Common Enemies of Babies

If your baby is unhappy, she might not be able to explain exactly what is bothering her, but she’ll certainly let you know it’s time to start troubleshooting. Whether it’s hunger, a full diaper, or an annoying tag on the back of her onesie, an ear-piercing scream alerts not just you, but your neighbors, your congressman and possibly homeland security, that something is no-likey.

At the moment, I am dealing with my two-month old daughter Harlow’s acid reflux. So half the time, I don’t know if she is unhappy because she is hungry or because she ate too much. Hunger and indigestion seem to bother her equally, and at once.  But I’ve also come to notice that the slightest bit of wetness sends her into a tizzy and the mere sight of a swaddle ticks her off.

Every baby’s got a growing list of things that make them mad. Here are the top six common enemies of babies:

1. SWADDLING

Most experts recommend swaddling to get your baby to sleep, but whenever I whip out that mummifying muslin, Harlow looks at me like I’m spoiling her evening. Once her arms are safely tacked at her sides, she wriggles and writhes like an animal caught in a net, until eventually she feels defeated and goes to sleep.

2. BEDTIME

One reason swaddling may not be a baby’s friend is because it often means bedtime, something that my both my daughters fight like a disease. As soon as I flip the light off, their eyes shoot open with daggers that say “But there’s an after party I was planning to attend!”

3. FINGERNAILS

Don’t underestimate the deadliness of a teeny tiny fingernail. They are a handful of miniature daggers, dangerous to everyone within arm’s reach. The very first day my daughter arrived, she cut her face with her own pinky. There was blood and a full week of healing. I’ve since learned to keep those puppies SHORT.

4. PUREED VEGETABLES

I’m not sure what babies have against vegetables but there’s a reason parents have been trying to trick their kids with planes, trains and automobiles for the past 50 years. Newsflash: Your baby knows that’s a spoon. He also knows you wouldn’t eat those mashed peas either.

5. BABY PROOFING

Babies know what the baby gate is separating them from— sweets, flatscreen TVs, motor vehicles, people that stay up past 7pm— everything worth living for. We tried to baby proof our sockets a few years back when our first daughter started crawling. She crawled right up to it, like it was her newest toy and ripped that sucker out. It didn’t stand a chance.

6. DIAPER RASH

Few things piss a baby off like a sprinkling of red irritated spots up and around their bottom. Can you blame them? It is both painful and embarrassing. You wouldn’t like it either. Whenever Harlow cries, I go through a mental check-list of what could possibly be wrong. If the answer isn’t obvious, I check my baby’s bottom. More than once, a fussy baby has been the result of a nasty diaper rash.

I remember giving my first daughter a bath and she started screaming. Since she couldn’t talk yet, I assumed she just didn’t want to get wet, even though she had never had a problem with baths before. But when I took her out and put her diaper back on, I realized she had the beginnings of a rash. I think she must have been crying because the soapy water was irritating her “tushie.”

Nobody wants to misunderstand their baby’s cry for help. So when you start trying to decipher what could possibly be wrong, know that in addition to “I’m hungry!,” “I’m tired!” and “I’m wet!,” it could also be, “I want to stay up to watch SNL!,” “Don’t deny me access to the kitchen!” and finally “Mom, my butt is burning!”