Because Baby Snot Isn’t Good for Your Decolletage

Dear Amy,
Whenever my bottle of foundation gets about halfway empty (or halfway full, but let’s be pessimistic) I get compelled to throw the rest away. I can only explain this by saying that I think of it as a half way used up bottle of water. There is probably more backwash in it than actual water. So there would probably be loads of crap floating around in my foundation, yes? Which I am then smothering onto my face? I’m wondering if this is, as I suspect, a huge waste of money, foundation etc. and would like you to tell me to STOP THE MADNESS already, or perhaps, do you agree with my tossing of the makeup?
Thanks!
Aly
Okay, yes, you are kind of crazy. Yet also kind of smart!
(How is that for some solid, practical advice?)
Certain types of makeup should be thrown out before you get down to the last dregs. Like mascara, for example. Or nail polish. Or pressed powder compacts. Mascara and nail polish dry out after time and a few hundred dips and re-dips of the applicator brush, while pressed powder can absorb your face’s oils. (Although you can prolong the life of pressed powder by replacing the puff occasionally, or even just rinsing the existing one.)
But that stuff lets you know when it’s time to chuck it. Mascara clumps, nail polish goops and pressed powder gets those weird little lumps in it or may even start irritating your skin. Your half-empty bottle of foundation is probably not doing any of these things.
If your foundation is still going on smoothly (read: is not dried out and crusty and bleeegh), KEEP IT. IS LIQUID MONEY.
Use a foundation brush to cut down on the backwash-hand-germs heebie jeebies, or switch to a brand that uses a pump top instead of a screw top. Wash all your makeup brushes regularly with soap or makeup remover to prevent oil building up in your powders and shadows, and store your makeup in a dry, cool place.
(Says the girl who stores all her makeup in her warm, steamy bathroom and throws out compacts the minute she sees the metal bottom showing through because she’s so flipping bored of that color she could scream, oh my God, and cannot remember the time she properly washed out her foundation brush. So you know, I am kind of with you on the Crazy.)

Dearest Amalah:
I have recently found out that I am six weeks pregnant. My first doctor’s appointment is over a month away, when I will be 11 weeks along. I have taken four pregnancy tests to help my paranoid self through this, as well as poked my breasts repeatedly to make sure they are still tender. I am currently not experiencing any morning sickness or nausea of any kind. While many people tell me to be excited about this, it makes me worried that it is a sign of a miscarriage. My question is, how can I settle down and enjoy this time instead of being completely paranoid and Googling “avoiding a miscarriage” daily?
Sincerely,
Tonya
First of all, congratulations. Second of all, welcome to THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
The minute I saw that elusive second line on the pregnancy test, I went from being a fairly confident and secure individual to being a crazy paranoid freak who WOULD NEVER CALM DOWN ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER.
First I was convinced that the pee stick was lying to me, out of spite, so I took seven more. Then I was convinced I was having a miscarriage. Then I moved on to fears of genetic abnormalities and birth defects. Then I thought he was dead. Oh wait, he just moved, okay, not dead, but maybe he’s tangled in his cord and that last kick was a frantic plea for help and I will never go into labor and I will die on the delivery table and I will never breastfeed and he’ll starve and he’s deaf/blind/delayed and how can I just settle down and enjoy his childhood instead of Googling “first tooth crooked infant braces” daily?
I haven’t figured that last part out yet, but I can tell you how I made it through my pregnancy without completely losing it altogether. While it’s nothing earth-shatteringly brilliant and borders on DUH, OBVIOUS, it’s all I’ve got.
Early pregnancy sucks and you will be nervous and terrified the entire time. I guess there are women who buy cribs and maternity clothes the day after they miss their period, but we are not those women. We are the Realists, or possibly just the Paranoid with Too Much Access to the Internet. So we need to break pregnancy into a series of close-together milestones that we can reach one at a time. The positive test. The first doctor’s appointment. The first ultrasound. Hearing the heartbeat. The 12-week mark.
In between these milestones, do whatever it takes to soothe your nerves, even if that means spending a small fortune on pregnancy tests or retail-outlet ultrasounds. Rent one of those heartbeat dopplers. And step awaaaay from Google University and find yourself a good pregnancy buddy. (I had three, all women I’ve “met” online, which allowed us to be completely honest [translation: SCREAMINGLY INSANE] with each other.) Get regular pedicures and treat yourself to a massage, if only for the thrill of specifying a “prenatal” massage when making the appointment.
Also, I recommend lots of macaroni & cheese. It is very soothing and also calcium-fortified. You know, for the baby.
To the most admirable Amalah,
I am a huge fan of your website. Your wit and wisdom help me get through some tough days as a stay-at-home mom. When I can’t take anymore cartoons I turn to your website for some entertainment, you never fail to make me laugh!
Now that you’ve had some time out of the workplace, I was wondering what wardrobe staples you would recommend for us stay-at-home moms that have lost all sense of style to sweats and t-shirts. I’m looking for a suggestion for something comfortable to wear around the house that doesn’t give that I-don’t-own-anything-that-hasn’t-been-used-as-a-Kleenex look when I go out in public. I love your style and feel like you are our “internet fashion icon” for all women our age.
Thanks!
AL
Internet? fashion? Icon?
*blinks*
Am I reading someone else’s email? Because: honestly.
Anyway, it’s that sort of crazy talk that gets me hate mail. (“you think you are so hot but you are ugly and what, do you comb your hair with a side of bacon or something?”) So let’s just stop that right now.
I am a huge fan of the Great Pair of Jeans. And I’m not talking about those dowdy Mom Jeans with the nine-inch zipper and the tapered legs. I’m talking about those jeans — the ones that make your legs look long and your butt look great and maybe it’s all in your head but la la la, I love my boy-cut Levis and will wear them until they disintegrate off my body. Maybe yours were a splurge from Bluefly.com or maybe you found them on the sale rack at the Gap. Pair them with some cute flip-flops and a funny t-shirt that makes you laugh but your kids don’t understand. And you can throw them in the wash with a load of bibs and burp clothes and they just get better the more you wash them. It’s not haute couture, but it works.
But on the days when the yoga pants or Juicy tracksuit are the only things clean, and we all have those days, this is the best advice I can give you: it’s my friend Diana’s guiding principle for good grooming and it changed my life. Wear your sweats and ponytails and skip the mascara, but pluck your eyebrows.
Think about it: your clothes can look sloppy, but if you have taken the time to pluck or wax your eyebrows, then CLEARLY, you are the type of woman who is wearing sloppy clothes ON PURPOSE. Possibly you are wearing them IRONICALLY. A Britney homage, if you will. You do care about your personal style, I mean hello! Look at those perfectly arched brows! The spit-up on your shirt? Is actually leftover from the night before when some famous rock star threw up on you while partying backstage.
If you keep your eyebrows neatly groomed, you can get away with anything. Including combing your hair with a side of bacon.
Readers? what do you like wearing around the house? How do you avoid that sinking feeling of horror when the UPS guy rings the doorbell? And does anybody else wear lipgloss to the pediatrician? Just me? Okay then.