days before your due date? I have no idea. That’s absolutely impossible to predict. You might feel great and be in the mood to dance your way into labor. You might feel like a bloated beached whale or hate everybody.   You might be on bedrest, or too far dilated for your doctor to give you the greenlight to be an hour and a half away from the hospital. Your next ultrasound might change your due date to September 1st or 3rd or the 27th. You might already have the baby.

I feel like this important thing to note here is that your friend invited you. Maybe it’s possible that you were invited merely out of courtesy and he never assumed you’d actually be up for attending. Or maybe he didn’t know how close the dates are, or maybe he did but invited you anyway because — oh my God — he values your friendship and wanted you to know that due date or not, he’d love to have you at his wedding. So don’t feel like you can only talk the groom via a checkbox on a formal RSVP card. Pick up the phone and talk to your friend. It’ll be fine.