Alpha Mom Book Club: Minimalist Parenting

Our parenting book choice this month is “Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less.”

I was intrigued by the title. This was a book that I would have gravitated toward in the bookstore even if I did not know the authors, Christine Koh and Asha Dornfest. Because, hey, I like to do less and wouldn’t we all like to enjoy our lives more? But what exactly do the authors mean by minimalist parenting, was a question that I wondered. Do they advocate living like Tibetan monks? Eschewing possessions and leaving our children to play with sticks? Does it mean letting your kids run wild with minimal parental interference? Is it hands-off parenting?

Turns out it was none of those things.  I read the book and discovered that I am a minimalist parent and I didn’t even know it.

What is Minimalist Parenting?

Many years ago I had been telling my mother-in-law about some angst-filled parenting decision that was on my mind. I can’t even remember now what it was that was causing me that much stress. But I do remember what my mother-in-law said to me. She said she thought it was easier to be a parent back when she was raising her children. That there weren’t so many choices or ways to question your own instincts. I think there is a lot of truth to that. When you have so many different choices, so many different voices telling you the right way to do something, it is easy to become overwhelmed and paralyzed by the feeling that you will never be able to make the right choice. I think minimalist parenting is about looking at all your various parenting choices and realizing that at the end of the day most of them are not as life-altering as you believe in the moment.

Asha and Christine write, “The obstacle standing between you and a happier, less overwhelming version of your family life isn’t something you’re doing wrong. It’s that you’re wrestling with abundance–too many choices, too many obligations, too much stuff, and too much guilt about trying to do it all.”

Minimalist Parenting promises to “show you how to minimalize your family life–how to edit your schedule, possessions, and expectations so there’s more of what you love and care about and less of what you don’t.” Through the many examples and strategies I was able to fully understand what they meant by minimalist parenting. I loved the personal anecdotes sprinkled throughout the book. It made what they are writing feel real and personal and gave you the ability to connect to real-life examples.

I have loved both of Asha’s and Christine’s websites for years, but even so this book gave me the words to explain why what I was already doing felt right for our family and helped me let go of some of the guilt. I think most of us parents have areas where we feel guilty, and they are always the ones where we are the most unsure of ourselves as parents.

Family Scheduling

I have one friend who schedules her children’s every waking moment, her children really do not have any downtime. And that is fine for their family. But often times I talk to her and feel that pang of guilt that my children aren’t going to spend a week at ceramics camp or cake decorating camp. I have learned that I need to not take my friends parenting their children differently as a personal attack on the way I parent my kids.  Let’s agree to take the word should out of our vocabulary when talking to anyone about their parenting.

I loved how both authors put in personal stories about how they arrived at the parenting path they are on. I enjoyed reading about the “mistakes” they made along the way. Christine writes in one chapter about over-scheduling her daughter’s summer vacation with camps that should have been fun, but turned out not to be a good fit. We have had the same thing happen, when I listened to the shoulds of other parents and didn’t remember what works for our family.

Education

I think whenever you read parenting books, the chapters that apply to what is going on in your life are the ones that resonate with you the most. While reading the chapter on Education there were several times that I put the book down in my lap and thought for awhile. My family has gone from homeschool to public school to private school. Transitioning from one of these to the next was never an easy decision. Reading this chapter enabled me to truly assess my educational priorities so that I could articulate why moving away from public school was the right decision for my kids. And I think that the authors are right that there are good points and bad points about every school, the key to being happy is a school where the scale tips to good points. But these things are often very different for each family, and each child within a family.

Vacations

Again, this struck a cord with me. Maybe because I envision long, leisurely vacations with my family, but the reality is that these don’t happen. I remember when I was in the fifth grade, my mother took me on a week long trip to the Bahamas. My favorite part of the experience? Room service! I have discovered that the same holds true for my kids. They don’t need elaborate vacations to have fond memories. They love the “free” continental breakfast that many hotels offer, you’d think it was a five-star restaurant they way they go on and on about the waffle maker that you flip over to cook your own waffles. When I returned with my daughter from an two day trip out of town, she couldn’t wait to tell her brothers the highlight of her trip…how we watched TV in bed!

Guilt

This book lays out a framework for you to make decisions about your parenting that feel right for your family. It gives you permission to let go of the guilt. And it shows you how having less, is actually having more of what matters for your family.

Discussion Questions

* How did you feel about the guidelines laid out in
Minimalist Parenting?
* Did it open your eyes up to ways that you can “have less” in your life?  Were you already following the principles, but didn’t have a clear picture of your parenting style?
* Do you think that this minimalist style of parenting is a throw back to the way people used to parent their children before we were “wrestling with abundance”?
* Have you resolved to make some changes in your family life?