If Kids Can Be Banned from Restaurants, These People Should Be, Too

By the Mouthy Housewives

This week we heard that a restaurant in Pennsylvania is banning kids under the age of six from its premises. Because kids can be noisy.  And annoying. And picky eaters who need highchairs. And apparently, they shouldn’t be exposed to other members of the human race. We are unclear whether the restaurant will offer a post by its door where parents can tie up their children while they enjoy a delicious meal, or whether the sight of salivating children will be too upsetting to the restaurant’s patrons. Maybe they’ll put a bowl of water on the floor for them just to be nice.

Still, being mothers ourselves, we admire the initiative to make a dining experience more pleasant. That’s why we have some suggestions for the other types of people restaurants should exclude. People who none of us like to see breaking bread at the next table. Let’s make eating out safe for everyone, okay?

Who Should Be Banned from Restaurants:

• Toothpick users. Especially those who examine whatever they extract like it’s a freaking diamond.
• People who call themselves “Foodies”. Without irony.
• Women who say, “Oh, I really shouldn’t” when offered dessert. Live a little, baby.
• Anyone who tucks their napkin into their shirt collar like they’re ready for some good eatin’.
• People who lean back from the table and unbutton their pants after a meal. Nobody wants to see that.
• Any and all groups of women who try to divvy up a bill to the last penny and yell things like, “But Sharon just had a salad! Why should she pay for Jenny’s steak?”
• People who chew with their mouths open. Even toddlers know that’s rude.
• Men who hold their utensils like cavemen.
• Anyone who yells “WoooHooooo!” and slams their glass down after they’ve finished a drink.
• That thin gorgeous young couple who are all over each other (No, we’re not jealous. Why do you ask?)
• The group of frat guys who are pounding on the table and screaming, “Chug! Chug! Chug!” It’s just rude to be so loud and not buy the other patrons a complimentary round.
• The couple who are both constantly on their phones. They are quiet. And creepy. And don’t talk. Are they at least texting each other?
• That person alone who is reading. We just don’t like her silent, high brow, “I’m into literature” attitude.
• The person who doesn’t leave a tip on their table. Because now we feel bad for the waitress and have to tip more ourselves.
• Awkward dates. Or ones going *really* well. Ahem.
• People who dump the complimentary bread or chips into the to-go container.

 Seriously?
• Anyone with a camera. With a flash.
• People who make the waiters sing “Happy Birthday” to them when they really should be getting us another glass of wine. So selfish.
• Individuals who comment on what they aren’t ordering from the menu because it “doesn’t agree with me.”
• People who go to a steak restaurant when they’re a vegetarian.
• Waitstaff who don’t write down your order and instead “use their memory.” Does this ever work? No, it does not.
• Anyone that is compelled to TwitPic a hamburger.
• Children. Oh.

More SATIRE and irreverence can be found over at The Mouthy Housewives website. Go ahead and click on over but first tell us who else should be banned from restaurants.