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It’s a Girl! Oh, Wait…It’s a Boy?

Jan13

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Hi Amy,

I’m currently at 25 weeks of my first pregnancy (love your pregnancy calendar by the way). At 19 weeks I had my first official ultrasound and we found out we were having a little girl. Since then I’ve been daydreaming in a sea of pink ribbons and sweet and spice, and everything nice. It wasn’t much of a surprise because everyone said from the moment we announced our pregnancy that we were having a girl. So when we found out the sex, it just seemed like confirmation of what we already knew.

Fast forward to now and during my second ultrasound they announce…. It’s a boy!
Now I understand that this is an over-reacting hormone induced analogy, but I feel like someone has taken the little girl I’ve been bonding with inside of me and replaced her with a boy. I’m shocked and having trouble switching gears. I’ve started returning all our pretty pink items, but I’m finding myself unenthusiastic to start replacing the items with blue and … I don’t know trains?

I’ve heard that this can happen, but the stories I’ve heard usually have the parents surprised when they are holding their bundle of joy in their arms and the amazingness of the birth experience overshadows the shock. I’ve found out at the super anxiety, nesting, over planning, first time mother stage.

I’m asking for your help because I know you are madly in love with your boys and I was hoping you could use this time to gush about your love for them and shed some light on how awesome they can be. I’ve always imagined a mini-me with matching long unruly hair and pink ruffle bloomers. Please help me find the same love for the little man I need to get to know inside me and to let go of my dream of a little girl.

Thanks,
Expecting Mom

I could go on and on about what it’s like to mother a son and how it’s amazeballs and transforming and how my boys have truly helped me become a better woman, feminist, wife, human being, all that. And it would all be true! But I don’t know how much it would really help you navigate the complicated emotions that you are (understandably) going through right now. We’re all supposed to say, “Oh, I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, I just want it to be healthy” and blah blah THRONE OF LIES. Lots of us care. Lots of us have a preference.

And lots of us get the opposite.

I wrote about this, once Noah was older:

I spent a lot of my first pregnancy feeling guilty about my disappointed reaction to the “it’s a boy!” ultrasound, and my ongoing ambivalence about having a son. I wanted a girl, or at least some idealized Gilmore Girls fantasy version of a girl — now that I have actual children in my house, I can laugh about my completely unrealistic expectations that a girl would automatically equal a little mini-me and a boy would be some kind of foreign, unfamiliar species of human. My boys are a lot like me in some ways, a lot like their dad in others, and yet are all completely, 100% their own separate selves and it has nothing to do with the color clothing they wear or the toys I buy them.

And that’s something you’ll figure out eventually. You’ll look at your son and realize that he was never the girl you thought you’d have…but he also isn’t the boy you thought you’d have. You’ll realize that even if you did end up with the originally expected genitals, you STILL wouldn’t have birthed the particular little girl you invented in your head. And one day, you might find yourself making an involuntary gagging face at the mere mention of “pink ruffle bloomers” and thank your lucky stars that you were forced past the idea that babies are adorable little dress-up dolls and bought your kid some practical, easy-to-wash clothing.

Above all, you’ll realize that the boy or girl thing is not actually a zero-sum, either/or scenario, and your son will absolutely enjoy many of the things you were dreaming of a couple weeks ago. Screw that sugar and spice vs. frogs and snails BS. Boys and girls are all of the above

(Do you know how many times we’ve seen Frozen? And listened to the soundtrack? Do you? I’m asking because I’ve honestly lost track.)

But here’s the thing, and forgive the caps lock: IT’S TOTALLY OKAY THAT YOU ARE NOT THERE YET. IT’S TOTALLY OKAY TO FEEL THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING.

I’m a big believer that the more we fight to suppress our anxiety and guilt — the more we try to simply mash it down and force ourselves to ignore it — the stronger the anxiety and guilt becomes. It bubbles under the surface and makes your chest hurt and wakes you up at night. “THINK ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW,” it whispers at 2 in the morning. “THE MORE YOU TRY TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, THE ANGRIER AND POINTIER I GET.”

It’s so totally okay that you feel disappointed and whiplashed right now. Please know that feeling this way has absolutely no bearing on what kind of mother you will be and does not speak to your future parenting capability or bonding skills. I want you to breathe deep and repeat those sentiments to yourself. Out loud, even. Write them down. Pregnancy is already a roller coaster and you just got yanked backwards and upside down right when you thought the ride was slowing down. Don’t wallow, but don’t be afraid to feel your feelings. Come to peace with your ambivalence.

If you don’t want to buy blue, don’t buy any. Buy lime green and purple and red and orange. Get onesies and bibs with your favorite nerdy/pop culture references on them instead of trucks and the “Daddy’s Lil’ All-Star” crap. Buy him a baby doll and cute hats. Raise a big middle finger to gender stereotyping. Make jokes about the next ultrasound hopefully not revealing twins, but don’t feel pressured to pretend that this situation was fun or ideal, because it wasn’t. People find out the sex because they want to know the sex. This was frustrating and disorienting, no doubt.

I still sometimes can’t believe I have three boys and zero girls — I really did think I would have at least one daughter and each subsequent ultrasound reveal was met with OMG REALLY?s and then some rueful laughter, because gahhhh so much penis — but any “disappointment” over it is…well, not really “disappointment” at all. And it’s not merely just “acceptance,” either. It’s perfect. It’s happy. It’s chaotic. It’s just…my life.  And it’s absolutely the one I was always meant to live, even if I originally had other ideas.

About the author

Amalah

http://www.amalah.com
Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. She is the author of the Advice Smackdown and Bounce Back. You can follow Amy's daily mothering adventures at Amalah. Also, it's pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

If there is a question you would like answered on the Advice Smackdown, please submit it to amyadvice@gmail.com.

Amy also documented her second pregnancy (with Ezra) in our wildly popular Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to rising first-grader Noah, preschooler Ezra, and toddler Ike.


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40 Responses to “It’s a Girl! Oh, Wait…It’s a Boy?”

  1. Karen Jan 13 at 2:32 pm Reply Reply

    Ditto to everything Amy said!  I am the proud mom to an almost 17 month old boy and I, too, had that bit of “huh, okay” moment when we found out that it was a boy.  I’ve had a girl’s name picked out since I was 10… What on earth was I going to do with a boy?  But then I decorated his nursery and started picking out clothes and thought how great it would be to see my little guy bond with his dad and it all fell into place.  And now that he’s here I could not imagine it any other way.  He is the kid I was meant to have.  We’re thinking of going for number two and I used to think I’d really want a girl this time but now the thought of two little guys sounds fabulous.

  2. Kirsten Jan 13 at 2:38 pm Reply Reply

    Oh my goodness, I send you so many Internet hugs and good thoughts and sympathy.  I was so SURE I was having a girl.  I didn’t have a mistaken ultrasound, but I just knew.  I was calling my baby by the girl name in my head.  I mean, I’d try not to, but girl! I always knew I’d have a girl!  So we went to the ultrasound and… boy.  And I tried to be happy, and I mean, I WAS happy, sort of, healthy baby, but still.  There were Complicated Feelings.  

    I can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been if I’d had confirmation that it was a girl, and then had to turn around and change that.  

    Amalah is spot on.  Give yourself time to get used to the change and it’s okay to feel disappointed and upset right now.  For me, having long, long talks with my “new” boy helped somewhat in getting used to the idea, becoming glad of the idea, even. 

    However, even with all that, honestly, he was just an idea to get used to until I met him.  Then I met him.  And, oh my gosh, I could not want him to be anybody but himself.  I knew I was going to have a baby.  I didn’t know I was going to have THIS baby.  And he is amazing and wonderful a thousand times over.  Funny and beautiful and adorable (and, yes, very into wheels.  Although he likes hugging his stuffed animals, too!) 

    I don’t exactly look back and laugh at myself — those feelings were real and important and I couldn’t have known all this before I met my baby.  It’s more that I look back with perspective that I could not have had at the time and sort of wish I could infuse myself with it.  

    It will be okay. You will love your boy.  You will know how to be his mommy.  He will not be what you imagined.  He will be a hundred times better.  

  3. Bren Jan 13 at 2:43 pm Reply Reply

    I was completely opposite in that I always AlWAYS assumed I would have a boy and instead had 2 girls! After the shock wore off during the first pregnancy I just tried to go with the flow and be happy that my 40 year old body had given me a baby of any kind. The second pregnancy ultrasound was much easier to laugh off as I figured I was just meant to have girls! 

  4. Liz Jan 13 at 2:51 pm Reply Reply

    We chose to wait until the actual birth, but I did get the baby girl I always dreamed of my whole life.  But guess what? She’s nothing like me.  She looks exactly like my husband’s mother, and not at all like me. Her development, her likes, her personality are the opposite of me and my own childhood.  We all joke that I wasn’t even there when she was born, and where did she come from?  There have been moments of disappointment but I slowly realized, she is HERSELF, not mom or dad, not a replication of anyone.  She’s 3 now, and I enjoy getting to know HER instead of wishing for a mini-me. It’s not hard, and I think most first-time parents go through this, whether they have boys or girls. It’s normal and healthy, and eventually we all just need to get to the place where we can respect our children for being the unique humans that they are.

  5. Tricia Jan 13 at 3:01 pm Reply Reply

    Oh my good LORD did I want a girl! And I got a boy. I had those complicated feelings too because I didn’t have the first clue what I was going to do with even more testosterone in my house. So it was the craziest thing when he turned out to look just like me! I’m going to blame Dad for the stubborn insistence that we all get up at 6am because, seriously, that’s not me! 

    Once I started thinking about the little dude that I get to turn into a good man all of those feelings faded and now we’re like two peas in a pod. Congrats on your boy!

  6. Jen Jan 13 at 3:02 pm Reply Reply

    Well said, Amy! My first son is 5 and a half right now. Since I was a little girl I always dreamed of having a daughter and dressing her up and having a mini-me….but at that u/s where I found out my so-wanted princess was a prince…I was pretty heartbroken. Yes, it was my first child and MAYBE i would have a girl later down the road….of course I also felt such guilt for wishing my baby was a girl. I went and bought some super cute preppy stuff for my little man, sucked it up and got over it.  Enter boy #2: this baby was very very tried for….after a miscarriage and 2 IUIs I finally got pregnant. We decided to wait until delivery to find out what the gender was because we wanted this 2nd child so badly it didn’t really matter. My little Benjamin was born and I was genuinely so happy when I found out he was a boy. Now I am pregnant again….this was kind of a surprise pregnancy, but we are happy and excited about it. And I want a girl. Like really really bad. And I don’t feel guilty about it.  We are going to wait until the birth again to find out then, because I know when I hold my 3rd boy in my arms fresh and new, I won’t be disappointed. Yes I do want a healthy happy baby, but I DO want my little girl, because this is the last one.  

  7. Emily Jan 13 at 3:04 pm Reply Reply

    So I have two kiddos and now expecting #3. I wanted a #3 because I felt like our family was missing someone and that someone was a little girl and I had her name picked out and everything. Just like Kirsten! Whelp, I’m having a boy. Still haven’t gotten used to the idea honestly. But I’ve been through this before and agree with the advice to just let it sink in, don’t force feelings. What would help you be excited for a boy? There are some super cute boy clothes and shoes (and ditto on the “Daddy’s All-Star, hate that crap). (and FYI – dresses on girls during the crawling and learning to walk stage just totally suck anyways). I’m not giving myself a timeline to get used to the idea, just easing into it.

    Also, if you start feeling negative energy from people who give you a hard time about “this is why people should wait to find out…” then immediately cut off. That kind of stuff is super unhelpful.

    And like Liz said, no matter what, always remember that you love the child you have, not the imaginary perfect child you wished you had. The real child is always much more interesting.

    Good luck!

  8. Tasterspoon Jan 13 at 3:29 pm Reply Reply

    I remember my first mid-term ultrasound and we wanted to find out, but when people would ask I’d say, quite honestly , that I’d be *disappointed* either way. Because until then I could look forward to these dual possibilities in my head and any definite answer would mean I’d have to give one of them up.

    Anyway, fast forward three years, I have one of each, and as others have said, my daughter is NOTHING like me and drives me crazy and is always telling me to go away and my son is exactly like me and can’t get enough of me.

    Also, though, last time around we were also told ‘girl’ at the first US when it turned out to be a boy and I had to surrender my fantasy of having sisters…but at least the first tech told me “probably” and “don’t buy anything pink yet”. Seems like you have good reason to be annoyed if yours didn’t hedge a little.

  9. Brittany Jan 13 at 3:33 pm Reply Reply

    Some of these comments bring tears to my eyes because they exactly describe my experience! I grew up picturing myself with a girl, had girl names picked out and had a bunch of friends who all had baby girls. Then I got pregnant and the little girl I imagined was a boy. It threw me for such a loop. Between hating all the blue things (his nursery is green and brown and adorable) and having a terrible time thinking of any boy names I liked, I couldn’t imagine what I would have in common with this boy I was carrying.

    He may not be the baby I thought I wanted, but he is exactly who I was meant to have. Just a perfect fit for our family. I couldn’t be happier. I don’t miss all the girly things I daydreamed about. Because my reality is so much better than that. And yours will be too!

  10. Christy Jan 13 at 4:38 pm Reply Reply

    I wanted 3 boys.
    Child number one: Girl!
    She is her own self and utterly perfect.
    I wanted 10 more girls, just! like! her! Because sisters.
    Child number two: Boy
    Utterly perfect. He is her best friend and I could not imagine them being closer even if they were the same sex.
    By the 3rd one we were wise enough to see that it really is about the individual kid and that to us, the sex truly didn’t matter. We got another boy and {surprise!} he’s pretty perfect too :).
    I did feel disappointment with the first two US though, and then felt tremendous guilt for feeling that way. You are not alone and I can tell you that having two boys has been a very awesome {and loud} experience for me. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! {And for boy stuff, I found shopping online in boutique/etsy type places got me really excited verses going to Target and seeing the same 3 designs of sportsballs and cars.}

  11. Sarah Jan 13 at 4:46 pm Reply Reply

    I have three boys, I only found out the sex with the third and when they said ‘boy’ I admit I was disappointed. I knew it would be my last and I had to give up my fantasies.

    The funny thing is that I’d always assumed I’d have a girl (I was an only child, obviously a girl, and I suppose you always imagine the family you make will resemble the one you grew up in), but the first two times I found out I had a boy was when he was handed to me and it didn’t occur to me to be disappointed. I was just too overwhelmed by the realness of the baby to wish anything had been different.

    Then with number three we decided to find out so we could tell our big boys, and when I found it was to be another boy my heart sank a little. I think it was because the gender was the one and only thing I knew at that point, unlike when I had the real boy in my arms the first two times.

    When you meet your real baby there will be so much to know about him and to find out that gender will be a minor point, it’s only big now because it’s the sole piece of information you have. The real baby will put it in proportion very fast.

  12. Jenn Jan 13 at 7:57 pm Reply Reply

    Just wanted to reiterate with the hugs and the “I Know!!!!” Mine was the opposite – I wanted another boy so badly and did NOT want a girl.  All I could think about was drama and princesses and the fact that she’ll instantly loathe me the minute she turned 13 no matter what.  All hosed down with pepto-bismal pink.  And you know what?  I still dread those things.  But it just stops mattering at all.  Your baby will be your baby and you won’t believe how much you love him.  And it’s okay to feel that way, it’s totally normal.  Don’t force yourself to shop for blue and trains, just let it happen.  You’ll surprise yourself by liking something and the rest will grow on you.  Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

    • Shelly Jan 15 at 7:45 pm Reply Reply

      Every time I comment on this site people hate my comments, but I just cant resist continuing to comment.  When I found out after five years of trying that I was pregnant, all I wanted was  a healthy baby, but when I went to that sonogram and there was no mistaking the twig and berries, I was disappointed , for all of five minutes.  I immediately realized that boys are never going to be 13 year old girls and that is an amazing thing.  I also (be prepared for the politically incorrect comment and prepare your offended response) heaved a huge sigh of relief for the fact that I only have to worry about one penis, when you have a girl, you have to worry about all of them. I love my son with every beat of my heart. I love experiencing a completely different view point on the world.   I also know all about Karma.  Fast forward five years, one divorce and a new husband and uttering the statement “we can try to get pregnant”  I think I was pregnant before I finished the sentence and of course I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl.  Personally, I am stocking up on wine.  When she hits 13, I will need it.

  13. Grammy Jan 13 at 8:26 pm Reply Reply

    Count me as another of the ones who spent my young years envisioning the little girl I would some day become mother to and getting a boy instead. In those days (48 years ago) we didn’t have ultrasound to give us a head’s up so it was always a surprise. I can tell you the very instant the doctor said it was a boy I felt a flush of joy that I can’t describe — you’ll know it soon enough. There’s just something we’re given that lets us love whatever baby we get.

    Years later, I acquired a daughter by marrying her dad. Having all the princessy, pink, ruffly stuff wasn’t all I’d thought it would be — this was a real girl with her own opinions and ideas and I thought it would drive me crazy. But she was such a cool kid in all the important ways I loved her just as much.

    So, even if you get what you wished for, it might not be what you thought you’d be getting. And any way you look at it, you are going to fall in love. It is the best thing ever. Don’t fret about your disappointment. Know that you will love that little guy.

    Footnote: Said daughter “Only” wanted a girl. It had to be a girl. There would be no adequate substitute. And then she had a little boy and had the same reaction I’d had all those years ago. I get to be grandmother and watch my grandson change his mom into the most wonderful woman in the world.

    Best to you, Expecting Mom. You’re gonna have the time of your life!

  14. Jeannie Jan 13 at 10:09 pm Reply Reply

    My first was a boy. And I panicked. I know nothing about boys! I only had a sister, and my dad is anything but stereotype alpha male (an academic!). I couldn’t raise a boy! I had no idea what I was going to DO!

    And he was (and is) perfect. He’s seven and I adore him. We have a special bond — I remember reading that boys and moms have a special bond, and it certainly seems true. 

    I now have a daughter too, and she’s still nothing like me and nothing like what I imagined having a girl would be like. (For the record: I adore her too!)

    All this to say: you aren’t the only one. But chances are you’ll wind up adoring your son beyond all measure and will be surprised to be reminded of how anxious you were about it all. 

  15. Eiko Jan 13 at 10:52 pm Reply Reply

    I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through. I bet you have a lot of people in your life telling you to just be happy you’re having a baby! You’re so lucky! And you are, but as Amy says, you have every right to feel disappointed. 

    I always pictured myself having a boy. I have better relationships with men than women, and my younger sibling is a boy (man) whom I’ve always felt maternal towards. But when I got pregnant, I sensed that I was having a girl, and I was right. And even though a boy was what I’d always wanted, and even though I still think little boys are amazing, I would have been *devastated* if she’d turned out to be a boy after all. I totally hear you on the getting to know your little baby as a girl thing.

    But as everyone has said, your little guy will be who he is. I fully expected my girl to look like me — I’m half Japanese and she’s a quarter and I just assumed the darker features would dominate. Nope; aside from my skin tone, she looks Caucasian (blonde hair, blue eyes). And I could not love her more. 

    Also, I agree with Amy — it might help a little not to worry about boy colours and just go with whatever you like. I often dress my little girl androgynously in “boys’ clothes”, because I get a bit sick of every, every, everything being pink. 

    And at least you won’t have to clean your baby’s vagina (yikes). 

  16. df Jan 13 at 11:53 pm Reply Reply

    I couldn’t agree more with what everyone else has already said, which is basically go easy on yourself and let yourself float on those feelings for a while and work them out in your own way. It’s not shameful or bad. My first child (a boy) was a total surprise and I didn’t really have expectations. When I was pregnant the next time, my son was nearly five and couldn’t cope with the idea of just a ‘baby’, he had to know if it would be a brother or a sister, which meant we found out at that second ultrasound. At that point, I really felt I wanted a girl, and it was another boy. I love being a mother to boys, but more to the point, I just love discovering who my kids are each day and each year. It turns out my oldest is incredibly like me and I’m kind of fascinated to see a male version of myself in many respects. My youngest is just like his dad and nothing like me at all, but he’s got a charming little soul. Today he walked past a tissue box with a chickadee on it that I’d just picked up at the grocery store and declared it the cutest thing ever. At moments like that I feel I got my girl after all :) You will delight in your son when the time comes, don’t worry!

  17. Autumn Jan 14 at 12:49 am Reply Reply

    It’s okay to grieve for what could have been.  Let this be so to speak a miscarraige in your mind.  The little girl you had isn’t going to be here, and it’s okay to grieve for that.

    But you also are going to have an amazing little boy!  Full of energy and life and love and still willing to have tea parties and silly make believe and be more wonderful than you ever imagined.  My daughter looks like a mini-me, but her personality is nothing like mine.  

  18. Elle Jan 14 at 12:53 am Reply Reply

    What Amy said.

    I totally hear you on this disappointment/anxiety, I experienced that when we found out #2 was a boy and my daydreams of sisters happily frolicking together hand-in-hand, sharing secrets, best friends forever… brutally squashed with that screenshot of a penis. Realistic-me realizes that my kids’ genitals won’t dictate how close their relationship is, but realistic-me also knows that boys and girls experience life differently because loathe it as I may, people really do treat them differently from the day they’re born.

    Hey, this is probably a blessing in disguise, because that girl you thought you were having almost certainly wouldn’t have turned out to be the mini-me you were envisioning, and then you might’ve had the additional unpleasantness of saying & doing things that suggested to that little girl that she wasn’t living up to your expectations and wasn’t perfect just the way she was.

    A lot of us moms seem to burden our little girls with our own hopes & dreams and we forget that they are not little-mamas, but they are their own individuals who will like their own odd-combination of things. Maybe they’ll share some of our interests and maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll love sparkles (who doesn’t, amirite?) and pink frilly dresses, or maybe they’ll hate wearing anything except their birthday suit and a nice coating of dirt & grime.

  19. Bethany Freitag Jan 14 at 2:44 am Reply Reply

    This exact thing happened to me! I was told at my 20 week ultrasound that they were 80% sure it was a girl. I was thrilled! I grew up with sisters and girl cousins and couldn’t imagine having anything but a girl. I had a name picked out that I started calling her and everything. I knew I was going to be a single mom and thought having a girl alone would somehow be easier. Then I had another at 28 weeks, and SURPRISE!! I was honestly devastated. I didn’t know how to do boy stuff. I never pictured myself parenting a boy, much less parenting a boy alone. Turns out there is something very special about a mother/son bond. Now I can’t imagine having a daughter instead because my son is so awesome.

    There is nothing wrong with feeling short-changed. It is completely understandable to be upset when you have your heart set on something and to have that change. But once you hold him, you won’t want anyone else.

  20. Oh, crap! Jan 14 at 5:27 am Reply Reply

    I am like Liz, I got the girl I always wanted but it’s not as I’d expected. I’m learning to accept her as the individual she is, not the clone of me that I daydreamed about, but I have honestly been disappointed at times that she looks nothing like me! She’s six months so were still getting used to each other.

    Be gentle with yourself, it’s ok to be disappointed. Feel the feelings but rest assured, you are going to love him so much!

  21. Totally Understandable Jan 14 at 10:04 am Reply Reply

    I am 39 weeks +1 day today and while we knew at 20 weeks that we are having a son (well, hopefully =) ), I’ve been mourning the loss of ribbons and bows and all things glitter since then.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t love or won’t love our son with all my heart or even that I didn’t want a boy.  It’s just so different.

    I can’t imagine having my heart and mind set on a girl and then having that taken away.  I’d say a normal grieving period should occur here!

    Lots of love and prayers your way.  

  22. Jill Jan 14 at 11:08 am Reply Reply

    Just want to reiterate that even if you got the girl you wanted you have no way of knowing what she would be like.  We have 2 boys, wanted a third boy and ended up with twin girls.  My boys both look just like my husband so I was sure the girls would look like me.  Nope.  One looks like my father-in-law and the other looks just like her older brother.  
    I know a couple of people this same thing happened to, and they both got over the disappointment once the baby was here.  As far as buying blue stuff, I still think baby boy stuff is just as cute (and sometimes cuter) as the baby girl stuff.  Try Gymboree: less trucks and “Daddy’s future QB” stuff and more adorable dinosaurs and little man rugby shirts and the like.  Super cute.
      

  23. liz Jan 14 at 11:38 am Reply Reply

    Ditto what everyone above said about not necessarily getting what you expect even when you expect a gender! 

    Don’t go all blue, unless you particularly like blue. In the meantime, may I suggest some Superhero bodysuits

  24. MR Jan 14 at 12:49 pm Reply Reply

    Amy hit it on the head, as usual.

    OP – Your feelings are normal. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

    I actually got a girl who looks JUST LIKE ME. It is pretty much the first thing everyone comments when they meet her. It makes me feel like I always have to point out that she is her own self. She isn’t me. She will make choices I would never make, and do things I would never do, and all that is ok. It is HER choice to make. And personality-wise, she isn’t all that like me. And that’s ok. My younger daughter has darker coloring, so everyone says how much she looks just like my husband. But, she looks just like me too. Her hair and eyes are darker, but aside from that, she looks JUST like me when I was her age. And, her personality is VERY similar to mine. And that scares me. There is nothing like having a mini-me to make you freak that all those things in your life that happened that SUCKED, that those might happen to your kid because her personality is just like yours. And, since I have just the two girls, I miss out on the cute little boy I always thought I’d have. But, like Amy says, this is my life. And I LOVE it. I can’t even imagine my life without my girls, they bring me so much joy. In a few years, you will be looking back on this time and laughing at yourself because you can’t imagine your life without your boy – you love him SO MUCH. It doesn’t matter if you have mixed emotions right now (you’d quite frankly have that no matter what, because: pregnant), you’ll still love your kid desperately.

  25. Stephanie Jan 14 at 1:59 pm Reply Reply

    I have two girls. When I was pregnant with #2, I was a little disappointed when I heard I was having another girl. I knew we only wanted two kids, so that was that. But boy do I love her! And it’s amazing because she is SO different from her older sister. Their personalities are just night and day. My younger daughter is a climber, pushes limits, doesn’t seem to hear the word no. My older daughter is just mellow (most of the time), complacent, and happy. My friends with boys say that I have gotten my boy, but then others with two girls say that the younger one is just like mine – crazy. It’s just amazing to watch unfold.

  26. Kristin Jan 14 at 6:58 pm Reply Reply

    Amy, your words were incredibly kind and delightful. Thank you for your response. I know if that was me, that would make me feel so much better.

  27. Lindsey Jan 14 at 11:02 pm Reply Reply

    I had a somewhat similar experience, although they got it right during that same appointment. When the tech said, “Oh no, that’s definitely not a girl,” I cried…a lot. 

    I didn’t know how I would do with a boy. I have three younger sisters but had absolutely no experience with little boys. In my experience, little boys are incredibly loud but they are very sweet. Give yourself grace – you will fall in love sooner or later. :)

  28. Kim Jan 15 at 1:12 am Reply Reply

    We didn’t find out with my first, and I thought I didn’t have any pre-set ideas or preferences.  Then they placed my baby on my chest, and I thought, huh, a girl.  Really? Really.  And a beautiful, amazing, warrior princess she is.
    Then I got pregnant with my second, and I really, really wanted one of each, and this time we did find out.  And the minute my husband told me she was a girl, I felt a wash of joy and relief.  And now I have sisters, and we have hand me downs, and they are awesome together.  Except when they aren’t.  

  29. Mary Jan 15 at 4:25 pm Reply Reply

    I figured I would just go ahead and add my “Ditto” here. I wanted a girl; I only wanted a girl. I didn’t even know what to name a boy, let alone what to do with one. Now I have two and I could not be happier with them. Now I don’t know what I would do with a girl. Go figure. Boys are awesome and once they start throwing up and pooping on all of their clothes, it will be a relief that those clothes aren’t beautiful, cherished, and expensive. Good Luck!

  30. Betsy Jan 16 at 4:59 pm Reply Reply

    Boys are better than you could have ever imagined. Pre-children, all I wanted was a girl and all my husband wanted was a boy. My first child was a girl, and I was elated! Estatic! So incredibly overjoyed! And she was awfully cute in pink and piggy tails. When we tried for another, I said I didn’t care about the gender, though secretly hoped for another girl. I loved what I already had after all!! We learned baby #2 was a boy, and I was pleased for my husband when we learned the baby would be a boy, but not as excited. I admit it. AND OH, MY LORD, WAS I WRONG. I love my children equally. But that bond with my son? It is something special and magical and awesome. I am a beautiful princess in his eyes who can do no wrong. Feeling his pudgy little toddler hand grab mine and tell me I’m “pwetty” makes my heart soar in a way I just never really had with my daughter. I was totally unprepared for the intense bonding I had with him from the minute he was born. My daughter has bonded that way with my “I only want a boy” husband as well. I’ve heard the phrase “every daddy needs a daughter and every mommy needs a son.” I never understood it (since I always wanted only girls before I got pregnant – and even after I had my amazing daughter). Now I accept it as gospel. I promise this little boy in your tummy will be the light of your life and that you will fall madly and totally in love with him. 

  31. Lori Jan 16 at 7:00 pm Reply Reply

    I never found out what I was having with either pregnancy.  Didn’t want to know–and especially not after our OB/GYN confessed he read his own wife’s ultrasound incorrectly.
    We painted bedrooms yellow and bought a lot of green and white and we took what we got because whattareya gonna do?  Send it back?
    I wish you young women didn’t NEED to know.  I get it, but I just wish you didn’t NEED it.

  32. Britt Jan 16 at 8:05 pm Reply Reply

    Weird addition to the comments. If you don’t feel immediately bonded to your little guy the moment he comes out, that’s fine! I know that I took a couple weeks to stop feeling like my first was a total stranger. If this happens to you, it likely has much less to do with being bummed over his sex, and much more to do with the fact that some of us need time to start having those firework-type moments. I just don’t want you to expect that it will all feel right after that last push, and then panic if it doesn’t. Bonding is a long, complicated process, and there is no “right” way!

  33. Mud Jan 16 at 8:14 pm Reply Reply

    Happened to me too! 18 weeks – girl. Private US at 34 weeks? BOY. Dude, I think it is legitimately a mourning process. My husband cried in the restaurant when we went out to breakfast after, talking about the daughter he’d wanted to walk down the aisle. obviously my boy – my perfect wonderful crazy boy…it turns out it was always HIM in retrospect, and I love him so much.

    Also, then I got pregnant again, unexpectedly, and it turns out that it was TWIN GIRLS. Umno. Not only did I not think I could handle one more baby, but TWO, and OMG…yuck. I was a trains mom; I know the difference between a backhoe and an excavator. Fairies, princesses, sparkles, and pepto-colored everything? Ew.

    Anyway, that’s awesome, too. Nothing about parenting has been anything anything like I expected. And that’s hard sometimes, but hell. This is great, so I guess it’s good that I’m not doing the planning. And I mean that in the most agnostic of senses and as a person who generally dislikes surprises. What an adventure :). (Oh and doesn’t the wedding thing perfectly illustrate our expectations? Our kids will be whatever – Maybe they’ll elope! Be single! Queer! They’ll be THEM and we’ll be there cheering like crazy!)

  34. Danielle Jan 17 at 1:10 pm Reply Reply

    I would just like to second (or twenty? a lot of people have said it) the idea that you are going to be absolutely FLOORED by how soon your baby boy turns out not to be a mini-his dad or a mini-you. With both of our kids, we were amazed by how young they are when they start having very distinct personalities, and while there are definitely traits where you can say — “he gets that from me” or “he gets that from his dad — there’s also stuff that will make you say “where on earth did THAT come from?” Our older child, a five-year-old son, loves Batman, Cars, Legos, dolls, playing dress-up, and taking care of his baby sister. He wears lotsandlotsandlots of different colors and helps me cook at least one meal every day. In fact, he takes great pride in making (with supervision) scrambled eggs for his and his sister’s breakfast every morning. He helps give his sister her bath. And his favorite color is red. Blue isn’t even a close second. (Also? His favorite letter is W. That’s one of those “where did THAT come from?” things.)

    And also also, baby boys’ clothes are supercute! Your little boy will be just the right age for all those adorable one-piece rompers this summer: http://www.hannaandersson.com/category.aspx?id=baby_one+piece

  35. Cara Jan 17 at 1:31 pm Reply Reply

    Oh Lord.  My sister cried at her gender reveal party when the cake was blue.  She didn’t have any idea she was going to react that way, but there it was.  (And I learned that maybe gender reveal parties where the parents are also surprised are a bad idea.  A little privacy would have been great right about then!). For two years she’d been playing with and shopping for my girl, and it turned out she had ‘girl cute’ in her mind without even knowing it.  I used that week to scope out who had the most adorable baby boy clothes and decorations, and the next weekend we went shopping together.  Some seriously cute boy clothes (I recommend Sears of all places) and a little time worked wonders.  And, at 15 months, that boy is the joy of her life… And she thinks his clothes, toys, etc are adorable too.

  36. lindswing Jan 20 at 12:59 am Reply Reply

    Amy, your response was perfect.  

    I was so sure with my first that my husband described our gender ultrasound as “going to find out the baby’s a girl.” Until that baby had a penis. I didn’t have the ultrasound oops, but I did have nearly every old wives’s tale sign of a girl; complete strangers would come tell me i was having a girl.  I was SURE. We’d had girl names since we were dating, and we couldn’t agree on a single boy name. I cried when I got in the car. It wasn’t helped by my sexist stepdad and father-in-law being ELATED and very “told you so!” about it.

    Eventually, you’ll start to notice that you’re progressively feeling less sad and more excited and the pure fact that he’s a baby, YOUR baby, will override everything else. H&M has the BEST boy clothes if you have one close to you. Don’t even let yourself look at the girls’ stuff for a while, delete your pinterest board and start a new one, and generally force yourself to focus on the model you get. Once you’ve properly mourned and wallowed for a bit, of course.  

    And like everyone else is saying, my boys look just like me (though nothing alike, so there’s that), my oldest IS me (for better or for worse), and holy moly do they adore me (in a way that my daughter saves for my husband).

  37. Kittin Jan 21 at 7:34 am Reply Reply

    I have to admit, I was exactly the same as a lot of the commenters  here. We were so sure we were having a girl. We’d had “our” girl’s name picked out before my husband even got his visa to move here, where as we only settled on a boy’s name about a month before I finally got pregnant.

    We spent the first 19 or so weeks of the pregnancy referring to our baby as “she” and “her”. Thankfully, we didn’t buy any gender specific nursery bedding or blankets – and strangely, the only “gender specific” clothing we bought was a gorgeous “little pirate” onesie in blue.

    I had a couple of moments of being upset after the technician told us “It’s a boy!”, but I got used to the idea fairly quickly. I think it may have taken hubby a little longer to get used to the fact that our little girl was, in fact, a boy.

    Fast forward to now, and our little Bug is 6 months, and already has a cheeky personality all of his own. 

    Like others have said, give yourself time to mourn for your lost girl. But remember that once you actually hold your little man in your arms, it’s not going to matter.

  38. VG Feb 05 at 4:38 pm Reply Reply

    Maybe the “element of surprise” isn’t such a bad thing? Just don’t find out. Didn’t hurt our grandparents, though there may have been disappointments, but you get what you get. Be grateful that you are able to bare your own child(ren).

  39. AmyRenee Feb 28 at 10:39 pm Reply Reply

    I’m a little late to this, but I want to add – it’s ok to mourn your “lost” girl. I have 2 boys, and I love them, but for both of them I was expecting (in my mind, not by ultrasound) a girl. Finding out they were boys crushed me for a little while. For me, one thing that helped was to mentally bury the girls name I had in mind with each of the pregnancies (a different name for each pregnancy). I’m not saving the names for another future baby – that name belonged to my dream-baby girls that could have been, and if I ever have a girl, she will have her own name that belongs to her and only her.

    And in you haven’t already returned all the girl stuff – take a couple of pictures of it – someday, after your son is born and you couldnt imagine him any other way it will make a fun page in his baby scrapbook of “those first weeks when we thought you were a girl”

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